cerandor recent comments

written 771 days ago
cherry

Just one thing I thought might be missing from the opening sequence was atmosphere. It’s possibly just a bit too humdrum, typical day down the pub with the elves. I had the feeling that I’d jumped into the story at chapter two, as if I’d missed something, a prologue maybe with a bit of blood and magic.

Jane

The Dark Citadel
Wormholes



Thanks Jane. I take your point - the opening chapter does stray a little in the direction of cliche. I had intended to use it to depict the life that Shaelle had settled in, as a contrast to the life she returns to later on. I'll have a think about it though and see if there's anything to be done to spice it up. view book

written 771 days ago
cherry

Hi Ciaran,

I have read all of what you have uploaded and really enjoyed it. You write very well and weave a captivating story. You have several good hooks inlcuding Shaelle's past, how did Haolden rise from the dead/what price did he pay? And who are the Hidden and what do they want with Haolden.
Just two things I would point out:
Chapter 3

...she wondered how her sharp her mother's senses... (..she wondered how sharp her mother's senses...)

Chapter 4

...and a tangle of greenery had pushed in.
To her left watched her from around a campfire. The one who was...
This second sentence does not make sense.

These are obviously little things and did not detract from my enjoyment of reading the book. Your writing style draws you into the story and keeps you wanting more.

Excellent work! Best of luck with it.
Tania Johansson
Book of Remembrance



Thanks for the pointers - it's bloody hard to catch everything, especially as you rewrite. And thanks for the kinds words also. view book

1