That was fun to read.:)
mOOn platOOn ch. 1 to 5 inc.I like your book cover and the title. The capital 'O's really make this stick. Your short pitch is fine but your long pitch does not impart any information which would really attract me to this sci-fi. I detect a certain humour but humour isn't included in the genre, so maybe I'm mistaken.I'm writing these comments as I read.A Mass. I'm sorry, but if I read this as the first page of a sci-fi book intending to purchase I think I would pass. The problem is if I read a sci fi story I want to read it for escapism, for action, adventure, monsters from outer space etc. I appreciate that makes me a shallow reader, although I hope not a shallow person. This Mass is more like reading the prologue to a deep political drama - conspiracy theories, American idealism etc. It's not drawing me in - not making me want to read this book.Chapter 1. Right, let's forget the Mass, you've got me hooked with the first paragraph. Very funny - and I do know what Reagan looked like, so none taken. I've really enjoyed this first chapter. The humour is excellent as is your writing. No errors that I could see and the dialogue between Reagan and Boushey -love it.Chapter 2. You really have a very engaging way of writing. I'm really getting into this story and laughing a lot as well. A few trivial errors:Second paragraph - 'It got the unusual reaction, about how unusual my first name is.' (I think maybe it should read 'It got the usual reaction..........') '......Shellie who worked in the Senator's mail room an wanted........' [and]"Very nice meeting you, Shellie" She smiled as turned,.......' [smiled as she turned]"Why do you know this about me?" ["How do you know this about me?"]"So you're a recruiter! I am not joining the Army." [He'd be more likely to say "I'm not joining the Army"]I couldn't see any errors in the remaining 2 chapters and, by the end of chapter 5, I'm really into this story. It's fast paced, unusual and very funny. I have limited time but I want to see what happens to Oberon so I'm going to download this to my Kindle and read on. See - fickle women - I really couldn't get excited about this when I read the first page - now I'm going to buy it. 6 stars from me and will back in the weeks to come, after I've given other promised backings. JanetJanet/HelenThe Stranger In My Life
The Vonnegut comment is astutue. Mike Feral has a lot of Vonnegut DNA and I was inspired by his attitude for the old man; then when the book first hit Kindle in free promos it shot up to sit parallel with Vonnegut's beside the best selling paid SF. That was a huge thrill just to see.
Steve,There's a Kurt Vonnegut feel to the way you write, but maybe it's just me wandering off into the thicket as usual. Your first person POV does get one a ringside seat on the goings-on post-20th century. The leap from internet lover to Martian date is indeed a long one but then so is getting to be a hundred years old. Credibility for one applies to the other including sexual ability at a very mature age. Your conversational style and intrepid dialogue are delightful. Thank you so much for sharing.Kenneth Edward LimThe North Korean
I hope so - I trimmed the original manuscript by half!
Read the first three chapters and I must say that I like it. I'm really into it and it's definitely going on my watchlist. In a place in the first chapter you write "thought about this is 40 years." That should probably be "in 40 years" right? A minor thing I noticed.I like the speed of the story, it's neither too quick or too slow and the protagonist is interesting and will continue to be so for a full story I think. -Lauritzen
How To Meet Women In Bars by John Harold McCoy The HBD Review: This book needs to be thrust to the editpr's desk without further hesitation. It is imperative that Harper Collins wrap its collective corporate mind around the invaluable treasurechest their cybenetic contribution has become. Additionally, the pressure of having two books already reach the desk has placed a burden upon Mr. McCoy that can only be imagined by Paul Freeman. Upon "reading" the...collection of thoughts...HBD realized the special nature with which this review must be handled. The fact that his pitch has a disclaimer indicating no expectation for the book to go anywhere signals just the opposite to keen observers of those on the edge. Anyone who'd like to wish the author well may write to him at: St Petersburg Behavioral Hlthc (727) 823-4248 433 4th St N, St Petersburg, FL ...or go during visiting hours. But right now the author looks exactly like Julius Caesar. HBD
Christ. I get to be the first commenter? No pressure. Anyway, I know you're looking for feedback and usually I don't provide detailed crits on autho because it's incredibly tedious without the copy paste feature. But I know you're self-pubbing this and I've seen so many self-pubbed books go out that could be great but are only 'good' or 'mediocre' because they weren't edited as well as they could've been. So I'm going to put some effort into this.I've read the first three chapters at this point and I like what I've read. You excel at world-building, that's for certain, and for a first draft this isn't bad at all. I went through and made notes, which I'll just paste here:Chapter one“The new arrival took in the gigantic plant life surrounding him, receiving the unsettling suspicion, kept quiet, that some of them might be carnivorous.” I had to read this sentence several times to understand it-- the way it's worded is clunky. The bit about the tree speaking-- show, don't tell. I'm not a stickler for writing rules necessarily, but I feel like this moment would have been better if you'd used that rule here. There's a time and a place, and readers would be more drawn in if they actually felt your character's shock and surprise.“He turned to look about and no one was evident on the heavily wooded trail behind him, but he couldn’t see very far.” Another sentence I'd reword. Perhaps, "He looked around and saw no one on the heavily wooded trail behind him, but then that wasn't saying much since it was dark out." Or something like that.I’m a bit confused about the tree bit. Is there a person actually speaking to him through the chip, or is it just a computer system talking?The bit about the dog is interesting—I’m guessing the chip attached to him is different from the one attached to the tree. An automated dog whisperer—hahaha. “By midnight the dog had settled peacefully outside Orbot’s trailer, happily fed and watered, catching up on well-needed rest while Orbot sat in a folding chair beside him with his telescope on a tripod aimed at a particular place between the orbits of Earth and the Moon.” Waaaaaaaaaaaaay too long. You could split this up into two, maybe even three sentences. Run-ons are very rarely necessary.“had stricken” feels awkward, though it might be grammatically correct. It’s also rather passive. Chapter two:This is where it gets interesting. I actually feel that it might’ve been better for you to open here—it’s a more effective hook, in my opinion. But then I haven’t read enough at this point to know whether or not that’s workable. Just how I feel at the moment.“eyes of piercing blue” sounds clunky. “Piercing blue eyes” would do just fine.Do we really need to know everybody’s weight? I feel like you’re trying too hard with these physical descriptions. They distract from what’s going on. Who really cares what they look like right now? It’s better to work in details like this gradually, rather than info dumping, because now I’m having to stop and focus on what they look like instead of on the story. I know you’re using the descriptions as a way to identify them since we don’t know their names but you could tone it down.“Oh no, my fathers warn[ed] me of the Devil!”This scene is meant to be somewhat comical and ridiculous, I imagine, but I feel like you’ve perhaps drawn it out a bit too much. Might just be a personal preference. If these characters actually stick around for the long term then I suppose it’s good to use this scene to flesh them out and introduce them, but if not it could suffice to just say they blabbered and panicked or something. As it is, I’m having a bit of trouble following what is happening—but perhaps that’s intentional. They all speak different languages and yet are able to understand each other, and there is someone speaking in all of their heads? Or that’s what I’ve got so far.Chapter Three:An app that acts as a confidante? Now THAT’S interesting. My life might be easier if I had one of those. Ahem. Getting off track here.Interesting way to handle DWIs. Wonder if that would work so well in actual execution.I'm not certain what this bit at the end has to do with the scene in chapter two. Perhaps I'm just not good at putting two and two together, or we're not meant to find out until later.Anyway, that's as far as I've gone so far. I'll come back and give you some more thoughts on later chapters as I go. :)xx Jasmine
I found a lot of passion and introspection in the passages I read, and was impressed with the realism of the dialogue. As a dramatist myself, I often imagine a scene unfolding and write down the dialogue first, building everything else around it. Be careful with too many adjectives. A phrase like "I smiled exaggeratedly" is clumsy compared to "My smile was way too big." Or "I smiled like a fool." Or "I flashed a big fake smile." Depending on the affect you're aiming for. You're an inspired storyteller.-Steve
A horribly blunt review was just composed for you that was wiped out by some %#^$%# technical glitch. Will redo...;)
Iniko's Children: Pandora's Box by Danielle M. Thomas The HBD Review: "In Georgia," claims author Danielle, "we write like we talk." Since Danielle claims graduation from an accredited university, the state of higher education must be even worse than we feared. Apparently college graduate now talk like this. There no need for thing like "s" at end of plural or "ed" at end of thing like ended. Apparently Latin and ebonics have had a child, Georgionics. All of this wouldn't be irritating so much as pathetic were it not for the blatant plagiarism perpetrated by our pretty little peanut from the south. Rather than merely imitate the Harry Potter series like half the other dunces in the current confederacy of would-be YA authors, Ms. Thomas hijacks Hogwarts outright. Lately she's even been calling herself D.M. Rowling and submitting handwritten manuscripts on legal pads to business people coming out of big buildings. If ever there existed a mismatch between aspiration and ability, it exists here in this radioactive poison of pixel abuse. But the author's teeth are the whitest on authonomy. HBD
Rest assured, these issues are addressed.It isn't strange that there has been no contact with the world of the surface. Only one submersible has ever descended to 35,000 feet, back in 1960. Nuclear submarines don't work below 5,000 feet.
read the first four chapters, which is my usual, i found the writing good, several interesting plot lines introduced early on, some have high sci fi value and are bound to get the sci fi reader interested, i think after the first four chapters one big challenge is giving a plausible explanation of why sophisticated beings from the depths have lived so long and not made substantial contact with the world above, it must include references to their phisiology and their domain, making that jibe with the scheme of things, becasue the work references a reasoned world then it kind of needs to make it consistent, a sci fi reader will want that, i am sure it does, the plot lines and the characters are interesting and the story is very readable, it looks like it could be a "page turner", i will give it a good rating, best wishes
Wow. With a review like the one HarperCollins wrote, why are they not publishing this?
From UK Amazon:4.0 out of 5 stars And I'm getting too old.............., 13 Sep 2011 By Falcorob - See all my reviewsThis review is from: Getting Too Young For This! (Kindle Edition) I liked this book. It is well written and thought out and follows a man who is going to live for a very long time indeed thanks to modern (future) medical advances. It focuses on his obsession with one woman, and his attempts to recreate her after her untimely death. Though not particularly thought provoking, and certainly not in the same literary class as a Banks, it is good enough to make me keep coming back until the book is finished, and then to start a search for further works from the same author which I shall be reading shortly. A good book with a novel concept and a decent storyline. Worthy of 4 stars.
Thanks Orma. For a glimpse of the Tangleshock denizens you can start from this link http://tangleshock.wordpress.com/the-worlds-of-tangleshock/and look around.
Hi Steve, thought I'd pop over and have a look at what you're writing.Three books on the go! Had to pick one, though it best to start with the first.I don't know what I was expecting, going by your forum persona and gift of an extensive vocabulary, I thought I would find some long-winded literary allegory, with lots of big words I wouldn't understand.But, I'm surprised to find you write sci-fi, brilliant, love sci-fi.I don't like to gush, so I'll just say this was a very unusual and extremely interesting story.I feel like I want some kind of picture of what these new creatures look like. You know a really detailed analysis.It would be better if you could draw them and send them to me. I'm desperately curious.I've read four chapters, so maybe you go into more detail then. No time at present or I'd read all the chapters.Will I ever find out?Very pleasantly surprised, good luck and all the best, from Orma.
Thanks BBA for the HBD.However, I must continue to deny the presence of mermaids in Tangleshock more times than Herman Cain has to deny accusers.
A HBDB review...After peering out the round window of the bathysphere, his tentacles quivering with alarm, the Admiral swivels his chair around and announces to his loyal crew: "It's a Trap!"I'm intrigued: a calamari space opera turned on its head! No, it's not about UFOs this time, it's about USOs. The vast depths and volumes of the ocean are employed as an inner space, an uncharted frontier filled with terrestrial aliens. And it's here that we are lead to identify with giant squid, whales and mermaids. The narrative of a man stranded among the Inuit, looking for his father is stranded in an ocean of weird.Like Star Trek, Steve Games has employed a writer to supply lists of technical names for all sorts of interesting sea life, where 'krill' and 'goo' might satisfy the reader. The point of view shifts quite a lot. I kind of want it to stick to one chapter at a time like the tides, because otherwise it leaves me disorientated. But you do have the most outlandish alien sex scene I've ever read however, I congratulate you. Also, I especially liked the guide and his phone call, and the descriptions of light patterns on your undersea creatures.– Bea B.
Shining Dawn - Chapters 1 and .... by A. G. Chaudhuri The HBD Review: What is "the greatest mystery of all time?" Some would postulate the existence of God. Others, the origin and meaning of life. Or perhaps the ultimate nature of the Universe? For sci-fi writer AG Chaudhuri it must be "How do I get laid?" Because it's obvious from the samples that the Chaud has been teething too many twizzlers during episodes of Doctor Who. Claiming the whole concocted finger-slap takes place in an "alternate reality" seems disingenuous at best, unimaginative at the very least, because its description fits the world of today. Perhaps the Chaud is a child of privilege and lives among the 1% so deeply that the author is merely channeling the news through osmosis and THINKS it's an invented alternate reality. Why do so many sci-fi works concern themselves with "dystopia?" Because it's a hell of a lot easier to imagine destruction than it is to create a new world. The greatest of all mysteries remains: why do so many people fail as storytellers when they've been hearing stories all their lives? But the author is unrelentingly polite. HBD
They Call Me Blanca by Laura A. Diaz Many Mexicans in California will tell you "We didn't cross the border, the border crossed us." Yes, it did. And Columbus crossed the Atlantic way before that. And Native American Indians crossed the Bearing Straights long before that. And on and on. So what decade will it be before those Mexicans get past it and either follow the border south or get over the old cultural claptrap? Worrying about what particular shade of off-white your skin falls under (depending on tan lines and the time of year) is so 20th century. There is truth to the novel's assumption that Stockton, California is never going to make the "most livable cities" list. I spent a month there and heard gunshots every night. Combining all these gritty elements into another After School Special-ish look at how poor overworked Jesus can pull any hot tamale out of the criminal frying pan is the recipe for a siesta. Start reading then pull your sombreo over your head and lean back against the wall. You can be sure that this chiuaua yapping taco belle will spam you for a wake up call. But the author wraps a mean burrito.
I've read badder.
This was unusual. Anyone who doubts the existence of new ideas need look no further - I can't think of anything that parallels this one. (I could be mistaken of course.) I think your sample lets off before it's possible to really get knitted in with the plot, which may be the plan. You have some interesting flavors here, certainly. I'm not a huge Sci-Fi kind of girl, so I can't speak much about it. I do agree with previous comments that dismissing anyone who may not know offhand what Reagan looked like in 1982 might be a little offputting. You do it again later with Nixon. Though I do recall their appearances, I wonder if "lazy" isn't needlessly inflammatory. They could just be young, maybe. Again, perhaps it was intentional.I spotted a few typos and a couple of jarring tense shifts (in Ch. 3 "I'm offended.... I kill the glass of wine..." for example) which caused me to pause. I also wondered if perhaps you mean Oberon got the "usual" response (ch 3 again) rather than the "unusual" one.But of course, I find myself second-guessing any comment I think of making here. In the end, I am left wondering if perhaps this is all over my head.
Technically, being set on the Moon, it IS over your head (and mine).Everything you mentioned was intentional keeping in mind this is the voice and tone of the first person narrator, Oberon.Oberon says he would actually like to change "lazy" to "damned lazy" since googling Reagan or Nixon would take about five seconds.He also says that unless you're pre-6th grade you should have some grasp of American history in recent times enough to know a little about Nixon and Reagan. But what does he know? He's still bitter from being used in mOOn platOOn.SMG
This reads like Dr Strangelove meets 2001. It is a black farce and should be treated as such. Its Inventive and caustically witty style may not be to everyone's taste and you will lose readers when saying things like "beat it" if you don't remember how old Nixon looked.If you can inject a little more humanity you might be onto a winner. It is very Kubrickesque in its coldness. There is not much to engage the reader here. Also your pitch mentioning "whores" is a turn off unless you really don't care.These are just my thoughts and its all your own work but it leaves me cold when I really thought it had something. But then again I am not a science fiction fan, though I am not sure this falls into that category. Starred. Regards, Mark
Mark, thanks for commenting. Thanks for the Kubrick comparison. As I said to my GF, there are worse things than being compared to a successful mega artist. I love the idea that someone would bolt after reading "beat it." That is the narrator's voice, you know, and he's kind of hard-boiled. Hence the cool attitude and tone throughout. And the fact that you are unsure that it falls under "science fiction" is pleasing to no end. Sincerely, SMG
Review by: Justin Mitchell on Feb. 19, 2011 : I couldn't put this story down! It is a real eye-opener. Whether the specific instances in this story are true or not, I think the essence of the situation was portrayed accurately. Anyone looking at this book should definitely read it!(review of free book) Review by: Carilda Thomas on Feb. 17, 2011 : Excellent story professionally written.(review of free book)
Crap...lol Now I want to know what a tangleshock is. They sound enlightened yet primitive. For example, they know the value of life an lessons, but don't know what the sun is. Might be a dumb question but, whats the time frame for one recurrent? Over all i really like the book, but I have one hope an that is that they are a new race of your creation an not mermen / maids. Don't tel me, i'll read on....lol
This is NOT about mermaids! In fact, this was inspired because I wanted a realistic take on undersea intelligence and its possibilities. Aquaman and the Sub-Mariner be damned, Atlantis be sunk. You have never read about anything like - Tangleshock!