lmoroney recent comments

written 1635 days ago
cherry

@3DNZ -- There are actually 2 little homages to NGE in there. Which one did you spot? :) view book

written 1680 days ago
cherry

Hi Laurence, have been reading on. Love the Hiroshima bit. It's very powerful. Sheena



I'm glad you did! I was wondering how it would go down -- part of what I'm trying to do with the book is bring real geography / history / science into the story, so that it can become a 'learning' experience as well as an entertaining one. Hopefully this is a good hook to help its marketability.

It's fun reading some of the chapters in front of Bing Maps, so you can see the locations / aerial photos etc. of what I'm talking about -- they're all real (other than the underground city of course, which is just a 'maybe') :) view book

written 1680 days ago
cherry

Hi Laurence, have been reading on. Love the Hiroshima bit. It's very powerful. Sheena



I'm glad you did! I was wondering how it would go down -- part of what I'm trying to do with the book is bring real geography / history / science into the story, so that it can become a 'learning' experience as well as an entertaining one. Hopefully this is a good hook to help its marketability.

It's fun reading some of the chapters in front of Bing Maps, so you can see the locations / aerial photos etc. of what I'm talking about -- they're all real (other than the underground city of course, which is just a 'maybe') :) view book

written 1680 days ago
cherry

Fourth World—
Laurence,

Hi there. Thanks for reading Riley’s Gift – the support is much appreciated.
I’m here returning the read, I take notes as I read, and these are my comments.
Take what you like and leave the rest.

“Fintan picked himself up and dusted himself off.” I would X one of the ‘himself’

Fintan hadn’t noticed his friend approaching. (we know this- don’t think you need it)

“…Do you think that if [you] the school suspended you for a couple of days….” Delete extra ‘you’

“On a Sunday…” I don’t think you need the ‘a’.

“He always liked to come and sit and think here.” – seems awkward to me. How about--- “He liked to sit here and think.” Flows a little better.

“Sorry, we thought it was for your father,” she lied, “so we opened it. --- I would remove “she lied” this is her pov… you could put his thoughts in italics on the line below – saying “I know shes lying.” Or delete completely – we the reader can gather what’s happening.

Very cute story and one that I think your target audience will enjoy. I like the voice of the narrative. I think you could cut out some extra words here and there. Reading aloud helps me to find these areas. I wish you great luck.
On my shelf.
~Krista
--Riley’s Gift



Awesome feedback -- thanks -- I've done some updates incorporating your fb. Thanks again!!! :)

Laurence view book

written 1680 days ago
cherry

Awesome concept, beautifully written. Need to read more. My only (minor) issue is the name of the 'Gohdamma' which evokes 'Goddammit' :)

WL'ed.

Laurence
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11541 view book

written 1685 days ago
cherry

This isn't my genre but.....wow! What an opening. I can see this being a blockbuster movie someday...sexy, smart, scary...and that's just the first few para's :)

This will be an interesting weekend read. Thanks!

Laurence

http://authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11541 view book

written 1687 days ago
cherry

Billy -- thanks for the comment. I was trying to get across that he was dazed as he moved from place to place, but in usual Fintan-like behavior he just sucked it up and got on with life (that's how he dealt with bullying after all).

The planes to A51 are not Jumbo Jets, but in fact small 737's from Las Vegas. (In real life!)

Here's a picture of 1 from Wikipedia:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/48/350pxJanet_737-200_MGM_Grand_Las_Vegas.jpg

I've been to LV many times trying to spot them, but they're very well hidden!
view book

written 1688 days ago
cherry

Nicely written. I like it! It's a story with great heart. And I never knew they had swans in Alaska, so I've learned something by reading it :)

WL'ed

Laurence
(The Fourth World) view book

written 1688 days ago
cherry

Cool opening! The first couple of paras had me going 'huh', but it soon picked up. It seemed oddly passive that she knew that the airplane was doomed, when she was the one trying to doom it. I think that should be brought out up front.

Writing is beautiful, pacing excellent, descriptions wonderful.

Maybe try to avoid the cliche 'closed with a bang' etc. view book

written 1688 days ago
cherry

I've gone through leaving one country to start a new life elsewhere and you captured the feelings perfectly in your opening chapter.

Small nit -- 'gold is he root of all evil' -- the correct quote is 'the love of money is the root of all evil', as in money isn't the problem -- people loving it too much is. I think this would fit nicer with your overall theme.

Beautifully written, very compelling. WL'ed. view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Love it. The tone is very Douglas-Adamsy which can't be a bad thing.

Minor nits -- you sometimes repeat words a little too much. In Chapter 1 you end a sentence with 'Chance' and begin the next with 'Chance' which looks wrong. In Chapter 2 you use 'fat lady' twice to describe the ummm...fat lady. Also in Chapter 1 Mary's hair is described as like celery at one point and like brown dishwater at another point, which is a little jarring.

You have a very high ranking which is well deserved! Adding to WL, and will shelve soon. view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

I like the overall idea, and I'm looking forward to reading more.

Some comments -- your opening para is where you try to hook people, and it is spent introducing the ship and not the characters. I think it would be better to describe the ship a little later -- people care more about people than they do about tech. Just my 2 cents.

Also, there was one awkward sentence where the word 'case' appears 3 times, and ends with 'basis'. ('dealing with cases on a case-by-case basis') -- it's good sometimes to read your work aloud to spot little bumps like this.

Overall though, it's interesting. Keep writing! :)

Laurence
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11541
view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

This pitch really hooked me, as someone who has spent a lot of time on business trips to both Detroit and Japan. Eager to read more! :)

Some notes:
1. Paragraphs, particularly early in the chapter might need to be divided a little better. In some cases a long para starts with one subject and ends with another and runs long and wordy.
2. The name 'Jasmine O'Dale' seems wrong for a Japanese-American. *Jasmine* tends to be what westerners think Chinese people tend to be called. I think it would have much more resonance if she had a Japanese name like Keiko, Ayako, Eriko etc.

Watchlisting this...

Laurence
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=11541
view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Regarding the underlining -- one publisher that I pitched it to required it that way, and I never changed it back. Oops!

I will fix it in the next pass. view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Taran Elijah is just a great name for a character. Love it.

Looking forward to reading more. 84,000 words though, so it will take a while.

Congratulations on being in the top #5 and hope I can join u there.

Laurence
(The Fourth World) view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Agreeing with Janie. Great characterization and atmosphere. Beautifully written. Can't wait to see more!!!

Backed.
Laurence
(The Fourth World) view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Have to agree with Charmlessman. Hollywood is so short of ideas right now.

I've been working (a little) with some Hollywood Studios as part of my day job, and they're just crying out for something like this. Of course it needs to be published/optioned/scripted/rewritten etc according to the usual Hollywood way, but your book looks like a winner, and deservedly at #1.

Congratulations!

Laurence
('The Fourth World') view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Just read some of the other comments and now regret it. I wanted to be surprised by the shape shifting reptilians. And interesting that it's based in Tokyo, one of my fave places in the world, so that gets it Backed.

Great quirky dialog -- love it.

Laurence
(The Fourth World) view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Hi Jose! Thanks for the comment, and I'd appreciate it if you read 'The Fourth World' too. I'm really intruiged by your book and your characters, and it's pretty refreshing to find a book that puts the monarchy of England at risk! Haven't seen that kind of thing for a while. I love a good thriller, and am loving the fact that it's a financial fraud investigator that uncovers all this stuff! How true!!!

Definitely Backed. I see you're at #21. Hopefully this will help push you up a wee bit :)

My book, if you want a light feel-good read is 'The Fourth World'. view book

written 1689 days ago
cherry

Jennifer:

Thanks for commenting on 'The Fourth World' -- I'd appreciate feedback/watchlist etc. It's Sci-Fi, but very different from yours, being a lot lighter and a fun read.

What I love about your sci-fi is that you are remembering what is best about Sci-Fi. It's not about spaceships and planets and warp drives and gadgets, but about people being put in fantastic situations, with a world created around them that makes sense. You've done this -- making a story about a real person in a fantastic situation. It's great, marketable and very movie-worthy! Congratulations. view book

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