Great job! Love how Raven gets 'hungry' and sinks her teeth into her vic. Love the whole lillin curse story. Good luck. If a chance, please return the read. Dina, 33

Thanks for the comment, I'll return the read for sure :) view book

Well, after reading four chapters, I'm not sure if there's much I could comment on. I would feel like a novice trying to give you advice.

Besides nit picking on description, such as when you give us a picture of Null by listing the features of his face (I always prefer action description compared to listings), it was all a good read. The pacing was even throughout the story. Perhaps the sense of time could be presented a bit better in the first chapter, I only get an idea of it by the imagery of the ship scene.

I get a good design of personality from your protagonist and I think you give enough of an idea of what or who the antagonist will be. You have constant conflict in each chapter, which progresses the story along nicely. Only a couple of instances, your description stopped me, such as jaw muscles dancing, Rat gnawed at his insides, but that's just me probably. You writing was skillful with the overall pros.

You have a good mystery that makes the reader want to keep on going to find out more. You leave enough interest in the end of a chapter to turn the page. Great work, I'll read more and write down any other things I see that may need work, but thus far, it was hard for me to find much that needed improvement.

- William
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Hi,

After reading the first 4 chapters, I can say this is defiantly one of my favorite works to read thus far. The pacing was quick with very visual action. The aspect I like as well is the use of the Archangels, which is also incorporated into my story, which I use Gabriel, Serial (Azrael) and Michael, so I can relate to who they are.

Looks that you are using the Omniscient 3rd person point of view style of writing, Thus able to go into any of the characters heads and give us their thoughts. By doing this I think the only thing I could say is that while you have a great way for writing action, you might want to strengthen the link for empathy on the characters. Since I am writing in the same style, I have the same problems. By switching from character to character, for readers It becomes hard to find a character to link with on an emotional level, so we have to concentrate on building that emotional connection. Just something to consider. It 's liken to writing screenplays. It is the business of selling emotions.

Other than that, it was very hard for me to find many problems, besides nit picking in checking grammar, which you would need a proof reader. After awhile you just need new eyes to help see what we can't. I would also suggest looking on the internet and searching for view point writing or POV filter for character. I only saw two instances while I was reading that had problems with perspective from the thoughts of the character you were focused on.

I will be reading more and hope to give you more ideas and perspective that can help. I backed you and rated. Great start!

When you get a chance let me know what you think of my Story (Raven Birth into Darkness)

-William
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You have a way with words my friend. I can see you're style falls into the realm of literary fiction compared to commercial. Hope to see more.

- William view book

Hello,
Being a newbie on this site, I'm not really sure about the atmosphere for commenting , so not certain how honest people should be. I hope to give you a good perspective.

I read the first chapter and I can say it pulled me in. For any good story, its progression can only move forward through conflict and you had a nice conflict going with the mother looking for her soon and the odds stacked against her. No one knew anything.

The dialog was good for the section / scene.
After your first double drop, it seems your writing starts trickling with a few grammar errors. I know it can be hard to find and often you will need someone else to see. Our brains will fill in the letters and words for us, because we see the story and sentences in our minds. I have the worst problem with this so I know firsthand and am bad with grammar.

I love your style of description, but there are a few things you want to stay away from. One good example is when you depict the Presiden's office room 800. The first part up to the globs were great descriptive writing, but then you almost went into a kind of list of things that were in the office. a desk, a black leather chair, his desk was made of dark marble, opposite of the desk sit two chairs similar to his own, small library, etc. For the most part, you want to give the reader a vision of the main features of an area or location than let them have breathing room to imagine the rest.

Again, you gave the perfect blend of description in the first part of that paragraph mixing vision with mood.
As for dialog, when we speak in real life or formal meetings, once you know a person name, you won't say it too often after. This holds true especially if there is only two people in a room speaking. Cut down on the name use to make it feel a bit more natural.

The character description is good, but I think can be better. I have problems myself with this as well.
I placed an example below:

Robert Thompson was a tall built white man, with a thick mustache. He had green eyes and high cheek bones. He was very serious about his job. He was proud that he was the youngest to ever hold the Chief of Security position.

The above example gives us a list of characteristics and you tell us that he is serious and proud. As I mentioned , I have to work on description as well, but I rearranged the wording and tried to show more than tell and take away the listing below. This is just for example, feel free to disregard it.

Robert Thompson was a tall white man. He had a thick mustache and piercing green eyes framed by high cheek bones. They reflected a seriousness, for he was the youngest to ever hold the Chief of Security position and was proud of it.

Try to show the personality of the character in the web of your description of him or her. for example. "She had eyes the color of cement" could really tell you the personality of the women.
I noticed too, that there were words repeated over a short section of writing. Keep an eye out for that. Use the power of the thesaurus if need be.

Well I hope I could give you some help with my comment. I'll continue reading the rest of you book, I think it is a great story with much potential.
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