ashley z recent comments

written 1683 days ago
cherry

Ashley
I just read a couple of chapters and will be back to read some more and add my comments. But in the meantime I will place your work on my shelf. I think this is a promising book.
Jennifer Braun
Shoondor (Please read if you are willing and have time. The story is a lot like yours, only in a different setting)



Wow! Thank you so much! You're the first shelf I've been placed on! I'll do my best to read your story. I'm going back to college to get a second degree, so when I have some free time, during a break maybe, I'll get around to it! view book

written 1683 days ago
cherry

Me again!

Excellent 3rd chapter, hun. You're a natural story-teller. I thought Zoe's reactions throughout the dinner were very believable, given her difficult past. The dialogue was great, spot-on. I especially liked Nick and Zoe's final conversation in the car, when he takes her back to Denny's. He's got a quiet yet determined way about him. He knows not to push, when to give her some breathing room. Zoe's making progress, but I can see how it's going to be one hellova climb for her to be able to trust anyone, let alone Nick. I'm going to enjoy reading about her journey. I hope Nick has infinite patience!

He shrugged. “Then don’t answer any questions,” he said as he glanced at her. He pulled up to Denny’s and sighed. “Except this one.”

She was silent for a moment, then looked at him and nodded. “Tons,” she said before she opened the door and walked up the front steps and into Denny’s.

Really like that bit.

Suggestions:
Watch for repetition. In the prologue, almost every paragraph starts with 'she'. I know you don't mention Zoe's name yet, so maybe this was deliberate on your part? You could vary it. For example, instead of 'she’d always heard that everyone had a line, a final straw' you could replace it with eEveryone had a line, a final straw, or so she'd been told.'

In the first 5 paragraphs of the 3rd chapter, you use 'seemed' four times. You could scratch a couple of them and make Nick's musings about summer more concrete.

Write more now!



Finally, something constructive! I'll take a look at it. I certainly don't mean to use the same word over and over again. Thank you for the suggestions!

I'm glad you've enjoyed it. I've been to one of those awkward dinners where it's obvious the person isn't into divulging their life story and the people around them keep prodding. I'm glad you thought that was realistic. And yes, Nick realizes when to push and when to give her space. It will be a long and hard road for Zoe because she's never been shown that people can be kind and worthy of trust without an ulterior motive.

I'm really happy that you're enjoying it!! view book

written 1683 days ago
cherry

Yeah, everyone has that line. Drug addiction and abuse is a good place to draw it. I will admit though, I stayed with a girl after she punched me in the crotch for ordering her the wrong thing at McyDees. HAHA.
This is very well-written, intriguing, and sad. WL.



Sorry for your plight! I hope you're not still with her!

I'm glad you like it thus far and I hope that you'll continue to read. view book

written 1684 days ago
cherry

Ash :) Glad to see 'The Broken Road' here. And I see you have a new chapter up too. Excellent. Will return to comment very soon.



LOL, I was like 'who is this' and then I went and looked and was like OOOH! I hope you like the new chapter! :) view book

written 1704 days ago
cherry

I really like the set up here. I also love your main charrie Jack. he's a unique sort! :) I want to bug you for more! Give me more. I suck with the feedback tonight as I'm exhausted from school! view book

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