tom b recent comments

written 562 days ago
cherry

I thought - here's a sci-fi book in the top five. I'll have a read.

The main problem I have is that it feels like an info-dump, there is too much background story and not enough characterisation.

Have the information come out slowly in the book through character interaction, and I know it's a cliche but read up on show and tell.

But that's my view.
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written 829 days ago
cherry

Brilliant - read up to the end of Chapter 18 and do hope to read more sometime view book

written 832 days ago
cherry

Chapter 12

I woke when I her crying - you've missed out heard.


Really enjoying this view book

written 832 days ago
cherry

Ignore the comment about capitalisation - it is obviously deliberate.

Anyway Ch 4 'very soon need her arm' change this view book

written 832 days ago
cherry

Excellent, I really want to know what is going on and I really like the style. A sort of P&P fantasy book. That is something I would never be able to carry off and you've managed it.

I spotted a few minor things need, I would have hyphenated 'twenty fifth' and probably 'under linen'. Also you've put Unsuitable twice with a capital, is that deliberate?

Other than that very entertaining. Off to read Chapter 3. view book

written 867 days ago
cherry

This is excellent. Just wondering what a bat mitzvah is. Thought it was a typo for a split second.

Just finished reading this and I want to read more.

The one bit that threw me was when Eli was in the shop and mishearing the sales person, I had to re-read to pick up on what was happening. Once I had sussed it out, I liked it, but it took me several rereads to get it.

Brilliant story though and really well written, view book

written 868 days ago
cherry

Phew, this isn't my normal read and it is disturbing, but you can see the insanity in the text. Very well written. view book

written 888 days ago
cherry

I have to stress what Caraid and Stella have already stated, the tense changes make it quite difficult to read and the wrong word choice can be really confusing. The example that sticks out the most is using zip instead of sip I had to reread that but once I understood what you were trying to say, I liked it.

The references to Lady Gaga - In a year she may not be popular and the reference could seem out-dated. Just a warning - don't remove it unless you want to... Actually as it is set in 2020 you could say something like 'reminded Leon of the singer that was popular 10 years ago, what was her name - yes Lady Gogo no Gaga dressed as Jesus' or something like that.

And don't let my (hopefully friendly) disagreement with Stella put you off. view book

written 896 days ago
cherry

Excellent, I like the reference to Jane Eyre.

Quite a few typos, that need tidying up. 'Thrown of England'

Not sure if Cheese-eating Surrender monkeys is genuine 19th Century parlance view book

written 901 days ago
cherry

OK I've finished,

First reaction - oh no!

Second. The prologue doesn't really tie into the actual story that well. What was Eric's plan? It sounded a lot more complicated than it really was.

Good story, though I was expecting something a bit more complicated than it really was.

And who was S? The inclusion of S isn't really needed for the story to work. Ted could just come to the conclusions himself, after all he is quite good at his job.

Anyway food for thought. view book

written 901 days ago
cherry

21: Spelling of Bogeys and bogie view book

written 901 days ago
cherry

Last section of Chapter 20 - changing POV again.

I stress this only change it if you feel it doesn't work. view book

written 901 days ago
cherry

On Chapter 19
3 points

1) Spelling in S's last email - where and were, of course that could be deliberate but if it is then have ted notice it.
2) The instant coffee. It had rained on the island after the murder, so if they were from the time of the murder they would have dissolved, so they were from later on so the murderer had returned?
3) The line about Janet lying about Kate, I'm reading it from Ted's POV so he wouldn't know.
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written 901 days ago
cherry

up to Chapter 14 - A few typos in other chapters (a 4 in shelters) bas instead of bad and some funny use of quotes view book

written 901 days ago
cherry

Off to read the rest of it - got my interest up view book

written 901 days ago
cherry

Chapter 4

Again suggestions – feel free to ignore.

Should it be ‘wanted to see you’ in the first paragraph.

What’s a monster formula? Does it just mean something really successful? – Ah just got it you’re talking about Marooned.

Take out the ‘one by one’.

The paragraph starting, ‘The suits were, surprisingly,’ I think you need something to indicate a major scene shift. (Also I would take out the commas)

Underlining is not a common way of emphasising words.

Chapter 5
Missing word (look) in the sentence about showering.

Could be a difference between US and British English, but I would have said the TV crew ‘were’ as there is more than 1 member of the crew.

I’m not sure what Ted found odd.

Are they not wanting all TV footage seized? That would be the first thing I would do. Oh they are!

Brilliant – end of Chapter

‘Who later told Ted gave the quintessential interview’. That sentence doesn’t read right. I know what you’re trying to do with POV (I think) but still….
I would say something like ‘The first interview Janet …. All the others were similar – or something like that.

I have no idea about how police works in America, but with a murder and one as potentially high-profile as this one, wouldn’t there be more involvement than Ted and Janet?
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written 901 days ago
cherry

There were three things that threw me in ‘Chapter 3’

Firstly, the phrase Ted and Janet Breckenridge. I read this as they were a couple. I know you’ve just introduced Ted but it reads like they’re a couple.

The paragraph that starts ‘Janet entered’, has changing POV, as starting the paragraph with her name indicates it is from her POV, but then it is from Ted’s as she was the sort of girl he had given up on.

Why was there a grass roots counter-movement? (I would have hyphenated grass-roots even though ‘word’ doesn’t like it) I would have thought declaring it a National Wildlife Refuge would be something people wouldn’t complain about.

As I will say about all my comments, get other people’s opinions, before changing things I’m not Jay and don’t claim to be a guru, only comment on how I read things.
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written 917 days ago
cherry

Yes, I agree some of the accents don't work too well. Doon should be doin' and 'bug a sheet', I would have written as 'bag o' shite'

You've missed out some hyphens in pre-match and a missing apostrophe in Academical's brainbox. You could have a joke there about him being the only academical in the team.

Some words you need to get in:
Gobshite
numpty
eejit
outwith

All words that word doesn't recognise.

Other than that a great read (well first chapter anyway) view book

written 961 days ago
cherry

Just read the first two chapters (and the last) and you have a really great concept here. I am guessing that science has become like a religion. This is one of those books I would sit down and read all the way through if I had the time.

A great idea and well-written.

I couldn't spot any typos or any other silly mistakes.

There's no room on my shelf until one of the one up there gets a review, but I will give the book the stars it deserves. view book

written 961 days ago
cherry

I think my bit might have a missing comma view book