Hi Elaina,
Backed. Fabulous writing! I would like to simply use some superlatives, but, since I have always promised constructive criticism when I leave comments, I will try to be more precise than simply saying it was wonderful (which it was). First off, the opening is a lovely hook. The image of the glyphs being engraved was extremely striking and definitiely made the reader want to know more.
That is one of the strengths of the writing: there is clearly a whole fantasy worls living and breathing behind your text, which we are only allowed a glimpse into. It left me curious and anxious to read on. The description is wonderfully vivid, without being over the top.
In particular, I like the originality of the theme of the changeling children. I was expecting a more general swords and sorcery fantasy when I started, but, immediately, I felt I was in quite a different realm: one in which fairytale is going to play a large part. It's very nice to be invited into a world that feels so fresh and original.
Happily backed. I hope it gets the credit and attention it deserves.
Dan view book

Hello,
The journal is written in a lovely style that really captures the main character's voice. On the whole, it makes for a very enjoyable read, though I think the decision to make the whole thing into a journal is quite a brave one since there is inevitably an element of repitition in people's day-by-day lives. In addition, if someone has written an entry in their journal then you know they have, at least, survived another day, so some of the tension is taken away.
There is an uneasy blend of thriller and humour in your chapters. The humour aspect certainly makes it an enjoyable read, although it lightens the more serious side of your protagonist's foray into criminal affairs. Similarly, if it were all humour (in the style of Adrian Mole or Bridget Jones), you might lose the originality of your angle, so I'm not sure what to suggest. It is good fun and exceedingly well written though, and your characters are engaging and human.
Dan view book

Hi,
A very enjoyable read, great dialogue and a good pace.
I twigged that it was for young adults before I went back and looked at the cover because the writing is fairly simplistic. In fact, I wouldn't mind such a rollickingly good story for adults, but your writing style reflects your target audience and that is fine. Just beware of having overly short paragraphs (I'm thinking of chapter one). Chapters two and three seem to have developed a slightly more mature style.
I absolutely loved the opening, the little quote about delusions that is aimed directly at the reader. It actually had me smiling at the screen and served as a fantastic introduction for the character of Dominic.
Chapter one expands upon his character and we see that he is actually quite a complex young man. I think there is some excellent characterisation here, and that this is a really promising read.
Thanks,
Dan view book

Hi Jamie,
I'd read some of the comments before I started on your novel, so wasn't 100% sure of what I would find. It's interesting that you proclaim a lack of belief in your work. I won't judge it in light of that. I intend to look at it on it's own merits.
First off, I think he idea is great. In fact, it's a massive idea to play about with, very exciting, yet, I would imagine, extremely difficult to work with. I don't think I would want to hand any of my characters the power of God, and, after I'd given it to them, how could they fail to win out? So I was fascinated by how you would handle it.
Obviously, the book is embroiled in contemporary politics and the post 9-11 world. It is brave of you to tackle these subjects and, in such sensitive times, they have to be handled well. Thus far, I think you have succeeded. The characters live and breathe and do not come across as stereotyped. You introduce each of them in turn and they are all individuals.
I very much enjoy the subject of religion and I like the way you feed it into each character's narrative, leaving me wanting more. My one criticism is that you move between characters quite rapidly. I would like to see more contextualisation. At the beginning, we jump into the Dean and Benyamin's conversation with very little preface. I felt a little wrong-footed by this, as if I had suddenly been plunged into the middle of a novel rather than the start. In addition, their conversation, though punchy, does not offer a lot of characterisation. My knowledge of Benyamin, as an elderly professor who works himself too hard and has been affected by the death of his wife, comes from the Dean's inner musings, and is flatly explained to me, rather than revealed through their conversation. Indeed, the whole conversation seems to be slightly unnecessary - a jumping off point which gives the Dean the opportunity to describe benyamin's character to the reader.
There were however, moments of brilliance. I loved "standing on the edge of an abyss, listening to the heartbeat of the universe as diamond-edged flecks of time splintered into the void." Absolutely stunning writing!
Over all, I envy you the position you are in. You clearly have a gift for writing. The only flaw I can see is that the story moves along too quickly, without enough context for each section. You have the skeleton of an excellent novel, which simply needs to be fleshed, unlike most writers on Authonomy who tend to write too much, rather than too little! This is full of big ideas and engaging characters. It would be a shame if you gave up on it now.
Dan view book

Hi,
This makes for a very action-packed beginning. The story is rich and eventful, though I felt it was sometimes let down by an overly-casual written style e.g. there's a point where it says that Sarah "could not just sit and feel sorry for herself," which paints the picture of a spoilt child or someone in a sulk. In the middle of a warzone, that would hardly be the way she was feeling! Turns of phrase like this, which are used so much in everyday conversation, don't really carry the drama needed in the scenes you are describing. Small things like that detracted from the tension for me.
You obviously have very good knowledge of the military and the weapons in the world you have created and your use of detail makes the drama all the more vivid. Be aware of small grammatical errors: "Stan, who was laying helplessly," should be "Stan, who was lying helplessly," for example. It may just need a quick read through and some editing.
Dan view book

Hello,
Your writing is strong and lively and develops a real sense of place for the reader. The characters jump off of the page, particularly in your dialogue, in which I think you capture dialects and mannerisms very well. This is a very vivid piece.
I'm not a very sporty person myself, so I'm afraid that the subject doesn't appeal to me, although I must admit that I find Clay a very compelling character. I think that will be the strength of this book, as the subject may be quite narrow in appeal, though I couldn't say for sure.
Anyway, you can certainly write an engaging and thoroughly readable narrative. I wish you lots of luck with this.
Dan
view book

Hello,
I really, really love this. The storytelling is such that you live and breathe the characters. It makes me feel that I am really 'there.' When I started reading the first chapter, I thought it might be violence for the sake of violence (I mean, I quite enjoy violence in writing, but, at the same time, I know a lot of people who are put off if it is gratuitous). However, as I read on, I realised that it could not be gratuitous because the characters were so real and the situation so vivid that it felt as if you, the author, were living every second of it. It completely sucked me in.
I read your first chapter a couple of days ago and came back to the second today. The vibrant writing style continues. Your chapters always end on a cliffhanger that makes me wonder if snyone is actually going to survive.
There were a few times, at the beginning of chapter two, when I struggled to work out who 'they' referred to. At one point, it was the waiters, but later it became clear that 'they' were the couple who were later introduced as John and Clare. There were similar ambiguities in chapter one where the man being murdered initially seemed to be in a van and then he was on the ground, although I didn't recall his being taken out of the van. These are really little things though. Essentially, it reads as if you were too involved in the story to clarify some of these smaller points (that's something I do myself when I get really 'into' what I'm writing). So I think all that it needs is a read-through.
Don't change anything about the style, or the story, or the characters. I love what you've done here.
Dan view book

A wonderful opening to a book - it really grabbed my attention. The friendship between the young boys is touching and the lashing scene all the more powerful for the careful way in which you have drawn your characters. I'm surprised this book hasn't had more attention on the site.
I felt that your writing style became more confident throughout the first chapter and that Gerard had really developed a "voice" in the subsequent chapters.
Like I said, I think this book deserves a lot more attention. It's a shame you only have the five chapters on here. Good luck. Great potential. view book

I looked forward to reading this - mainly because I love the name "Decrepit Old Bag." I'm sure you're not, but it is a great username. :)
I really enjoyed your writing style. The short, succinct paragraphs grab the reader's attention and it is easy to be drawn into your story. You remind me of people I know who have been through similar experiences and I think that this is a story of such personal importance that it must have been emotionally exhausting and probably very good for you to get it all down on paper. That poor little girl.
Yet you flesh out all of your characters wonderfully - even those whom you could so easily portray as the villains.
Although this is not a genre I ordinarily read, I must congratulate you on the truth with which you tell your story. view book

I am really impressed.
I began reading this without a great deal of enthusiasm, given that the subject matter doesn't really interest me, but I must admit that your writing immediately brought it to life and I was compelled to read on. This makes fr some really vivid and facinating reading. I think you must have a real passion for your subject because you write about her with such ease, which means that the reader does not feel as if they are having information thrust upon them, but, rather, are a part of the story at hand.
I thought the first chapter was brilliant. I hope you keep up the pace and the exuberance throughout the rest of the book. It is hard to judge given that there are only the four chapters here, but I really wish you well on this. view book

Great world creation here. It's clear how much time and thought you have invested into the story. Your writing style is lucid and descriptive, which makes the reading experience vivid and interesting. Altogether, I felt that the narrrative flowed very well, though there were a couple of places I'd suggest tightening up. Mainly simple things, like grammar: "Must of escaped somehow" should be "must've escaped somehow" or "must have escaped somehow." At times, I found the dialogue a little wordy and thought that it might be pared down. Otherwise, great fiction, and strong, visual storytelling. Good luck with this. view book

Edited: Chapter 15, "Enlil's Decision." I'm going to cut Merika's sickness as it slows down the story at this point. It doesn't feature largely in this chapter, but I cut the first paragraph and a few lines that just weren't needed. view book

Edited: Chapter 20, "The Sun and the Moon" has been added. view book

I really enjoyed this. I think the subject matter and the setting give your story a wonderful sense of atmosphere and the Sophie's is a winning character, ready to carry the story forward. You create an intense and strange world, which strikes a chord even with your adult readership because you set your tale so firmly in reality, and your knowledge of the city shines through (or, if you simply made up all the raod names - you had me fooled!)
My only concern would be that I might look for more action at the beginning of the story, but that is really a very minor complaint. A lovely book. view book

Hello.
Lovely characterisation and dialogue. You obviously observe people well and this is a credit to your writing. Sometimes I felt the pace dragged a little. Some editing could easily rectify this. For example, shorter, choppier sentences in the first paragraph. It is a great idea to throw your reader in at the deep end, (as it were), but the tone was very casual for, effectively, a description of someone drowning. It needed a little more immediacy.
The other part I noted was the beginning of chapter two:
"At eight o'clock on Friday morning, Anthony Parris and the rest of McManus and company were hard at work stripping the wood exterior off a house is Orange Street in New Haven to replace it with vinyl siding."
If I'm honest, you lost me by the time I got to "wood exterior." Wood exteriors and vinyl sidings don't leap out as interesting and attention-grabbing details! Your eye for detail is exquisite, but perhaps needs to be reined in at times.
I think this will be excellent after a little editing. Nothing else needs changing so far as I can see, and there is a good market for books like this. (I also want to know more about Roberta! She sounds interesting!) view book

Your sense of humour comes across really well in this book. It hooked me with the first line, and you have a confident writing 'voice.' I think you've told a lot of truths in this book - is it pieced together from holiday diaries or memories?
I am not a huge reader of travel literature, mainly because I prefer stories with a narrative arc. Travel doesn't necessarily lend itself to this, but I think you have made an admirable attempt to bring together a collection of the "best bits." Good luck with this, and keep camping! view book

Edited: Chapter 19, "Good and Evil" has been added. view book

This is so original! I love how you have managed to cram this much egyptological knowledge into a modern setting. You write with both respect and a great sense of tongue-in-cheek-humour about the religion, which pleases me, as an egyptologist myself. Your writing is also very intelligent. If I have any criticisms it is in trying to get a handle on the genre and the characters. I've read through to chapter four and I sense that Chay is going to be our major (mortal) protagonist, but I am not yet sure where his story is going. Though the opening is intriguing - with his brief sojourn in the afterlife - I was not aware of a 'hook' or, if you like, a question that I want answered in the rest of the book. Really fascinating stuff though, and it is so good to find a book that grapples with failry complicated subjects and manages to weave them together with such self-assurance. All the best with this. view book

Wondeful! This book deserves far more attention than its been getting! The writing style is flawless, while you have a way with dialogue that really makes the reader feel as if they are there. I was completely absorbed from the first paragraph on and rather forgot that I was reading a manuscript!
Shelved. :) view book

Edited: Chapter 18, "A Sunrise in the West," has been added. view book