RCG Review

1) I think the pitch is great. It doesn't give too much away, but even fourteen chapters in, I'm still thinking about it because I'm wondering about that near disaster that you mentioned back in the pitch. I would suggest two things: First, (and I was given the same crit about mine before I changed it) is to possibly break it up into smaller paragraphs so that readers don't skim over what looks like such a big chunk of text. Secondly, I think you give a little too much info about Mac here. Maybe cut it off after "teaching her how to be happy again."

2) As for the plot, well, the requirement of the crit is three chapters, and so far I've read fourteen, so... what does that say? I found this very readable. If you're shooting for a traditional romance, I think you have a good set-up, but you would maybe want to introduce Mac a little sooner, or have more of a development with the business manager. And honestly, she seems repulsed by him (sorry, can't remember his name right now), but I'm not sure why because he seems decent. Maybe add in a few details about what makes him unattractive. Bad breath? Lousy taste in clothes? Six inches shorter than her? I wouldn't over-do it, but Mac needs to seem like the obviously better choice.

3) I think you've hit a good pace here with these chapters. They deal with some of the details of getting the café up and running without getting tedious, and there's always something coming up that makes me want to move on to the next chapter. However, (and this is partially spelling/grammar,) I did find a lot of comma splices, especially in dialogue, which tend to both confuse a bit and speed up the reader...

4) So, comma splices (sorry if you know this already, but here's my English teacher moment) are when a comma connects two phrases that could be separate sentences, and therefore makes a run-on. Now, I've been accused of using too many commas and making my sentences too long also, so no one's perfect! :) But, I think in many of these cases an em-dash might suit your needs better. Another fix would be to use a semi-colon in between, but those should be used *very sparingly* in fiction. For example, in the first chapter you say, "Lexi decided to change the subject, Becky and their mutual friend Nina never understood where Mark was coming from." I would probably change it to "...subject-- Becky..." I also noticed that you tend to use semi-colons when really you want a colon to start a list. The most notable example is the very first sentence, which really needs to be perfect. Sorry if this seems a little nit-picky! Punctuation is part of a writer's toolbox, and blah, blah, blah. :)

5) I thought the dialogue seemed realistic, especially between the friends. I also liked that you included text messaging, as that is so ubiquitous as to count as dialogue these days, I think. I noticed you used a different font for the texts, but for me, it wasn't quite different enough to set it apart from the rest of the text, so I would maybe use italics as well, just to make them more clear.

6) I found the voice very familiar and casual, which is perfect for the genre. There was some British slang thrown in that, for Americans, adds to the fun without impeding comprehension. In other words, just the right amount.

7) Lexi is a perfect heroine for this story as I feel most women would be able to relate to her well. The f-wit (haha-- love it!) is also very well executed because I hated him, and yet at the same time, he wasn't so awful (violent or carousing, etc.) as to make her seem stupid and unlikeable for staying with him so long. It seemed like a very believable break-up. I'm also looking forward to seeing more about the MIL-as-villain and how that will play out. Meanwhile, Mac comes in like a knight-in-shining-armor. I also like that he gives her such mixed signals because I really don't know what he's up to or what's going to happen next! I would note, that to me Becky and Nina are practically indistinguishable characters, but as they are both friends and minor characters, that is probably not really an issue.

Overall, well done! I hope my comments have been helpful and best of luck to you!

~Ella Black
Café Trocadéro view book

Dear Clair,

Read the first chapter and love the premise! I'm a Queen fan as well, so I was delighted that "Fat Bottomed Girls" was a direct reference-- love that song. Anyway, what you have here promises to be a fun adventure with two very likeable characters I feel anyone could relate to. Doesn't everyone dream of winning the lottery? Witty and fun. My only suggestions are a good edit, as there are some sentences that are a tad confusing for lack of commas, and I was a little thrown by the mentioning of the sons. I didn't realize earlier that they were divorced ladies that would have children in their twenties, as the roommate/best friend situation made me picture them as late twenties and I didn't do the math of the dates. Looking forward to seeing hijinks ensue.

Highly starred, backed, and best of luck to you!
Ella Black
Café Trocadéro view book

I've taken a look at the first two chapters, and so far, I'm charmed. There's great conversation that shines with characterization, and I'm loving the setting. My only suggestion thus far would be a bit more physical description of the characters, especially Jack, as he seems to be the love interest. I look forward to reading more and seeing how the story develops.

Highly starred and best of luck to you,
Ella Black
Café Trocadéro view book

Hi Melissa,

Thanks for the comments on CAFÉ TROCADÉRO! Here are a few notes from the first four chapters that I read in return...

The first chapter seemed like a lot more "tell" than "show" to me. Sam tells us who she is as a character and how she feels about the other characters, rather than letting us as readers get to know them naturally through their interactions. That being said, the further along the story progresses, the better that aspect gets. By the third and fourth chapters, you've transitioned to truly showing the story through each character's point-of-view. So, my biggest critique would be to work on that aspect from the very beginning. Otherwise, I was drawn into the story and feel like you do a great job of portraying authentic teenage characters and building suspense from chapter to chapter.

I hope my comments are helpful to you and best of luck as you continue writing!

All the best,
Ella Black view book

Hi Stephanie,

I've read through the first two chapters, and here are my immediate thoughts:

You do a great job of describing the characters and creating personalities that feel real and natural. I'm able to picture the scenes and get carried along with a narrator that is likeable. I feel like she's telling me her story like a trusted girlfriend, which is perfect for chick lit. As other commenters mentioned, I think you do a great job of using the present tense, which seems to be gaining popularity, but is often difficult to pull off.

I noticed a lot of comma errors, especially during dialogue. They can make the sentences unclear, and could turn off editors who don't want to have to go through and fix everything. So, if you aren't sure how to fix them, I would have someone who does go through and look at that specifically.

Also, the first few paragraphs are backstory that is obviously important, but I didn't feel like it related directly to the story that begins after. The first sentences are engaging, but I felt like the following paragraphs were repetitive and even kind of cliché. Yes, something bad happened to her, but I think a lot of that emotion and information could come out more naturally through the telling of the story. For example, you do a good job of that when she talks about feeling jealous of the baby's mother and grandmother. It also would add a little more conflict and intrigue to the story to learn slowly why she has such relationship issues.

I hope these comments make sense and are of help to you!

Good luck and best wishes,
Ella Black


view book

Hi Elke!

Thanks so much for the comments on my project. I think yours has a lot of promise, too. You have a solid premise and I want to know what happens to David and Ella! I read through the first two chapters as promised, and you have some great descriptions and analogies. We also get to see into Ella's head.

However, I would echo some other commenters' advice that you have a bit too much telling, and not enough showing. The pace races along in these two chapters, glossing over much of the developing relationship. Slowing down and developing some key scenes that let us experience their time together would be much more engaging. For example, you do a good job of this when she has the measles and David arrives unexpectedly, but I would have liked to have heard more of their conversation. After the initial moment of introduction you tell us that they both realize that they're attracted to each other, but I would rather be in the moment with them and feel that connection through her experience. The best books let us live vicariously through the characters, after all!

This is one of the same issues I'm struggling with in my writing, too. I was recommended this site: http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1487083-Show-Vs-Tell which I found helpful. Take my advice or leave it as you will. :) I look forward to reading additional chapters this summer.

Best wishes!
Ella Black
Café Trocadéro view book

I've read through the first four scenes, and here are my immediate thoughts:

First of all, I'm not familar with screenwriting, so I can't speak to that. However, I found the dialogue pithy, witty, and charming. Are you familar with Dr. Suess's "Fox in Socks?" You have a flavor of that, and I mean that to be complimentary. Great alliteration. Love hearing all that silliness coming from the mouths of politicians.

From an American point-of-view, there were quite a few British-isms that I'm not familiar with, but that adds to the charm for most of us Yanks. As long as it doesn't interfere with major plot points, anyway. Also, I don't know how in tune you are with American media or politics, but the FOX news channel here represents the far-right conservative view, so I wasn't sure if that was a connotation you intended. In context, it's quite plausible, and would make an interesting layer of satire on its own.

Either way, thank you for inviting me to take a peek. I enjoyed it immensely.

-Ella view book

I just read through the first two chapters, and honestly-- brilliant. Very clean prose with just the right amount of grit. I can see it being "too literary" for many, but I find this collection very finely crafted. I will be interested to read more.

Thanks for the friend request.

-Ella view book