Hi Nathan

Just read your first chapter and found it powerful. This is a brave piece of writing but it is also very good writing without self pity and melodrama, just the real effects of mental illness. I loved the line 'I'm tired of feeling like a stranger in my own skin'. Somehow you manage to get across what is so very hard to explain. This chapter certainly pulled me in as a reader and made me want to read on. Have you finished the book yet?

The very best of luck with it
Kirstie
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Chapter Seven

The erotic section is very erotic - and not at all cringy which was a relief. The senses used make this more than the run of the mill sex scene. The set up is quite odd - with all the women getting her 'ready' for the man, and the impression you give of this being more than a dream is weird - in a good way that make me want to read on.

I loved the little flashback to your MC with her mother. The little details like this really add to the ambience of the story as a whole. Another nice example was the otters holding paws - ahh bless.

I love the way your MC (I've just noticed I've forgotten her name, it hasn't been mentioned for a while) is becoming 'wanton'! I guess Nathan must have really been holding her back.

The whole mystery of the Joshua character and the strange dreams gets linked here - I have no idea where this is going but its certainly got me hooked. Its like nothing I've ever read before.

The chapter ending is great though the actual words unfortunately reminded me of Jimmy Saville's catch phrase 'hows about that then?'

Damn you - I couldn't stop and have had to read the start of the next chapter. Things are becoming a bit clearer with the plot hints being fleshed out a little. The character Sandie is amazing - I love her. And poor Viv, no wonder she is so unhappy.

I'm sorry, this is a crap review as far as constructive criticism goes - but I love this book.
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The Ghost Shirt

YALF Review

Chapter One
Firstly, I think your voice is great. You have a lovely turn of phrase and there are some hilariously funny lines. The opening chapter is not quite what I expected from the title and the pitch, it is funnier than I expected. I think boys (and girls) will relate to your MC Angus and his dry, matter of fact way of describing the madness that surrounds him. He is a sympathetic character too, although we get a sense of his pain, he is never whiny or self pitying.
The characters are great. Mrs McC is deliciously horrid and P McC provides a nice counterbalance to that. The sisters are not as well rounded, but I don’t think they need to be, they are the ugly sisters from Cinderella and we all know their type!
The conversation Angus has with his father hints at a more serious situation and gives us intriguing clues to the past, and the possible future of the story. The last paragraph provides a great hook and left me wanting to read on.
I was surprised at Angus’ low level of reaction to the furry ball and wondered if he might have had more inner thoughts, and perhaps alarm at what he was seeing.

Chapter Two

There is lots of action in this chapter. It’s pacy, funny and poignant. Little Wing seems like she will make a great addition to the family. The social worker is absolutely hilarious.
The only tiny crits I could make in this chapter are a couple of unnecessary repetitions of ‘his’
In ‘he pulled his newly acquired magazine from his school bag’ – you could probably change the first his to ‘the’
Also in ‘his growing sense of panic was making his ears throb’ you could change the first his to ‘a’
But that’s being exceptionally picky!

Chapter Three
There is a real change of pace in this chapter. It’s quite spooky and as a reader I really got a sense of Angus’ confusion and fear. I like that Little Wing she seems to add to Angus’ problems rather than solving any of them. The ghost shirt is introduced well. It really worked to see it ‘in action’ and then have the explanation from Little Wing. Again you have provided lots of information without overloading the reader with stuff to take in.
Chapter Four
The environmental theme of the story becomes clear here and I like it as a basis for the tale. It makes a nice cohesive element and is very topical. It’s a great idea to deal with such an important issue in a fictional way and I don’t think it comes across as preachy.
I noticed centauries should that be centuries? Also wasn’t sure why it was Lovers Loan.
This chapter has another great ending.
Chapter Five
I’m pretty sure Angus wouldn’t have been tempted to tell his school mates about the Imaginary Friend without the warning!
The descriptions of the graveyard and the well are deliciously spooky.
Tug is a great complex character, a child born into a family of thugs who wants to be a flower arranger – hilarious. I did find some of his dialogue a little sticky to read in places, for example I wasn’t sure if ‘kid or two ins here’ was a typo of dialect.
‘sacred hoop’ – I wasn’t sure if this was a typo for hope or actually a hoop – if it is hoop, then perhaps Angus would ask for an explanation
Chapter Six
This chapter sets out the problem faced by Angus and Little Wing. It has taken a long time to get to this point, and although you have used the time well to explain the backstory and introduce the characters, I wondered if you would hold the reader’s attention better if you got to the crux of the matter a bit sooner. The word count is quite high for a children’s story so perhaps a little judicious pruning would also help you to market the book.
The ideas, though, are wonderfully original and fresh and your voice and characterisation carried me through and made this a very enjoyable read.
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Hi
Chapter One
This is a great opening chapter with plenty of action and dialogue mixed in with descriptions that really helped me picture the setting. I like the way you get straight into the action and dialogue between Sam and Tom. The dialogue is believable, especially Sam's London dialect which is convincing but not too distracting.

I was surprised at the use of the N word. I understand from my teenage son that this is a word that is never used by white people these days but there are always exceptions!

Meter/meters is usually written metres if written for an English audience

I enjoyed the opening chapter and will put The truth that sets you Free on my watchlist so I can come back to it soon.

High stars fro now
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with the Wolves
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Chapter Six
Great opening line with 'the house purred with pleasure'
I loved the use of colours in sections such as the description of the piano. Again your descriptions, especially in the use of colour, are incredible.

I wondered where they were when Tom asked about the piano. It seemed a bit casual, as if he'd just plonked it down in front of her when I imagine quite a lot of effort must have gone into moving it from upstairs. Perhaps Tom could tell her he had something to show her and lead her to it?

The recurring theme of the snake in the house adds a nice sense of foreboding. It makes me think of betrayal.

I noticed on typos 'been obviously been'

Another great chapter. This is truly a pleasure to read. I am so intrigued by the guy online. Is he some kind of cyberghost I wonder

Looking forward to the next chapter
Kirstie view book

Chapter Five

This is another great chapter. I loved reading about the stuff in the attic - like porn for interior designers. The conversation with nobody added a whole new dimension to the story. very spooky. Very original. You are so flattering about the poor sad users of writing sites! Did you only come here for research - watch you don't get hooked!

There is more backstory filtered in here again and I feel I am getting to know your MC a little better with every chapter. But you keep me asking questions. Did Nathan break her heart - or someone else. Whoever it was she hasn't got over it so what does this mean for her and Nathan

You had better be getting on with writing the rest - I want to read it all

Kirstie
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This is very well written. I particularly like the descriptions of Adalyn's action and feelings. The chapter wghere she drinks the vampire's blood is extremely arresting.

I like the change of viewpoints in the different sections, though as Leonardo's appearance in the story appears to be very brief it might make sense to stick to Adalyn's POV if possible.

The chapter is well-paced with plenty of action but also a good insight into Adalyn's inner turmoil.

I noticed a couple of little points that could possibly be improved - obviously just my opinion.

'he could well guess that the substance might very well be blood' - I think you could do without one of the well's
'The poor young lord thing's me crazy - just a typo
'that creature that' might sound better as that creature who
'misfortune to attempt' sounds a little odd. Why would someone attempt such a thing unless it was necessary, in which case the misfortune would be the necessity rather than the attempt - if you see what I mean.
'Did she really think she could even take it back to Leonardo's family' - not sure you need the even.

These are minor points though in a well written opening chapter that definitely hooked me as a reader and made me want to read on

High stars for now and I will read further when I have time
best wishes
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with Wolves view book

I enjoyed reading this and found it an unusual idea.

Carly is a very likeable character who I found it easy to sympathise with. The other characters are also sympathetic and the 'baddy' is obviously 'the corporation'. The opening chapter leads us straight into the story question making the reader ask wil lCarly ever find her family. The end of chapter one provides a great hook.

Chapter Two
This has a great introduction to some of the other characters, to the institute and to Carly's dreams, The line 'be careful who you voice these opinions to, you know what I mean don't you' is very intriguing and suggests an underlying threat to Carly's security

Chapter Three
I like the little details that show we are in a very different world - like communicator instead of phone.
Chapter Fouradds to the growing threat that I could sense coming from the corporation. Why were they taking away so many children. This story seems to be broadening from the tale of one girls search for her identity to a darker tale about the operations of the corporation.

The more I read of this the more I liked the story. I think that perhaps the reader would benefit from a little more of the scenes being fleshed out, for example learning about the characters as we meet them rather than in a list and experiencing Carly's dreams as she does, with the emotions that the dreams might bring - but other than that I can find nothing I would change
High stars from me
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with Wolves view book

YARG Review

Chapter One

This is a very dramatic opening. It definitely provides a great hook. The reader gets a good insight into Grabriella's feelings. You might perhaps describe the physical sensations that accompany her shock at her pending marriage. I don't think youmention Gabriella's age here - though it is in the pitch. It might add even more to the drama here if it is included.
The line 'not knowing we should be running as fast as possible' gives a great sense of foreboding.

Chapter Two

I liked 'face full of angles' also 'my breath hitched in my throat'
Wow, the silver handled whip was a real shocker. A good ending to the chapter which compels me to read on.

Chapter Three

This is really powerful stuff, certainly not at easy read. The last line gives a particularly good sense of Gabriella's understandable fear for the future.

Chapter Four

You certainly know how to rack up the drama. Every chapter adds to the diabolical situation Gabriella finds herself in. But the action is balanced well with Gabriella's inner thoughts. I think there are the beginnings of a bond between Klara and Gabriella here and I look forward to seeing how this develops.

Chapter Five

I like the way we see a more feisty side of Gabriella's nature here. It is interesting that she has been too meek to defend herself so far, but she finds the courage to defend Klara. I wondered how Gabriella's felt physically in the confrontation with the captain. Was she trembling? Also I thought we could see more of her repulsion at this foul character.

Chapter Six

Another horrible shock with the bones of the slaves in the cage. This really made me fear for Gabriella and Klara.

Chapter Seven

There are some nice descriptions of the house and the sailors.I liked 'fripperies'

Chapter Eight
The developing relationship between Klara and Gabriella is nice here.

Chapter Nine
Oh the horror just keeps coming. Poor Gabriella and poor Klara. I really feel for your female characters in this horribly misogynistic society.

The pace is faster than historical and romantic fiction often is. I think there may be room for some more of Gabriella's feelings about her situation, particularly the separation from her mother. Also I think some more use of the senses would help us to really put ourselves in Gabriella's shoes.

This is a gripping fast-paced story that kept me reading. Let me know if you upload more as I genuinely need to know what happens next!

High stars for now and I'm keeping this on my watchlist for when I have a space on my shelf
Best wishes
Kirstie




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Just read chapter four. Ah now I understand the thread 'Do my floors turn you on'

This is another excruciatingly beautiful chapter - all that sea, cliffs, panelling. I'm very jealous of your MC living in that house. You have dripped in a few more details of your MC's past life which adds to the mystery rather than solving it - which is a good thing! The character Tom is a good addition, solid and down to earth. His voice is great - not a cliched country bumpkin but a flavour of the dialect.

The last couple of paragraphs will probably raise some eyebrows round here - where did you get your inspiration!
I look forward to reading more.
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with Wolves

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Hi Sean

I try to make my comments as useful as I can, but I'm no expert so take what works for you and ignore the rest

Ch1
Very well described action in the opening paragraphs. I think if there is only one passenger then passengers needs an apostrophe

This is a great opening chapter, very dramatic and your story world is described eloquently- some good humour too. Who wouldn't want to read more?

Ch2
I wasn't sure a 'rubbish' looking castle was quite up to your usual descriptive style.
Also found tower and tower like structures tricky to follow at first.
There is a nice touch of humour in the section with 'not to mention noseache'
'so would then he'sounds a little awkward.
I'm already liking Rancha's spirit

Ch3
A very funny start to the chapter
'barely impressive or imposing enough to stop....which they invariably did' - this sounds like a contradiction.

A nice ending to the chapter and a great hook to keep the reader turning the pages
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Hi Sam

YALF Review

I have already read the first ten chapters so I just skimmed them again to refresh my memory and then started my crit from there
I had forgotten how good this was!

Chapter 11
The nylon line is hilarious.

Chapter 12
The sentence starting 'she reckoned it was was suspect' sound not quite right - perhaps something like she reckoned it look well suspicious. Also there is 'well suspect' and 'well weird' quite close together

A very threatening ending to this chapter. Your characters don't always play nice.

Chapter 13
Not a huge amount happens in this chapter - but that does provide a nice change of pace - the mystery of the missing cat adds another piece to your puzzle of a plot.

Chapter 15
Not totally sure about the significance of this chapter with the release of Kofte - I am sure all will be revealed later

Chapter 16
I am not sure why this is written as a transcript. It works, but it is not as interesting to read as a scene would be. Is there another way you could show that MI7 overheard this - just an idea.

Chapter 17
Back to the action here. I suspect boys will love this, plenty of action, a bit of blood and gore and some nice technical details about weaponry

Chapter 18
I have no idea what 'roolin' is - but I am not exactly your target audience so I'm sure it doesn't matter.
The sentence starting 'Glance quickly' seems to need some grammatical restructuring.

This is really excellent; I can't believe it is not already on more shelves. You have definitely achieved your aim of a child led story. And your characters are self sufficient, courageous and intelligent. I enjoyed reading about them
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CHIRG Review
The opening paragraphs are great, though the word race is used three times in the second one - you could perhaps change the last one by just using 'humans'

I loved the prologue. You set up the story well and explain the story world with its myths clearly and beautifully
This definitely made me want to read on a find out exactly what this fourteen year old girl is about to face.

Chapter 1
There is a repetition of 'anymore' in a sentence in the paragraph starting 'I know your would, Toad'
The interaction between Kate and Dan is really sweet. I'm glad Kate has a friend beside her against the other mean kids.
'Copy off' might be better as 'copy from?'
I think Dan's compliments go on a little too long in this chapter - this also feels like a little bit too much information about what Kate is like. I would be tempted to shorten this a little - but that's just my opinion.

The locket incident gets things going again though and is a nice mysterious part of the plot.
Dan's death is very sad - but compassionately told.
The mystery of the locket reappearing gets the story going again - I had a feeling we hadn't seen the last of it.

Chapter 2

This has some great descriptions and the story really gets going here. I loved the line 'The name for his kind sprang to his lips. He was Gast. He was Seb'

There is plenty of action in this chapter and it moves at a great place. I like the way as a reader I am unsure whether to trust Seb or not and I am worried for Kate. Seb is a wonderfully complex character and Kate's reaction to him rings true. This whole chapter is very well written.

The chapter ends with a nice sense of foreboding.
Let me know if you upload more of this
High stars for now
Kirstie view book

I thought the prologue was great - really intriguing and emotional. Natalie may be a ghost seeker but it seems that the ghosts seek her out!
In the line 'We had only been here a few months' I don't think you need the 'now' that follows

The first paragraph of chapter 1 is beautiful. It is so different and emotional and the ghost thing is not overdone but is simple and clear and quite sad.

I can understand why Natalie's mother was so upset - what a shock this must have been for her.
Chapter 2 has quite a lot of chopping around as the characters move from place to place. This gives a good sense of the upheaval of Natalie's childhood, but I wonder if the descriptions of all the places could be condensed a little to speed up the pace a little - just my opinion though. The scene in the hotel with the father is bleak and disturbing as is all the domestic violence incidents. Annie is a strong woman to handle things as she does - though not strong enough to kick her husband out permanently at this stage. Again the ghost sections are beautifully written with a simplicity that I find beautiful.

In the line 'as it turned out my father wasn't going to live here at all' I think the here should be there as this is past tense.

I don't think you need to say strange and bizarre - one or the other would do.

These are minor points though in an original and intriguing opening that I would happily read more of.
High stars
Kirstie

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Well, this is a very powerful opening. You certainly hook the reader - I already have so many questions I want answered.

The descriptions are great. I could really feel your MC's pain in the opening scene - you describe what she is going through so vividly.

There is a switch of point of view from Kyna's to Rio's at 'Rio studied the bone white face' . You could probably divide these sections with an asterix to mark the change of point of view.

I would try to keep each section in either Kyna or Rio's point of view as head-hopping from one person's viewpoint to another can be confusing

Apart from that though, this is powerful and shocking. Not an easy read but definitely an emotional one
I'd be interested to read on.
High stars from me

Kirstie view book

CHIRG Review

The descriptions in this first chapter are fabulous and the revelation that the MC is an Elf is enough of a hook to make anyone want to read on. I really like the mixture of fantasy and the real world of New York that is so vividly depicted.

The first use of the shortened name 'What' threw me, but I soon go used to it.
In chapter one, after being threatened by the three men, What does not lose his memory - I assume the reason he escaped this fate will be explained later.

In chapter 2 the line 'Whatrigal could see more and more tiny green buds' threw me a bit - its sounded like you were going back to something you had been describing before.

This is so well created, I love the story-world, the subterranean empire, the characters, the character names - the whole set up of the crime ring with the conveyor belts and secret lifts. It gave me that same magical feeling that reading Harry Potter did, while also having elements of a spy novel.
A great opening three chapters and I look forward to reading more - on my watchlist for now

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This is an original tale for children. I like that it is addressed directly to the reader. The chapters are nice and short - perfect fro young readers, and the hook at the end of chapter 1 is great
I love the chapter with Annabelle and the butterfly. I particularly liked the line 'She span the story with emotion and love' I'm enjoying how stories are such an important theme of this book.
In chapter 4 I think 'had we been giving adequate time' should be 'had we been given'?
Also a typo in 'I will be back (sometime) this week.
I like the chapters about the different girls and their different lives and homes. I look forwad to finding out how their stories fit together.
Kirstie
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Chapter 1
The opening to this was great. I think everyone can relate to the questions your MC asks herself. There are really good descriptions here too - I can picture everything perfectly.
This is an excellent first chapter with plenty of hints at a dark occurrence in your MC's recent past. There is a great cliffhanger ending too.
Chapter 2
There is some wonderful imagery in this chapter. I had thought from the ending of chapter 1 that something terrible had happened to Nate - or at least that they had split up!
I liked the vicars hints at the houses past.
Chapter 3
I loved the comparison of the house to a girl who had had too much to drink the night before
I notice one type 'the jeans fell' - should be 'fall'?
This chapter has a great ending too

I usually write a much longer comment but I honestly couldn't find anything to criticise. I love a good spooky story and this is such a beautifully written one that I was captivated. Your language is wonderfully evocative and the images you use so fresh and work so well. I'll put it on my watchlist and come back to it soon
Best wishes
Kirstie view book

I saw your post on the forum asking for an honest crit - so I will do my best

Prologue

There is some great imaginative ideas here and some great writing. I did wonder if it might be a little long and a lot for the reader to be told in one go - but that is just my opinion so feel free to ignore. I wondered how Cyprus came upon the magical sphere - but perhaps this is explained later

A couple of typos I noticed
'their hair, greased and wild were' were should be was
forbidthem needs a space

Chapter 2
This is a fantastic chapter full of horror, brutality and emotion
I wasn't sure about the line 'my heart insisted to race' - maybe 'insisted on racing' or perhaps more simply 'began to race'?
'than slowly crept forward' than should be then
'And there were hardly any around anymore that if one had gone missing' - perhaps 'there were so few around that if one had gone missing'?
'It looked to be made' perhaps 'it looked to have been made' or 'it looked like it had been made' to keep it in past tense.
'dark place was even worse' - perhaps 'would be even worse'
There tolerance for such crimes was thin. I wasn't sure if you meant their (as in the High Council or there as in her home village
my father siad - typo
Clair homly - if a surname should have capital?
I think 'our district counciler. And one of the seven High Council Members' - should all be one sentence

The paragraph beginning 'I don't remember what number is powerfully written!
'cracks and ware' - wear?
'But how could dozens (of) people be missing.

This is an absolutely great first chapter and definitely made me want to read on. The comments above are just suggestions so obviously take what you can use and ignore the rest

Best of luck with it
Kirstie
The Girl who Ran with the Wolves
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CHIRG Review

Chapter 1
In my opinion, this is wonderful writing. The descriptions are fabulous but without being overdone. I particularly liked 'bruise hued.' and the atmospheric descriptions in the second to last paragraph which gave a great sense of foreboding

The characters are good too, all individual and the dialogue is convincing. I especially liked the interaction between Ulf and Haahon- I could feel the hatred.

Chapter 2
Another great chapter. I'm really liking Ingrid already. The pacing is great, lots of action but with a nice balance of description. The writing seems clean and professional. The only thing in the chapter that stood out as slightly awkward was the sentence starting 'Hadn't' - but I am being really picky here!

Chapter 3
Again the only criticism is in the flow a couple of sentences 'The wind had strengthened.' I think you might need to change the second part to something like 'pitching the Sea Eagle through the white-crested waves' to make it more grammatically correct.

Also 'snatched by the hungry waves' I would say something about Ulf being flung into the icy sea to make it clear he actually went overboard (I realised he did as I read on but at first I wasn't sure if it was just waves washing him on the deck). Also, grammatically this sentence sounds off - I don't know why co I'm hopeless at grammar but I would try to re-write it.

This is really great writing though. You have set up the story beautifully and introduced the characters nicely. The pace is excellent and there is a great cliffhanger to make me want to read more

High stars
Kirstie




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