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Charlie James

rank: 8698

Last week's position: 8699

first registered 18.04.12

last online 32 days ago

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about me

Hi! I'm an aspiring author. First novel complete, working on the second. Had a sojourn into kids fiction en route.

What's my stuff like? Kinda like if Tom Sharpe and Ben Elton had a love child after an evening on amphetamines and hookers.

Well that applies to Arterial Spray and A Hanged Parliament.

Marshmallow Raisinhorn is a kids book aimed at 5-8 year olds and is completely absent of cock jokes. Pick your preferred read with care, depending on your views vis-a-vis cock jokes...

Who am I? I'm actually two people, old friends who finally decided to stop dithering and write the damn books we'd been talking about for years. We decided to use a pen-name for legal reasons. My wife tells me that otherwise our prose may result in our arrest. She's a smart cookie, my Mrs. I pay attention to her.

If you want to drop me a message asking me to read your book, feel free to do so, but I may only do so if it is funny or stuff blows up, or there are folk getting dispatched with style. And be willing to send me a pdf of the bit you want me to read.

Think Tom Sharpe, Pratchett, Lee Child, Robert Crais, Michael Crichton. Bernard Cornwell, CJ Samson, Clancy, Rankin, Cussler, etc etc. Mention 'literary fiction' or imply that your story is depressing, and I'm unlikely to look.

PDF of my book(s) available if you want 'em.

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my books

Marshmallow Raisinhorn and the....

Charlie James

A short chapter book, aimed at five - eight year olds. Marshmallow Raisinhorn is the tale of a fairy detective.

Diamond dust is is very important in the fairy kingdom of Nuggetonia, it makes the magic work and powers the rainbow engine, but it is going missing!

Captain Custardleaf of the Fairy Royal Guard is investigating, but crime like this doesn't happen in Nuggetonia and he's out of his depth.

Luckily for Custardleaf, Marshmallow Raisinhorn is Nuggetonia's first, and only fairy detective, and he's on the case. If he can deal with Snookiewookiechookums (the missing lightning bug), a ping-pong obsessed king, bank robberies and mermaids, he might just be able to solve the mystery and save Nuggetonia.

Raisinhorn's problem is that for a fairy, he's rubbish at flying and he can't do magic. But he can wear hats. He looks good in hats. Sometimes, looking good in hats might just be enough...

Author's note - this is nothing like my normal stuff - it is a serious children's book originally written for my daughter.
It is complete at 10k words, uploaded in triplicate to bust the public word limit.


A Hanged Parliament

Charlie James

Thanks to Julie Fallows, MP, capital punishment is back. But for Fallows, now charged with murder, this could be a problem.

DNA does not lie! That was the cry that rang out in Parliament as legislation reintroducing the death penalty is passed, thanks in the most part to the efforts of Julie Fallows, the MP for Darchester South, and despite the efforts of the anti-capital punishment protesters.

The problem for Julie Fallows is that she has just been arrested for murder and is facing her own gallows.

The investigating officer is convinced she is guilty, and her barrister is a moron. The evidence against her seems extremely compelling, including DNA evidence. Things are looking grim and Fallows can almost feel her own noose tightening around her neck.

The only ones who think Fallows might be innocent are Scrubes and Watts, two of Darchester's finest. Can they prove her innocence before she hangs?

DNA doesn't lie? Maybe not, but it doesn’t tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, either.


ARTerial Spray

Charlie James

Lycra-clad perverts try to help incompetent, violent and panicking police prevent "The Artist" serial killer from terrorising a school. Dildos, sharks and explosions feature.

Since failing to graduate from superhero school, Victor and Paul have failed to make it as superheroes, but that isn't stopping them from attempting to assist Darchester's finest in the pursuit of The Artist - a serial killer who displays his victims' bodies as Damien Hirst style installations.

The neurotic and unwilling Acting Superintendent Scrubes is in charge of the case, assisted by his borderline psychotic DS Watts, and under the watch of a cream cake obsessed Chief Constable and an Assistant Chief who calls himself "Fruity". Surprisingly, it's not going well.

All the clues point to the local high school, but has Doug Thomas, the headmaster, really become a serial killer due to the pressure of an OFSTED inspection? Or maybe it's his deputy, Berkley...after all, he is a bit of a bastard.

The local press are having a field day as the suspects, explosions and Dildo fights stack up, as do the bodies of the victims of The Artist. And as if that wasn't enough, Scrubes is falling in love.

PDF of whole book available on request.


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rikasworld wrote 12 days ago

Hi, Benedict is not going to be around on Authonomy for a while and a....

Ngone111 wrote 43 days ago

Hello, I like your profile in this community network and I think y....

tone099 wrote 45 days ago

My name is Peter Reich, special investigator to the Pope and former c....

rikasworld wrote 66 days ago

Hi Charlie, I've started a thread for under twelves books and Cas. h....

Meg Wearing wrote 134 days ago

Could I interest you in taking a look at my novel, Charlie Parker's C....

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my comments


I wrote 275 days ago

Read up to the end of chapter two. Fun stuff, with some nice lines, ezpecially the helen of troy bit. I'm not sure the pitch dies this justice though, it's a damn sight better than advertised and e prologue opening works well to my mind. I know some don't like them but I think that is a really g... view book

I wrote 279 days ago

CLOG Review Read to the end of chapter three. This is an amiable amble through what appears to be a small village. It has elements of lovejoy and the vicar of dibley about it, perhaps withou the farce of the latter. It also had a similar vibe to the movie keeping mum. All in all therefore, a ... view book

I wrote 280 days ago

It is, perhaps more so, but I warn you it is rude. Not as rude as the first one (although they are stand alone booked, arterial spray is he first book with these characters). Read only if you like Tom sharp, Ben Elton and the like. view book

I wrote 280 days ago

It is, perhaps more so, but I warn you it is rude. Not as rude as the first one (although they are stand alone booked, arterial spray is he first book with these characters). Read only if you like Tom sharp, Ben Elton and the like. view book

I wrote 283 days ago

Thanks for your kind words! view book

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