Clive,
After reading the Prologue and part of the first chapter, I'm slightly surprised to find this book so close to the desk in its current state. The writing is verbose and drowning in adjectives, unnecessarily complicated vocabulary and mixed metaphor. This has the effect of stifling any rhythm or flow. It is sloppily edited, with many punctuation errors, and is nowhere near the standard expected from a book this highly ranked.

I couldn't get beyond half-way through the first chapter because there were no incidents of note, and it became a meandering mess. The Prologue is completely unnecessary and tells the reader nothing. There is little to hook the reader and draw him/her in.

If I were you, I'd get busy with editing, because if the HC reviewer sees the writing in its current state, I'm afraid it'll get torn to shreds. Many published writers mention that at least a half to two-thirds of the first draft should go in the editing process, doesn't seem as though you're cutting nearly enough. I'd also like to see more exciting dialogue, it feels, slow, unnatural and clunky. Be a little more ruthless and your writing will benefit greatly. view book

Hi Susanna,
a return read for your support of 'Outsiders'. Thank you very much for that, it is much appreciated!

I loved these little snapshots and thought that many of them were certainly good enough to submit in flash fiction competitions, if you fancied it. There are some great flash comps around, and the prize money ain't half bad so go for it! All you might need to do is to shape the story element a little more in places, so that you have a killer last line or a twist at the end. There was a strong element of memoir and my other thought was that perhaps you were thinking along those lines, of putting these together for something longer. That might work too as many left me wanting to know more. Particularly that first story about 'Mam'.

Wasn't so fond of the rhyming poems, felt that the rhymes dominated slightly too much, and I know sometimes it was for comic effect, but they didn't work as well for me as the short prose.

All the best,
5 stars from me.
Sharda. x view book

Maeve,
As always, I really admired your writing for its wit and ideas. I read the first two chapters and was hooked throughout. It's very smooth and seamless and the writing is wonderfully quick and alive. There's an original voice for your main character and you managed to make us interested in her without quite knowing how or why.

It’s a credit to how good this is that my nit picking is so... nit picky!
Here are my notes:

Chp 1
There were a couple lines where I had to stop and re-read, or which made me ever so slightly doubt the universe of the story.

“I come from a long line of small belligerent people and it wasn’t hard” is a fantastic line. But it makes it sound like she is spoiling for a fight, which this feels slightly as though it has come out of nowhere, for me anyway.

“The mosquito gave me a mildly inquisitive look” This, of course, is funny, but it is slightly too whacky and out of kilter with the tone so far. So far we've had a fairly solid and normal universe.

Both are great lines, so it's either a case of murdering ones darlings, or maybe just laying the ground for them a little more.

You talk about Jeremy’s one room apartment, but then it transpires there is a balcony and a bedroom. This loses the rather nice sense of claustrophobia you had achieved when you first mentioned the apartment. It’s lost again with phrases like “led Lucia over to the corner” then “finally they came back” [from the corner]. All make the apartment sound larger than it initially did. Would increase the tension if it really was tiny.

Chp 2
Loved the first line “Jeremy and I didn’t talk about it because Jeremy and I don’t.” Sounds like me and the husband!

Didn’t like “Off in the distance there were several men chatting up what looked like a prostitute” thought that was a tad vague and again it leapt out a bit as a missed opportunity for your acerbic wit!

As someone who had to visit the Caribbean a lot as a child and who got stung all over frequently, in the end I found the only way to combat the buggers was to literally cover myself in clothing, so I never wore shorts or skirts, just trousers and long floaty shirts. I even went to the extent of tucking the bottoms of my trousers into my socks, as the buggers would go up my trouser legs and sting my ankles. They would still, occasionally sting me through the clothing. Perhaps you could use that – so she could constantly feel like she’s covered head to foot, compared to everyone else with their skimpy clothing. Just a thought.

“One of her arms had snaked up over HER shoulder and was caressing the dark gold of HIS head” feels like there’s a typo there.

You have two tank tops in here, the main character’s and the little man at the bar. Felt like one too many.

Other than that I loved it. 6 stars and straight on my shelf.
Sharda.
http://authonomy.com/books/48251/outsiders/
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Hi Lesa,
a return read for your kind comment on my short stories.

I loved the ideas expressed in your pitch. It feels fresh and original and the execution is good too.

I felt a strong sense of place from the start. In Chapter 1, my only issue was perhaps you might need more of a hook and that there felt to be a little too much dialogue and that the dialogue could be spiced up a bit in places.

But the descriptions were good and the characters were interesting too. This is a very good start for an original idea.

All the best,
Sharda. view book

Hi Robert,
apologies for the time it took for me to take a look at this, but we've just moved house! Thanks again for your support of 'Outsiders'.

Lots of lovely scene setting and description here, you have a really good eye for salient detail and this is a whole, well imagined world with rounded characters.
My only niggle would be that it might be nice to have a little more action to draw the reader in. Have something important happen in Chp 1 that encourages the reader onwards. Apart from that I have no real issues at all. This is well crafted and well written stuff.
All the best,
Sharda. view book

Hi Lavinia,
a return read for your suppose of 'Outsiders'. Thanks again for that.

Well this is exactly the sort of thing I enjoyed as a young teenager. Pretty dresses, a 'cinderella' main character, a posh event and a handsome man! Perfect.

I like the build of intrigue from the Prologue. It provides a good hook to make the reader want to read on.

At times I thought you steered a little too close to cliche, and the dialogue could probably do with spicing up a bit, but this is perfectly acceptable teen fare. An art form in itself. Well done. 5 stars.
Sharda. view book

Hi Peter,
a return read for your comments on 'Outsiders'.

This is a thoughtful and well-researched book. I like the small sections and your style which is particularly readable and light for such subject matter. I am an atheist, but I do find the changes through time and entrenched mis-translations a fascinating part of the history of the Bible. This is a very useful reference point and makes for an interesting read.

All the best with this,
5 stars from me,
Sharda. view book

Hi Ben,
a return read for your support of 'Outsiders'. Many thanks.

I liked the feel of this. It takes it's time, but it is gentle and rich with lots of detail and charming sensory descriptions. I would have prefered a little less description and a little more action which would help to improve the pace slightly, but that's just my personal preference.

Here are the notes I made (I read until the end of section -3-).

Not entirely convinced about the first time. I love the line later on, starting ‘The keys...’ such a bitter-sweet moment we can all identify with.

Love the painterly descriptions of the weather, colours etc. Beautiful. E.g. ‘So much bile in his yellows and greens that you could almost smell it in the studio, almost taste it in the yellows...”

Slightly too much description, which slows the pace too much. Especially in the para “They were rather fine Georgian townhouses...” and the next couple of paras.

I think I prefer Francis’s POV, it seems a little less staid. Enjoyed the descriptions of his love life, beautifully done.

An intriguing set-up and two interesting and unusual characters, but perhaps just slightly too leisurely for me.

An easy 5 stars,
all the best,
Sharda. view book

This is exactly the sort of book I love. It's unusual, full of great characters and good dialogue. It moves quickly, there's nothing phoney or pretentious about it. It's honest, gritty and real. It's not someone trying to write well for the sake of writing well, it is a story, simply and stylishly told and therefore IS well written, but not self-consciously so. The writing is secondary to the story, it never gets in the way. Perfect.

I love poker and have been playing it since I was a kid. I don't know if it's true but the story is that my Dad got himself through University with poker winnings. I can well believe it. But I know, as I have tried, that it's a difficult subject to write about well, the stats and mechanics of it are hard to explain elegantly. I have every confidence that you've tackled this admirably and I look forward to reading on.

In the meantime, it's got a place on my shelf for a good few weeks, if not longer. Well done, this is as good an MS as I've ever read on Autho. Hope you're submitting this to agents too. Best of luck. 6 stars, without question.
Sharda. view book

Hi Laura,
a return read for your support of 'Outsiders'.

This is touching writing. Easy to read and with a good flow. My only niggle was that sometimes you ambled about a bit too much, which is when my interest waned a little here and there. It's a common problem with memoir-type writing, so perhaps it could do with a really ruthless edit, chopping out the asides and anything strictly unnecessary to the 'story'.

But still, intriguing and highly readable.
5 stars from me,
all the best,
Sharda. view book

Hi Kevin,
A return read for your support of ‘Outsiders’. Thanks again.

I liked your pitch, but perhaps a few more paragraph breaks wouldn’t go amiss. It also seems to give too much away, perhaps a shorter pitch which just teases the reader to open the book, rather than one which summarises too much of the plot.

I like the narrative voice, a convincingly deep POV and a very likeable main character in Willy.

I love Elsie! What a great character. I could really hear her voice and see her too.

Fantastic dialogue throughout. I read the first three chps. But I felt it was slightly too dialogue-heavy. Some more description of the settings would be good (in the wonderful voice of your main character, Willy, everything seen through his eyes would really add something). Also felt you needed a few more smells, sounds etc, to help to draw your reader into your world.

A wonderfully written story, Kevin, I really enjoyed this and will keep it on my WL for further reading. Will also think about a future backing when I have some more space on my shelf.
6 stars from me.
Sharda.


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Return read for your comment on ‘Outsiders’ thanks again for that!

I really liked the atmosphere of your first chapter. The writing is very good and you build the intrigue well. I usually don't go into much detail in my reviews, depends on my mood, but I felt that the writing was so good it deserved a closer read. So take the niggles as a back-handed compliment!

My notes:
Lovely quote, never heard it before, brilliant. And wonderful first line too.

The writing is beautiful, but a little dense at times. I had to re-read the second and third paragraphs to make sure I understood them. Lovely sentiments though.

Always feel the use of a female character’s hair colour (‘brunette’ in the fourth paragraph) sounds a bit ‘chick lit’. Also if she’s in the dark, it ruins the POV a little, as most of this seems to be told from her POV and would that be something she would observe about herself? Actually you do that in the next paragraph nicely with “with nothing but the rhythm of her breathing and footsteps for company”

‘tracing paper’ is nice, though ‘tracing paper cloak’ is rather mixing your metaphors a bit. What about just ‘tracing paper mist’?

You have two consecutive sentences both starting with ‘even’... “Even the gibbous moon...” and “Even in daylight...” feels a little repetitive.

6 paragraphs in, although generally I am really enjoying the writing, I am starting to find it slightly too descriptive. You could do with having a bit of an adjective cull. E.g. in the sentence “The only signs of life were restricted to the faded lights behind the closed curtains, blinds or bare dirty windows of the squalid flats”. Feels like you are always putting adjectives in front of your nouns, let some nouns go without adjectives and the flow will improve.

“watched each foot robotically”, robotically feels slightly out of place with the mood you are creating here. This all feels darkly beautiful and gritty, but robotically sticks out a little.

A little confused with POV in places. Some bits feel as though they are told from her POV “She vowed to continue walking...” and “She rubbed some of the cold from her face gently so as not to take away any of the meticulously applied foundation.” But the descriptive elements feel more from an omniscient narrator e.g. “An occasional breeze taunted her with abusive giggles as it brushed lightly by to harass its next victim”, would that really be how she would feel or describe the breeze? A deep POV should use the language of the character and describe everything through her eyes. It’ll help the writing to feel truly from the character’s POV.

These niggles are really very small, and I happily read to the end of the chapter. I like the action element of the chase etc and the mystery about the man. You leave room for your readers to ask questions and that always helps to maintain interest. But nothing is too impenetrable that a reader would switch off! That's a difficult balancing act to achieve, but you managed it well.

All the best with this,
5 stars from me,
Sharda. view book

Hi Abby,
A return read for your support of ‘Outsiders’.

Here are my notes:
Prologue – intriguing with a lyrical flow to the language. Felt a little like too much backstory, it might work better a little shorter and leaving more questions for the reader.

Chapter 1 – the intrigue continues, but I felt that the pace might be improved with a little more action & that you could have taken a little more time to set the scene. It felt a little like there was too much plot explanation/setting up and not enough gaps for your reader to ask questions. For example, the bit of dialogue starting “This has really taken a toll on me. I have gone over it again and again...” feels a little stilted, like you are trying to get the backstory in.

You write very well and the story feels as though it has great potential, but I think you could spoonfeed your readers a little less to draw them in more and provide more action to hook.
5 stars from me.
All the best,
Sharda.
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Hi Joshua,
a return read for your comments on 'Outsiders'. Thanks again.

I read 'Blood is Thicker than Water' and 'Inner Hope'.
Some lovely smooth writing, that quietly captivates. Was very touched by 'Inner Hope' and could really identify with the feelings of both characters. You captured the misunderstandings, frustrations and confusions of blossoming love very well.
Loved 'Blood is Thicker than Water', as a woman in my 40s I could really identify with the change in emotion that came with each lover, each section so beautifully and concisely drawn. It really followed the changes in relationships that occurs as one gets older, both in terms of romance and sex! And a lovely ending too. Good for her!!
All the best,
5 stars from me,
Sharda. view book

Hi Jaclyn,
a return read for your comment on 'Outsiders'.

This was intriguing and very well written. It drew me in slowly but surely in lots of ways. Characters I could identify with (particularly your downtrodden, subdued heroine); lots of mystery - the story about the father of course, but also the unusually close relationship between the two siblings and a good amount of action early on (the scream on the bus, the flashback in the car and the fight at school).

I read the first two chapters, but would have happily read more. There was some lovely and thoughtful writing here. I also particularly liked lines such as, “I was at my last school for four and a half years and didn’t know anyone there either.” and “even his hair is tougher than mine”.

Niggles? The first line could pack a bigger punch. The second line would make a better first line! Also, a better, brighter cover would help to draw more readers your way. You could ask Bradley Wind, he does some great free ones for Authonomites. Check out his thread.

All the best with this, 6 stars from me,
Sharda.
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Hi Peter,
Sorry it's taken me so long to get round to this.

You have a golden opportunity here, you have led an unusual life, full of unusual experiences, you are intelligent and you have a memory for detail and a perceptive turn of mind. But your writing slightly misses the mark. You do not grasp the opportunity to really draw your readers in from the beginning.

The same rules apply to writing fiction and nonfiction - start with some action or an interesting event. A memoir doesn't have to be told in chronological order, make us excited first and then we become more interested in the person's backstory. At the moment there's too much initial background information about you and too much detail coming too early. Make me interested in you first.

The first question you should answer in any memoir is why the reader should invest the time and energy into reading your story, what will they get? Intrigue, events, fascination? Put some of those first, as a tease, to get your reader interested, then go into the background of why you were there at that time, what makes you tick and your background. Make us ask the questions before we get the answers.

Hope this is not too critical, and that you understand what I mean. I have found many memoirs on Autho that suffer from a similar problem. But the ones that really work are the ones that capivate interest from the start and tell a human story that we can all identify with or be fascinated by from page one. Show us the magic in your story. Go on! Fascinate us. I'm sure you're capable of it!!
All the best,
5 stars from me.
Sharda.
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Hi Mindy,
Sorry for taking my time with this. I read chapter 1 a while ago but wanted a bit of time to think about it.

I liked the description of the road accident, a great, dramatic opening to the story.

I like the interplay of memory, subconscious, dreams & nightmares, a good strong heady mixture.

Some lovely lines about Kay, “He was the one she poured her heart out to, but he couldn’t find a way to get from being the shoulder she cried on to being arms that held her or heart that was her home.” Lovely writing!

In fact, some great writing throughout especially in Nate's POV, e.g. “the frustration and desire and need were constant”. You write so well about yearning and desire, it’s heart-breaking stuff.

Like the relationship between Thanos and Gerald and the stuff about the temperature of the coffee, great way to establish Thanos’ character. Didn’t entirely understand the bit about Sammael and The Father, but I suppose all will be revealed later.

As always Mindy, you write beautifully. I thought that you could afford to slow the pace just a little, I’d have liked a bit more sense of each place, especially the busy newsroom. With the quick changes of scene that we have, you need to set each scene in just a few sentences, but sometimes I felt this was lacking a little, I found it hard to visualise exactly where I was and the atmosphere of each place. Aside from that, you have a great beginning to a story and some interesting characters. Would be happy to read on, but time is limited for me at the moment. This feels like it could still do with a bit of work, but it's in pretty good shape.

All the best with this,
5 stars from me,
Sharda. view book

Hi Sandy,
thanks for drawing my attention to this, I am always pleased to read your work.

This reads a bit like a first draft, it needs a good spit and polish.
1) Some of the paragraphs feel a bit short, which spoils the flow a little.
2) You have a few cliches that could be removed. I wasn't fond of the paragraph beginning, "Life was hard but the people were strong and stoic..." Seemed a bit of a 'catch all'. I suppose I'd want to feel that from the story, not hear it directly from the author/narrator.
3) There feels to be a lot of backstory pushed into chapter 1. Better to have more action here and then explain later (or not at all). Just let the story unfold and people reveal themselves through their actions/dialogue. Easier said than done.
4) Sometimes your word choice lets you down slightly. I spotted a few 'little's and a few 'big's, these words seem to weigh down the text a bit, when you could have chosen more interesting adjectives.

But there's lots to appreciate. There was some good imagery and I like the idea of the typhoid epidemic etc as the springboard for the novel. It's not easy writing historical fiction, but you've clearly done your research and the story and language feel plausible.

Many thanks for drawing this to my attention.
5 stars from me,
Sharda. view book

One of the best opening chapters I've read on Authonomy. I laughed out loud esp. in the para starting, "Her first appearance in the small..." I think it was 'Saint Vagina' that got me. Had me laughing like a drain.

This is funny, sexy, wry and wicked. Loved it. Probably could do with a slight edit down, but that's about it. Would love to read more, but I should really get back to my own writing. I hope to revisit it soon.
I can see why Whoster recommended it in his thread tonight, you have similar styles and preoccupations!

6 stars from me, and I'll keep it on my WL for a backing if a space becomes available.
All the best,
Sharda.
P.S. No need to return the read, I've got my medal already and the next novel isn't ready yet! view book

Hi Penny,
this has the feel of the stories my six year old brings home from the school library. Which makes me feel you're definitely on the right track!
Niggles? Some of the words might be a little tricky for my son - e.g. dignity, mischievous, intrepid, monumental.

I love all the use of onomatopoeia and the simplicity and excitement of the story. Just wondered whether you cold push the boundaries a little more to make the story really stand out. It's lovely as is, but I feel for this age you may need to be more unique to get it noticed and published. The hamsters should perhaps be even more cheeky and perhaps bring out their different personalities more through the story. Or perhaps they could play/enjoy/use the toys more, even in their escape. Not sure.

I am not an expert though, just my random thoughts.
Six stars from me,
Sharda. view book