Hi JC-

Just finished three chapters and very much enjoyed it. Goes down smooth. You either perform very good research, have a very good memory, or never grew up (in the best possible way). I say this, because from my perspective, the insider knowledge of raves, Amsterdam, drug use, etc, is very convincing.

You've got a promising recipe for total chaos here (only a hint of which is witnessed in the opening chapter). I'll surely continue reading. High stars.

One question--why "Discoredia" and not "Discordia"? Is that explained? Is the word not insinuating "discord"?

Some observations:

ch1
strong voice from the start
by 4/5 paragraph I want to experience more of the night with him, rather than hear about it
you capture the essence of being "high" well (the feeling that nothing else matters)
nice disorientation
I like him touching her Nike--that's a curious, stick-with-you moment
quite a violent turn of events
I'm not one for overuse of excalmations, but call for security seems to warrant it
good confusion in the fight
eyeball riding up his finger is disgusting but feels 100% authentic
ch2
thought some of the summary of the previous night (although very interesting/intriguing) could have been communicated in dialogue
w/out actual interaction between the characters, there's little opportunity to get a feel for the diff personalities; still good though and willing to read on
"they also noticed"--weird to speak for multiple POV's at once; maybe just: "Two uniformed officers stood by the door."
ch3
town didn't ask Warren to take down the "castle" between events? seems like an eyesore
"no probs" seems too casual to addrress an older employer, despite their fondness/familiarity
"chess" is capitalized?
"'bout 10 yeah"--can spell out small numbers
switching between POV's in the same scene--interesting and risky
really like pensive Warren scene studying chess piece, very well done
"p.c" screen missing 2nd period, but better just as PC
"by it's side" no apostrophe
interesting twist with Warren's loss of love
Warren seems to be committing suicide by bankruptcy

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Hi Phil-

Thanks for the invite to read your book. I believe you have a nice, gripping, and almost cinematic start to your story with the prologue.

Without reading further, I can't know, but I do wonder what's held back the powerful Biehl for so long, in tracking down the Demon Pendant. Especially since Alexandra has stayed so local it seems (walking distance from where her mother was killed).

I very much enjoyed your level of detail, your descriptions, and the array of characters so far. The possible reuning of Matt and Alexandra is promising, and the tension is heightened further by what is set to be some true challenges ahead. Your book appears to offer young adults some true escapism and adventure.

Some observations:

prologue:
good tension from the get-go
the pendant "off rhythm" with her heartbeat--good
I would think a hound would have overcome the mother in seconds (even a normal one, let alone a supernatural one)
vice = vise?
ch1:
the writing is typically smooth, so this phrase: "so that his face was hidden" struck me as awkwardly worded
Maybe: "enormous hands cradled his head, hiding his face behind bloated, furry knuckles." ?
several chars introduced at once in ch1--hard for me to keep track (5 or 6)?
I like that "which in white" appears differently to each man (harder to track and share stories)
ch2:
I like that he was spared by the witch, temporarily
ch3:
the paragraph starting with "She left the Vale eight...": sudden use of they and then he is confusing
Matt and Alexandra have spent 8 years apart, longing for each other--how far are they? just a few miles? (walking distance anyway)
I like the statues indiscernible features, graded by the weather (too bad the real Hound hasn't worn down)
Father's advice and quotes are sound and believable (regarding preparation, learning, etc.)
why Biel is so confounded in locating Alexandra? (over quite a number of years) view book

Hi KJ-

Very much enjoyed reading this. Your nice ranking and high stars are self-evident. I read the first four chapters, but I have hope that Roman is headed for a revelation. He is a difficult person, of course, to like immediately. He's very self-involved and the reader can understand how people around Roman are quickly losing incentive to be around him.

So you have quite a challenge to make his eventual redemption credible and believable--but what a feat it'll be. Not only that, but you've set yourself further challenges for setting the book in an alternate world, and one with clear signs of civil unrest. How that applies to the story will also be interesting to learn.

You have a strong, confident writing style, and the metaphysical bent shows you as a thoughtful author hoping to also fashion a bit of philosophy along with a good story.

Some observations:

ch1:
"prism of my melancholia"--could be stronger to let the reader sense it instead of just saying it
"her grasp as constricting as her concern" good
a challenge to have an MC one would not like at first
Nicklaus--good suspense--I like your holding back here
ch2:
Damn, who is Nicklaus? (thought a dog at first, left in the car) :)
"the space between us on the bed symbolic"--I can sense this, without being told directly
Roman's a bit of a baby--
I like Roman's escape into the desert (reminds me of Updike's "Rabbit, Run")
"outline of the person I used to know" very good
only redeemable quality in Roman so far is his loyalty to father
ch3:
Reader can't wait for a self-actualizing moment with Roman
You convey character emotions very clearly
Possibly need paragraph breaks between different characters: "Yes. Is that so strange?" (here) I let it go
Roman is aware of his selfishness at least
I really like the repeat of "You always say that"
Also like the change of pattern for Sol
This is a sign of good writing--in one sentence demonstrating a character's typical pattern and immediately breaking it, all at once
very polished manuscript so far
The story picks up pace/interest with appearance of father
ch4:
Not really sure what Roman does for work--should we? just a biz title or something? (maybe I missed this)
Ah, Nicklaus is a bodyguard of Kristin, got it
Good accounting of father/son closeness through shared love of astronomy
Would Roman really want to go on a trip and not stay local to where he's reconnected with his father's ghost?
Seems there's a touch of Hamlet to this story?
Desert dwelling phenomenon interesting (I like that when Roman was out there earlier, he had felt watched) view book

Hi Terry-

Thanks for giving me the opportunity to read "Welcome to Weatheroaks".

By the end of chapter 2, I can see the story is beginning to pick-up its pace. I think you do a nice job of conveying Neeve's emotional turmoil throughout the difficult decision of branching off from one's family and forging a new life. Chapter 1 was indeed a bit slow for me, but when Neeve finally steps off that bus, I could share in that inner buzz of excitement she feels at her life's new beginning.

So far, at two chapters in, the book feels more like the pilot to a television series--the set up that lends itself to an episodic treatment. I wasn't too aware of any one impending crisis, so wasn't sure what to genuinely look forward to--except the delight of watching through Neeve's eye what she will see around the next corner, as she explores a new hometown and meets new friends.

Some observations:
ch1:
- reads awkwardly: "I focused on her on her face"
- Neeve spends a good deal of time defending her choice to change her life--can you relay to the reader her sudden epiphany to make such a radical change? Might be easier to root for her in these defensive exchanges with her family
- "What else would you do" missing a quotation mark
ch2:
- defiantly = definitely?
- again, genuine excitement when she steps off the bus
- kerbs = curbs ?
- reads awkwardly: "the restaurant was sandwiched between a corner between" with repeat of "between"
- "dim lightening" = "dim lighting"
- "That's a scene" is missing a period
- "I'm Dominic" font changes suddenly?
- "homelier" meant "homier" maybe?
- "I nodded" missing period

Thanks again.

http://authonomy.com/books/41032/the-human-black-box-project-/
http://authonomy.com/books/44421/dirt/

Collin view book

Just finished the first two chapters of "Einstein's Road Trip".

I think you've nearly cornered the market on quirky characters.

It did not take very long for Gilles to appeal to this reader. I like his' penchant for counting, numbers, and his close observations of the world. At first, I wasn't sure if I would like him at all, but by the end of the first chapter, I turned, and there he was, right by my elbow, quietly smiling. Something about him sticks with me, and he became more and more likable by each chapter. My interest, despite my expectations, grew.

You also have a real talent for conveying backstory in an enjoyable way. Each was an insight into Gilles, instead of a distraction to the story.

I also found myself forgetting he was an absolute nutcase, and when I was reminded of his delusions, was surprised and pleased each time.

Nice work.

Some observations:
- I could be wrong, but I thought bunk beds were always bunked on top of each other, one scene in chapter 1 treats them as if they're side by side (one character turns his face to address the other)
- walky-talky is more commonly walkie-talkie
- the sentence beginning with "He was as carefree" should be broken-up
- first chapter mentions "thirty years ago" twice
- chapter 2 has a jarring combination of words: "pries my prized"
- wasn't sure a car door would necessarily slam shut going in reverse

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Hi Jo Lynn-

I think this is a finely executed piece. You handle the strain of conveying so much historical fact into your story without seeming to do so--no mean feat. I think for the history buff, they'll like revel in your ability to bring this all-important event alive again.

Your main character has a clear and present "voice", which I'm sure has connected with several of the readers here. You also have demonstrated a good bit of cleverness in what seems to be at first an unreliable narrator, but is instead just an unreliable father ("Da") :)

Some observations:

Ch1:
- the sentence that begins "Taller than me..." attributes big ears and red hair to the "day" by accident
- like I mentioned above, I thoroughly enjoyed the playfulness of the narrative--showing Da's version of events versus reality
Ch2:
- "wooden turnstiles"--I'm not sure why someone contemporary to that time would observe this
- speaking directly about uniform length--that seems a bit forcefully inserted too (as historical fact)
- loved "stepping through the middle of a rainbow" analogy
- use of "hisself" threw me a bit. Is this deliberate colloquialism? If so, I didn't see anything else in her vocabulary that would be consistent with the same
- "the heat happens because" phrasing was off to me
ch3
- a quick one, and good--the lead up to the shooting by treating the little girl is very smart (if not also historically accurate, I don't know)

Collin view book

Hi Cas-

Thanks for the opportunity to read. You start off with a nicely gripping and intriguing introduction with the tape player (feels like an aftermath scene, starting from the backside of a story's full circle). You're a very visual writer, which serves you well. Very often poetic in your descriptions.

I do think your poeticism hits a snag on occasion, as in the paragraph that starts "The Six scored their lumps of resin ..." The lyricism of this all can obscure real action, where clarity is most preferred.

This is gritty, grainy, nasty material. You've ripped up some stitches and pulled up the fleshy underlining of humanity, and the view is gruesome. Admittedly hard to stomach at once. There isn't a lot of beauty here--finding a redeeming quality in the characters is difficult so far (which I like to find when I read). But if this is one's cup of tea, you deliver this in a very concentrated form.

I find your style to be very confident and relaxed.

My interest piqued most when the old man and his diary are introduced to us. Wish he could be presented earlier. I do like that you hold back the precious contents of his diary for a while. Adds tension.

Questions/Issues:
slight confusion over "The Sixth" and the "The Six"--coincidence?
quite an aside into Fred's Saudi engagement--strays off the main action for a while
I found the POV whirling around a bit aggresively, but probably okay.

Punctuation/Other:
"Me mates is in already" missing end quote
"Just for a jar or two" missing a period.
"fretwork" used twice in chapter 1 (I only noticed this because I liked the first use of it)

Like:
"scalding liquid rippling into bone china"
the ambient noises of the city in the background of the tape recording
"fairy light arches full circles in the water"
"toothpasty trails"
"heels like castanets"
the holding back of what's in the diary
excellent dialogue
"about to die"--it's nice when a reader can enjoy a narrator's omniscience :)
"human clamor that shimmered in the mirages"
good fight scene action; nice confusion on Fred's part when he's assaulted
I am very interested to learn of the old man's motivation to stir up "The Six" like this

Again, if this is in one' s taste, this is a treasure trove of quality writing. High stars. view book

Sharda, I'm so glad I took the time to read through your first three chapters. You are clearly a careful, thoughtful, nuanced writer. Your writing exudes authority and confidence, and that produces a story that's extremely easy on the eyes.

What an enviable, gripping start. Right away, and throughout my read, I was constantly reminded of John Irving. You and he share similar styles: very likable and quirky characters, unique settings, and the feel of an epic-scale story--having the potential to span several decades or even a lifetime (in an enjoyable way).

I very much like your phrasing and imagery:
- "sharp shadow on canvas"--excellent, slightly random image one might store away in a panicked moment before death
- "firework smell" of the gunpowder

Other strong points worth mentioning:

- The tragic beginning of baby Ruby's life. I want to follow what is to become of her.
- How you adeptly handle not only several characters in a scene, but also multiple characters and two extremely animated chimps--nicely done! Loved it.
- How the major problem in the book is created by Mr. Unusually himself--by deliberately removing his major money-making star acts from his barely surviving circus.
- Your ability to honestly convey a character's ongoing tumult of emotions, and relay the very human inability to completely direct one's own thoughts (for example, Mr. Unusually trying to dream-up a new kind of circus, but reverting back to thoughts Tara's tragic death).
- The description of the circus' decrepitude and how it contrasts with the ideal world of wonder they are tasked with presenting.
- How naturally the story unfolds, such as the way Mr. Unusually discovers the knife throwers.

Will happily read on. High stars. view book

Hi Sandie.

It's clear that you've earned your spot in the top couple hundred books here.

You start with a eye-catching opening: a nicely bloody and gruesome battle with very high stakes.

Dorin's scattering of the diamonds is a very clever way to set-up a epic-scale challenge later on, to reassemble the same and restore the kingdom to its former glory.

I very much like Ana's call to action by Theodore and her follow-on internal struggle to accept or deny the challenge.

Your settings come alive with vivid detail, and are quite cinematic. This is especially true in the description of the sword fight and later regarding the kingdom as it spreads below Dorin's feet after his mountain climb. Your description makes for immediate reader immersion.

You evoke some nice images that are clearly visible in the reader's mind:
"Dorin's sweat-soaked hair fell in his eyes and whipped his skin."
"Horius stood by his side and flipped his sword."

You also have a good sense for setting up conflict. For example, I like that most, if not all, of the kingdom are clearly not behind Dorin. This presents endless sources for conflict.

Some minor mechanical observations:

Chapter 1:
Odd placement of a comma after 'them': "The heckling and cheering from the horde of spectators that surrounded them, threatened to drown out their shouts, grunts, and roars."
Later, a good sentence about ripped trousers, but it is too long, and needs breaking-up. Starts with: "His ripped trousers rubbed..."
"Horius counter-attacked." I found this sentence unnecessary. Just remove this and let the action follow.
Comma splice in sentence starting with: "The force of the blow..."
"I should have been king not you." I think this is missing punctuation or could be split into two sentences.
"Eyes slammed shut..." Not sure of that choice of verb.

Chapter 2:
I found the use of periods before speech attribution distracting: "... rather than a cold, dark one." He said putting ...
Overuse of "grey" in this chapter (good scene setting though)
I think you can split up the sentence that begins: "He took out two grey blankets..." (grey again!)
I'm a bit suspicious that knowledge of magical creatures, like unicorns, was not passed on through at least some historical documentation, or an oral tradition. A total ignorance of these creatures wouldn't be believable, except by magic, which has been banished.

Chapter 3:
Nice chapter. But I do hope to find that Ana has some personal stake in the proposed journey for her to restore the crown jewels. Has she perhaps long suspected a magic in life that was deep within her, but smothered somehow? She needs a personal connection to this mission, other than just being asked by an old man she admires.
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Hi Dean-

I read the first four chapters and greatly enjoyed myself. Extremely easy to visualize and a total indulgence. So much of this does indeed read like a television script. You do a very nice job of building up tension, like panning between two bullet trains approaching each other on the same track.

I'm only able to connect with the female character so far, but I suppose that's deliberate. I was also wondering whether "Space Games", when it airs, will be a live broadcast or edited one (like Survivor), and how that would be managed.

Looking forward to reading more.

Collin view book

What an easy, fun read.

I like your middle-of-the-action start and strong characters. You've found a very clever device for exposition in the "memory books" of Luisa's.

Strong dialogue.

I also enjoyed:
"dropped two feet in elevation and landed in 1926"
"miracle the girl wasn't feral after living with him for so long"
"more like work of a grave robber"

You prove out more than sufficient historical knowledge of the area and that you have performed solid research in archaeology to make the story credible on technical matters.

It's a pity that the Latin comes across as a tad bit hokey--more a fault of cheap Hollywood thrillers probably. I'm guessing some Indian tribal language wouldn't suffice either. I also see some reviewers have latched onto your metaphorical "scab" opening. I would have liked that it was more closely aligned with the theme of age/youth--so something like a bed sore or psoriasis or liver spot, etc.

Overall, very nice work Jack--your rank is well deserved, but I think you rating should be higher. Backed and highly rated.



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I've always wondered what kind of black magic goes into a successful collaboration, and I think you've discovered the formula.

I've read Chapter 1 and 2. Wonderful stuff. I agree with another reviewer who commented on how "purposeful" the writing is. Just like the character stamping his foot in the prelude--the writing is strong, deliberate, and meaningful.

You have an enviable ability in portraying high action, and I was right there in the biking scenes, taken back almost 30 years to my first viewing of the movie "Quicksilver". The eventual hit and run similarly blindsides the reader. Excellent job there.

Loved several descriptions, among them:

"tendon-taught memories"
"the joyless munching of people for whom food is fuel"
the church "ruddy with summer health"

You take bold control of the omniscient POV, which can be hard to do. I did wonder why after so many eye witness accounts to the accident, so little was conveyed about the Mercedes that hit Jonie? Could be that the car sped off too quick, but the reader doesn't witness much curiosity in those that have witnessed the "accident".

All in all, I read these chapters with a frown of begrudging approval. When you're good, you're good. Made me re-look at your profile. Highly starred and will back it soon. view book

Cara, thanks so much for the opportunity to read. While not a devout follower of fantasy, your rich and lustrous prose will certainly entice. Your writing is very good.

I did find the pace more deliberate and cultivated to be a bit slower, but that's surely typical of this form. I think you offer a lot of intrigue in your main character "Adrianna".

The fantasy reader will quite enjoy this, a book written by someone thoroughly invested in the genre. view book

Really wonderful writing Claire. I have yet to read anything quite so polished and beyond recrimination on the site. A bit hard to believe it's not been lifted off a published page in the bookstore. I would only say that despite the promise of conflict in the short and long pitch, the first chapter asks the reader to have a bit of faith that trouble will come. But really, excellent job. Highly starred *and* backed. view book

Thanks for the invitation to read Jessica. I'll always be eternally entertained by any subject matter that attempts to dip a toe into what the afterlife and/or limbo may be like, that is, until I have to face it myself. :)

(Albert Brooks' "Defending Your Life" does this well for adults, in a comic way).

I'm sure the young people that read this story will hopefully walk away with a bit more courage to face some of the loss we all experience in life, and have faith they are perhaps better equipped now, having read your book.

I think you strike a nice, careful balance in your pages between entertaining the reader, and slyly imbuing within it key lessons I hope your young audience remembers for a lifetime.

Thanks again. view book

D.S., this is the kind of book that makes me wish I was twelve years old again and discovering the wonder found between such exciting pages as these.

I think you have a very strong plot and interesting characters. Among what I found you do well: super action scenes, credible and accurate dialogue (which is sometimes so hard to capture), interesting internal monologue, and believable family dynamics.

-I found Jessup's empathy for his mother's sadness very poignant.
-I appreciate the sense of urgency you set-up by establishing the "ticking clock" of the pending court appearance for Jessup to determine his choice of parent
-I thought the "arm draped across her stomach" was a great description that said so much in so little of the mother
-great cliffhanger at the end of the first chapter
-the entire scene of the professor emerging from the TV was extremely well done (the fact that he expected a much larger screen on entry is a riot)
-you handled what would have been a too convenient coincidence between Strunk and Jessup by connecting them earlier by Jessup's performing chores for Strunk
-I would love to see this adapted to film
-In the end, what a great "call to action" for Jessup, looking forward to reading more

I had thoughts/questions around:

-How does Jessup know what flavor of ice cream his mom buys and consumes at the store?
-Was wondering if "no-win situation" was too sophisticated a phrasing for a 12 year old (or perhaps he's just precocious); thought "if you're dad's determined to be with Denise" was also too old sounding
-I admittedly struggle with this a bit too, but since the POV is from Jessup, I stop to wonder when a metaphor or simile is too sophisticated, like "a puppy separating from afterbirth"
-Chris seems to disappear from thought for a long while during the time Strunk emerges from the TV--I thought there could be 1 or 2 more acknowledgments of him in the scene (even though he's cowering under the bed)
-Is there some inferred connection between the axe, the tree, (George Washington?), and the wooden paneling on the television?
-I was wondering if there could be a more credible way of having Jessup announce "Give me strength God"--maybe something more off hand, and something he perhaps wouldn't be embarrassed to be yelling out in front of Chris?
-Is there a Christ figure in this book--I can't tell if it's Jessup (direct allusion there), or Strunk?
-I could be reading into it, but was the cord like a "snake on the floor" an Eden allusion?
-Was wondering if Strunk could really view neutrons via his microscope?
-I thought Strunk's terrified epiphany about what he had created jumps very quickly to the conclusion it may be used in acts of terrorism--there are so many other uses for it (in evil hands--to steal money, escape authorities, release convicts, etc). Perhaps he could demonstrate a thought process where he concludes terrorism is the most likely evil use of the teleporter?

Great stuff D.S.! Starred, and although not a YA author myself, the very first to my bookshelf.




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Hi Scott-

Thanks for the opportunity to read your manuscript. I found it interesting and plot-driven in a pleasing way.

I did have some comments of varied importance:

Just a quick typo (I think, I'm no green thumb): impatients = impatiens

My eye kept tripping over the nonexistent commas in your dialog (I think others have noticed the need for commas inside quotation marks).

Keep an eye out for occasions where you can show more than tell. For example, "a tired and weary Dr. Evan" could have been an opportunity for the reader to experience his fatigue instead, have his vision blur, have him rub his eyes, experience a dim, aching buzz in his head, stretch, etc.

More and more I hear that speech attributions should be kept simple (he said/she said) or omitted where possible. So fixing up items like these might clean-up the flow of the dialog a bit: "he said excitedly", "she curiously noted", "confusingly retorted".

Also, even though exposition in dialog is required at times, sometimes it can come across too heavy-handed in parts like these. The following is from one character in one piece of dialogue I believe (a whole lot of info conveyed at once):

"my Daughter, Sarah" (could he call her over instead by name?)
"We have been coming to this same site for hte last 7 years"
"My wife Joyce went into Severville"
"We've been here for two weeks"
"We usually stay for the entire month of October"

I wasn't sure at first who said what here: "Wow" he thought out loud--who? (turns out to be the son)

The viewpoints do seem to jump around without too much advance notice to the reader. I think that's been noted.

I was wondering if the boy could truly see a woman's freckles from his current distance at the shore? (as she pulls up in pick-up)

"As they bide farewell" (bid? not sure if this is wrong tense or archaic use?)

At the end of the first scene, I thought you could add more urgency and energy to the mother's emotional response after the explosion: "helplessness that slowly overwhelmed her"

Looking forward to seeing more.

Thanks again Scott. view book