Hey, you have an interesting idea here, and I think it has some definite potential. I thought the diary at the beginning was a very good hook, however I think it needs to be tightened. For instance the language doesn't seem to be consistent. It seems to jump back and forth between intellectual formal language and casual (such as "no-brainer'). This also a very evident first draft, with many spelling and grammatical errors and other inconsistencies. However, the story is engaging and you pull readers in well in the first chapter. Good idea. Love the title. If you are serious about publishing it, though, you need to fine tune it and find ways to say things in the simplest way possible. First drafts are often heavily over-written. If you tune it up, I think it is a marketable book idea. Best of luck to you.

Stephen Andrew -- The Guardians of Ocean City view book

I was planning on only setting this on my shelf to get back to later. But the clips of writing within your plot summary were so good, I went ahead and read the first chapter. Very, very good emotive writing. You balance detail and recollection of Dani within the context of the hunt expertly. This is quality literary writing in the realm of Cormac McCarthy and Louise Erdrich that should be published.

All the best,
Stephen Andrew (The Guardians of Ocean City) view book

I'm impressed David. And I rarely say that on here. So I do mean that. You have a unique, too-the-point voice to be envied. And you bring a believable child-like innocence to this story. Understatement, I've found, can be infinitely powerful. And you have used it brilliantly here. You're a good writer and I wish you all the best. You deserve great things with this.
Good luck,
Stephen view book

This is a very good story you have going here. Your knowledge of history is evident, though I don't think I would explain everything, but rather let the stories show a glimpse of the history. There is a lot here. Your dedication is clear. I would encourage you as David Brett did to shorten it. I've been told by published authors that the early drafts involve a lot of overwriting to figure out the story. Then it must be cut back so that the story can be told the best way. I've been doing this a lot with my work and I think it has helped a lot. It has astounded me the things that, once they were out, I could see that they were slowing the story down and not helping it. Make sure to show, not tell. Find ways to say things in the best, which is often the simplest, way.

All the best,
Stephen view book

You have a very interesting premise here. But I get the feeling it could be executed better. The dialogue is rather stale, too forced. I didn't see anything. I didn't feel a sense of place at the beginning at all. If Satan prefers to be called Asmodeus, why do you refer to him as Satan, yet you introduce him as Asmodeus. He became uninteresting to me as soon as he became referred to consistently as Satan. The metropolis is a great idea. "Below us was alive with movement" is awkward. Rephrase it. There's a lot of telling and not enough showing in the first chapter. You have a great imagination. Let it go. It feels like you're holding back. Paint this world for us. We want to see it. I want to see Asmodeus.
This is all meant to be constructive, so please don't take offense. Like I said, really like the premise.

All the best to you and your writing,
Stephen view book

Rob,
You've got something here. A few nitpicks. There are several instances of excess wordiness (I do the same a lot, as my creative writing professor like to point out to me all too often). For instance in the sentence where the steward retrieves the empty bottles, it would be easier and smoother to say "The stewardess collected the empty mini-bottles that had accumulated and gave him a reassuring smile." I've never been to Guyana (so this could be nothing at all), but none of the airports I've been to allow smoking in baggage claim. And whenever I've flown internationally, immigration is the first stop, prior to baggage claim.
Try to avoid adverbs when possible. They weaken good writing. Just describe the action.
Now for the good stuff. This is strong writing. It's quick and easy to read. I especially enjoyed the use of dialect with Shivnarine. I could hear the voice and that's what I like.
You develop tension quickly, which is a must, yet you do it subtly. No one likes the tension thrown in their faces. So good job. It all points to good, exciting and interesting things to come.

All the best to you,
Stephen ~The Guardians~ view book

I had to yet to find a story on here that I was like, "Wow! What a great, original story."
That has changed. This is great. The premise is brilliant. I wish I had thought of it.
The dialogue felt natural and the pacing was good. The short sentences really intensify the action.
The only thing I questioned was whether the earthquake shouldn't have been more intense. Maybe overturning the MRI, destroying the room. After all the trauma is what initiates what is to come. But that is just my thoughts.
Loved it and backed happily.

Stephen Andrew view book

thanks for your input Jared. I looked at that dialogue between the short one and Drove and I totally agree with you. unneeded clarification of the speaker. thanks.
the space and space was intentional to emphasize the nothingness and despair that he himself was feeling.

Really Appreciate it.
Stephen Andrew

This definitely has a mystical, comic book, super hero feel to it. It's a premise that will appeal widely to the YA genre. The tension you weave early on in this book sets the tone well. Kale seems to be a very compelling character, easy to feel for, relate to his emotions as he struggles with Elyse's death and later her funeral.

Love the descriptive prose - "crimson stream pouring from Elyse's side" / "blood dripped...fading from red to grey to translucent" / "gashes spilled crimson dyes...splattering a crude form of artwork on the ground" - you've charged this with a great amount of electricity in your descriptions. I also love the peppering of short, staccato sentences - they add a nice cadence and rhythm to the read.

Couple of things I noted as I read... In paragraphs 6/7 you've got "Kale heard the short one say" - then follow it up with "the tall one named Drove" That second part seemed redundant to me. You know it's Drove that is responding, and obviously he is the tall one. I would either say "growled Drove" or "growled the tall one." Not a big deal either way, just a random thought.

In paragraph 9 - you've got "lightyears of space and space and nothingness." Did you mean that second "and space" to be there?

Later on... Kale turned to stare into the void. "I couldn't kill him, Jace. I had him.... Then it looks like there's a new paragraph, with no beginning quotation mark. I think you need to backspace this into one paragraph, since Kale is doing all the talking.

All in all, I see huge potential for this fantasy thriller - both in the YA audience and beyond. Very polished, nicely written. Backed with pleasure!

Jared
Mummy's Boy

view book

I love good sci-fi. But I never read, usually just films. But I really like this. The brief prologue sucked me right in. Your vocab and voice fits the genre well. And the technology and machines feel very believable.
Well done. Backed.

Stephen Andrew view book