Nicole-
Thank you for the start forward critisism and for providing examples. The idea is to get better. This will definitely help me to improve the work. I can see how I am telling the story and not showing it. That is a challenge I have at times because I want the reading to understand how the conversation takes place. I guess I need to let them do more. Thank you again.

Hi JD

A few comments:

The long pitch is a bit "bitty" - it seems to start several times, giving us glimpses into the story without a clear idea of the high concept.
Good short prologue
First para: switches from past historic tense, to present, and back to past tense. Avoid tense changes.
"freshman year", "freshmen were kings of the middle school"
Omit "it was at that moment that"
"No one could make her laugh like Jackson, no one" - change in pov to Ellie's pov not advisable. Stick to one pov if poss within each scene
avoid adverbs modifying speech eg "sarcastically" - it's looked on as "telling not showing"
leave out the sentence "as tragic as that event had been" - telling not showing
I like Jackson's girlish scream and the smell of an Oregon summer - very real
no need for "with a hint of sarcasm" and "feeling defeated"
suggest using more contractions "I'll, I'm, you're" etc in the dialogue to make it sound less stilted
I like the business about the Twinkie rules - natural

I found this very sweet and natural, and you have a nice straightforward narrative style, although possibly the first chapter could have moved along a little faster. From the pitch, it sounds like they have lots of adventure ahead of them and they are both sympathetic characters that the reader will enjoy spending time with. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

view book

Nicole-
Thank you for the start forward critisism and for providing examples. The idea is to get better. This will definitely help me to improve the work. I can see how I am telling the story and not showing it. That is a challenge I have at times because I want the reading to understand how the conversation takes place. I guess I need to let them do more. Thank you again.

Hi JD

A few comments:

The long pitch is a bit "bitty" - it seems to start several times, giving us glimpses into the story without a clear idea of the high concept.
Good short prologue
First para: switches from past historic tense, to present, and back to past tense. Avoid tense changes.
"freshman year", "freshmen were kings of the middle school"
Omit "it was at that moment that"
"No one could make her laugh like Jackson, no one" - change in pov to Ellie's pov not advisable. Stick to one pov if poss within each scene
avoid adverbs modifying speech eg "sarcastically" - it's looked on as "telling not showing"
leave out the sentence "as tragic as that event had been" - telling not showing
I like Jackson's girlish scream and the smell of an Oregon summer - very real
no need for "with a hint of sarcasm" and "feeling defeated"
suggest using more contractions "I'll, I'm, you're" etc in the dialogue to make it sound less stilted
I like the business about the Twinkie rules - natural

I found this very sweet and natural, and you have a nice straightforward narrative style, although possibly the first chapter could have moved along a little faster. From the pitch, it sounds like they have lots of adventure ahead of them and they are both sympathetic characters that the reader will enjoy spending time with. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

view book

Nicole-
Thank you for the start forward critisism and for providing examples. The idea is to get better. This will definitely help me to improve the work. I can see how I am telling the story and not showing it. That is a challenge I have at times because I want the reading to understand how the conversation takes place. I guess I need to let them do more. Thank you again.

Hi JD

A few comments:

The long pitch is a bit "bitty" - it seems to start several times, giving us glimpses into the story without a clear idea of the high concept.
Good short prologue
First para: switches from past historic tense, to present, and back to past tense. Avoid tense changes.
"freshman year", "freshmen were kings of the middle school"
Omit "it was at that moment that"
"No one could make her laugh like Jackson, no one" - change in pov to Ellie's pov not advisable. Stick to one pov if poss within each scene
avoid adverbs modifying speech eg "sarcastically" - it's looked on as "telling not showing"
leave out the sentence "as tragic as that event had been" - telling not showing
I like Jackson's girlish scream and the smell of an Oregon summer - very real
no need for "with a hint of sarcasm" and "feeling defeated"
suggest using more contractions "I'll, I'm, you're" etc in the dialogue to make it sound less stilted
I like the business about the Twinkie rules - natural

I found this very sweet and natural, and you have a nice straightforward narrative style, although possibly the first chapter could have moved along a little faster. From the pitch, it sounds like they have lots of adventure ahead of them and they are both sympathetic characters that the reader will enjoy spending time with. Backed.

Nicole
Chosen

view book

I am enjoying the read and I look forward to reading some more. Overall is really well written. It seems there may be a few cases were you use past and present tense in the same sentence(something I am guilty of in my own writing), but other than that...superb. Good luck
Zack
Mermentau: Seal of the Forgotten view book

Will- Thanks for the heads up. After making changes it always seems like a mistake can pop up that wasn't there before. Thank you for looking out for another writer. Good Luck.
Zack

The summer, the tire swing, the girl almost nexrt store. What more can we ask in a summmer love tale. But wait, there's darkness lurking. Definitely more to come.

Well done. A fine start.

I suggest you go over it again, with a fine tooth comb for typosand spags. "He had the teeth of baboon." And there's one in your brief bio. Editors, and many readers will knock for those.

Good luck with your fine story.

See you at the ED.

Sincerely,

Will

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Lynne-

I am really enjoying how the story is developing. You do a good job of describing a place I have never seen before and making it real. The relationships are very tangible. Good Luck
Backed.
Zack
Mermentau: Seal of the Forgotten view book

Elvis- I like your writing style; the way it is narrated, yet thought is interjected into the narration. I am not real knowledgable on tech stuff so either you really know your lingo or you have me fooled. Good piece of work.
Backed.
Zack
Mermentau: Seal of the Forgotten (Give a look when you have a chance) view book