I totally appreciate the insights. Keep reading at your own leisure.

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Utterly charming, compelling and absorbing, as I expected it to be.

You know what I'm going to say next, don't you?

...Where's the rest of it?

I'm working on it! ;) I can't write it, type it, and upload it fast enough! Going away for a week. Expect at least 10 new chapters by May 18th! view book

I'm just beginning to get into the story. One thing that strikes me right away is the overuse of exclamation marks. The baby's whole experience is an "!", so none of these are needed. [I stopped counting at 125 occurences in the first chapter alone...] They actually jar me out of the narrative at each instance. Consider removing every one of them. [Yep, every single one.] I believe it will add to the tongue-in-cheek, humorous nature of the piece and allow the reader to flow and decide which statements hold more weight. As-is, it feels forced. You'll thank me for it. ;)

More comments to follow.

~Master Bowman Lucas
}}}-------->
http://www.authonomy.com/books/43469/freeborn/ view book

Your pitch is intriguing

I'm gonna feast on what Freeborn has on offer

Munch away! My off-Authonomy betas are digging on it hard! Enjoy. view book

Thanks for the feedback, Kate.
I've had two betas look over the first seven chapters, and a lot of their suggestions matched yours.

The editing has already begun! New versions will be up by Tuesday. view book

Interesting premiss, and very good opening chapter, but it falls down on one very basic fact: men can't get pregnant, and your premiss says these are natural babies. Unless the doctors have been lying and all the clones they've been making are now hermaphrodites, then male pregnancy is impossible. As a reader I need to believe that what I'm reading is possible - even if it's fiction/fantasy/sf - so how, in your novel, are men getting pregnant?

My question would be: How far did you read? One chapter. Takes a little more investment than that to get to the Tootise Roll center of any story. ;) view book

I really enjoyed reading the opening chapterof FREEBORN. The Infection is a great idea, I'm intrigued. I'm interested in the symptoms of the Infection though - you wrote "Her symptoms increased with every passing day." I wonder what they are. On the whole, well done and six-star rated.

Ivan
Diary of the Gone

I appreciate it, Ivan. Glad it left you with some questions you want the answers to. ;) view book

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what.

"My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!"
-Fear not! The pacing follows the urgency of Katia's infection. The farther she gets, the more rapid her own pains--and thus the pain of the characters--becomes..

"besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what."
-Ahhhhh, I do not disagree. A clone might. At first... view book

EXCERPT READ: Chapters 1, 2 & part of 3

PACING: Leisurely. Could use a little speed up to keep things clicking. Hopefully that happens soon? Chapter three perhaps? Definitely shouldn’t be slowed down any more. It’s about at the minimum speed required.

VOICE: Clear throughout. Your authorial voice is finely crafted—just enough analogy to add flavor to the narrative without getting too flowery. One thing I noticed: it might be possible to remove some of the play-by-play actions you detail. (e.g. Just have her furiously scrub the shirt. We don’t need each step. Same with the cooking scene.) This would also help with the pacing.

CONTENTS: Unanswered questions are blooming. That’s good. It plants that temptation to keep reading. I’m a sucker for a little action. Two chapters in, there has been some minor bleeding, dry-heaving, a mild spat between lovers, and understated chicken-hacking. Not edge-of-your-seat kind of stuff. :) With your writing skills, I believe you could easily amp up each of these elements to give them more !ummph! Suggestion: Infuse some raw imagery and emotion to jolt the reader. This will crank the opening chapters up a notch or two.

MECHANICS: Commas, dashes and conjunctions are used in nearly every sentence. Breaking these up and breaking out all the independent clause would (I know…I keep harping on it…) increase the pace. A few past vs present tense issues. A couple typos – misplaced & missing words – that will easily be picked up in an edit.

Hone it. Pick up the pace. Infuse some action & emotion. You’ve got a story worth telling (and reading).

~Master Bowman Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/
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**************** 3/8 - 3/15/12 - NEW & IMPROVED versions of ALL Chapters! *********************

It features:
- [Hopefully] a better hook!
- Previously lacking explanations/definitions for those pesky Cap-centric terms
- Better descriptions to help acclimate the reader to Capritare's amazing world

If I have succeeded, it provides all these new bonus features without unnecessary info-dumps! ;)

::: For my returning readers, please let me know what you think of the changes.
::: For first-time readers, trust me--it's a good thing you waited!

~Lucas view book

I read chapter 1.

Phrases I loved:
- “…as if naming the kill in advance.”
- “Making his way through the mayhem like a phantom in a crowded cemetery…”
- “…scattering odd shades of gray among the dust-covered ruins.” I instantly knew this was showing his color-blindness. Excellent way to present it.
- “…the man halved an angel statue as he passed.” Great image.
- “ ‘…oh faithful vulture? You have no pickings here.’ “ What an amazing line!

PACING:
Overall, there are some extraneous phrases which can be cut to speed up the pace. There are descriptors and qualifiers that slow the text down. Examples: Telling about every step, turn of the head, opening door. The overuse of adverbs. By boiling it down to the critical actions, the pace can be streamlined, tightened

A good editorial challenge is to take a passage, save it as a new document, then try to cut the word count down by 25%. This forces a writer to whittle the narrative to the essentials, excising the unnecessary phrases & descriptions, while keeping the voice intact. Let that file rest for a few days, then go back and evaluate which version is better. I use this process and am amazed at how much better the second version is. It might be worth a try…

VOICE:
Your unique voice can be heard behind the static of the description. Cleaning away some of the underbrush will help it shine through even brighter. It deserves to come to the forefront.

Valerie~
I see the genesis of a good story here. I know you have been writing & editing away. Good job! Keep it up!

The true action/tension begins in the cathedral. It sets up the main conflict and stakes for the MC, and provides the reader with the hook of what the storyline is going to be about. Have you considered kicking off the novel with this scene? I would also suggest providing more of a hook at the end of Chapter 1. The current ending kind of fades away.

[I’ll message you with some further content feedback.]

Keeping honing this thing! You have a great tale to tell.

~Master Bowman }}}----->
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/
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Wow, Sam!

Chapter 1:
Great initial setup: a concrete setting, glimpses into the MC’s spunky nature, an early hook to want to discover what she is running/hiding from. The action and visuals of the chase scene in the forest are tight. Great page-turning hook at the end of the chapter.

Chapter 2:
Izla’s disconnection from the experience of the inevitable binding works well. Her thoughts & resistance to it feel real, lifelike. You express the stakes very succinctly in just a few beautiful words. Excellent intro to the first sign of the curse with the involuntary touching & especially the “…leather and pine…” line. Love the “…male hellersbird in the mating season…” reference—very fitting to the scene! Great analogy with Ryan “binding” her ankle. Perfect. Once again, a page-turning ending to the chapter.

Chapter 3:
You handle the recurring temptations that the Binding brings like an expert. Each instance shows us Eliza’s involuntary reaction—and her struggle with it—without becoming repetitious. Great story device: using Eliza’s close, personal experience with Fiona’s unintended Binding to further show why Eliza detests the idea.
With the elements of the moon, the Goddess, and the monthly threat of the binding, I see a possible analogy to the fertility cycle? If so, good thinking. If unintentional, good job for letting the unconscious concept play out. ;)

Sam~
Your narrative is taut, your pacing is perfect, your descriptions are spot-on, and you have done an outstanding job of fleshing out Eliza. Honestly, I have no recommendations on how to improve the story through Chapter three. I am posting these initial thoughts for now. I will be back to read more & will add to this comment as I go.

Outstanding job! [Seriously.]

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/
view book

Overall impression: outstanding! The action sequence in the Prologue is believable and filled with the right amount of tension. Your writing is descriptive and you easily create the visuals to accompany the narrative. The characterization and rhythm are well-done! The characters seem full, three-dimensional. The pace moves steadily along and keeps the eye (and mind) moving.

Honestly, this is one of the better written works I have read here on Authonomy. The story is unfolding nicely, and your word choices are eloquent, yet readable.

Prologue:
Outstanding! In my opinion, everything a Prologue should be: gripping, tense, introducing the characters, setting the scene. Good job. You definitely have a few great hooks here. Why are they fleeing? Who is chasing them? Are they protecting their child just because of parental instinct, or is there much more to it than that...?

Chapter 1:
We quickly get a feel for Chloe and her life. Her physical description is well-done, and her relationships with both her mother and daughter are succinctly shown in a minimal amount of words. Once again, excellent.

David~ I am posting these initial thoughts (and a six-star rating!) for now. I will be back to read more & will edit this comment further. There are a few “technical” suggestions I’ll send via a private message.

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/
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@jsault2003

Yay! A negative review...lol.

I appreciate what you are saying, but majority [and my gut] rules. :)
The reader gets to learn many of these things just as the characters do. The characters do have a little leg-up since they are living the experience, but we have to let it all unravel as they journey. ;)

Thanks for taking the time to comment.
[And I'm sure your comments had nothing to do with the less-than-glowing review I did for your novel a few days ago...] ;) view book

@Helianthus

Thank you, especially for the feedback on the dialogue.

You received the simplified colloquialism as I intended it. It is one of the 5 different "styles" I set out ot employ in the novel:

1) A lilting, poetic prose holding the narrative together
2) A more immediate, descriptive treatment of the Choosing scenes
3) A simple, everyday bard-meets-myth voice in the Tellings
4) A punctuated, carnal, primitive/tribal feel used to recount the Flourishes
5) With all this balanced with a down-to-earth, relatable, accesible form of dialogue view book

As part of the Alliance of World Builders, I’m sure you want solid feedback. Here goes!

I read through Chapter 2. It took me awhile to get used to all the tense changes: present, past, and back again. Once I adjusted to that aspect, the story became quite readable. It feels OK, but I’m a fan of a common tense.

The pace seems pretty leisurely in places. I believe this is due to the amount of backstory included, and the development of the dad/daughter relationship. It might be possible to unfold these as the story progresses? Also, it would be great to let the relationship “show” itself as opposed to having the MC telling the reader via her reflections.

Here are specifics on Content & Mechanics.

CONTENT
- Prologue: “Smelt”? Perhaps “smelled”? (Maybe it is a Brit thing, like “leant”.)
- Love the line: “There wasn’t that much life to it…”
- The seatbelt confused me. He’s putting it on HER, but she snatched it off HIM? ? ?
- “The car accelerated away…” The “away” bothers me. Perhaps: “The car lurched forward/took off”?
- “He turned towards me, but his face WAS hidden by the shadows.” Or “He turned towards me, his face hidden by shadows.”
- The “Abruptly..crash…” sentence is foggy. Could use a rewrite.
- “Reluctantly(,) I dragged…” When a transitional word or phrase begins a sentence, it is usually st off from the rest of the sentence with a comma.
- Is “focussed” the Brit spelling of “focused”?
- I was confused with the setting between the Prologue & Chap 1. [maybe I shouldn’t have been, since it IS a prologue…] I assumed that the italicized sequence in Chap 1 was the result of reading the email. As such, I expected Leah to wake up by the tree, but she was in her room…
- I don’t understand what this phrase is trying to say: “…all over the sixth form common room walls.”
- Should be: “nineteen-year-old” (with the hyphens)
- There are quite a bit of adverbs—which usually bother me—but you employed them very well. I did notice a few sentences that had three adverbs within them. Those sentences could use some refining.

MECHANICS
- There are punctuation & capitalization issues in some of the dialogue.
- Should be: "nineteen-year-old" (With the hyphens)

I hope this feedback is helpful in honing your mss. I can sense that the story is heading somewhere. I want to get to that point. I’ll revisit soon and keep reading.

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/
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D.S.~

I read through Chapter 2. Your voice is amazing—easily readable with just enough description and imagery. The pace is perfect. The editing is tight. If the rest of the story is this balanced, then you’re ready to publish this very publishable book!

Finding no major issues, the following details are specifics on Content & Mechanical things that I noticed. Once again, the novel is outstanding. These are simply screws that can easily be tightened even further.

CONTENT
- Nintendo? I’m not sure what year your novel is set in, but if you ask teens what game systems they currently own… [Never mind…I read to the end of the chapter…lol]
- Can you “smash” a button? Sounds like permanent destruction! Lol Perhaps pressed, pushed or squeezed would work better?
- Recurring words keep popping out to my editorial eye. “pushed BACK” and “threw BACK” in consecutive paragraphs. The same thing with “ever SINCE” and “everyday SINCE”.
- “Mom sat at the kitchen table and listened with shiny eyes.” Eyes with ears? :) Perhaps revise to: “Mom sat at the kitchen table and listened with a gleam in her eyes.” Or, another version that makes it clear that it's Mom's eyes that are shiny, not her ears.
- I didn’t find a reason in the text for Jessup NOT wanting to stay with his Mom. It is clear why he doesn’t want to stay with Dad/Denise. Trapped with Mom’s unhappiness? No meatloaf? It feels like we need something a little heavier.
- I like how you italicized “szhnphz”. (Great word by the way!) have you considered italicizing “buzz-ut-huhs”?
- Are Professor Strunk’s shoulders “bulging against the four sides”? Maybe the two sides, or his shoulders and chest bulging at all four?
- Should Prof address Jessup by name during his initial plea for help? This would play into the voice recognition.
- Word repetition in one paragraph: “I WORKED for Professor…” and “Since I started WORKING for him, he’d been WORKING…”
- “Fold up like an accordion…” Perhaps: “COMPRESS like accordion billows”?
- The “maggots” line may present better without the jumping-bean analogy.
- Outstanding page-turner endings for both Chap 1 & 2.

MECHANICS
- These terms should be hyphenated: “burned-out”, “grown-up”, “rusty-colored” (maybe “rust-colored” instead?), “wood-grain”. [Generally, hyphenate between two or more adjectives when they come before a noun and act as a single idea.]
- Unnecessary comma: “…fall over the fence, and crush the cactus…”
- In the axe scene, the subject verb in two consecutive sentences makes it sound like Jessup is shouldering the banana peel. Lol. Check it out. You’ll see what I mean.

Outstanding work. I am quite impressed. Highly-starred!

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/
view book

Will~

Here's your handy-dandy critique as promised. Let me begin by saying that this is definitely not my normal read! Not that it's abnormal, but, then again--maybe it is. :) It's difficult for me to comment on the "big picture" of your work because of this disparity, but I have managed to put together some feedback for you.

CONTENTS
- Para 1, Sentence 4: This sentence is bursting at the seams. Can it be split?
- Para 2: I’m not sure the parenthetical bit works here. Maybe Fungus deserves his own by-line like the others?
- When introducing Gormless Golem, it might help to include an “a.k.a. GG”. He is referred to as GG after that point, but I had to scroll up and research to see who “GG” was.
- I was confused with the sentence: “On Anglesey, the ever-watchful, unsleeping eyes of the UK Air Defence System stroked his…” At first, I thought you were talking about the technology’s eyes, but then that technology suddenly grew a moustache…
- The first two sentences of the Anglesey paragraph should be reworked. Combine them, then split with a period where you currently have a comma.
- “Should BE visual on target…” or “Should HAVE visual on target…”?
- “…yelled Boris, who was still lying half out of The Sleigh.” “Lying” doesn’t fit. How about “hanging”, “dangling”?
- “I’ve already lost a bit…” should be “I already lost a bit…”
- I’m not sure who this is referring to: “…possibly they were too nervous to stop and be identified.”
- “…non relative time banding zone..” I don’t understand what this is trying to say… It may need hyphens somewhere, but I'm just not sure.
- Should be: “Two more numbers and the crowd WAS dancing.”
- Should be: “What? IN full view of the customers?”
- Maybe “…for the hospitality room had indeed been well-stocked” should be in parentheses to set it off from the preceding text.

MECHANICS
- There are many punctuation issues related to the dialogue (which I believe you are already aware.)
- The use of single quotes (‘) denoting missing letters/slang in the dialogue is way distracting. I prefer the way you just wrote the truncated words in the Sleigh scene—sans the single quotes.
- There are missing hyphens in these words: “tax-deductible”, “high-level”, “mid-flight”, “well-stocked”, “medium-sized”, “middle-aged”,
- Song titles should be included in double quotes (single quotes if within a line of dialogue) and each word of the title should be capitalized. E.g. Boris was dancing to “Shaking All Over” with an aristocratic Edern lady.
- Interesting note: The correct formatting for the names of aircraft is italics. I’m not sure if this applies to The Sleigh or not… :]

I hope these suggestions help you polish "The Vampire Mechanic". Publishing in Fall 2012, right?

~Lucas view book

Initial thoughts:

While some commenters offer platitudes, I want to make 100% honest comments that will help you hone your manuscript.

Overall, the mechanics of this story are correct. The punctuation & grammar are pretty spot-on. So, I don't have any feedback on that aspect. Now, when it comes to content...

The whole reads more like a screenplay than a novel. There is way too much "telling", and hardly any "showing". There are many extraneous details included, yet I can't get a feel for even one of the characters. They really need to be rounded out--made whole. As it is, they seem 2-dimensional at best.

Hopefully, you will receive this as an honest opinion from one fellow author to another. If others have pointed out a similar disconnect, then maybe we're on to something... If so, now comes the hard part--a massive rewrite to amp up the visuals, flesh out the characters, and weed out the distractions.

Editing time!

~Lucas
http://www.authonomy.com/books/41102/capritare-the-cycles-begin/ view book

Initial thoughts:

Right away, we are dropped into the action. Great unfolding of a hint of backstory in the midst of that action.

Prologue
- "Standing still meant death..." I originally read "still" as a time reference, not the act of remaining motionless. I had to re-read the sentence to sort it out.
- A tighter reworking of this sentence will created a punchier pace befitting of the moment in the narrative. "Dahlia stumbled over roots which gripped the earth like claws. Brambles slashed at her cloak." Removing the adjectives here will quicken those lines.
- Should the "fiery red eyes" fixate, or fix? Also, shoud they fix(ate) on "his" prey, or on "their" prey?
- The last three lines are bothersome. The "steel bear trap" feels forced. The last two lines are sprinkled with a little too much telling. A quick refinement can flip them to showing. "The pain was excruciating, but swift. A wet gargle took the place of her scream. The shadows of the forest melted into a common blackness."

Chap 1
- There is a hefty amount of adverbs (9 or so) that could be culled.
- The interjection of the "...town's building crew..." line is unnecessary & gets in the way, I think.
- "He had loved her more than anything, but not anymore." This two halves of this sentence are awkward together. Consider rewriting to clarify.

Overall, a well-written story. Highly starred. I'll be back for more!

~Lucas view book