Susan, congratulations. Riding the Rails is a compelling read. Moses and Chavo are lifted from the pages by the quality and confidence of your writing. We learn about them through their interactions rather than having to drag ourselves through plodding paragraphs of descriptions. Other writers should take note of how to let the characters emerge during the course of the story.

The start with Henry arriving at the train wreck is explosive. It carries us through some necessary background of the journalist, the backstory emerging effortlessly from the story telling. There is a Sherlock Holmes quality to the dead body being so far from the train wreck. The reader will want to know the how and whys. This is a brilliant conceit to kick off the book and hook the audience.

Likewise I praise the development of mood and imagery, the heat, the depression, people corralled into their narrow lives by relentless poverty.

Your style of writing is effortless with gorgeous lines such as “It felt like the darkness had eyes.”

The research with the use of words such as “push” and “flipped” gives the novel an underlying foundation of authenticity.

Each chapter ends with a hook compelling the reader to just start the next one. Moses is superbly enigmatic, his mere presence in the train carriage at the end of chapter two draws the reader into chapter three.

So bravo Susan, there are just a couple of observations I leave you with.

I don’t feel I “know” Henry the person through whose eyes we view the lad. We view Moses through Charlie’s eyes and I get both of them but I don’t get Henry yet. He can adapt to “sharp elbows” when necessary, and he is clearly a professional journalist. Is there a way to get how you see his character into the first chapter? It maybe that you don’t feel it necessary and indeed no other reader may feel this but you clearly have the ability to craft characters and I suspect Henry is very solid in your mind’s eye.

You say at the end of chapter 2 that “His attackers had escaped.” This jarred with me. Why the word escape? Your words are so precise elsewhere that this jarred with me. I stopped to think ... a great danger when reading a book :).

I also felt I needed to know more about Charlie’s pain during the beating. How the first kicks won’t hurt because of shock but after that every impact would have shaken him. I am not sure we get the full impact of his pain, humiliation or fear during the beating.


Finally Chap 4, para 2 has “tocatch” is this an expression of the time as with other words you have used or simply a typo?

To sum up you are clearly a writer of great talent and this is a wonderful novel destined rise up the charts. I am going to give it 6 stars and add it to my shelf. I have to read it to the end now to know what happened so congratulations Susan, this is a great success.

S L Stockford ..."Fresco" view book

Natasha, many thanks for your great support and positive comments. As a fellow author I am sure you appreciate how rewarding it feels to have people enjoy the book. I look forward to catching up with your intriguing historical mystery.

Thank you again.

S L Stockford, Fresco.

Up to Ch 55: Commendable piece of work comparable to Dan Brown's. THe author maintains suspense and intrigue throughout. I'm not an art historian and have no idea if these works of art referred to are even real and it doesn't matter because the author writes with authority as if he is. He is also fluent in French and Italian cultures- once again appears to be- and this lends authenticity to the overall work. I've not finished with the book but it definitely needs to remain on my book shelve and everyone else's until it hits the top. I look forward to seeing it in stores.

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Excellent work, straight into the story with Dafydd, our hero, hearing the voices within the first page of the novel. I also liked the fact the hero is genuinely scared in the second chapter, too often heroes appear to be inhuman in their reaction to frightening events.

Neat sense of urgency form the alien voice: you HAVE to be my contact. From then on the reader must read more to discover why the voice needs help.

Involving sci-fi tale destined to rise through the charts.

I will offer it 6 stars to encourage other sci-fi lover sot get their noses into this work.

Good luck Emyr

S L Stockford: Fresco

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Alan

Savannah Oak.

There is no doubt you can write. The style is pacey, the dialogue taut and the characters live.
You have created a rich world built in ominous shadows.

“The dog farted., sat back licked his butt. He belonged here.” Is typical of the original cracking prose.

I can see why this is already ranked so highly despite being unfinished. Neat hook at the end of chapter 5 by the way. “What to do?” What to do indeed.

The suspense is here in abundance and the potential to explode is sky high but I wonder if it needs a major dramatic event to hook the reader. Too early for dead bodies maybe and I do not know how this continues to offer up any further suggestions. If I read these opening chapters in a bookshop I would think this is excellent writing, I would want to know more.

Rating this highly and good luck with it.

S L Stockford
Fresco
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John
Old Number Seven

I always read the first two chapters of a book for a review but here I am already hammering through Chapter 5 with ease. Your journalistic background clearly makes for easy reading. More importantly this is a book that ought to be written and must be read. It is necessary to make sense of what happened in New Orleans at that catastrophic moment in its history.

Quite rightly you shore up the tale with a story of engaging human frailty. William’s father is as sympathetic a central character as could be asked for. Seen through the eyes of his son the reader easily supports and has confidence in his vision.
Usually I worry about back story in the first chapter yet here I found myself reading rather than scanning through it. I don’t know if that is because of your ability with prose, which is excellent, or your instant creation of two sympathetic characters.

Indeed Chap 1 takes us straight into the human interest side of the story. We already know we are reading a polemic from the Preface. The first chapter motors with an angry pace that I am not sure is always maintained in the subsequent chapters.
I like the fact he parks his ancient truck next to the Toyota Prius emphasising the conjunction of the old and the new, a motif throughout these early chapters.

Just a few observations to flag up:

The opening paragraph of the prologue isn’t as direct as the subsequent prose. You use the words “almost” and “what amounted to” and I wonder if this kills the effect why not “... turned into a hell hole over night.” It’s tougher in my view and more in keeping with your style in the rest of the book.

I was troubled by William’s line in chapter two “I’m really a good student and ....” Would anyone describe themselves as a good student? If they do will they keep the sympathy of the reader? “I try to be a good student...”, “I work hard to be a good student,” “I want to be ...” etc all might make a more sympathetic character. In fact I have the impression William wouldn’t make such a pointed statement, he comes across as quite modest next to his forth right father.

Finally, in Chapter 5 you have the radio broadcast mentioning Katrina’s approach. I wondered if this could run through the earlier chapters. Clearly people know something is happening off the coast and it could be a dramatic ominous cloud approaching.

I am not surprised your book is riding so high in the charts. Top marks from me and good luck with it.

S L Stockford
Fresco

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Hi Edward thanks for the offer of a read swop.

I usually only read the first three chapters but I read more of 6 months 6 years simply because of the brilliant hooks you drop in chapter one. “Didn’t know why he died. I did ... ” along with the mysterious letter are enticing concepts to haul the reader into the story.

You can certainly write. “ ...we have cake” is a superb line telling a lot in a few short words as is the shivering “exposing unloved teeth.” “ ...written postcards to himself” is a neat means of character description.

I think you might want to reconsider the sentence with “...macabre words” early on in chapter one. Deflating words, disappointing words maybe but macabre?

Yet for all this wonderful prose I fear you have a major problem. In my view we don’t know enough about the hero. He doesn’t have to be likeable as some have suggested in other reviews, though that always helps. Even after 5 chapters I don’t know who he is or what his aims are. You might try Ian McEwan’s Solar for a brilliant examination of a man and his life where the hero is so full of faults we end up liking him.

I wonder if we need more hooks through chapter two and three. I thought it took a long time to get to the sacking. In TV you would almost certainly jettison everything in that chapter and just hold the sacking scene in the cafe.

Being told of your father’s death is amongst the most life changing moments one experiences yet here it passes by without an inkling of Freddy’s reaction. I had to read the section a few times to make sure I hadn’t missed anything. Obviously this maybe deliberate and the reason revealed later.

Normally I would consider these faults to be major obstacles but there is definitely something of quality happening here. I do want to know more, obviously about the letter and his father but perhaps more about our luckless hero. It may also be in your decision to cut back and for from the present to the past or it your ability to write. I will definitely read more and have rated this highly.

Good luck Edward I am not surprised this is moving up the Authonomy charts.

S L Stockford Fresco
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Thank you Red2U. Look forward to reading your Illusions of Comfort shortly. BTW my wife and I have also recently become empty nesters, and as you say more time for writing!

S L Stockford

I read the first three chapters realizing that there were 6 of them under the first one. I do enjoy a good thriller and this one certainly has its moments. Well done . Have rated and placed it on my WL.
Red

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Peter

You have created a fascinating story, full of possibilities. You are clearly a gifted writer creating a “solid” world in which to set your tale. There are wonderful turns of phrases to carry the reader along.

If you have NEVER been to an editors meeting or a script meeting this is going to sound harsh but I feel you need to lose all of chapter one and much of chapter two. Start with the “Book” or the lecture half way through chapter two. Up until then you have been sharing your back story about the characters particularly Peae. All that information could come out gradually once you have hooked your reader in the story.

The nearest example I can offer, and I hope it is helpful, is Ian McEwan’s Solar where he fleshes out a brilliant physicist and sets about describing difficult scientific ideas. He does it by giving his hero negative traits and we find ourselves drawn in to the book by our fascination with his faults. I am not sure a reader can be as fascinated by Peae, he seems like a nice guy out to do good. In Solar the story starts immediately and the ideas/backstory are revealed as and when necessary.

I have just read through some of the other reviews and to my mind some are pointing in the same direction.

Your high placement in the charts is evidence of the quality of your writing and the potential of the ideas. My guess is that this excellent book will hurtle up the charts after a good look at the opening chapters and some thought about your lead character.

I am going to rate this highly to keep you rising. It will be interesting to see if future reviewers find themselves gripped with chapter one, in which case you can save yourself a lot of work. :)

To my mind this is a book I would expect to see in a book shop.

Good luck Peter.
S L Stockford Fresco
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Thanks Michael, appreciated.

S L Stockford Fresco

Dear MR Stockford

I'm loving it!

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Todd

The gory detective thriller is a competitive field but you more than hold your own with an original sympathetic protagonist and his sharp tongued sidekick.

Lines like “The razor sharp spasms ...” are good, makes it sound researched.

Original descriptions like “phased out the ...” lifts the writing.

“A name I’m positive I had never used before ...” arrests attention. This is the line that is the compelling hook.

I wonder if at times you are ‘over writing’. Eg in chapter 4, the paragraph starting, “The searing acknowledgment of benign ensnared ....etc” seems over embellished to me, indeed I found the entire paragraph a distraction. By now I want to know more about the story.

There are enough hooks to keep a reader needing to read to the end and see this case resolved.

I am not surprised you are riding up the charts with this. I will rate this highly and add to my watchlist. I fully expect you to get a lot higher.

Nice one Todd

S L Stockford Fresco

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Michael

Firstly, (and thankfully), most of us do not know whether spunk emerges hot, cold, body temperature or tepid, but ‘hot’ engenders the better connotations.

Your novel radical Awakening has all the hall marks of a comic tale with its whimsical delivery and comical characters. There is something of the 19th century novel about this with every character introduced at all times with at least one verb or adverb. Eg Pamela Hoare being described as a “sultry strumpet.”

Neat original dialogue too, with the word “tryna”, which I have never seen abbreviated in this manner before. Arresting, vivid descriptions too. Nice one.

Your world is comic, seedy and well structured. Your style is consistent and engaging, your descriptions original and sharp. Others have mentioned the profusion of semi colons when commas or sentence breaks would help. I suspect you used semi colons to break up ‘run on’ sentences, so in sweeping out the semicolons you may have to restructure the sentences.

However I have reached chapter 13 and have yet to discern a story. What are the characters doing apart from ‘existing’ in this office? If that is the point then I fear you may lose readers. Likewise because these are all deeply unpleasant folk with no redeeming features it is difficult to actually care what happens to any of them.

You have laid the seeds of events to come with the person crashing through the window in chapter two and the later enigmatic India scenes - though I am not sure these are sufficient story hooks in themselves.

My guess is your writing skills will carry the reader a long way. If on the next rewrite you round out the characters and structure a story I can see this flying up the charts in Authonomy. I am going to rate this highly because it made me laugh and to try and get more people to enjoy your work. This will give you more feedback, especially as others may revel in its present form.

Good luck Michael you can certainly write and I will return to this as more chapters are added.


S LS Stockford Fresco

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Raymond thank you for your warm, supportive comments. Appreciated.

S L Stockford Fresco view book

Simon

I cannot thank you enough for the painstaking detail you have thrown up. Your critic is wholly credible. I suspect I will follow many, perhaps most of the adjustments you have offered as I edit the first two chapters.

Steven

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Thank you Ron for your comments.

In answer to your question present tense is my preferred style (at present!).

S L Stockford Fresco

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Ross, many thanks for your precise observations. A real help. Appreciated.

I will take a look at the typos and those structural notes.

Thanks again.

S L Stockford Fresco view book

thank you for the comments and hopefully John Hurt will be available for the movie version!

It has always been in first person present - well, it was meant to be!

S L Stockford fresco

Ch3. Did you change to First person present? I don't remember it being written like this. The style certainly allows the action to unfold like a movie. I liked the description of the fresco, it made me want to look up the artists work. The sick man, shades of John Hurt in 'Contact' . Somnambulist? Stands out like dog's balls as they say. I found myself hooked in and looking forward to Ch4.

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Kenneth Edward Lim

Thank you Kenneth. I will take a look at the North Korean in the next few days and hopefully be just a s helpful as your comments.

S L Stockford Fresco view book

Doug I will say at the outset I had major problems becoming involved in your story.

This is a highly ambitious outing for any novelist. The switches between place and time aided only by a change in font occur so rapidly it is difficult to become involved with the narrative or characters. By the end of chapter one I know nothing about Cane, merely the events that trouble him. Sure I know he indulged in appalling acts of brutality, searched for his mother, etc but I am not connecting with Cane yet. No empathy. Obviously Cain himself is unclear and perhaps that is where we are going. I know the pills are making his brain fuzzy and perhaps this is reflected in your narrative approach. Fuzzy logic and fuzzy time :)


But I find myself wondering about the pleasure he would have received from his sadism, let us not be dishonest about the human condition, people enjoy inflicting pain and discomfort. Even a passive receptionist who normally wouldn’t say boo to a goose might say something unkind about a colleague’s dress. Nor do I feel the excitement, the buzz of his adrenalin pumping activities in Iraq.

Normally if I feel so negative about a book I don’t offer any thoughts however you are clearly a seriously good writer bursting with high concepts and ambition. I find myself seeking to hang onto your coat tails to learn more. You are full of ability and ideas looking to create a shell in which to articulate them. There is wonderful dialogue, sharp prose, strong narrative with a good sense of place.

Your references to Virgil in Chapter two (I don’t think we learn his Christian name in chapter one) and the context of your writing evoke Dante’s Inferno, something you mentioned in your message to me. So we have a superb layering of ideas here. Perhaps Virgil is our “human” commentator in hell. Our guide. And enter stage left Faust. Lots of potential here.

I appreciate your character’s observation “... time and space are whatever we decide they are. Hence they are naught but a mental construct.” Perhaps this informs the style and structure you have chosen. However for me is too confusing and distracting.

I loved the initial bounces between time and place in Cane’s life. The italics were a necessary and perfectly adequate aid to tell me where I was, but then you moved into a third place and time. Yet each time the section was too short to allow the reader to get a grip on what was happening.

It was like playing squash with three balls hammering around the court simultaneously. I fear you will lose many readers quite early on. Would it be better to have a shorter chapter one dealing just with the two events occurring together?

Your work is so unique the only novel I feel approaches it is Louis de Bernières’ The Troublesome Offspring of Cardinal Guzman. This is a novel whereby we cut back and fore between many different people, events, times and place. This includes spending time INSIDE the body of one of the characters watching his body grow tumours and hearing/feeling the tumours view of life. It is as mad as a box of balloons but works (I think) because he stays with an event for longer than yourself. We get to know the tumour and the generals and the lovers.

I am not convinced that an MTV video approach to a novel works. The hard cutting after a few frames of prose jolts me too much. What’s fine for Beyonce and her lovely backside may not be so good for a narrative.

However prove me wrong! Please. Have another crack at it and see if you can make it glide a little better.

There are good reasons why this novel is so high up the charts in Authonomy: the writing, the magical brilliance, originality and damn good prose but I fear the structure is too challenging for many. For me we are talking of tweaks not major surgery. Perhaps chapter one should be just about two events. Chap two to fly in a couple more. Something more to help me hook up to Cain. I appreciate I may have missed the point. Our Virgil might just be a cipher, a viewer of events but this leaves the reader disengaged a dangerous path in my view.

As Colombo might put it, “Oh, one other, small matter before I go." “Why are all hospitals cold” jarred with me because in Europe they are always too hot and stuffy.

Good luck with this Doug it is fantastic to see such talent grasp ambitious conceits and seek to make them work. I am going to rate your novel highly because of those aspects, many of your thoughts are hewn from the worlds contemporary problems and to encourage others to read it and leave notes. I may be in a lonely minority of a one with my views and others may love this helter skelter of a ride just as it is.

S L Stockford Fresco
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Stuart

I have reached chapter 5, (or your chap 4 inc prologue) and am impressed and drawn along by your writing skills and narrative. I am not surprised this is riding so high in the charts here.

About half way through the prologue you wrote: “They approach in the distance; hundreds of them. Scuttling, jumping, crawling their way through the pouring rain … a sea of evil urging towards me.”
This is so arresting and nightmarish I wonder if it ought to start the prologue. I don’t believe anyone could NOT read beyond a line as evocative as that.

As you have seen from the comments other have written everyone has a different take on your writing but here are some points I feel you might like to contemplate:

1. In chapter one you spend a great deal of time introducing characters rather than letting their backstory emerge from the writing. Take a look at Mayfield Maleficarum on this site for a brilliant way of keeping the reader locked into the story but allowing them to learn all the character’s backstory.
2. Your prose is a little too passive at times eg: “I’d been lying awake for hours” is more striking as “I’d lie awake for hours.”
3. Chapter One starts with the protagonist waking up, going down for breakfast, meet and greet his family etc. I have been told by readers in publishing houses this is a suicidal start. They don’t want to read about someone waking up in the morning, having their breakfast and going to work but are inundated with prospective writers offering them this. You have laid a few hooks with your excellent prologue but I fear not enough to get the impatient reader through your present chapter one.
4. You have made life hard for yourself by having a hero who is a passive, loser. I am not sure characters like this entice the reader. For example he is allowed to hate his bullies, that would give him some dark depth. At present he just accepts his situation.
5. Also his bullying is pretty pedestrian. A bit of jostling and name calling. Can you think up some really wicked prank they might pull on this passive loser? Remember they know Alex won’t fight back so he is at their mercy. As an idea: throw water over his pants to make it look as though he has wet himself. Paint his hair luminous green. I bet you can come up with something.truly horrible.
6. I cannot see why Gabriella is attracted to him. My understanding of women is as bleak as the next man’s but passive; wimps do not appear to be top of their rating list. However I appreciate you may have a neat twist later in the narrative to explain why she likes him. At the moment I am unconvinced. This being her first day etc., could Alex do something to help her? Anything for the reader to understand why she might like him. Eg what if the bullies sent her to the wrong lecture theatre as a laugh and Alex was able to redirect her. She would then be on his side against the bullies.



Despite my reservations your writing is sharp enough to carry me through to Chapter 3 and here is my reward. The nightmare in the graveyard is brilliantly visualised and felt. Now I feel you’re story’s engine is running at full pelt. Now I need to know more.

You have excellent foundations here and I will read more, desperate to find out what his nightmares are about.

Good luck and I will definitely give this a high score and hopefully keep you in the top 5. You are writing for an established market so I think the wind is in your sails. Your success here I am sure will be reflected in bookshops.

S L Stockford Fresco






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Norton,

Thank you for the detailed feedbackto my novel Fresco.

A publisher who worked with me for a year saw it as a novel in the genre of Da Vinci Code. I must say I never quite felt that myself seeing it more as a thriller, though I can see the connections obviously.

You offer an interesting thought about the house repossession to up the ante. I may well purloin that idea so thank you.

Some of the other points you raised are answered further down the line in the narrative.

Someone else pointed out a theatrical feel which is interesting. And yes I do write in “acts” so you are correct that is the end of the first act.
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