Gerry,

Gerry Gerry Gerry,

"Loser" is amazing! You remind me of a more muscular Robert Rankin by way of Elmore Leonard. I love your noirish overture and sci-fi parodying undertones, in some ways this even reminds me of my own book "No Excuse Bruce." It is exactly the kind of story I want to read :)

Your writing is pacy, poetic and hilarious as well as technically excellent. I would love to proffer forth a correction or two but it is also extremely well edited.

Have you only written up to Chapter 5 or are you holding out on us? I want more, i'm addicted man! "Loser" is the crack of Authonomy, hehe.

Keep up the good work, I'd love to know what you think of "No Excuse Bruce" too if you get a chance. Six stars and I shall recommend you too :)

Dave view book

Wow, what just happened! I popped on here for a couple of minutes, thought I should check "Mr Unusually" out and ended up reading the first ten chapters straight up! I'm just going to say a couple things while I remember them and then read on :)

First off, your premise is excellent, but it is in your execution that you really shine. Your world is so vivid, your descriptive passages pulling you into the world with every sense catered for, the sights, the sounds, the smells, I still feel like I'm sat in the big top on a hard wooden bench! Hehe.

Your characters are particularly strong and their voices sound natural. Ma Ziping is my favourite character so far, great dialogue :)

Your writing is enfused with humour and dramatic flourishes and your pacing is perfect; the slightly longer opening chapters set the scene and then give way to shorter, action packed chapters that drive the stories momentum as the plot picks up pace. The ending paragraphs of Chapters 3 and 4 are particularly masterful, the diagetic soundtrack mirroring the action at the end of 4 and "In dreams, your fears find you, your sadness catches you, and there is no hiding place." at the end of 3 is strangely beautiful.

In short, yes, yes, yes Sharda, this is an excellent manuscript and it deserves to be published. You get six stars and any help that you want from me to promote this :) For now though, I shall read on... view book

Hi Dave,

Read the first five chapters. It was seriously good before and now it is seriously better. I love it. The changes have made a big improvement in terms of pacing and getting the story into top gear. And you still have the funkiest, mind-blowing opening chapter on here. And it does its job so well because as the Bruce VT story gets going, the reader is lost in wonder at how it will dovetail with those damned torpedoes!

And the use of language is a delight - very clever, very effective and very stylish. The phrasing is so crisp and the thing I like the most is the writing has a great 'beat'.

The short chapters are another big positive and really suit the book.

As you know, I'm a big fan, so in my view there is very little to fault. There are some formatting issues and minor punctuation errors (man's instead of mans, building's instead of buildings for instance) , but these don't detract and are easy fixed.

If I was being harsh the only area that I think could do with a tweak is the dialogue, especially where it is longer than one sentence. Some of it doesn't quite sound right to my ear; as if it doesn't always fit the character that is speaking. But what do I know?

Overall this is a brilliant piece of writing and a mesmerising story.

If you played the game it would be a worthy ED contender.

I will work my way through the other chapters.

I salute you, Sir!

Terry

Wow, thank you Terry, high praise indeed! I'm really glad you're enjoying it more this time around, I made those changes to make it flow better from the beginning :)

I'm taking on board your comments on errant apostrophes and the dialogue, I think it could do with a final simplification, some of the dialogue does feel a bit overwritten compared to the descriptive prose.

I'd love to hear what you think of the rest of the story, there are lots of twists and turns before the end. I am about to "play the game" for real, i'm aiming for the ED!

Thank you again for your excellent criticism and encouraging words, you've really spurred me on!

Cheers Terry :) view book

Hey Roy, just reread the first chapter of "Bad Men" so I can give you a little feedback, more to come.

First off, I applaud your choice of perspective, first person is tough to master and you have done it justice. The depth of your descriptive writing is also great, although sometimes I feel like there's a little too much and it detracts from the fast paced action, for instance when describing guns. Although it does build the character well, Risk is obviously a gun nut, it can be a little overcooked.

Your dialogue is excellent and fitting, terse and perfect for the action. I also really like your beginning in the doctors, it gets you into Risk's mindset early on :)

A couple things to watch; there are lots of instances of you using "the" instead of "they," and "to" instead of "too," ie "to fast" should be "too fast." This is the bane of spellcheck, but is easy enough to remedy. Also in the "Mac" section, you refer to him once as "Mack." Little inconsistencies like this can put off potential publishers.

On the whole though, this is a sterling effort and I will definitely read on and give you more feedback in the next few days. Good stuff indeed :) view book

YARG Review:

Hi David,

I have to admit it's difficult to know what to make of a talking torpedo - it's certainly, well different. I love the prologue and the characterisation of these *machines*. I did get slightly confused about TR77-814 slowing down after the explosion. Surely, at close range, it would have sped up in order to avoid it's own demise?

The sentence - Freedom wouldn't seem so lonely without them - also seems a bit misplaced. Are you saying that without his brothers, 814 won't be lonely? I like the idea of not intelligent machines so much (let's face it, it's been done to death), but machines that are able to make their own choice.

This is interesting, I love the character name for Bruce Von Toose. Very Terry Pratchett esque. I also think (as with most YA novels) that sticking to relatively short chapters is a good idea. You have a good premise, at this point however, the dialogue seems a little too brief. Perhaps the phone conversation could play out a bit more?

Okay, scratch the dialogue comment. I was trying to deduce how your writing style reads and then I got it . . . The noir tone fits almost perfectly; I'm not a fan of the genre, but it does make you stand out. I could easily say 'Oh, No Excuse Bruce' that's a book by David Sealey. Exactly what you want!

You nailed it with Bruce's excuses to Jimmy (Mother in hospital, lunch hour rush), but the line about Jimmy's mother didn't seem appropriate. I'd leave it at 'I'll be two minutes!'

This is light, easy reading, and I'd be happy to read more. Don't ask why, but I'm reminded of the Japanese anime series Cowboy Bebop (it has a massive cult following). I think your book will appeal to young adults who like something unsual . . . I enjoyed the read and will also rate highly.

Thanks,

Ben - The Frogness of Being

Cheers for the great feedback Ben! I'll take your comments on board, thanks for picking out the line about Jimmy's mother, that doesn't sit right with me either, I think I'll give it the chop :)

I really like your comparisons with Terry Pratchett and Cowboy Bebop, I love both so maybe some of it snuck in through my subconscious, hehe.

Thank you for your kind words "I could easily say 'Oh, No Excuse Bruce' that's a book by David Sealey. Exactly what you want!" That is exactly what I want indeed, I think I've found my narrative voice. Did you finish the story? There are a lot of twists and turns.

I like the sound of your book "The Frogness of Being," great title! I've watchlisted it and will check it out asap.

Cheers, Dave :) view book

I love you Roy and Mindy :) view book

Very confident writing here. I'd back this for the title alone (No Excuse Bruce) and noted a few other things.
IMO it's better to start with the human, not the torpedoes so I'd bring Ch 2 upfront, and in that chapter, change 'artefact's' to artefacts, I think you need a simple plural. Von Toose doesn't do anything for me, how about Von Loose? This seems a pacy, innovative story, could do with a polish. Backed with pleasure. I can tell you like Douglas Adams.

Hi zenup. Thanks for your backing! Now the book's finished, I'm going to be more active on Authonomy. Cheers for the feedback, I've made the change in Chapter 2 (well spotted.) The first chapter about the torpedoes is a prologue, do you think it would be better as a real chapter later on instead? I've been thinking about that myself. Thanks for your support, you should read on though because the story changes a lot as it progresses and things are revealed. I'd love to know what you think of the whole piece ;)

PS I love Douglas Adams! :p view book

Hi John, thanks for your message, this looks interesting, I'll check it out :) view book

New chapter up, Seventeen (under C18 on here.) Comments and feedback welcome. The plot thickens... :) view book

I read your prologue a month ago. Today I read your revised version.

General comments: An engaging start. TR77-814 is an interesting main character. Good world building. Good descriptions. Until the end of the prologue, not much tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the prologue:
1) 'Like they owned the place' is cliche. Consider writing the same idea but in a fresher way.
2) "HELP" There is no need to write in all caps. Writing in all caps is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while they try to figure out what you mean to imply with all caps. You don't want that. Use italics or an exclamation mark to emphasize words. Also, if you don't put an exclamation mark after 'help,' at least put a period there.
3) "Hello. You are not alone." TR77-814 flashed back. Comma after 'alone.'
4) "Where's mother?" Capitalize 'mother.' When a kinship word is used as a name for someone, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. Since 'mother' is used to refer to something in particular in this sentence it should be capitalized. There is another place in this chapter where 'mother' is used as a name and should be capitalized.
5) Hyphenate 'thirty two' and 'twenty three.'
6) "Shut up", he flashed back. The comma goes inside the closing quote mark.
7) 'The water felt good against his hull.' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe his feeling so vividly the reader will experience the pleasure along with TR77-814. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
8) "See you later alligator." Comma after 'later.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important opening pages. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

You previously shelved "Savannah Fire." Thank you again for that. The top ten are very competitive and there are two heavily promoted books right behind "Savannah Fire" that could easily pass it if "Savannah Fire" doesn't pick up and hold onto more shelves. Would you please consider reshelving "Savannah Fire?"

Thank you for any assistance you can provide.

Have a marvelous day.

Al

Thanks for that Carolina, I'll see what I can do to help you out :) view book

I just backed this John, it looks rather good from the first chapter alone. I like your lofty ambition and your clean, precise style. I will give this a proper read over the weekend and get back to you with some feedback. Excellent work sir :) view book

New draft up! Please read and tell me what you think. I will continue to add more material at the rate of a chapter a week :) view book

Thanks for that Wussyboy, acting on the advice of yourself and others I have edited the book so that it gets into the action quicker and sent the hangover scene to shreds-ville to rest in pieces, hehe :) view book

Ok, another new chapter is up, these should now be coming at the rate of one a week for the next 2/3 months until completion. Please could you give me any feedback, particularly on the newer chapters, to aid my editing process. I hope you enjoy No Excuse Bruce - The Spark of Life, thank you kind people for reading :) view book

Some good contemporary noir on display here, lots of stereotypical names and events littered with pop culture references. The first person perspective is employed effectively, though I tend to agree with JJ Maro, it does cause the well-crafted tension to slip every now and again. Mayor Clegg, hehe, his first name's not Nick by any chance? I really like some of dialogue shifts, they are particularly dynamic and written with care and you certainly have a sharp eye for detail. Perhaps some sentences are a little over-convolouted though. I read the first couple chapters, I'll check out the rest later and give you some more feedback. Good work! :) view book

Hey good people of Authonomy :) I now have a cover and a new chapter for you all, feedback is highly appreciated. Thank you in advance kind sir/madame! :) view book

New chapter up, more to come very soon :) view book

This is a fantastic read so far - Ive shelved it and starred it X 6. Skater

Thanks Skater! That's awesome that you're enjoying it. I'll check your stuff out when I get a chance. Thank you for your support :) D view book

Hey Peter,

Thanks for that feedback, I've shortened the synopsis, I think you're right, I should keep more of my cards up my sleeve for the story itself :) Thank you for the rating and the support, I rated yours and shelved it up too.

Cheers, I look forwards to hearing what you think of the rest too,

Dave :) view book

Very cool stuff indeed, I love the narrative voice, it's very strong and really grabs you by the throat. As for the subject matter, the dreck of modern television is a perfect carcass to tear strips out of. Highly original modern story-telling. If you get a chance, check out my book "No Excuse Bruce - The Spark of Life." It's got a similar sort of "post-noir" tone :) view book