yarg
i found this to be another great story little work but i'd say the story is good.

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Hi Sam, I came across your collection of short stories whilst browsing for reads ... It was actually the cover (although I have no idea what that crazy illustration is) and brilliant tongue-in-cheek title, which got my attention. Then I read your snappy short pitch (followed by the absurd long one) and just knew I had to take a look at a few of them.

I love the sheer wackiness of alien space chickens from outer space. You do need to make sure your tense is consistent - either past or present, but not both please. The Terry Pratchett school of humour (that's what I'm likening it to) is an absolute winner for me. Riveting good fun (although I imagine anyone who plays with rivets will get in trouble).

I'm not sure I got/get the quip about logs running for charities in marathons!? Maybe I'm a bit thick though, whoops, let that one slip. The idea of a pig (named Mr Truffles of all names) having a mobile phone is hilarious ... I want one ... Where can I get one of those ... Chapter One is zany and frenetic, and a little bit disturbing at the end.

Your explanation of the bear, and the pig, and the honey, is right out of a Jasper Fforde novel. Personally, I was kind of hoping they'd go right at it. A honey wrestling match maybe? Okay, I know, that really would be weird. Quite how a pig can hop onto a kitchen counter (let alone off one) is beyond me. You have some alien typos you might want to, erm, drown.

In Chapter One you tell Maddy's 9 but in Chapter Three you switch to 7. The hatching of the first Chicken alien is fab, although Mr Truffles steals Chapter Four all for himself. Needless to say, I'm quite appalled the writer didn't end up with egg on his face after such a terrible joke ... I think possibly, you need a bit more of a coherent arc.

There's nothing wrong with humour that ties in with a story, but some of it seems a little over-cooked. Two examples would be the whole egg aside/paragraph, and that bit about Maddy and Truffles being super spies. I don't think you need either, simply because those sections bog the story down in alien chicken poop. (They're far too runny).

I really like the madness of it, you just need to do a bit more refining and polishing. I'd also love to read your stories with cartoon illustrations; they're absolutely begging for some. As for how I rate this, I have no idea; I could give you six stars for inventiveness, but then you'd have nothing to work towards - And I want to see your book shine with polish ...

(Or, you know, custard)

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

What a cool angle to write from. The retroflection was quite stunning and very well described and implemented.
Seems quite a flip to shift from one religion in the beginning of the book, to another at the end. Anyway, the idea of maintaining a conscious state after death comes from Greco-Roman concepts, not the Bible. And the Lord's day would not technically be Sunday...but would actually be the Sabbath, from Friday sundown to Saturday sundown, right? Great imaginationary yarn, and very entertaining, good job. Peter B.
"The Bible I Thought I Knew"

Hi Peter, thanks for taking the time to read and comment, really appreciate your backing. I've not posted the ending so I don't understand your comment about shifting religions? Does it matter where an idea comes from in relation to a fictional story? Ask any non church-going fifteen year old what day the Lord's day is and see what they tell you. Clearly, I'm not going for fact based on Scripture ... It's a modern story for modern times. view book

Hi Thomas, I remember the very first Christian Fantasty novel I read was This Present Darkness by Frank Peretti; it left a profound effect one me when I was in my late teens. I really like your cover, I don't know where you got the artwork from, but it's fantastic. Most YA Fantasy novels on here tend towards the Paranormal; it's refreshing to see something genuinely different ...

I was initially drawn in by your pitch; a couple of small pointers - the opposite of ordinary would surely be extaordinary? Rather than milleniums old dragon (which sounds a bit awkward) I'd state the dragon's age.

You have a good opening, and your style flows well and is very easy to read. The simple lines of dialogue work in your favour and actually make Asa more believable as a Character. Street kids (on the whole) don't talk a whole lot, or at least I'd imagine them not to. Sentences like - He always did eat better around the holidays - are excellenty crafted.

You have a strong literary tool in Rusty the dog and I like how Asa talks to him. Normally, I would say don't ever, ever, reference other Fantasy novels, even if they are the greats ... However, in this instance, I think the comparison works. I like that Asa's a street kid - my own Character ends up as one - however I'm not sure where, or when the story is set ...

I also like the idea of Asa controlling his breathing, but not really realising it. You have a unique way with descriptive language, I find it easy to picture and yet you present simple ideas in unique ways ... A good example would be the tall buildings leaning in over the alleyway. Everything you describe is also very visual without becoming bogged down in detail.

That's a rare gift!

You did lose me slightly with Asa crossing the room into the closet; is there a reason he makes his home in the closet and not the room itself? Or have I misunderstood? The paragraph where he pulls his hair back into a ponytail and removes his shoes is sheer perfection ... Again, your description of the basement (and its books) is also expertly worded.

The relationship you build between Asa and Rusty in this opening Chapter is of sublime importance. Their friendship is obvious, and it shows both through Asa's dialogue and their individual action(s). We don't have newspaper boxes here in England (not that it matters), but I remember seeing them in Canada, and thinking how odd they seemed ...

I've got to write this, Asa definitely has a bit of Oliver Twist about him, I think that's very appealing. The idea of Asa stealing from the book donation bin comes across as original and a little bit roguish - Oliver Twist indeed! Asa's resourcefulness is a shining characteristic, I really hope this side of him continues throughout the rest of the novel.

How did/does Asa attach his bag to the cardboard?

Your sentence - No one cared why an author wrote a book, only whether it was good or not - is an object lesson in how to write effectively for the Young Adult market. I couldn't help smiling at Asa's comment, "What was I supposed to use?" Brilliant. I'm glad you're willing to acknowledge that the Bible has boring parts.

You have a fantastic opening Chapter here, and I'd suggest joining the YARG forum group as soon as possible. I've already made room for your book on my shelf and will also be rating it six stars. I've read a lot of Young Adult material on site, and yours is one of the very best without question!

Whilst I hope the pace quickens in following Chapters, you've taken the time to establish Asa's Character and you've done so in exquisite style. I can't wait to read on ...

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

YARG Review:

Hi David, I scrolled down to read Scott's comment on your book and could scarcely make head nor tail of it. Just from reading the first few paragraphs it's easy to tell that each sentence has been carefully crafted. Sometimes it's easy to overwrite, or not write enough, but every word fits, and few authors attain such natural flow.

Be careful with overusing the word 'the' - it's one of my key words I always check for. If it appears too often your reader(s) may notice. I would echo Jaclyn's comment by saying that for a YA novel, this doesn't start out like one. You may find you need a more immediate opening, something a bit more dramatic to hook your readers in.

I would add more description to the scene where everything freezes. I think in order to be effective you need to make that imagery as strong - and vivid - as possible. One minor note, if a bird 'hung' it would be hanging from a perch, not flying off. Currently, my feeling is that there isn't enough detail to distinguish Janey's character.

Perhaps you need to tell us more about her appearance, her character, her job, family situation and/or homelife. I need a reason to care about the fact that something terrible's clearly going to happen to her. The Chapter's ending - or the build up to it - is much better. A little morbid, but I think that works in your favour.

My only other suggestion would be to add some incidental detail regarding the maelstrom/hole. What does it sound like, what happens as Janey's pulled through it, how does it close in on itself. Aside from those points, this is a surprisingly engaging Chapter. It reads like a polished work and flows extremely well throughout.

I don't know if you've ever read anything by Stephen King, but if not, I'd recommend checking out how he uses narrative description to great, and chilling effect. I feel like I haven't got into the meat of your story and, in a way, I'd prefer to read about your MC. As long as she crops up in Chapter Two I don't think you have a problem.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

CWOG Review:

Hi Adam, just from reading your long pitch I'm not sure whether you've awakened my inner nerd. Buddy sounds like a slightly more adult version of Kick-Ass for all intents and purposes. You have a very strong narrative voice and the opening paragraph is as fine as any I've read; not a word out of place.

You did confuse me with what happens afterwards, the mention of a miniature cabin, harsh bleak desert and immobile transportation (what is going on), but I think it's good for a reader to ask questions. I like your use of 'infantile incarcerator' - you write 'assure I am unharmed' instead of 'ensure I am unharmed.'

I'm actually quite impressed by the introduction of your central villain right at the start. This is comic-book norm, of course, but it gives a sense of foreboding to everything that will follow. He even reminds me a little of Magneto. I'm not sure whether the set up could benefit from more description; the trade off would be losing pace.

The line 'Buddy had a long-standing feud with mornings' is brilliant! Who doesn't? I find the American use of the word 'cot' awkward, but as I say, that's an American thing. It's the simple references I like the most here; kicking cans of beans off his cot, Maggie turning on the light with her shoulder. They're simple yet effective.

Maggie's joke teasing of Buddy's hangover is also excellent. Your dialogue's a definite strong point, although I wasn't expecting Maggie to try tipping the coffee over Buddy's head! I have to get this in here too, but Buddy's a bit of a disgusting Character isn't he? You handle Maggie's description eloquently and she's a good character.

I can't imagine smearing bathroom hand soap beneath your armpits, that's hilarious! You handle the news report and subsequent earthquake clean up with ease, I thought it tied in well, especially with mention of the trapped coal miners. There's very little for me to criticise, Adam, as I've enjoyed reading your first Chapter.

I would suggest, however, that this doesn't really read like a work of Literary Fiction, compared to other books I've read. It might be better classed as Fantasy if it isn't already ... Anyway, a bunch o' stars from me for some truly fine writing and I'll put your book on my watchlist right away. It's a fun, highly entertaining read.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Hi Monica, I was drawn to your book by the excellent cover and your intriuging long pitch. I'm a huge cat lover so this is right up my alley (no pun intended). There's a huge 'Cat' market in this country based on runaway successes such as Lolcats and Simon's Cat, however a cat diary along the lines of Adrian Mole is quite unique.

For the purpose of formatting I'd suggest you don't repeat the book's title at the top of the page. You might also consider dividing each day/entry into seperate Chapters to make them easier to read. If your book were to be published I'm pretty sure each day would be given its own page. As it stands it looks like a huge chunk of text.

I love the opening line. I thought the bit about his name was genius. You could maybe expand upon it a little, for example, why does he think he's called Xenopherus? Is it the biological name for a Cat? Personally, I don't have a problem with the hooman/bastards reference. I think this could be well-marketed at a more mature audience.

Again with the moron reference; kittens do compete to get milk from their mothers, so actually, I thought it was fitting. Watch your tense, ie - why I HAVE to wait until they FINISH eating, or why I HAD to wait until they FINISHED eating. Towards the end of day 1, you mention the new jail but don't actually tell us where he is.

Okay, it makes more sense at the start of day 2. Proof read the first paragraph of day 2! Another minor point; if he's limited to the kitchen and hallway, how can he meow under the hooman's door? I thought the mention of the 'poop' and 'bouncing round thing' was great. At the end of day 2, it might be worthwhile to add in some description.

What does the prison look like? What interesting objects are there? What's a Microwave for? What does the Washing Machine do etc. You could really have fun with those types of loud, noisy objects.

Aha, I'm not going to comment in detail on day 3, but the emergence of the dreaded Vacuum Cleaner is spot on. My Cat used to hate ours and he wouldn't go anywhere near the thing. There're quite a lot of animal stories on Autho, and they can be a hard sell to make the Desk. That said, you have some really fun ideas here.

Personally, I like the idea of a naughty kitty with attitude, a lot, and I'd stick with it throughout. Why, because it makes your book different, Huck's not quite the cute and cuddly type of kitten. He has a bit of an anti-human, feral response about him, and for me, this is what makes your book great. He's not trying to be nice or pleasant.

I'll keep this on my watchlist.

Please consider having a look at my book when your have time.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday

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Rob, I get the impression this is a charming, fully engaging story quite unlike any others I've read. I'm not sure everyone will 'get it' but your style reminds a little of Frank Peretti's own works. What impresses me most is that it's very easy to read and could appeal to almost any age group. I particularly love your portrayal of I-Am.

You give just enough detail to describe the beauty and mystery of Heaven, without allowing it to become excessive or distract from your narrative focus. In that sense, I thought the way you incorporate the river of joy as a means of travel was brilliant! Your writing has an easy flow, and keeps up a carefully measured pace.

I think you have a good opening and the dialogue fits well. Your description of drinking the water and the sensation to laugh (out of joy), is a perfect metaphor. It's something I've witnessed and experienced only on a few occasions.'You're wounded spirit's ... ' should be 'Your wounded spirit's ... '

I thought the way they enter the city - with all its jubilant celebration - was really well handled. Also the thought of having coffee with Jesus in the mansion's garden is thoroughly compelling. I do feel, that in parts there isn't enough expression considering what Rob is seeing and experiencing. I'm not sure how you can convey that kind of awe ...

Your description of the throne room is quite dazzling and drew me back in, just as I was starting to think some readers might be put off by the Biblical/Christian overtones. You have an excellent cliff-hanger type ending to Chapter One and I really can't offer any useful criticism other than this: Get your book to a Christian publisher asap.

I'm finding so much great writing on this site lately. Anyone who reads this (Christian or not) would be hard-pressed to admit that it isn't very well written, almost to a publishable quality. It's also different enough, I think, to stand out from other novels within the Fantasy genre. I understand your reasons for not listing it as such, but be prepared to have it pigeon-holed nevertheless.

Either way, I will rate this highly and give it a stint on my shelf.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Hi Richard, I remember you commented on my Children's book (or attempt at one) ages ago, and I never got around to returning the favour. From both your short and long pitch, this book sounds like a very depressing read. That isn't a knock on you, but if I saw it in a bookstore I doubt I'd pick it up, which is a real shame, because your writing is very accomplished.

I am a little confused regarding Bobby's age since he seems to use quite grown up words in places. Also, you've gone for what I'd call a 'type-set' font, and I'm not sure whether that's a deliberate choice. Let me say I think you have a very strong beginning when they're talking about capturing the starlight in bottles. I could really envisage this and the conversation between them seems natural.

Bobby's description of their daily routine is a fine example of great literary writing. The only way I can think to put it is by telling you there isn't a word out of place. Not one. It doesn't flow and ebb, it just flows, and despite the harsh reality, I thought it was a beautifully sad bit of writing. Especially the sentence where he tells the reader - ... we may still be punished just to remind us that we can be.

Actually, reading on a bit further, your words instigate a feeling of claustrophobia. That might seem obvious, but describing it, and invoking that sense in the reader are two different things. Where you've drawn a fine line is within the narrative itself; Bobby has to seem sympathetic (so we can empathise with him), but not miserable or self-piteous.

I'm glad you made mention of their imaginations. The mind is a powerful tool in the fight against oppression. The following paragraph where you explain what their imaginations can do is equisite. It reminds me of a book I've completely forgotten the title of, so unfortunately I can't reference it for comparison.

The Chapter end dialogue is heart-breaking for all the right reasons. I've not read anything quite so measured (on a writer's site) in a very long time. There's nothing to criticise or frown upon. I think that makes the mark of a truly great writer. I read the first Chapter of Jac's It Never Happened, and although your story is very different to hers, I'd say it carries far more impact and is definitely more engrossing.

One small point, I don't you need the final line of repeated dialogue.

I'd love to read more (I'm becoming a huge fan of well written Lit Fic these days) and will rate highly and make room for a spot on my shelf.

This is exceptional writing, Richard.

Best of luck with it!

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Hi Chelsea, I was just browsing for an edgy kind of book to read and happened to notice yours under the 'latest books' list. I really like the title and premise which is both intruging and unusual. I have little interest in vampires and werewolves, so you've got a unique concept here. I also like the fact Erik's trying to live a 'normal' life in a small town.

You made your intention clear with the Chapter One heading; although it's been suggested to me that use of the 'f' word will push your novel into the 'older' Young Adult bracket. I think the opening paragraph is quite clever - you tell us Erik means "brave" but then he completely disregards that assumption.

Watch out for repeated words, the first 'different' isn't required, ie. 'every one had a different definition.' You don't need to write 'they threw in the "k" on there' just delete both mentions of 'on there' as it over-explains it.

Love the second paragraph, brilliant! Of course there would be a love seat in the main living room. Ooh er. I found 'my mother's strained face at my father's blank expression' slightly awkward. I like the idea that the Grim Reaper's son would be a Rugrats fan. That's pretty funny in itself. You have a nice rounded ending to Chapter One which definitely makes me want to read on.

I'll leave that as a comment for now, but aside from a few minor niggles, this is really polished writing. I think it'd do extremely well in the current YA market were it to be published.

I'll give you high stars and make room on my shelf.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Hi Donna, the way you start off your Children's novel is quite excellent. It's not thoroughly original (I have seen these 'type' of videogame beginnings before), but I can understand the relevance, which is very clear, and for that reason it fits perfectly. Your description of the aliens and the atom displacer really gives Jessup his own voice.

I also like his friend's reaction here - "She's going to kill you." Fantastic. As a long time 'gamer' I love how you mention the cord trails between his legs. One thing you might consider - since N64s are outdated now - is a more modern console, the Wii U being Nintendo's latest (and biggest) release. Just thought I'd point that out.

I think you've made his musing on his Mom & Dad's impending divorce very relatable, not only that, but Jessup's narrative voice reminds me heaps of Adrian Mole. In a good way, of course. I can definitely relate - albeit for different reasons - to the following sentence: I was a kid with a head full of anger, and hate, and sadness, and a heart as heavy as a rock. This is pure literary gold in my opinion.

His questions regarding the 'big' decision he has to make are all perfectly valid, grounded, and logical. I think this invokes a large amount of empathy - from the reader - towards Jessup's chaotic family life. Be careful with tense, there are a few instances when you use past tense to explain present events - 'was' should be 'is' etc.

You have a way of really making sure your writing hits home, with sentences like - She just wasn't happy. And neither was I. His methods to get his Dad 'back' are the surefire stuff of twelve-year-old boys with mischievous minds. I thought this was a great touch.

I would suggest you don't overwrite the family situation; I don't think the 'Here I was in the seventh grade ... ' paragraph is needed and would cut it altogether. Just jump into 'My teacher at church ... '

Your sentence: She had gained twenty pounds and ten years in the past three months, is really well observed.

Aha, just read to the end of Chapter One and take back my comment regarding the N64. That explains it, brilliant paragraph! I thought your dialogue was also very natural and the conversation towards the end between Jessup and Chris came across well. Your writing is near enough faultless (grammatically) and I think you stand a really strong chance of making the Desk.

On my shelf and full stars.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

An Ordinary Sunday By Ben Daniel. 24/01/13

Hi Ben, Just a few thoughts, bearing in mind you don't want the grammatical feedback. Like all Auto feedback, you can use it or not.

SP. Seems okay.

LP. You name the MC Bryan in SP. This is followed by Bryan twice in LP then towards the end you call him Bry. Maybe, for consistency, start with Bry in LP.

Chapter1.
1). First para is difficult to read as it doesn't flow easy but, early days and if this is your style you use-okay.
2). Para 2. Up to 'testimonials' reads jerkily but, from 'testing..is great.
3). Maybe 4.30 is a bit late for the school run. 3-30-4-00?
4). 'I remember the blackness..' (to me, this refers to death but you associate it with getting dark early).
5). 'I saw her sitting there etc...(Maybe: 'from my position in/on the road,' or something like that. Maybe you should sketch this out as, if he could see her then he would be on her right side e.g. crossing from right to left. If the car skidded on ice it would be some distance away etc. Am trying to visualise this and it completely stops me reading.
6). 'With one t.' Maybe omit: not two.
7). 'About fifteen-later you say he's face down in a puddle. How do they see each other? She describes a teenage boy.
8). Am a bit confused about the 'Sunday.'
9). He didn't even make....just an army lighter. (Maybe rewrite this. Do you mean he burnt each piece of rubbish individually?.
10). He'd throw caution...(Maybe this para belongs to the previous one.).
11). Maybe, if Mr grimes was ex-RAF use another description of the 'army lighter.'
12). Or maybe: Mr Grimes would throw caution ...put at start of new section after ***
13). 'You, er, go on about your business.' (maybe rewrite this to become more meaningful).
14). 'Who can't,' I ask him... (maybe omit HIM).
15). Maybe put Grimes's reply on new line.
16). Ah! Sorry, is it Grimes who says, Police, Government etc?
17). Maybe some dialogue would read smoother if kept together e.g. 'There's a chill...put this at beginning, end or somewhere else.
18). Mr Grime's language doesn't seem to tie in with his being a bomber pilot.(lower case).

General.
Maybe rewrite the first two paras without the jerks and then read aloud and see what you think. I haven't yet got too far but have noted that at 10 years he owns a remote control car. Hope this fits his home circumstances.
I feel that the shift from the accident to Mr Grimes a bit sudden. You need to sort out capitals.
The story is great as is the potential for the characters-that's the most important bit. The writing style is okay but at times can interfere with the flow and become confusing.
Hope this is of use. I won't read any more because this feedback may not be what you want.

Chris. Sorting it Out.

Hi Chris, thanks for your comment on my book, which I was a bit surprised to read. I've taken your advice and now reworked the first two paragraphs slightly. I'd be grateful if you could let me know whether you think they're an improvement (via message).

As far as the accident itself goes, the details aren't as important as the fact that Bryan's now dead. If I rambled on in great detail about how it happened, none of it would be very relevant. The fact he's face down in a puddle is, however, a fairly crucial point. view book

Hi Andrea, I was on the lookout for some weekly 'top-rated' Lit Fic and was so taken by your brilliant title, cover image, and intriguing pitch that I had to add this to my watchlist right away . . . I've now put the kettle on (tea helps me concentrate) with the sole intention of commenting as I read. I think it's likely you may draw some comparisons with Pixar's Toy Story, but LDTOI certainly 'sounds' different enough to make them worthwhile.

I do like the setup/idea for having a Prologue all-but-in-name which directly addresses the reader. This is a neat Literary trick, and one I'm happily starting to come across. Very first sentence you have a sublime comparison between unthinking children and unseeing adults. Love this! I also love your mention of mental health services alongside 'medical' and 'social.'

My initial thought is one of wonderment and bewilderment at the same time. I'm already reminiscing about Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium, whilst asking myself how the likes of Dr. Mendel and Ms. Levin came to realise that toys need as much help as they do hope. It's not a bizarre premise, but it does make me feel slightly miffed about them. I certainly have a beloved (orange with white paws) 'big' bear from childhood . . .

Sadly, though, he doesn't talk back.

Okay, Chapter One seems verrry long, and in your first paragraph I don't understand 'landmarks missionaries' or 'Status Quo Ho.' Your description of Bobo is beautiful, and I'd strongly consider starting things off with his appearance as the preceding paragraph really doesn't do much for me. I also love how you inform the reader what the hand-stenciled sign says, and then tell us Bobo's unable to read. A small stroke of genius there.

The thought of a bear who requires a walking stick and has to work his stuffing through the slack spots (in order to reshape himself), is also ingenius. Your wording of 'the odd stretching sensation it produced in his mind' is quite delightful. Then we have this idea of Bobo running about with his elbows flapping, before he hides himself inside the vending machine. Good imagery there.

I thought your description of Bobo's encounter with the dirty faced boy was exquisite - especially the following paragraph, 'Children are to be feared, as well as loved.' There's so much to like here, the way you structure an entire descriptive sentence, before Bobo's acute observation that his paws are covered in crud. Such a simple thing; using a bucket to climb upto the sink, yet your phrasing of this occurrence is wonderfully sublime.

I did laugh out loud when you said he ran the hot-air blower for 37 cycles. Hilarious!

Now this might be taking satire to new heights, but having an Indian desk clerk with a hard-to-pronounce name is sooo inspired, I almost want to applaud you for effort. And, of course, he has to say his name twice for re-iteration. The way Bobo talks and interacts with people is, for lack of any better words, heart warming. He's such an emphatic little character that I can't imagine any reader(s) not rooting for him from the very start.

Your entire conversation about Bobo signing in, whether or not he's literate etc, plays out in such a deadpan way as to make them both seem even more believable. I have to say that a self-conscious trouble-making rabbit with buck teeth is about all I can take in one sitting. Your ideas just seem to flow and flow and flow with such effortlessness, I can't help but wonder where on earth they come from. What a nasty rabbit he is!

Andrea, I'm aware that I've already written more than I was intending to, and I'm only halfway through the first Chapter. I will give this full stars, and shelve it, as it's a work of outstanding quality, and I can't believe you haven't had this published already . . . Please consider splitting that first Chapter though!

All the best,

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Hi Robert, firstly I'd like to apologise for taking a while to get to you, but I've had other reads to return/catch up on. For your long pitch, I would suggest breaking it into paragraphs and ditching the part about the coded ciphers. Readers on a site like this don't need to know that your story contains puzzles. I like the idea of a Scottish setting and all of the fantasy/mythology that goes along with it.

As far as the Prologue goes I'd suggest ditching all the 'this book has been published' copyright stuff. It just gets in the way. By all means put it on your profile page though. I love the rhyming prologue, however, and your creation of the Scottish deity of writers and poets.

I like how you start things off with Karistina's dream of the fighting Dragons. It quickly seems as though she exists within a land of yore; reminds me a little of Tales From Earthsea too, although I've not actually read the books. You do a nice job of describing Karistina's fear as she awakes from the dream.

I like the tone of your narrator and the prose itself flows without any hindrance. Typically, Karistina has all the apprehension of a teenage girl who's been moved away from 'the only home she's ever known.' There's nothing wrong with that, but it has been done to death. At least here the setting's quite different though.

I'm fairly sure that when using the name wyvern (for a Dragon like beast) it's spealt with y and not an i. I love the word 'angrifying' the whole dialogue exchange between Karistina and her Gram is a joy to read. You do have a few minor punctuation errors, I'm loathe to point them out though because the story's really good.

You have a strong descriptive voice when describing places/settings etc, but without an actual map diagram, I'm finding it a little difficult to place them. Towards the end you set yourself up with a good opportunity for the attack of the cerise dragon, but I feel it isn't followed through. Karistina's panic amounts to a single line.

And then, quite suddenly, she's being pulled out of the stream by an older boy. Parents should have an apostrophe both for parent's land and parent's house. You do have a strong ending with the appearance of James and it certainly made me want to read on to find out more.

I also like the fact that the dragons make an appearance so early on. This is an enjoyable tale and one which I think should appeal to your target genres. It seems different enough to set itself apart from the likes of Christopher Paolini's Eragon trilogy (although again, I've not read the books).

Already watchlisted and I will be starring highly!

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

CWOG/YARG Review:

Mike, my usual process for writing reviews is to carefully note comments as I go . . . But I didn't feel the need to do this with Arrival of the Ageless (having already read some of What, the Elf). Immediately I'm reminded of Zombieland, and, of course, The Faculty. You have a knack for pacing and the dialogue certainly works in your favour. Unfortunately, I can't help longing for a bit more background information and/or character setup.

That stems from a feeling that whilst you're straight into the action in your opening Chapter, there's no sort of pretense . . . Why are these zombies here? How did the outbreak occur? Why is it affecting their teachers? I also found myself getting a little confused trying to recall who's who. The creepy kid's Trevor, but why doesn't Humphries have a first name? I love the general tone/theme, however, and you write in an easy-to-read style.

I would say that Chapter One is owned by Emily and Humphries, in terms of characterisation. Trevor doesn't get much of a look in, and Desmond's silence doesn't do the reader any favours. I'd prefer it if he was the exact opposite - and way TOO vocal about his traumatic escape. Like the guy in Cloverfield who can never shut up. (Whilst I'm on a roll, the mention of household weapons also brought to mind the Dead Rising videogame(s)).

Don't take any of this the wrong way though . . . There's a HUGE market for well written, young adult, zombie yarns at the moment, and it's only growing. What I would say, is comics/graphic novels aside, there aren't a huge number of young adult, zombie yarns out there . . . As far as I know.

I haven't read enough to give a rating yet, but I'll be back for another Chapter over the weekend.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Hi Aba, I wasn't quite sure what to make of Choices as it probably wouldn't be my usual type of read (even though I do enjoy some Literary Fiction). I'd suggest listing a couple of other genres, just so people won't necessarily be put off by the 'Literary' tag.

I know some people have picked up on overlong paragraphs, but I'd say that's the norm for introspective, character driven story telling. Literary Fiction is far more about 'form' than it is about 'function.' I would, however, also suggest that you don't italicise your dialogue. Use italics for words that require extra emphasis, or which you'd like the reader to consider more carefully. Not for dialogue.

Starting with Something Borrowed - you have a sublime, fantastic description of the hotel lobby; in particular 'so lush it made you feel like you were walking on thickly packed raspberry snow.' Excellent! I also really like 'The chandeliers glittered in Morse code . . . ' There are a couple of places where you lose me to the lofty language, difficult word choices and general over wordiness.

That's more observation than criticism though, because I encountered the same problem whilst reading Alan Hollinghurst's The Line of Beauty and Jamie O'Neill's truly exceptional At Swim, Two Boys. I love your character's appraisal of the woman across the street, and how he eventually surmises that she can't possibly be a street worker, for reasons associated with Nigeria's prosperous capital. He's a little James Bond in that sense . . .

Aba, your writing is so polished (and I use this word a lot) it's hard to criticise or find any fault with your prose. This story reminds me very much of Dave Eggers' You Shall Know Our Velocity, albeit done in a very different way. You write in such an intriguing style, and with such an engaging tone of voice, that it's hard not to feel mesmerised by it.

The dialogue between our unnamed Narrator and his night-cap Imposter is an absolute pleasure to read. You had me with every word of their exchange. The questions he asks of himself (on the flight home) are all perfectly valid, and offer ample opportunity for any reader to draw their own conclusions. Is our mystery man morally grey, or are there more aspects to his personality we haven't been informed about yet?

My difficulty in reading on actually lies in identifying with your MC. He's clearly from a wealthy/privileged background and yet, once he gets home, it no longer presents him with any kind of 'real' meaning. I don't dispute there are people from high-flying backgrounds who give it all up due to a lack of personal contentment; it just feels a little forced in this instance. As though his new found conscience has crept up and tapped him on the shoulder without any introduction.

I've carried on reading, and once the 'new couple' are settled back in Dublin, the MC does seem to go on a bit of a rambling spree. It's all good, well written, highly readable etc etc, but there's a change in tone which I found a little jarring. Yes, Amina no doubt comes from an impoverished background, it just seems as though he's trying to give too much creedence to his new 'wife' and 'false' marriage. Almost as though he constantly has to convince himself it's the right thing.

You have such a lengthy part 1 that you might want to consider separating it into two separate parts. I can't really offer you any further criticism or helpful comments at this stage, as I'm no Literary expert. I'd be surprised, though, if you couldn't get this snapped up by an agent . . . To be perfectly honest, this style of writing has a tendency to make my head spin. It isn't for everyone, but it is very, very well written.

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book

Chapter Two, as far as I can tell you've reworked the dialogue between Tommy, Mary, and Tommy's mother. Again, it reads much better now and Tommy's Mum doesn't appear to be quite so off-the-chain manic. I love - His alcohol breath hit Mary like a sonic boom. Uncle Frank's comment regarding Tommy's Dad getting happy at Happy Dan's Happy Animal Farm is hilarious!

I also love your description of Uncle Frank's cowboy-styled bedroom. This Chapter seems to have a few different things going on. There's the conversation with Uncle Frank, followed by mention of his homeless brother, the early part involving Tommy's Mum, and then the re-emergence of Shari Blari. There's a lot of dialogue to take in, but maybe a bit more description would allow for some convenient rest spots.

I would echo Lynn's comment that the story does feel a little all over the place. I think you could rectify this by maybe cutting the Shari Blari part, or adding it to a later Chapter. You need to give your reader's a chance to digest different parts without feeling as though they're being bombarded with too much information at once. This is merely my opinion though, Andy. I've only read the first Two Chapters so don't be discouraged!

All the best,

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday

view book

CWOG/YARG Review:

Hi Andrew, I remember commenting on your book yonks ago, but I'm fairly sure you will have made quite a few changes by now. Overall I enjoyed the story and felt it was in need of just a bit more polish/refining. I hope you've found the CWOG/YARG groups to be helpful in any case.

Fantastic first line. One small point though, the first eight lines are displaying in blue text rather than black. Really like your reference to Ishmael too. Mrs. Finemine - great name! Really geeky description of Tommy's appearance. Nice touch also re them getting stuck on a Ferris Wheel ride. You seem to have gained a lighter tone within the narrative itself and it shines through. I would change 'embarrassing' to embarrassed.

Boris Babamski, haha, another great name, love the idea of setting off a malfunctioning robot bomb in a crowded restaurant! The comical exchange(s) between Tommy and Mary are excellent, you've given them strong voices and captured their age almost perfectly. I'd change "Uncle Frank is roboticist . . . " to "Uncle Frank's A roboticist . . . " Tommy's response to cloud watching - "Whoopee do. Water vapor." is near priceless.

One other small point, look out for typos, 'hear' should be "That's the most ridiculous thing I ever HEARD of . . . " You have a much better (and more realistic) description of Shari Blari feeding the raccoon's outside her house. I'm glad you decided to ditch wolves and bears here. Your dialogue seems to flow a lot better, especially when Tommy and Mary are talking about their parents. Be careful not to overdo their arguing though.

Great ending to Chapter One, I can see you've put in a lot of work to make some significant changes and it really shows, Andy. view book

YARG, CWOG, BHCG

I read all five chapters and backed this book because it had a strong voice. Bryan definitely reminds me of the ruffians I met while helping to put a roof above Baker Street Station. It also brought back memories of the time I spent in a London homeless shelter and others I’ve stayed in throughout America (mostly Seattle.) Bryan is different from his associates, though, in that he sees beyond his world and observes the commonalities among all realms of human existence. And in his own twisted way, Bryan is sensitive. He’s a mugger but won’t mug old people. That being said, he’s not nearly as sympathetic as Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye. He is, after all, a thief and a mugger and I find myself completely unmoved that he’s dead. In that state, neither he nor any of his potential victims will have to suffer. As for the pitch, I thought the first paragraph was enough. The other two paragraphs confuse the story’s essence with details. Overall, though, I like this book’s literary stretch from a decadent realm.

Andrew

Hi Andy, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my book, can't thank you enough for the backing too. I've tried to give Bryan his own voice, one which matches his circumstances.

Yes, he's a (reformed) mugger and a thief, but he does what it takes to get by. I've never read Catcher in the Rye, although I know it has a similar theme/voice. I really want Bryan to be his own person though.

I think perhaps the further I delve into his background, the more sympathy you might find for him. Half the point of the story is Bryan coming to realise that his actions are hardly ever without consequence. view book

CWOG/YARG Review:

Hi Ryanne, now *this* is an interesting premise for a Fantasy story. It sort of takes me back to my childhood when The Neverending Story was always shown around Christmas. I know you're writing for children here, but since most of your readers are going to be adults, the text size is a little too big for my liking. I would also Ditch the 'Part 1' and upload your first Chapter in a way which allows the reader to immediately delve in.

You have a nice opening, although I thought Shyra was a very unsusual name. Love how the shimmer turns to a glimmer, and then a glow, and a Pixie flies out. I really like your premise, more so, because it gives you a whole wealth of fantastical characters to choose from. I also like the chatty tone of the narrator, which seems to fit perfectly. Captain Falcon - such a great name for a Pirate! One set of EARS and EYES.

Chapter Two - I'm glad Ellen stops to at least think about the Pixie's proposition. You have a wonderful knack for storytelling which is neither intrusive or overdone. I think it comes off very well in fact. Like your description of the Pixie attack on Ellen. "I thought we were friends!" Indeed. Be careful with words like 'incredulously' as a child might not understand them.

Chapter Three - Is Shyra a literal step behind them? Or a step behind them as in she's tracking them down? I do wonder whether an eleven-year-old would read out loud to a gathering of her stuffed animals. The conversation between Annabelle and Shyra does seem a bit stilted here. I wonder whether you could inject the dialogue/conversation with a bit more pizazz? Otherwise this is neatly written and intruging.

I don't want to be too critical in my comments as I can see other people have pointed out things to look at/pick up on. I would echo Laura's comment by saying that editing is paramount to a well written Children's book. I've struggled with this myself, so be sure to change what needs changing and check your spelling, punctuation, grammar, tense etc to the nth degree.

There's nothing wrong with being willful and anarchic in your writing, but you need to make sure your Characters can carry the story. So far, I wouldn't say (aside from the Pixie) they have enough of a background to really make them interesting or stand out. Have you read any Artemis Fowl by Ioin Colfer? Strongly recommend you check his books out!

All the best,

Ben - An Ordinary Sunday view book