Emma, Just finished Chapter 6. I think it would benefit from a little more about how Lexa actually feels about Lucinda when the chimera asks if she really wants to find her. Lucinda thinks about whether or not Lucinda is in trouble, but not whether or not she WANTs to find her. I think having some internal debate here would help flesh out Lexa, give her some more dimension....Just a thought...Melissa view book
Hey Jessica, I'm really digging the Library of Living. The premise is original and draws you in right away. Your writing is nice and pretty tight. The prose flows nicely. Here are a few typos/suggestions on offer for the first chapter. I'll try to get back to it again with more comments later: 1) Guitar should be "slung" not "swung" around his neck.2) Let you get on sentence has extra punctuation at the end. 3) Where Ben dies, I'd do a full stop after "it all stopped so suddenly." I don't think you need anything after that.4) red haloed it--don't need the word "around"5) guessed he was in the middle of a dream..." You don't need the rest of the sentence.6) Ticket in his hand. It had--two sentences instead of one.9) ....eerie breeze, and as Ben arrived on the landing he shuddered.10) You don't need the "out" after cats sprawled.... 11) Wax droplets marked the floor. --don't need the word "had" 12) You say "Oddly he didn't miss his dad much..." However that doesn't make much sense. First off, why should he miss anyone since he hadn't been dead long--and given that he didn't have much to do with his dad, it would have been odd if he did miss him. Also, I found it strange that he first person he thought about beside Anna was his dad. I'd think he'd reminsce about his mom first given the larger role she played in his life. view book
YARGTara, Here are some edits for The Sons of God: Book 1. Overall I liked Finn and am interested to see where you go with it. Below are my thoughts. Take them or leave them but know they are offered in the spirit of making The Sons of God: Book 1 a better story.C1Someone isn't "anaphylactic." They would have a "life threatening allergy." Also, there's no way that a student would have been able to get to an Epipen. They are generally locked up in school, nor does one know how to use them without being trained. (I have several friends with kids who have life-threatening allergies so I've been trained on their use/storage, etc.). I don't know that melodramatic is a good word to use to describe a face, since it means exacggerated. Perhaps tragic or downtrodden instead? Did people "seem to shut up" or did they shut up? Reads a little awkwardly....Mr. D sounds great. Would love to see example of him making something relevant via action rather than having Finn describe it...."been dabbling in" could just be "dabbled in"You don't need to "think to yourself." You just think.some action!" she replied--the S in she doesn't need to be capitalized.You don't need since in since-dissolved nineties..Like the "all girls catholic school in Antartica"Gothic Rock doesn't need to be capitalizedShould be Aunt Jess (capital A)Rewording to "In contrast to" might make the sentence a bit smootherCould be...icy sidewalks proved perilous to the careless....Could simplify to "still warm, with gold and bronze leaves carpeting the dying grass like..."Would the Hasidim be trilingual as in Yiddish, French and Hebrew or would they know four languages because they'd know Hebrew too? However knowing four languages wouldn't necessarily make someone brilliant, would it?Perhaps "those who judged" instead of the judges?Attempted to observe or keep to the rules of Passover vs. attempted Passoverscoffed at--you're missing the second wordPassover section: You might have been invited to the Seder at the beginning of the week. However if you were invited to one of the meals at the end, you wouldn't need leftovers to last the week. It's only a week-long holiday.Best, Melissa view book
Brian, My in-laws live in the Orlando area used to have a beach place in Indian River so I happen to know the area you're describing. In addition, I have a very good friend has a child with selective mutism. Small world, huh?Overall I'm impressed with Mute's pacing and you're great at using language to describe events and settings. One thing I noticed is that you use first names for some characters and last names for others. I know that using last names is a journalism convention, but it's odd in fiction.In my opinion, you may want to read your dialogue aloud, though, because some of it is stilted (i.e., She's endured more pain today than most people have in a lifetime). With such colorful characters to begin with, it could push them over the edge to characterture.Below are some specific nits that, as a reader, took me out of the flow of reading when I encountered them: • Why does Kane think it's not OK to go deer hunting while the family is in church but it's OK to go fishing? Not sure what the distinction is. Perhaps you just don't need that reference?• Watcher's hair should be "A" shock, not "THE" shock unless you're referring to someone's hair in particular.• Just my opinion, but it's really creepy that Kane is speculating whether a corpse's ass would be hot while she would have been alive. Creepy enough that I might not keep reading. • Why wouldn't Kane have called 911 or his buddy upon finding the bodies? Even if he fancied himself a tough guy, rules about disturbing crime scenes are pretty well known• Women can get stretch marks from a lot of things besides childbirth so not sure the reasoning works.• What was he basing his estimation on for how long the shoe had been out. Did it look clean? Had it rained recently but the shoe was dry?• Grief had shell shocked the poor girl would be better as "The poor girl was shell shocked by grief" (active vs. passive voice)• "snatched their heads off" sounds like the heads were removed quickly/carelessly, which doesn't appear to be the case. New verb needed? Sliced? Took?• Moni and her special training could be simplified to Moni's special training.• You have Moni reflecting on how Sneed needs to show some respect for her twice. You only need it once. And since she helps him before he does it, you may want to eliminate "he better swallow his racial pride before asking for her help"• How does Moni know that the girl had a perfect home that had sheltered her from every bit of pain before they know the first thing about the family?• How would a strong self-image help someone hide tears? Perhaps a strong sense of survival or a self-image as a survivor?• Would Snell really scream at Moni about getting the girl to talk while the traumatized girl is in her arms? That doesn't seem realistic no matter how badly he needs information....If he does say, it you may want to indicate that he says it to Moni's ear or really quietly so that the girl won't hear.• I found the description of the social worker's chest as double-Ds to be offensive. That language is fine if it's from a character who is supposed to be coarse, but shouldn't be part of the descriptive narrative.• Does a juvenile judge have to sign off on Sneed TALKING to the child or TESTIFYING. It says the latter and that seems like he's jumped the gun as bit.• "bringing to much controversial pub" doesn't make sense. Maybe it's a typo for publicity?• In the 6th para of Chapter 4, "in wooden blocks McKinley's" you're missing the period between sentences.• Fax machines aren't used too widely any more. Your younger readers may not be familiar enough with the image to get the reference.• Dr. talks about putting Mariella in a specialized facility, yet Moni's head goes right to foster homes. I assumed McKinley was talking about an inpatient facility based on her condition and word choice. If that's not the case, then you may want to amend your description of the environment she needs.• At the end of the first section of Chapter 4, I'm confused over where Mariella is placed. Moni thinks that she doesn't offer a good home and the psychologist says that Moni can see her daily under his care. However then Tanya says that she can stay with Moni in protective custody? Chain of events isn't clear to me here. • you have Gomez' but nothing after the apostrophe when discussing the corpses in the second part of Chapter 4• Her friend would have "bawled" tears not "balled"Take them or leave them. Either way, I hope you find some of the helpful. Best, Melissa view book
YARGAfter reading all six chapters my only comments are below:It wasn't clear to me if Shadow was a wild horse or just not one accustomed to stables. Without knowing that you don't quite understand the bravery of what the MC is doing so you might want to clarify. I know why we don't find out the MC's name until late but I think you could hint at it trough dialogue earlier so it isn't quite so distractingPlease finish it already! I want to know what happens to Girl. Where does the ladder go? Does she steal Shadow? What will free her from silence? Best,MelissaOther than that, I found it to be both well written and interesting. Melissa view book
YARGEmma, Sorry it's taken me so long to get to The Puppet Spell--mostly because I'm enjoying it so much. I'm six chapters in and here are my comments thus far:The characters feel authentic and i love Spider in particular.The pace is remarkably fast, which is how I ended up reading six chapters instead of three. :) However I wouldn't mind seeing it slow a little bit at this point so we can get some more background about Ebony. It's a little hard to know how much trouble Lexa is in without understanding the world better. Also, while you've shown that Lexa is curious about this world and wants to know more from Devon, it would be nice to know a little more about how she feels about her world turning ass over teakettle. My only other comment is that some of your paragraphs are rather long. In print it doesn't matter as much, but blocks of text can be off putting online and should be avoided. With so many people reading on mobile devices these days, it's something that is good to be aware of. Take these for what they are worth. You've got a strong manuscript, both in terms of plot and execution, and it's definitely staying on my WL for when I have more time. Best,Melissa view book
YARGMIndy, I read through about 12 chapters and then skipped to the end. In the 12 chapters, you managed to create two very likable characters and a wonderful setting for them. That's the good news--that I enjoyed what I read and that I wanted to know what happened to them at the end of the book. The bad news was that I skipped to the end because not enough was happening. I got tired of watching their relationship develop without anything of note really going on. At 127,000+ words, this is very long for a YA novel--so I think you've got plenty of room to pare down the sections that don't provide anything but character development. Maybe this is in the parts that I didn't read, but I kept wondering why they didn't try to find each other outside of the Wishing Place. Even if they decided that they didn't want to risk their eventual meeting--or finding out that the other person wasn't real, or living at the same time--I was surprised that the didn't even have a conversation about it. Also, because you establish so early on that they do meet in the end, and then establish why they should believe the vision, a lot of dramatic tension is gone. It might be nice to keep that question in play throughout the book so that we don't know what will happen at the end. So in summary, you've got some great characters and a wonderful premise. Your writing was crisp and vivid. I'd just like to see some more action and/or tension to keep us guessing what will happen to Val and Nick. Best, Melissa view book
YARGTod, Thanks for your YARG on The Alienating Ambassador. Here's my return for The Lost Wink:First off, it's delightful and I'm thoroughly enjoying it (currently up to Chapter 8). The pacing is break-neck, characters charming and the descriptions are vivid. Here are my meager offerings for improvement:C1• Why would a boy be pecking for grubs? Did he eat them because Mortimer didn't feed him?• Can Ella read minds? This is implied but not stated. If not, Roscoe needs to say out loud that he would have liked to have been a baker.C2• "In order to bake apples" could be simplified "To bake apples"C7• Would an owl really attack a person? Seems like an odd animal for Roscoe to worry about.That's all I got, Melissa view book
YARG PART 2--SPOILER ALERTLucy, I finished Jinger over the weekend and really enjoyed it. However as the book went on, I found myself with questions. Here are some things you might want to address to strengthen what is already a fun book:• What country are they in? Not too important, but I did find myself wondering if this was supposed to be set in a strange corner of our world or another one altogether....• What did the legend say the one born on the Eve would do (more power equals bad because....)? Since this is so important, it needs to be explicit. I didn't understand what the Woodcutters were trying to prevent. Also, it would have been good to know if they were evil or just misguided....• Why did the Woodcutters feel they needed wolves to help them kill Jinger? She didn't seem like much of a threat and in the end it was Malcolm who faced her down anyway.....• Why would Felix's dad be worried about him not changing if he just turned 13 now? Since it was still possible he would change, why did his dad give Felix to the Woodcutters?• Why did the Woodcutter shave Felix's head?• If Felix was able to escape, then why didn't the other Woodcutters? It didn't seem like they had been converted to the Woodcutter's beliefs....• In the first Jinger/Malcolm encounter in the woods, why didn't Malcolm come after Jinger when she brought out the silver necklace? That's what happened later anyway......• What does apocalyptic star mean? Was it just a plot device to reveal Arthur's existence to Douglas? If so, you may want to find a simpler way for Douglas to learn who he was. • Why did Dorothy only try to kill Jinger two times? For example, she could have poisoned her at any time based on how close Dorothy seemed to be with the family...• Why would Dorothy have kept Grandpa Bloom's boat? It would have seemed simpler for her to sink it after she killed him?• What does the rare blood help Dorothy with? At first I thought it was for Caroline, which was understandable but then that wasn't right. This is very confusing.• Why did the Woodcutters attack the school after Jinger had gone home? I thought they were doing it to get her so that's very confusing. It seemed like maybe Tabs' mom was in on the plan to bring her back but I wasn't clear on that.....If so, it would be unclear what her motivation would be for wanting to hurt Jinger. If she thought Jinger was evil, why would she have let Tabs stay with her?• When and how did Jinger learn that Dorothy had been involved in the attacks at school?• Don't know if you need the last scene with Jessica/Rainbow. Feels like set up for a sequel. It's already clear that Jessica is trouble to the readers and you don't need to establish it for the teachers at the end of the book. • What kind of magic does Murkle have besides the Moon and the wolves? It's referenced but there's no existence of it.I hope this doesn't come across as too negative. I really think the book is almost there and it is very good. I just think you just need to give your readers a little more information. Best, Melissa view book
YARG Part 2Ellie, I finished Paragon over the weekend and really enjoyed it. Here are some suggestions or questions you might want to address to strengthen what is already a great book:• When Keira called Ethan, why did she say it wasn't the voice she had expected? Also, in Chapter 26, what kind of bag did Jane have?• Did Harper's demise free all of the Paragons? Weren't there other government folks or Jadis execs who would know about them? If not, what were they going to do next?• Overall, I'd like some more background on Jane and David. It seemed like David, at least, knew what she was so why wasn't he taking precautions after her photo was in a magazine. What did Jane know about Keira?• Where were Keira's parents when she was crumpled in the driveway? Did Ethan sense them beside him but his attention was totally focused on her? Was Ethan the only one who saw her?• "Suicide slits" implies that they were still open. Scars is more accurate, if not quite as poetic.• Why would they give her painkillers if David knows that they won't help her or possibly make her sick?• In the Epilogue, I'd like to feel more of Keira's grief. You say she cried, but not what she was feeling to get her there. Did she miss the feeling of not being alone in the world, the future she had hoped they'd have together, his smile, the incredible connection they shared? Was she sad because she thought he died before believing his in his worth the way she believed in him?Melissa view book
Al, Here are my comments on Savannah Oak. Hope you find them helpful:• "had thrived in Savannah soil nearly as long as her family" is said as if she knows how old the tree is, which wouldn't make sense if its in her daughter's apartment parking lot. Maybe you need to say it "looked as if had thrived in Savannah soil...."• $1,000 check, according to my style guide :)• "court-trained" seems like an odd description. I wouldn't imagine you'd see much in a court. If she was used to seeing crime scenes or having to look at pictures for her legal career, that would make more sense. I'd suggest rewording....• I don't follow the logic of the sentence "Like wearing outgrown jeans...." Don't know what you were trying to get at here at all. Makes more sense if "wearing too-tight jeans" but I don't know if that's the same meaning as what you intended. • Max's mom and boyfriend make it sound like her trust fund checks are big, but she views herself as homeless. Maybe you need to qualify just how big they are in some way?• Can you shower someone with sensitivity? I'm not sure that works...• I'm in the third chapter and am wondering how on Earth Maxine hooked up with Tater. Doesn't seem like they'd run in the same circles. It would be good for that to be addressed her if it isn't later. • At one point you say Maxine's condition, which makes it sound like a medical issue. You may want to phrase differently (i.e., Maxine's living conditions)• You've got a comma you don't need in "And I'm not, your debutante"Overall you have a great cast of characters. They are well fleshed out and I enjoy how different they are. By the end of the fifth chapter though, I'd like to see the pace pick up. While Tater is certainly a creep, you have yet to establish that he's an actual threat. Without that, it's hard to continue to sympathize for Hayley, who just comes across as a control freak...Hope to come back to it when I have more time.I'd also appreciate some more backstory on Maxine. The way it reads, she went off the deep end when she graduated college. Was that the case? Was simply being given a trust fund and not allowed to move back home what triggered her lifestyle choices? If so, it makes her hard to sympathize with. Also, I'd like know whether she's doing something for the homeless beside writing a blog. Maybe she's volunteering in a shelter? Otherwise she seems to be pretty self-involved.Hope you found my read helpful. Best, Melissa view book
Cara, Here are my edits/impressions from reading The Awakening. Overall, I suggest being very conscious of your word choices. I think that some of them don't convey what you want them to because your word selection is off. I like that the action moves forward quickly, but I don't have a sense of what's driving the characters/what they are feeling. How does Tali feel when she sees the advancing army? There's no description about how she feels about her father's death, which seems an odd omission. Here are some specifics to illustrate what I mean:Chapter 1• I found the sequence of events, with the upcoming battle, then the King's death and then Taalin sending the bird and then going back to fight a little confusing. I think you need to fill in the gaps between events more. Perhaps you could provide some internal character narrative to help the reader understand her reason for doing things in this order....• Why did she separate from her brother? Why didn't they try to find each other?Chapter 2• Is it accurate to say the city was battered no more only three years after aeons of abuse? Perhaps, it had recovered enough to finally celebrate. Just my opinion...• "huddling too often" If the village huddled, I'd imagine it would stay huddled. The wording you used makes it sound like the village moves around.• I think you're missing words in "attention; SHE WAS more captivating"• "craved to have some sort" could just be "craved some sort"• He noticed her "relaxing" should be just "relax"• I'm not clear what Adrianna wants from Cain. It doesn't seem like an intellectual discussion. Is it just a chance to be herself? Similarly, I'm not sure what Cain feels about his friend's transformation. You describe "a warm feeling spread in his chest" but that's a physical sensation, not a feeling. Is he surprised, happy, confused???Chapter 3• Who is the messenger? Is it Tali's brother?• What message is he bearing?• Who died? I'm confused..... Chapter 4• Just my opinion, but watch out for superfluous description. It bogs down the story without adding anything. If the Prince's eyes have been described as blue, you don't need to say the same thing several different ways. • Typo: Skillful has two ls :)• Watch for word repetition. You have the word "cry" several times in the para beginning "This burning fire". Same with the word "burn" in the one beginning "The fire drowned"Hope these are helpful. They are offered in the hopes of making the Awakening even better than it is today.Best, Melissa view book
YARG:Lucy, I enjoyed the first three chapters—so much so that I read the next three without realizing what I was doing. They are thoroughly charming. Your writing leaves very little, if anything, to correct so I’ve tried to focus on anything language-wise that took me out of flow of reading:C1“confronted better in at least pairs” is awkward. Perhaps “better confronted in groups”…it’s your story so I’m not going to try to wordsmith for you. Just wanted to point it out. “Historic town of Murkle did not seem to be unusual…” Tighten by removing “to be”What would have happened if the moons did collide? I assume some kind of catastrophe but I’d probably enjoy reading your description of the consequences….IMHO, “leading eventually to the street” is better as “that eventually led to the street”C2“A man dressed in neon…” Is he actually dressed in neon? Or is he in a neon-hued track suit??“reasonable so tucked her” could use a “she” (i.e., reasonable so she tucked her)“flicked through a bookcase” should be “flicked through the contents of her bookcase” I think. However browsed might be a better verb. “Pulling out a few for herself,” begs pulled out a few WHAT? It’s implied but it will read more smoothly with the word books/tomes/novels or somesuch.Why did Jessica pick up something she didn’t want? Was it just to annoy Jinger? Or did she pick up something that Jinger didn’t want?You describe Jinger’s hair as “not quite long.” But that means different things to different people. Perhaps replace with a more concrete description?“happened at random and was not a something” can be condensed to “random and not something”Love the detail about Jinger being able to kiss her father while avoiding his glasses. Sweet and true.C4Need indent in first paraLiked the description of Ms. Flapp as a fallen bird. I’ve realized I don’t know how old Jinger is. Perhaps it’s because I’m American and aren’t familiar with grade/age equivalents in the UK, but you may want to consider adding it. I’m assuming she’s about 14…..C6I found the change to Douglas a bit jarring ( a la “Not another character to keep track of….”) and it took me some time to figure out it was Jinger’s dad. Perhaps you can use his name once earlier just so that the readers can put one and one together more quickly?Take them or leave em. Best, Melissa view book
YARGEmily, Cassidy is very charming and I enjoyed the first three chapters. Your writing is nice and tight. I didn't find anything there to correct and I can be pretty nitpicky. :)My only suggestion would be to give more of a description of Cassidy's physical surroundings, but espeically her room in the first chapter. It's a little disorienting to only have her narrative in the beginning. Plus I think discussing her room would give you a way to highight some of her personality indirectly. view book
YARG:Barnard, Interesting premise and I’ve enjoyed reading the first three chanpters. I’ve got a few nits below—tried to focus on anything that took me out of the flow of reading:Does wool quiver? Quiver implies that it is an entity capable of action….My hair wouldn’t quiver….“Collectively, all” is redundant. You only need one of these words.Can the Shepard speak sheep? Overall, I think it’s a little narrative heavy. I’d revisit to see if you need all of the dialogue. For example, it’s really clear that Timothy wants to rebel. You could pare back some of his internal narrative without losing the reader. Best, Melissa view book
YARG:Ellie, Your book is great. I’m very impressed and only through the first three chapters. Since your writing is so good, I’ve chosen to focus on the little things that took me out of the reading experience for one reason or another. They are subjective, so take them or leave them, but here they are:In the sentence “Aiden studied the boy…….He clutched his dead father” you may want to change the “He” to “The boy” because I thought “He” referred to Aiden at first. It was a little confusing.How tall is the spike? The word spike makes me think of something small, but to be a warning beacon it would need to be a meter or so, yes?Is there a reason you refer to Keira’s father as David until he actually arrived? It forces the reader to stop reading to make the connection…..And then you go back to referring to him as David…And then you start referring to the mom as Jane....It took me in and out of the reading flow“exacted the science” – Is this a real word? I found it a bit jarring….What was the poem over Keira’s bed? I know it doesn’t have meaning for her, but you make such a point of mentioning it that the question is begged……Never mind. Love the reference to Fluke. I love Christopher Moore….. view book
Stumbled across this and intended to give it a quick perusal. the next thing i knew, i had finished three chapters. I really enjoyed them! view book
Peter, Thanks very much for backing my book!!!!! As a thank you, I took a look at First Fracture and here are my comments. Please note that I’m a former journalist and I still make a living writing/editing in the corporate world so I can be pretty nitpicky. All feedback is offered in the spirit of constructive criticism. Take it or not, as you see fit:• As general comment, I think your writing would benefit greatly from your reading it aloud. I think it will help you identify where you are missing words and places where you pause are where you need commas. It will also help you ID run-on sentences where you have them. • 1st para—daggers handle needs ‘—i.e., dagger’s handle• 1st para—Flecks, not flex• 1st para—“scratched at them with a broken fingernail” needs a comma before “Chay”• 7th para—Normal and normally twice in once sentence. You only need the first one.• 8th para—it should be f-shaped with a hypen (same with “finger-shaped”• Quote marks should be double, not single, quotes. Realize it may be a formatting/upload issue.• Curtain’s fault is possessive. It needs an apostrophe.• What’s a snake pass?• “Using what body weight he had” may not accurately describe what you are trying to convey. If he’s using his muscle strength to avoid the blob, then say that. Using body weight makes it sound like he’s playing dead to make it harder for the thing to pull him.• How does a sack of wet squirrels drop? That’s not imagery most people can conjure up…but if you want to go with it, how is a sack of wet squirrels dropping different than a sack of dry ones?• Would a rabbit waking in a greyhound race feel disbelief? I rather think it would be fear, panic and/or confusion, but perhaps we know different kinds of rabbits • Bowl pancake mix needs an “of” Similarly, the full potential energy released needs an “of the” (i.e., full potential of the energy released when he went flying…..)• When starting a piece of dialogue, it’s important to note who is talking. When Chay hears his dad’s voice, and then another voice, you’re not sure who the second voice is. Was it his mom from the kitchen?• “Arms and legs like an excited louse” ..think you’re missing a verb here. Were her arms and legs flailing, waving, rocking, thumping?????• “Was stopping Chay breathing” needs an “from”• Walrus doesn’t need to be capitalized.Melissa view book