Serpentine.
I cant remember how your book came to be on my watch list, but I am immediately drawn in with your comfortable style of writing.
Ch.1. Do you want nits? Perhaps if you did a search on "the monk" and "the boy", you might want to vary the way you refer to them.
I can imagine the scene so vividly, especially the bit where the boy almost flattened his nose on the hull of the caracle.

Ch.2-3 A skilful way of recounting the boy's faint history, through the monk dragging it out of his memory - and Marcus's character is beginning to unfold. I am still compelled onwards. What age readership are you targetting, I wonder? And are you thinking of a pilgramage in a Canterbury Tales sort-of way?

Ch.4-5. I must remember that saying of the Monk's: "It all depends on what sort of mood the Good Lord has placed upon me when I wake up."
And indeed it is a problem being utterly free, and not knowing what to do next. You have good insight.

Ch.6-7. The boy is learning - beginning to think for himself, and wonder about his boots, and understand how a dog thinks.

You have me enthralled by your well-written story, and wanting more.
But why the title?
Jane. view book

The Popish Plot. A Hist.Fict. read.
A stunning Prologue - but wouldnt it read stronger if you deleted the words "suddenly and unreservedly" from the third paragraph?
And a striking description of Titus's face at the start of Ch.2. But might that bit about the Rev's profligacy be a little out of place? However, I must settle down to what promises to be a thoroughly enjoyable and enlightening read.

Ch.2. Do you think the paragraphs in this chapter are all rather uniform? Just a thought that some variety in length or interspersion of dialogue might relieve the monotony. And maybe the reminiscences of history through Charles's monologues could also be varied. This chapter reads a litle like a scene from a play. Did you mean it so?

Ch.3. Love the rhyming puns - dont know if it would help if you actually wrote them inverse form - I had to re-read to "get" it.

You explain history clearly through the banter, and I really must make time to read on and enjoy more of your well-written story.

Jane. view book

Mighty Fine. Sounds a fun read - your pitches hit the spot nicely.

Ch.1. Do you mind nits? I'm afraid I notice them, and they distract me from the story. I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

It's always (1) good to refine and refine one's writing. Search and cut out unnecessary words, which you will find will make your message stronger: still, always, actually, just.
And avoid -ly words where possible, for the same reason: horribly.

Your opening is good, light-hearted fun, and then very exciting.

Ch.2. The story runs along apace. So much to think about. You write well, and the dialogue is crisp and natural. But I'm thinking there are too many paragraphs of the same short length. You may need to vary the pace a little, maybe by including some chunks of narrative, and description. And some intimate thoughts, and inner emotions.
Something tells me Rita and Jack are doing things the wrong way round., and Ch.3. compounds it.
I cant help myself -just have to read on to Ch.4.

Uh - ho - trouble. And so predictable.

This is a light, easy read, and although not my thing, I can imagine it would appeal to the chick lit market.
Jane. view book

Never play Chicken... I like your opening bit about what kind of mettle we're made of. But I was a little taken aback by the structure of the numbered points. The principles, though, make good business, and life-improving sense.

Do you mind nits? I dont pretend to be an expert, and take notes as I write.

Ch.1. A story makes better impact if approached in a direct manner. Indirect words can be rather cumbersome to read. I'll try to re-write the first paragraph so that you can see what I mean. But of course it's only my suggestion - and it's your book!

"My great-grandparents acquired a piece of land in southern Arkansas under the Homestead Law of 1862. It was a fertile tract, and by much labor and faith, they made it their own. They built the old farmhouse around 1890, and many members of my family were raised there before me. The old home place is forever inscribed on my heart. It is where I learned about life, family and faith."

You have some attractive ideas - like the reasons for facing a house to the rising sun. But I feel that the first person comes through quite strongly in almost dictatorial fashion. Is this what you intended? Is sthe book a 'how-to' book, or is it a gentle exposition and guide to life?

Ch.2. Those are a succession of very long, solid paragraphs!

The analogies you make are imaginative, and strike a chord in me, especially the lesson on your father's spit can and cleaning up your own mess - and the one about the cow pies. But the authoritative way in which you expound them, I find a little strong.

You have a great deal of sound wisdom in your book, and I hope my comments have been of some help. There is some softening up to be done, I feel, so the lessons flow more smoothly from one to the other.

We all have plenty of editing and re-writing to do, and I wish you well with yours.

Jane. view book

One off Sir. Succinct, well paced writing, which hooks me into the story from the word go. The first chapters do jump about a bit, though, in time as well as place, which I found disconcerting.

I think you mean Ed could arrange 'the day to suit', when talking about the PO in Ch.3. And I know it's the jargon of the scene, but maybe less of the f-word would be more attractive to publishers, and a wider section of readers?

Ch.5. Just one teeny nit on the last line: you could safely leave out the word "down"!

A compulsive read, well written and providing just the right amount of tension to the plot. This should go far - once edited and refined. We all have to do it.

Good luck, Neville!
Jane. view book

Up the Hill Backwards. What a riveting first chapter!

A beautifully written story on a topical subject, which lets us into the haunted world of a paedophile victim.

Yes - one can - almost - control nightmares.

There's a compulsion about your book - inescapable hooks on the ends of chapters, and I've already read more than I intended.

You keep your promise not to go into the awful details, but the psychological agony is almost too much to bear, as you reach for another vodka and rehearse what you're going to say at court.

Not comfortable reading, but an important book.

Jane. view book

The Gospel of Grace. Yes - the Apostle Paul is indeed a man to look up to - and his inspired writings are awesome.

But have you ever had the feeling that those who say they're too sinful to even consider learning about Christ actually like wallowing in their sin, and have no intention of changing their ways?

You give a very lucid exposition of Christianity, sin, and law, and I am honoured that you have my very imperfect book on your shelf, which is sorely in need of considerable editing.

Jane (I Dont want to be Here) view book

BAOR. You paint an early picture of yourself as a no-nonsense boy who knows exactly what he wants in life. Attractive and refreshing.

Do you want nits? I would have said "One of the regiments that interested me - no, frightened me - was the M.. P..."
And see how it reads without any of the exclamation marks. You may find you dont need them, and e3ditors hate them, calling them "screamers".

I enjoy your easy style, turns of phrase, and bursts of humour, but perhaps - for authonomy - some of the paragraphs could be broken up, and that first chapter does go on a bit.

This is a man's book - an enjoyable revelation of what goes on in the British army ranks from someone who so obviously is in his element.

Jane. view book

Africa's Embrace. After reading about you and your book, I cant wait to find out more. I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to be an expert.

Ch.1. Wouldnt it be better to call this an Introduction rather than A prologue? You write well, but I hope all your praragraphs are not going to be roughly the same length.

Ch.2. "The first droplets fell like random bits of saliva spewing involuntarily from na open-mouthed sky" What imagery!
One teeny nit - surely you mean Kentor bound you "never to speak of" the event ...
This shapter is like a roll of drums announcing your story, and although I grimaced at the richness of the prose at first, it soon became part of me. But those paragraphs are still a bit uniform, and maybe some bits of dialogue / thoughts could be interespersed?
A great hook leads the reader on.

Ch.3. Somebody once pointed out the number of 'was's in my story, and I've been conscious of them ever since (and of other repetitions). Perhaps you could also do a search - you'd be surprised how easy it is to remedy.
I say again - you write well and include interesting information. But it's all narrative. Can become tedious after time.
That scene setting for the chief's court surely lends itself to more action: showing it as it happens, with the appropriate dialogue and action? You might even introduce more of those delicate touches of humour...

A most interesting and worthwhile read.
Jane.

I see you have barred messages! You may find it better to allow them, and only have readers' comments here. Thank you for introducing me to your book. I think you might be interested in mine, Breath of Africa, also 40 years in the making, which is being launched next month. www.jbwye.com view book

A painted Smile. Lovely title!
My, what an eventful, colourful life you have had. You know how to live it to the full, and must surely have learned much. I love the Oscar Wilde quote - 'We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.'
I take notes as I read, and tend to notice nits, but dont pretend to be an expert. Hope you dont mind.

(Auth) Ch.2. My first thought is - all those 'I's. It is difficult in true stories to get away from the first person, but unless skilfully managed, it can become tedious and seem egocentric for the reader.
Sometimes instead of telling (narrating) perhaps you could 'show' the scenes - directly from your own emotions as you lived them.
The opening chapters of a book often require the most editing, refining and juggling. My first book was re-written countless times, and many pages / paragraphs ended up in different parts of the book.
The back story and character descriptions of your parents are vivid and well drawn, but they do slow the pace rather! Perhaps they could be revealed in dribs and drabs, and with more subtlety as the story progresses.
Readers might rather be faced with more hope, light and star-gazing - even humour - in the beginning. All that negativity can at first be a little off-putting. It is difficult, and I'm faced with the same problem in my current book, which unlike you, I chose to write within the freedom of a fictional story.
That final sentence, when you think of it, is superfluous: you've already planted that thought firmly in the reader's mind! And you may be better off having a hook at the end of the chapter, to entice your reader to click on.

Ch. (a) 3. I'd love to read examples of the humourous side which your friends enjoyed, using your own mind's eye, rather than just as a narrator. Readers want to relate positively to characters in a story, and I'm afraid your opening chapters might be off putting for some.

I have had a look at your closing chapters. It seems this has turned into a sort-of self-help book, using anecdotes - rather than the story I thought I was reading. My mistake.

I do hope I have been some help - this is only my opinion, and it is your book!

Jane, (I dont Want to Be Here) view book

North West Wind.
Couldnt help myself - I just had to take a look:
Ch.1. A wonderful opening chapter, full of emotion, uncertainty, and pin-pointing the problem. Just a couple of nits on punctuation: "I rushed to the window and looked, and ... and his boat, there it was, capsized." Would that be better?
Also- check the number of "she"s. You may be able to delete some superfluous ones to make it flow better.

Ch.2. Vic seems almost too accusatory. Especially at this early stage. Perhaps you merely meant Winnie to feel unaccountably guilty - ?

I'm definitely looking forward to reading more.

Jane (I Dont Want to Be Here) view book

A Gate called Beautiful. A CCRG review. A lovely title!

Ch.1. There is a pleasing sense of atmosphere about your story, with its rich prose and sense of hope.
I have a few niggles, though - easily remedied. Beware of using multiple adjectives too often. They tend to hold up the flow, and your writing is expressive enough without the need to over-embellish. And you repeat the word 'drew' rather often, perhaps not always using it accurately: does a smile really draw wider?
I thought camels had soft padded toes which sort of shuffle across the sand - those I've seen certainly dont clomp and beat along a road!

Ch.2-3. Claudi and Baruch, the lowly beggars, meet the mysterious Ruth, and the story progresses in leisurely fashion. And we meet Seth, but the chapters are very brief, and we learn little more other than the somewhat repetitive descriptions of Claudia's beauty.

Ch.4. I see this is turning into tales from the Bible, with perhaps Claudia and Seth as characters to focus on. There are many such books - always interesting as they fill out the history and make it appear more real.

Perhaps you should move towards longer scenes and chapters, containing great detail, more like a story and less like the bare narratives in the Bible.
You introduce Ruth - and I'm wondering what her problem was, and when she's going to appear again. Maybe dwell a bit more on her at this stage, and let the reader get to know her better before following another thread?

But these are only my opinions, and it is your book! The opening chapters of a book are so difficult, and so important!
I've enjoyed what I've read, but there's more work to do, and dont be disheartened!

Jane (I Dont want to be Here). view book

The Snare of the Fowler. This must be a sequel to Chasing Pharoahs - although you dont say so?
What a dramatic, striking opening chapter, beautifully and sensitively written, as always. You transport the reader directly to the cruelties of ancient Alodia.
"Kenja listened for footsteps, longing for them. But it was another day before they came. And when they did, Ulan was dead."
What tragedy there is in those words.
And now I must wait until the moon is a black eye.

Your writing is even better than before - if that's possible - and I'm keeping this on my shelf for further reading.
Maxi-stars, Clare.
Have you thought of re-joining our Hist.Fict. group? Pharoah's is on our Roll of Honour, and it looks as if we've found an active kernel of commenters.
Best of luck,
Jane. view book

Devereux. An HFG read.
Sounds an intriguing story, and you paint a vivid picture of the two creatures fumbling and stumbling about in the rain. I like that sentence 'He detached the hidden fear and did the Christian thing.'
Do you want nits?
My first impression from the first paragraph was the plethora of multiple adjectives - three in the first two sentences! I know this is historical fiction, and one has to create an atmosphere, but modern readers / editors tend to cringe at unnecessary words... less is best seems to be the thing these days.
Other unnecessary words can spoil the flow of any story: almost, carefully, suddenly, unmistakably (Ch.3) still, eventually, only.
And words repeated close together stand out: tales.

Ch.2. I am a bit baffled by some of the dialogue and the innuendos, but you create some suspense, and this reader wants to click on.

Ch.3. You certainly know your subject, and the description of Philip's descent into the cave is full of detail. The mysterious losses of memory are probably related to touching the alien, and I like the way this theme is carried through from the first chapter.

You have an unusual plot here. There's some editing to do, but we all have to do that. And maybe you should look at refining and speeding up that second chapter, to make the story flow better.

Jane. view book

The Bible I Thought I Knew.
Ch.1. Your exposition on tithing is interesting, but I wonder at the effectiveness of drawing on the elusive mysteries of the Old Testament to prove your points. However, I do agree with your question, 'Cant we give freely now...'! Freely is the operative word, indeed. And when you freely give, you freely receive - it's a wonderful, wonderful mystery.
And the bit about women wearing men's clothing is well said. Yes, problems do occur when biblical sayings are taken out of context. Some are easier to pinpoint than others!
That's an interesting bit about eating the scavengers and filtering agents by millions of tons - I'd never thought of it that way!
You have done so much research, and written this piece very well.

Ch.2. You dont mince your words, do you! It is refreshing reading - providing food for thought. Especially about Catholics (not) being Christians. Now I understand where that thinking comes from... but of course Catholics are Christians - as in followers of Christ. They are. Even if so many of the historical edicts and curses of their institution appear out of kilter. They are imperfect people, too, after all.

Ch.3. Yes - history has a habit of repeating itself. The OT prophecies may well have referred to more immediate events in those times, as you argue in such detail. But that should not stop us now - or people in future generations - from taking note of the lessons learned, thanking God for His grace, and calling upon Him for mercy!
'Isnt being ready more important than wasting hours trying to pinpoint the exact time frame?' Absolutely!

ch.4. I prefer to listen to God within me, than read rantings on the Holy Trinity, which concept was probably 'initiated' in order to try to explain to imperfect minds this deep mystery. An impossible muddle is the result.
It all means the same thing, anyway - and I'm happy in my own personal experience of God in all His ways, however He is described by others.

I'd really like to read your take on the role of women in the church!

Jane.
view book

Fly at the horizon. That's a riveting opening, but do you want nits?

Editors frown on exclamation marks - call them screamers...

Also there are certain unnecessary words which spoil the flow of a story: quickly, he himself (Ch.1) silently, easily, only, once (Ch.2) correct, almost (Ch.3) obviously, probably, already.
And beware of repeated words / phrases: afternoon, envelope, door sat, home. And try not to start too many sentences with 'He.'

I like the way you go into the fine detail of Walter's habitaul actions, which mirror the machinations of his mind, leaving nothing out.
'His car pushed the gravel with (its) tyres...' great words.
You dont yet say where Walter is - which country? Oh - Kansas.

Spoken dialogue reads jerkily when reproduced in the written word, so it's best not to imitate - try deleting unnecessary exchanges especially at the beginning and end of a conversation, and you'll find the dialogue flows better.

It's amazing how quickly the world has moved on. Your story of the world of prohibition, and sleuthing without the twentyfirst century technology is a timely reminder of what has happened within the span of only half a life-time.
You've got me intrigued. Are Bill and dHeck baddies, or going to become innocent victims of suspicion?

Ch.3. I note you refer to bank burglary and not robbery... And smoking... and no air conditioning.

And I'm beginning to suspect Bill and his plane.
You are building the plot skilfully, and painting an effective picture of a time not-so-long ago in years, but a 'century' ago in speed of world 'progress.'

I've enjoyed this read, taking me in leisurely fashion into an engaging plot.
Thankyou.
Jane. view book

The Oligarch. 'A woman sat on a bench, huddled from the cold, faceless in the flower-patterned shawl that wrapped her head and shoulders.'
What an atmospheric Prologue, full of intrigue. There's something about Russia which intrigues me, although I've never been there.
Want some nits? Unnecessary words spoil the flow of your pacey writing: almost, still, (Ch.4) all too (Ch.6) almost immediately (Ch.7) just.
One minute Nadia is heading for Ramez's office - the next she's thread her way into the Manezh gardens?
Oh - I see. But perhaps you could smooth more seamlessly over that gap in time.
A dramatic start, Indeed.

Ch.2. You have a way with words: 'Monitoring the rogue states on Russia's soft underbelly...'

Ch.3. A neat way to provide Leksin's backstory.
'Been brought back to Moscow' is rather a cumbersome phrase - wouldnt something like 'came back' be better?
But you build up the tension well.

Ch.4-5. If it's a couple watching the pool tables, wouldnt they chat together? Swift, dramatic stuff indeed.

Ch.6-7 The choppy chapters are fast moving, but I'm beginning to wonder if a longer slower one or two might be inserted to ease the pace, which is beginning to make me feel breathless.
Arent the expletives a little overdone? The repetitions grind somewhat on the printed page.

Ch.7-10 This book is right up my street! And it's on my list to buy, just as soon as I get a Kindle.

Thankyou for the taster.
Jane.
view book

Victoria - I cannot reply to your message because you only accept messages from your friends!
If you go to the Hist.Fict. forum group:

http://authonomy.com/forums/threads/76876/historical-fiction-readers-group/

and post a message there to register your presence, I will gladly include you among our members. Your book looks most interesting, and a good candidate!
If you have any queries, ask on the thread, and I'll try to answer them, but the top page includes guidance.

Jane. view book

The Lark Ascending. I wonder at the point of the title - as yet unrevealed?

Ch.1. A beginning which immediately reminds me of your mastery of description: "Its sudden scream of complaint from underfoot sliced the evening air." (You dont really need the 'through'). What could be better than that?
But then you go clumsy with those 'hadnt's and would have's. Easily remedied.
But I'm not going to bother with any more nits - if I can help it.

Ch.2. You paint a totally believable picture of Malcolm's East London world, and I am becoming acquainted with the characters, one by one, in pleasant leisurely fashion.

Ch.3. A gret picture of schoolboy boredom. Then more of atmospheric London, smells and all. And you sure know how to string a plot together.

Ch.4. I'm mystified here. Is the end part a dream - or what? Oh - with hindsight, was he 'abducted by his father? Perhaps you should clarify more.

Ch.5. Very dramatic. I think I'm beginning to understand and appreciate the choppy chapters, in keeping with a young boy's reaction to his experiences.

Ch 6-7. An excellent description of Wendell and his surrounds. This is your forte. And the odours you introduce add spice and authenticity. Then a little mystery. I have a feeling you could expand and embellish these chapters more - round off the characters and create even more atmosphere around them.
I wonder why he half-expected to see a hole eaten through his torse?
Your depiction of the bewilderment of youth is masterful.
"The youngster's eyes were Asian yet he seemed like any other English lad soiled with poverty." Telling words.
I think you mean he wished Side were here.

Ch. 8-12. What's an alyssum? You are drawing me ever deeper into your story, with your wonderful descriptive passages and the tweaks in your plot.

Ch.13. There's an annoying gap in the plot in the chapter before they go off to the assylum.

Ch.14. Love that inconsequential ending 'Can you swim, Sid?@
Ch.15. Love the detail of the disjointed buildings, giving the impression of a bend.
Ch.16. I think you mean Malcolm had to rein in an inner drive.

Your work is full of gems, and I've enjoyed every bit of it.
Needs some editing and refining of course, but you've produced another great story, John.

Jane. view book

Call Home the Child. Love that title. It has such an evocative ring to it.

Ch.1. Would it be best to say merely 'she must have taken the long deer trail to the estate'?
What a poignant opening - suspenseful, yet promising hope. A fitting first chapter.

Ch.2. I am drawn to Jo. You show her practicality, her matter-of-fact manner and innate goodness. But she is quite domineering and likes to organise.

Ch.3. And that's a profound answer to Nancy's question at the end.

Ch.4. Do you really teach a beginner in the US how to make a horse go backwards at her first lesson? And Nancy must be an amazing person to master posting at the trot at the first go! I taught riding for many years and nobody achieved that for me...
You write in comfortable fashion, and it is pleasant to sit in front of my screen as your story unfolds, with its little happenings, picturesque scenes, smalls and the horses.

Ch.5. I'm afraid I dont get the significance of the 'Ho-hum Silver' in relation to the name 'Putney.' But that description of Jo entering the office is vivid indeed. And a little romance to add spice to the tale, even if Ralph does rush rather. His suspicions dont seem to be based on anything, and I'm not sure I like the way he presents his motives for going along with Jo's wishes.

I must tear myself away from your book now, but I've read enough to know that you have another gem here. Let's hope it wont take as long to get to the ED as the Dr.!

Jane. view book