Hi Richard,
Here at last my crit of Aracelis, this is obviously only my opinion so use or discard as you see fit.
I love the concept, that the Time Weavers can give you ideas while you sleep.
Prologue: This was a good introduction to the idea of Aracelis inducing dreams and planting thoughts while you sleep seen through the eyes of Karen who’s only pretending to be asleep.
I jumped to chapter 5 as the first three or four chapters had been looked at by others.
Chapter 5
I liked the descriptions here, the sound of the sonic boom and its affects making animals scatter and people wonder what it was. I had got the impression Aracelis was in the desert though and there wasn’t anyone else around. You tend to over describe sometimes – the barren, hot, desert valley floor- if it is the desert I would cut valley and swap hot and barren around I think it would flow better – the hot, barren, desert floor- There were 2 or 3 other places I felt it would flow better if you swapped a couple of words around – the afternoon, blue sky- is a bit clunky I think it might read better as –the blue afternoon sky- I find I do this a lot too, I pick up on it when I read it back out loud.
You also tend to repeat words and phrases in the same paragraphs and occasionally in the same sentence, this slows the pace down as well. ie –made their way back to the three sisters: stopping, hovering close to the three sisters- I think you could lose the second three sisters here.
I loved Uncle Zappo and the image of him and the three girls sharing his experiments was good. It was obvious the girls really liked their uncle and you get the impression they tease him a bit in a good natured way. It comes across well that Aracelis is probably the more mature and responsible of the three girls.
You use exclamation marks and ellipsis a lot. I was told to cut these out as much as possible, exclamation marks should only be used if someone is shouting very loud or something is extremely shocking. I think this also goes for words in capitals, they tend to indicate that someone is shouting very loudly and should be avoided. I love ellipsis, but I read an article by an editor saying you should avoid using them, so I tried to cut a lot of mine out (I have still got far too many in though).
Towards the end of the chapter you repeated the words Amp board and ‘the line’ quite a lot which again slowed the pace. The line was also highlighted with “speech marks”. I think you need to use ‘apostrophe marks’ or italics instead.
I got a bit confused when Aracelis was having trouble with her board, I found it difficult to follow the action here.
There seemed to be quite a few big gaps between lines which made it hard to work out where the paragraphs started and ended, but this may have happened when you uploaded it.
This is a lovely appealing story; I shall definitely go back and read it all from the beginning
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Hi Sam,

Here are my thoughts on The Binding please use or ignore as you see fit.

Your pitch had me interested straight away, it promises the sort of story i like to read and after having read the 5 chapters you’ve uploaded i wasn’t disappointed.

Eliza comes across as a strong character who’s so determined not to fall victim to the binding that she hides out in a dangerous, wolf and bear infested forest. As such i find it hard to believe that she didn’t carry some kind of weapon with her or have them stashed in the clearing to protect herself, even if it was just a homemade spear. Wouldn’t her friend Adam who is obviously in on her hiding have helped her acquire some kind of protection?
I wondered whether her family knew she had fallen victim to the curse, i don’t think that was made clear. If they didn’t know, why had she not told them? If they did know, why was she hiding? Could they have not helped her by locking her away for the night?
Also she tells Ryan she’s running away from home, but she doesn’t have a bag or any possessions and he doesn’t ask if she has or think it’s strange she hasn’t.
Lastly i felt perhaps Eliza cursed the goddess a little bit too much. I would be inclined to cut a few of the goddesses out or maybe give her a bigger repertoire of curses.

These were the few small niggles i could think of in an exciting and compelling story. I’m looking forward to reading some more and have placed this on my shelf.
Best wishes
Lindsey
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Hi Sandie,
As promised weeks ago here is my critique of The Crown of Crysaldor. Please feel free to discount anything you don't like or don't agree with as these are only my opinions.
Chapter 1
I felt using the 'ing' words here took the edge of what was a dramatic start perhaps instead of clanging you could have used clash of swords or scrape and juddering? perhaps juddered or vibrated.
The heckling cheering from the horde of spectators threatened to drown out their shouts and roars that cut through the air. I'm sorry this didn't make sense to me.
I liked the descriptions of the sweat and blood, Dorin struck me as a nasty piece of work i hope that's what you wanted.The inhabitants started to forget... sentence doesn't quite sit right for me. I noticed you do what i do and use ! to much, you only need it when some one is shouting very loudly and even then think twice. Also your font keeps changing but i'm imagining that was unintentional.
Chapter 2
I liked your descriptions here.
"It's a box," she said assuming Talibar was asking... the reader will assume Ana is looking at the box so you don't need to mention that.
Again you say swords clanging, the clash of their swords sounds better to me. Where you say she explained almost to herself, i felt commented or just plain said would be more correct.
I felt chapter 2 flowed much better than chapter 1, it feels like your getting into your stride more.
Chapter 3
!?! i think is overdoing it slightly :) even though Ana is very shocked. How old is Talibar? Is he human? he is obviously well over 1 hundred years old. You may explain this later but if not i feel it needs an explanation.
You put 'She heard as he walked into the cottage' perhaps she heard her mother call or a voice call as she entered the cottage? How are they able to afford such a horse if he is magnificent? they don't come across as rich and no matter what age you live in such horses are prized and expensive.
Chapter 4
Right, i'm going to turn into a total anorak here. I feel if you're going to describe something in detail you really need to know alot about it. With something as popular as horse riding i think it's essential you get the descriptions right. A lot of your readers are going to be riders and even though it's fantasy you need to get the basics right. Before getting on your horse you should always check your girth (the strap that holds the saddle on) because if it's loose your saddle will slip. both hands need to be on the front of the saddle if ones on the back it's in the way. You gather your reins, never shake them at your horse he won't like it. To make him move forward squeeze him with your legs and nudge him with your heels. First pace is walk, then trot or i think the americans call this lope (this is the bumpy pace where you have to rise and fall in time with his movement). Next it's canter which is much smoother and easier to sit to, then gallop which is fast. With the best will in the world even a born natural would have trouble mastering all of this after only a few minutes. I'm sure Ana would learn as she travelled but it's hard to believe she could do that much that quick without some kind of magic intervention.
You have a great imagination and i think with some tidying this will make a great story. Your descriptions where good, but be careful not to get too bogged down with loads of description and not get on with the story, another problem i have too.
I hope this was helpful, as i said before please discount anything you don't like this is just my opinion.
Lindsey
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Fools of a Broken Land is an interesting read, it is clearly written and easily transports you into the world of it's characters. there are alot of characters to get to know which i found a little confusing at first, but they are bought to life easily without any long winded descriptions.
A couple of observations i noted while reading the prologue; in one paragraph you wrote The King three times, i felt it would flow better if you used he the second and third time. Where you say 'the hall's great double doors' you could drop 'the hall' it would still make sense. There were a few other typos and grammar mistakes, but nothing an edit wouldn't sort out. Personally i felt it may be an idea to tell each characters story more fully, with maybe a chapter each before moving on to the next character, as i got a bit lost at times as you jumped from character to character. These are just my personal thoughts though.
This is an intriguing story that is well written and i'm sure you will do well with it.
It's starred and on my WL Good luck with it
Lindsey
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I have read three chapters so far and i'm loving it, Amalia is very real and likeable and the story hooks you in straight away. All my children lined their teddies up around their beds just like Amalia and one still does despite being a teenager now. I'm looking forward to reading more, well done and good luck,
Starred and on my WL
Lindsey
Vortex view book

This is a well thought out fast paced story that has you gripped right from the start. Sari is feisty and likeable, the rest of the characters are well defined and believable.On my WL, i will be back for more, well done.
Lindsey
Vortex view book

I have just read the first chapter of Kate and my heart goes out to this couple and their brave children already. I like a majority of people know very little of Cystic Fibrosis or Autism and a book like this can only raise awareness of such conditions and the every day struggles of those living with them. A very brave and honest story, well done and good luck with it.
Lindsey
Vortex view book

Wow, very cleverly written and thought provoking stuff. It's a little over my head as i am a simple being, i have put this on my WL as i am going to have to read it again. It feels like a puzzle that needs unlocking and that will take me time.
Well done and good luck with this.
Lindsey
Vortex view book

I have just finished the sixth chapter of The Awakening and i can't wait to read the rest. This is one of the very best I've read on Authonomy so far.The story is original and the characters are believably real. I particularly liked the MC, Alex, you really feel his pain and loneliness. It is so beautifully written you don't want to stop reading, desperate to find out what's going to happen next, where the story's going to take you.
It will be a crime if this doesn't make it to number 1, i can't wait to buy this as a published book, which i'm sure i will be doing very soon.
Best wishes
Lindsey view book

Not my usual read, but i was intrigued by the pitch, an interesting idea for a story. I wasn't disappointed, the characters are very real and the writer portrays them well. I liked the idea of Les not knowing how to use the computer. the narrative has a nice pace to it and holds your attention. Have given stars and added this to my WL. will come back and read more.
Good luck with this
Lindsey
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Hi Traci,
This is really well written, you are immediately drawn in to the story, the characters are well defined and believable. This is one of the best i've read so far.
I am sure you will do well with this.
Lindsey
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Hi Emily,
I have enjoyed reading the first chapter of this, Cassidy comes across well, i found her likeable and funny. i have put it on my WL and will read some more soon.
Good luck
Lindsey
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Hi Anna,
I have now read to the end of chapter 4.
This so well written, it holds your attention and draws you into the story. The characters come across well rounded and real. It really deserves to go all the way so i'm backing it and will keep reading.
Good luck
Lindsey
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Hi Anna
I have read your first chapter and was captivated the descriptions really pull you into the story. i thought the first paragraph was great. have given you loads of stars and put you on my WL will read some more later when i have more time.
Lindsey
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Hi Brooke,
i have only read half of your first chapter as i haven't a lot of time at the moment. The story line is fast paced and exciting it hooks you in straight away. i loved the bit about twilight at the beginning i could just imagine them sat around giggling. You can definitely feel the girls fear when the men break in.
A few pointers that sprang to mind; one of the girls says (or was it Ivy thinking?) "But they said 'her' not 'it'. i looked back but i couldn't find the bit where the men say 'her'. When they wake at 6am in a field without coats weren't they cold? Don't be afraid to say how your characters are feeling, what they can hear, see etc. it helps build the picture for the reader. Also i skipped the bit about her meeting her boyfriend, because as much as i wanted to know about that it didn't seem the right place to be reading it. The story had been moving along relatively fast and that sort of applied the brakes. Perhaps you could try moving that bit to a place where the pace is a bit slower.
I hope this is helpful, i think it's a really good story and i'm putting it on my watch list so i can read more when i get a moment.
Best wishes and good luck
Lindsey
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Hi steve
I have just finished chapter four of The Avenging Buddha and am really happy to back it. i found it easy to read and the characters come across as believable and rounded. The story is moving along well and the only reason i've stopped reading at this point is i really need to get on with some housework :(.
Best wishes I'm sure this will go all the way.
Lindsey view book

Hi Steve,
Just wanted to say thank you for backing 'Vortex' It's scary putting your work out there for people to read and a big thrill when some one thinks enough of it to back it. I will be uploading more chapters soon.
I have added your book to my watch list (as i'm a bit snowed under today) and will read it later. The pitch sounds really interesting.
Thanks again
Lindsey view book

Hi.
I have read the first five chapters of your book and am enjoying it, fantasy is my favourite genre. The story is intriguing and i was immediately interested in the characters and what was happening to them. If i had to find a criticism it would be there are a few places where words had been missed or needed punctuating. For example; in chapter 4 'he waited for sarus to tethered jasper before.' 'These are only tiny quibbles that don't detract from the story and only need a little fine tune editing. i have added your book to my watch list and will definitely be back to read some more.
If you get time i would be really grateful if you could check out my book 'Vortex' and let me know what you think.
Thanks
Lindsey view book

Hi,
Have just read your prologue and first chapter, what a great start, can't wait to read the rest. I have put it on my bookshelf and am looking forward to reading the rest.
Lindseyp view book

Hi,

Started to read this and got to chapter 3 but had to stop because it was getting so late! will definitely be coming back to read the rest. It's not my normal type of book to read, but it got me hooked right from the start. It is really well written and very engaging.From what i have read so far I am more than happy to back this book and i am sure it's going to do well.

Lindseyp view book