Wow, this is a humorous read! I quite enjoyed it. It's easy to read, flows so nicely, and makes me smile often. It's no wonder you made it to number two! I wish I could give you sound criticism and advice for this first chapter, but I didn't see anything wrong with it. It was a refreshing read, and I will read on. Hopefully I can find something to critique, because I feel pretty useless right now. Im also excited to learn more about history and the shooting. You deserve to be in the top ten. view book

So glad I read this...you are such a compelling writer...so honest...its like a breath of fresh air. This life you are writing about is fascinating...its alien to me, something from a far off dream. Its insightful and I want to read more about how you regard women and their needs...
Awesome job with this...you have an amazing talent!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

You are an excellent writer. I really enjoyed the few chapters I read; there was great suspense during the stare-off between the "goat" and Jay. Really great job.

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

I really like your story. Its so fun...I just want to keep reading and reading. I cant wait until everyone realizes Ashley isnt the queen--or at least thats what I think so far.
Here are a few typo's I found:
"The spring weather is still cool..." "was" still cool. You want to stay in the same tense.
"Not to close comrades, our deer might take flight again." (too)
"...with the promised that..." (promise)---first chapter.

Rane and Ashley have just been ripped from their own world...wouldn't they be a little more...freaked out? ---just a thought.

Otherwise a very fine start to a novel. I love the idea, and your writing is very good. Great job!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

A very good book so far. I enjoyed reading it.
However, I felt that you jumped between Chesley's point of view and Aldrics to hastily...it was somewhat confusing. Perhaps you could indicate who is speaking a bit more clearly?
Other than that it was good. Your dialogue is believable, sensible, and the bond Chesley feels for his son, Aldric, is genuin. Great job!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

You really convey a sense of lonliness, of teen rebellion...almost as if Clay wants to feel this way. The things he thinks, says, and does really drags me in...makes me feel sympathy for him...makes me hate the rest of his family.
Dialogue is excellent, well structured, relatable, believable. I want...I dont know what I want. Maybe for him to finally find the love he obviously craves??? I haven't found a single typo so far, and you write so...creatively. Its easy to imagine whats happening.
I'm giving this six stars. Such a great start to a story. Great job!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

Um...wow. I read up to chapter 7 and I was totally blown away. Your writing style is spunky, creative, suspensful...I was easily absorbed into it. I honestly had to pull myself away so I can go eat dinner.

I am a very opinionated person, and the stories I really like and want to see succeed--like yours-- I tend to dive very deeply into them, pointing out anything and everything I see. Just please remember that this is only one opinion, and you may not like my suggestions. If you dont...then just ignore them.

"She hummed softly as she skipped up the stairs, her bare feet pattering on the steps."---Perhaps you could re-write as: Humming softly, she skipped up the stairs, her bare feet pattering on the steps.--this way you are not starting your story off with "She."
"The sun had set less than an hour ago and the sky had become incredibly dark"---How about: The sun had set an hour ago and the sky was now a dark inky blue...? Yea...Nay? Just a burst of nosiness on my part.
"...thousands upon thousands of glimmering stars were speckled across the sky." How about: ...thousands upon thousands of glimmereing stars filled the evening sky.---This way you get ride of that pesky word "were."
"She could see the twinkling sight clearly within view though her transparent glass ceiling."--delete "within view." It will flow better without those two words.
"Now it's time to get to business."--I dont see someone actually saying this. It's too formal. How about "Here we go"... or something like that.
"blindingly bright light"--all three words mean light or bright. I would delete blindingly.
"The light pulsed like a live entity..."--I would delete "like a live entity." The rest of your sentence already has a "like." So it would look like this: The light pulsed--like it had a beating heart of it's own.---simple, and to the point.

Be careful of the "was" and "were" words. They take away from the beauty of the writing. Try to structure sentences without them...if possible. Sometimes, however, there are no alternatives. You had many of them in the beginning, but later on I didn't see many at all.

So, I must conclude with...I LOVED IT! Heck yes I did. When I have a free space on my shelf, I'm going to put your story there. Great work with this, and good luck. Six stars for your star maker!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings
view book

Your story is fascinating. It's interesting to read about your first hand account of the 50's and 60's, about you and your brother shooting arrows at each other, about not locking doors, about women working. Compelling stuff.

Here are some small errors:

"One thing nice about Santa Barbara compared to Oregon was the nice climate"---you've said "nice" twice. I would replace one of them with plus, or great, or something like that.
"Well another girl came into my life(;)her name was Linda and I thought she was beautiful."---place a semicolon between "life" and "her."
"In third grade you showed a girl, you liked her by throwing dirt clods..."---delete comma after "girl."
"John Doe, cannot suppory his family..."---delete comma.
"Besides Inflation..." do not need to capitalize inflation..."Prices rising faster than wages did"---increased...not rising.

Really great book so far. I learned a lot too!

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

I would never forget a promised swap read! I've read your prologue, Intro, and "The Beginning", so far, and I'm liking what I'm seeing. I intend to read more, I just wanted you to know that I wont leave you out to freeze!

Here are a few minor things I caught...

Prologue:
"I sat up straight in bed(,) the sweat..." --insert a comma.
"Terrified, looking around the darkened room(,)"--replace period with comma.
"The nightmares and flashbacks had begun to be more intense"--I would rewrite as: The nightmares and flashbacks had become more intense.
"I muttered to myself squeeze not pull as you were trained to do---I muttered to myself, "Squeeze, not pull as you were trained to do."
The Beginning:
"...a happy and quiet baby(comma) unlike my older brother..."---I would replace the period with a comma here.
Forgot to capitalize "somehow" in 4th paragraph.
"Like the time I lit, a match"---delete comma.
"Well there was a flash of flame..." I would delete "Well," and start the sentence with "there." It would sound better.

So far the story is quite good. A few mistakes here and there, but compelling and heartfelt nonetheless. I will continue reading tonight, as I am about to head out. Till then...

Kerrin Krainis
Wings


view book

I just finished up to chapter seven, and I enjoyed your story immensely. I loved Rosetta's strength, and her fearlessness when captured. I liked how the Captain clenched his fists when he thought something "unsavory" may have happened to her...it could be the possibility of a relationship between them. You ended each chapter with just enough suspense to keep me glued to my computer, and I commend you for that.

One thing I noticed is you say the word "so" quite often. I would go through your story and find the "so's" and try to re-write a bit or find replacement words.

"open mouths of fishes."---I would say "fish."

You have a simple way of writing, and you move the story along quickly, which I like. I'm also looking forward to seeing her grow into a Queen. Great story. Highly rated.

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

Hi Dianna, I just finished up to chapter three and I was totally blown away. You write with such passion, conviction, and assurance that it touched my heart. It is stories like these that really float my boat, and I'm so glad you decided to share it with all of us.

As far as error's, typos, or plot flaws, I really didn't spot any. You've either caught them all, or I was just so absorbed that I missed them!

You have a wonderful novel here so far, and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens with it.

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

I just finished reading up to chapter three and I must say that I was completely absorbed. It was well written, the dialigue was believable, and the imagery was amazing. Maion is a very likeable character, and even though he succumbed to "evil"---no thanks to the drugs--he kept his concious close at hand, doing his best to see past possible trickery. I really like his character.

The story moves along nicely. It has a good pace, but I would've liked to have known his gender sooner...I kept reading thinking it was a girl. Typical me! I also noticed that you sometimes repeat certain words in close proximity--it didn't happen too often, only enought for me to take notice. Here's one example: In chapter one, paragraphs 2 and 3, you say "room" three times close together.

For the first paragraph of chapter two, I tweaked the first sentence. If you hate it...just ignore it! Here it is: "I open my eyes. Well, I try to open them, but only one will open." This way, you say "eyes" only once in that sentence.

Also in para. one, I tweaked another one. I took out a few words to make it flow better: "I shift my gaze wildly around to get a sense of where I am." I took out "what I can see of the room" because it felt too jumbled to me.

Again, I thought this was a superb book. You have a true flair for writing.

Kerrin Krainis
Wings view book

Great writing! I finished up to chapter three, and I am absolutely in love with your writing. Usually, when I do a review, I try and give as much constructive criticism as I can. But so far I've found nothing to remark on, which makes me feel somewhat useless. ;-) I'm just glad I got to enjoy an awesome book!

Kerrin krainis (Wings) view book

You are an exceptional writer. The suspense was just right, the writing fluid...I enjoyed reading it. The very last sentence, however, caught me off guard. I know he's happy to have his son, but his wife is dead, and he's not really sharing anything with her. I dont see how he would never want that particular moment to end. If it were me, I would just end the chapter without that line. But, of course, that is only my opinion.

Again, so far this is an awesome story. Great job!

Kerrin Krainis (Wings) view book

This was an enticing story! Your creativity, suspense, and overall writing ability was great. This is most certainly a book I would enjoy reading! I have only a few suggestions:

"Your wife failed to realize that." the Immortal--"the" should be capitalized.

He flicked the switch turning on the light--there should be a comma after "switch."

...short black hair, deep azure serene eyes---I would delete either azure or serene...its too cluttered with both descriptions.

...Sam put his head down between his palms and began to sigh--I think this would sound better like this: Putting his head down between his palms, he sighed.--this way you dont use his name twice in close proximity.

One thing you do, and something I myself had a problem with, is say "Sam" too often. The reader knows you are talking about Sam, and it can be jarring when it is mentioned too often. I would go through your story and replace many of the "Sams" with "he, him," etc.

...his parent's car slowly rising into the air. He slowly---you say slowly twice here. Try to rewrite it of=r replace one of the "slowly's" with another word.

Well, that is all the advice I have. I really did enjoy this. I read thorugh it very quickly, and that is usually a sign of my interest. You most certainly have an awesome talent, and I look forward to reading more!

Kerrin Krainis (Alaska) "Wings" view book

Loved the first chapter! The ending is certainly a page turner, and it is already working on me...I want to turn the page and keep reading! You are an excellent writer, and I can most certainly see this in a bookstore ready for the picking!

Kerrin Krainis (Alaska) view book

I dont even have the words to tell you how awesome I thought this was. It was so easy to read...I don't think I saw even a single mistake. It honestly looked, felt, and read like a professionally edited book...something you would certainly find in a book store. I read through it fast, it having captured my interest from the very start. You can be sure that I will continue to read this...and obviously I'm backing it! Great Job!

Kerrin Krainis (Alaska) view book

So far I'm liking what I'm reading! I've only gotten to the first chapter, but I wanted to tell you what I thought. There is an easy grace to your writing...smooth, flowy, elegant. I especially liked the very last line in your prologue..."if they'd been a little more carefull....its like you are forcing us to read on! Nice. You created a good element of anticipation...I really want to know how the kidnapping works out, and if it is ultimately for a good or bad reason. Really great job. You should be proud to be such a skilled writer!

Kerrin Krainis (Alaska) view book

I liked it! You have an energetic way of writing. I saw no errors, or typo's or any of that sort of jazz. I can seriously see this in a bookstore, fresh for the picking! It was easy to read, flowed effortlessly, was...in every way...flawless. I can see how you climbed up the Authonomite ladder so quick. Your story rocks!

Kerrin Krainis (Alaska) view book

WOW. This first chapter was awesome. I'm wondering if it was the pill he took that revived something within him. But my god, I loved it. It was so well written, edgy, original, etc etc. I liked the tension and excitement you created in this...it was artfully done. You have a masterful talent for writing. view book