hi, Maria. What a tense and nerve-jangling opener you've got here! Half the time I wasn't sure if the man pursuing her was even human. The personification of the wind and mist gave the whole narrative a spooky, almost paranormal atmosphere. it was a huge relief when it turned out at the end of the first chapter that it was the man chasing her who was being caught. but the relief didn't last long, and the action picks up again immediately. You've got some very vivid descriptions and a lot of fast-paced action - a thriller for sure. great job! view book

Juliet Ann, this is wonderful. I really like the two points of view, and it's amazing how the two perspectives fill. Out the character of Flynn. Both of them are crazy about him, but we can see the lies building. Maddie's position is heart-rending, yet not sentimental or maudlin. Rebecca is like able in spite of the fact that (though she denies it) she sets out to steal Flynn from his dying wife.

I did wonder whether you wanted to bring in the fact that the wife is dying quite as early as you do. You tell us, then you tell us how Rebecca finds out. how about having us find out when Rebecca does?

The narrative voices are distinct and both are excellent, smooth-flowing and highly readable. The story carries us along with perfect pace, and despite the sometimes grim subject, it's a spell-binding and even a charming read. Kudos! Will back it as soon as I am on a computer! good luck subbing it!

xo eb view book

Club Agatha

Catherine, this is wonderful! It is as clean and perfect a manuscript as I have seen on Authonomy -- I didn't see a word to change. The episode with the baby is intriguing and engaging, and you left it with just the right amount of lingering question. Now you have introduced a romantic interest between two highly like able characters. All the secondary characters are convincing, and the dialogue never hits a false note. Your long pitch tells me that Jill will shortly become surrounded by suspicion, and I am thoroughly intrigued to read on. Excellent! I happen to have a spot on my shelf -- I think I'll back this one! EB view book

Wow, Kenneth, what a great first chapter! This is not at all my usual fare, but I was spellbound by the fast-paced action, vivid setting, and the sense of urgency as the Japanese officer fought his way to the communication center. Very exciting! I'll definitely read more. It's a wonder this hasn't already made it to the ED. Good luck. EB view book

Club Agatha

What a charming story! I love the two old aunts -- they are perfectly described and, like Bella, I loved them as soon as they smiled.

So many wonderful phrases in this very clean MS... like "Errol Flynn with a dagger between his teeth, moonlight on the high seas…" love that.

A nit in ch 1: …’the one losing their mind’ … should be ‘losing her mind’

Then I love the old house, like an old man asleep in the corner chair and forgotten while everyone goes to dinner. That’s just wonderful, and the house sounds so perfect I can hardly stand it – I want to inherit that house myself!

It's taking a while to get to the mystery part, but it doesn't matter because the family history is so entertaining, the characters so engaging, and the setting so pleasant to be in. I'm out of time after three chapters but will definitely return for more of this one.

EB view book

Hi, Jane. This is a very absorbing read! Time got away from me. The characters are very intriguing -- an aspiring immigrant nurse, a blood-drinking killer who is not a vampire, and then Shade and his family. I'm not sure what's going on, but it is hard not to keep reading. I am looking forward to seeing where it all leads. Good luck with it! EB view book

Club Agatha Round two:

Wonderful range you have, Cas. The scenes between Fred and Becky are so gentle and warm, then we switch to the very stupid Den, trying to blame his friends in his terror, then the nasty little boys and poor Linda... it's a fast and furious read. Dialogue is great and so are all the characters, from the stolid cop to the "six" and everyone in between.

This is a complex and intelligent mystery, and I look forward to reading more of it. I have no idea who this real killer is. Well done. EB view book

Club Agatha Review (ound Two)

Hi, Emma. It's been more than a month since I read chapter one for round one, but as soon as I started I remembered it vividly. The character of Alex is so arresting. I love the way you describe her physically -- she sounds so beautiful and ethereal, and her extreme empathy is such an interesting trait (also well described). I really feel the way the emotions overwhelm her and wash over her, and I can understand how painful it must be for her, when she interacts with people, to be so violently moved by other people's emotions.

The scene with Connor is so well done! I loved the push and pull of it. Then the phone call to her foster mother Sam -- these are very likeable characters, except for Phillip Barron, of course, who is mysterious and a little scary, and Sean, whose relationship with her I don't quite understand.

The only nits I would have are some plurals that have apostrophes that shouldn't be there:
A few low key enquiry’s – enquiries
Names of your parent’s – parents
Thinking of way’s to broach the subject – ways
Alex’s depression’s – Alex’s depressions
etc

But overall, it's a deeply engaging story, full of emotion and intensity and mystery. Very well done! EB


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Abby, your book is really good! I found a few minor things:
In the Prologue: No other life other than our own… I’d take out an “other”
The next chapter is quite exciting. The only suggestion I would make is that the description of how the two men feel (fear and anger) goes on a little longer than it needs to. I’m just talking about a tiny bit of tightening up here. But then the revelations, once they start coming, are very effective, and the way the chapter ends is great, with the one man asking if there is more than one copy and the other man lying.
Ch 3 Truth be told, he chucked to himself – chuckled? Then omigosh! Struck down by lightning! But we know there is another copy out there somewhere. Good hook.
One thing that bothers me a little is the style of talking about “Man” and “Mankind.” As a leftover rabid feminist from the 1970s, I am a stickler for gender-neutral language. We’re humans and people, not (all) men. This is in the first chapter (prologue) and I just hit it again in chapter four: the history of man, which I would call the history of humankind (or something like that)… from “his” earliest past – I’d say our earliest past or the earliest past, because it’s my past, too, and I’m not a man!
Chapter four is very good – I really like your protagonist, love the way you’ve set the scene, and really enjoy the emotional intensity and mood of this whole narrative. This is as far as I can get today, but I will be back.
The only other suggestion I would have would be to tighten up the first three chapters as much as possible so as to get us to your protagonist as fast as possible, because she is what is going to carry your story. She’s a very strong, attractive character. But anyway, you’re off to a great start!
Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man)
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Hi, Sara. I am really enjoying your book! What a strange character Finger Bones is, and Wendy is a delightful protagonist, quite smart for her age, and it is very winsome that she is kind to the old man and doesn't listen to gossip about him.

I have just a couple of tiny nits from chapter 1: “The pain and stiffness from arthritis hurt Mrs. Tayor’s hands to hold the heavier books to place on the shelves.” This is a rather awkward sentence! I'm not sure how to reword, but I think it neds something.

Look for the word “bindle” (should be bundle)

Other than that, it's an entertaining read with a good hook: I want to read on to find out what the evil is that is lurking in Bridgeville.

Good luck! I see this book is doing very well.

Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man) view book

What evil people! This is a very grim situation, but the two children face it with such goodness. It is impossible not be be totally invested, after only a couple of chapters, in their eventual escape or rescue. Excellent beginning to the story! It is richly imagined and told with great feeling. The suspense, when the poor things creep past the parents' door, is very skilfully built. I am eager to read on, mainly to see Bobby and Lily escape and the parents punished! Very enjoyable read so far.

Elizabeth (The Made-Up Man) view book

Jacqueline, this is very impressive! I am holding my breath as Zeke pushes the door without knocking! Your characters, all well drawn, all evoke strong feelings -- sympathy with Betsy (except I am so worried about what's going to happen), admiration for Zeke (but again I'm worried that this man is too proud and that he will be struck down by his "owners"). Gloria is positively sinister, and James, being a lesser man and maybe also cowardly, strikes me as dangerous. It's the father that I haven't got the measure of yet. In some ways he seems okay, but he is bound by his belief in a slave system.

Anyway, you have the gift of creating a vibrant story, for sure. Conflict, emotion, suspense -- you've built it all very quickly and surely. I am not only anxious to now what will happen to Zeke and Betsy -- I also want to know what James did in the prologue.

Excellent story, high stars and watch list. Best of luck with this, and I will read more.

Elizabeth Buhmann, The Made-Up Man view book

What a remarkable story. Is it fiction or memoir? Whichever, it is so unflinchingly honest that it is almost unbearable -- but at the same time, it is wry and captivating -- in sum, totally compelling and utterly convincing. It is beautifully written, in a quiet, matter-of-fact style that makes the powerful emotions all the more effective. I'll read more, but I wanted to let you know how much I admire your work so far. EB view book

Club Agatha Review

Wow, what a good opening chapter. This seems very original to me --- starting from the POV of someone dying like that. I'm sure it's been done by somebody, but it's unusual and arresting. The chapter is a very good length, too. Honestly, I was just glancing to see if I'd read this one or not, intending to do it later, but I just didn't stop reading.

The only suggestion I have it to decide whether the fox is a "he" or an "it" -- you could do either. I'm not sure which would be better. But as it is, you do both and mix them up, sometimes even in the same sentence. It would be better to do it one way or the other. Not a big deal!

Very good chapter, EB view book

Club Agatha Review

A classic opener for a mystery: the discovery of the body, well placed at the very end of the chapter. The setting is wonderful -- I feel as though I have just walked the beach in the fresh air. Love the dogs. Punctuaton is pretty random. Paragraph breaks and a separation of dialogue from narrative would make it easier to read. It is a little over wordy, in my opinion, but it's a good story, off to a good start, and promises to be an excellent mystery. view book

Club Agatha review

The prologue is gripping, of course. Is this all one chapter?

The setting is lovely, the description rich (but there is an awful lot of it -- it becomes almost dense in places).

It is an interesting concept -- the old woman looking back on her life -- and the LP and prologue promise plenty of drama. Without the pitch and prologue, I'm not sure what this is about or where it's going, for all its literary charm. The sleepy village, the children's idyllic lives -- then the weird old man? Then a shimmering other-worldly ball? From a Club Agatha perspective, I would have to say that this is not a mystery -- I mean just that, for all its merits, it does not fall within the genre, in my opinion. Not to say it isn't good! Just not a mystery. view book

Hi, Olga. Club Agatha Review

I think this is a very good start for a mystery. The opening part is very menacing in view of the LP, which says that Stephani lost her husband and son. I wonder though -- tampering with brakes creates danger, but do you want to rely on the LP to set it up as a history of murder? I always feel the book should stand without the pitch. You might want to consider carrying the prologue a step further and heading the car toward a cliff (or whatever) and having the man pumping the useless brakes. Then the prologue itself, with or without the pitch, tells us there's been a murder.

Then I love the whole thing of the photos. To me, that is extremely scary and threatening. Definitely sets up a good mystery - who took them, what is he up to (and the part where he calls her -- or her niece? -- princess is very creepy).

There's a garbled sentence: Want to check you still want I should set the for 38 hours... huh?

Finally, maybe it's just me, but the dialogue in places does not sound very American. I found myself checking where the story was set, checking names, and trying to figure out wher the characters were from. The phrases I was picking up on were:

I could do with a coffee -- an American would say I could use a coffee
Should be buying as there are bargains now -- ought to be buying because?
Wanted it sorted and sorted now -- wanted to get to the bottom of it? -- we don't say sorted. Sorted out, maybe, but not in this context.
Tried to get on with work – back to work
Binned the rubber gloves -- tossed

Finally a typo: When the cops arrives

But the story is good! An excellent launching point. Plenty of danger and mystery.

EB view book

Club Agatha Review

Hi. I like the Midnight Cowboy atmosphere of your book. You've got some good drama and suspense playing out as Jace and Raymond get the idea to give Megyn some attention. You've also hinted at some larger problem that is eating at Hank -- I'm curious to know what it is.

You paint a vivid picture of the seedy city at night, the lonely train station, and the polluted air, so it's effective writing. I do think it could benefit from editing, however. For me, there are way too many sentence fragments. It's not that you can't have sentence fragments, but they should serve a purpose. These fragments, to me, just seem like sentences that weren't carefully formed or haven't been carefully edited. JMO! You still have a good start on a mystery. view book

Club Agatha review:

I commented on your book about a month ago and remember it quite well (backed it, too), but not so much as a mystery. The lines at the top definitely suggest a murder, though not necessarily the solving of it, and from the LP, it will end up being about a murder. But the first chapter is not what you expect in the genre. Nothing wrong with that -- For me the appeal of the story is more to do with the character and the times. For that,it's great. Cheers! EB view book

Club Agatha review:

I was mesmerized by this character's voice. The story so far is dark, violent and very convincing, in spite of the extreme kind of life this guy lives. Is anybody quite like this? You're making me believe it. And you've pulled off a sympathetic character, while making it pretty clear that he is filthy, drugged out, and is likely to casually kill anyone who threatens, annoys or cheats him. I suppose you've achieved it by by making everybody else indifferent to the assault, while he can't stop himself from intervening. And he wants to be thanked!

I saw a few things on the level of words:
clean film-like stickiness - I couldn't picture a sticky film being clean
smothering their cell’s – no apostrophe
can’t stand the site of me – sight
[then I got so caught up in the story that I stopped noticing nits]
the fat girls handbag -- girl's (but by now typos seem pretty trivial)
she wont be able -- won't

From the Agatha standpoint: I have to read the LP to know there's a mystery in the offing. I think you'd do well, when dropping hints about his job, to also lay in some clues about where the story is going.

But seriously, this is as jaw-dropping a character and action sequence as I've seen while doing these reviews. Very, very good. view book