I think you need to edit severely. Far too many of your sentences read like statements or stage directions. It's a long book so cutting it by half shouldn't be a problem. Writing in the past tense might help, too. That way you get perspective. The present tense is hard to pull off, especially if you... view book

LF40. I found it difficult initially to engage with your MC but having read two chapters now I'm starting to get a better picture. If only I could say the same about Avery, who doesn't seem to have much of a presence. Likewise Brayden is pretty sketchy. Camden is more solid but I struggled with Vi's... view book

FMFR. What a great first chapter. It's funny without any obvious jokes. Everything, the humour, the characterisation, the plot leaks out like it should, almost unseen and without contrivance. And then there's Ralph. A proper vampire methinks, one promising no end of fun and shenanigans. I have to ma... view book

Sigh. In a good way of course. It's raining; it's a Sunday, I'm drinking tea and feeling a tad reflective. Thought I'd sit down and read another chapter. Read four now so here's some comments. The title is great, the writing captivating but I'm wondering who your target audience is. This is quite a ... view book

Having read the first two chapters and looked at the remainder two things come to mind. Firstly this is a rough-cut of a novel; I love the narrative voice, which in part comes from the often odd sentence structure, but it's difficult to tell whether this is intentional or merely haphazard. Either wa... view book