Swap. Sorry it's taken me so long!

First off, I just want to say that I adore the imagery and description. Your descriptions are particularly immersive and well-integrated with the action. The book starts off really well, immediately drawing the reader into the action. I also really liked how you ended the first chapter; the cliffhanger works really well!

The only thing I would say is that at first, I didn't recognise the setting to be Iraq. I don't know if it's just because I've been reading too much Game of Thrones, but I think that you should identify the location sooner. The way that the Paragons work, especially their introduction in the shadows, makes it seem more like a fantasy opening.

Anyway, it's a nitpick. Everything else seems really polished and ready to go!

Backed, with all the hope that it reaches the editors :)

Georgia view book

Hi!

First off, I was really intrigued by your pitch. I mean, how /does/ that happen? But in saying that, I also felt that you were trying too hard with a lot of your jokes and as a result they fell flat. You also alluded to them before they happened, which then meant that the reader was expecting them. I know writing a first chapter is difficult, but I feel that you need to come up with a better hook, or else you'll lose readers who didn't see the funny side of it.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi!

First off, really interesting premise! I'd read on.

You definitely don't need the first two opening paragraphs, although you could probably keep the first sentence, since it's such a great hook. Also, don't dress up your language too much; instead of 'the vibrations originating in my pocket', it's much clearer to say 'ignoring my phone'. Saying that, however, I really enjoyed your descriptions of the setting. You use a lot of strong imagery.

I also really like the dialogue you swing back and forth between the two characters.

With a bit of polishing, I'd definitely buy this book. Although there are flaws, you have such great characters that it's easier to overlook them.

Backed! Hope this helps!

Georgia view book

Hi!

So, your first paragraph is not the most enticing. You don't need to make so much out of moving boxes back and forth. Get to why it's a problem as fast as you can. The next couple of paragraphs are very confusing. Are you sure this is young adult? Part of the massive appeal of young adult is that it deals with universal themes that all of us experience as teenagers: discovering our identities, social anxieties, loneliness, moral choices. Most teenagers don't think so far ahead as to babies.

This is interesting so far, but it's certainly not young adult. This may have a teenager in it, but it's adult, without a doubt.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi there!

First off, this is quirky. I like the idea a lot and the overall writing is okay. However, there are a lot of repetitions and run on sentences, neither of which will appeal to the reader. Also, even as an eighteen-year-old, I feel that the writing here is both slightly patronising and condescending. Thirteen-year-olds don't speak like that. Maybe eight-year-olds, but at thirteen, you are certainly capable of more mature dialogue than that. Fix the dialogue and make the writing overall more mature; it might help to read some books for thirteen-year-olds and see how they achieve the voice without coming across as condescending. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is a great example (and he's actually twelve), as are the Agent Angel series and the Artemis Fowl books.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi! I'm sorry I've taken so long to get to you - uni work sort of caught up with me.

Straight away, I'm going to say that your first paragraph could be more enticing. It's okay as it stands now, but you need to be more specific; don't be too vague in the beginning. Again, the vague faith comments further down the page would probably put off a casual reader. There's nothing wrong with a book about faith - I recently enjoyed Girl of Fire and Thorns - but I think for an introduction, introducing such a deep topic comes across as heavy-handed.

Opening with a nightmare may also not be the best way to introduce your novel. Dreams are considered cliche, no matter how well written, and you might find yourself struggling to convince readers if you plunge into action only to pull them right out again.

You've got some good imagery going on, particularly when Miah reads the Scriptures.

At the end of chapter one, I'm not sure whether I want to quit or press on. There's not a lot of substance in chapter one, and I think that although I'd probably read on a couple of chapters, if the pace didn't pick up, I'd get bored. I don't tend to read in the religion genre, but if the book's good enough, I'll plunge ahead anyway. Think about plot first; not the implications behind it.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi! This is for our read swap.

Good introduction. It's interesting and I can tell that there is some serious conflict coming up. However, I wouldn't say she 'wore' skin for the pure sake of it not sounding right.

You should clarify who the 'young girl' is, as it appears that there are two of them. I'm not sure whether he's looking at the dead woman, or a new character you've just introduced.

This is just a personal quip, but I hate it when every single female is described as physically delicate and fragile. Women are not made of glass - an interesting point to think about when constructing more realistic female characters.

The dialogue between Asphodel and the unnamed girl is a bit strained.

There's an awful lot of reminiscing in this short introduction. Perhaps too much, as the reader already understands the introductory conflict by now.

Nice way to wrap up an ending while similarly pushing forward to the next chapter. Onwards!

In the first paragraph of chapter two, slight quibble over tenses; the way you've done it does not flow naturally. Either find a more natural way to do it, or change it all to past tense. I do, however, really like the way you've described the scenario. Excellent use of vivid verbs.

See, the dialogue between Chris and Matt is great; there's some real banter going on between the two of them. However, you probably don't need to add the backstory of their friendship unless it has something crucial to do with the plot. You could probably leave at, "Matt was his best friend from college, and although he was doing *insert thing here* now, he still dropped in to say hi from time to time." The reader can figure out/ imagine the rest. Besides, from the dialogue, we already know that Matt is not exactly a philanthropist.

Again, there are few things that appear to be redundant. Careful, you're repeating yourself - in this case, with the commentary on the east side gang members.

Ahhh! Not more backstory! The readers don't need to know this. At all. If they really, really do, it's not something you want to put in the first chapter. Also, you should spell out numbers.

Anyway, this is where I stop off. It's got a great premise and I more or less like the prose, but the chunks of backstory keep pulling us out of the main action. Get to the point. Don't waste it on backstory. If it has to come in, let the exposition trickle in through the entire novel.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi!

In the beginning paragraph, there is quite a lot of repetition of words and phrases ie. 'shadows' and 'from the blank'. I also think that the 'ghost made of shadows' is fairly redundant. If it's a ghost, then it's going to be transparent/ shadow-like/ wraith-like; the reader already has a sharp image in their heads and needs no further cues. "Stopping outside the door, he did not realise he was five feet away from Death" is a particularly clumsy sentence and I pick this out only because it's clearly the hook.

Lots of use of passive verbs. Be more direct because A. it's a pet peeve of pretty much any reader, publisher or agent and B. it really slows down the pace, which is clearly supposed to be tense here.

Is the repeated key dropping necessary? I also feel like this scene would be better without dialogue, as it alleviates the tension somewhat.

You don't need to describe the man halfway through the introduction because it decreases the tension and interrupts the narrative. There's also a lot of exposition here that is completely unnecessary. Focus on the here and now. Tension is so key in the mystery genre.

Right now, all of your sentences are fairly long. You might want to shorten them to speed up the pace.

I feel like the dialogue (or rather, monologue) should be internalised because right now, it's only interrupting the narrative.

I like your descriptions. They're vivid and detailed. The only thing I would suggest is to maybe integrate them better with the action in order to increase the pace of the novel.

I've only read the introduction, but I feel like there are several issues that need addressing, which is why I hesitate to go further. I like your descriptions and I like the premise - who doesn't like a good mystery? - but the pace does not match with the intended reader reaction (I'm assuming tension/ intense burning desire to read on). It seems like this is because there is a lot of passive voice, perhaps too much description (including the chunks of paragraph that pull the reader away from the immediate tension) and not enough sentence variation. I do think that this has promise, though, and I will watchlist it for now.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi!

Primarily, it seems like you have excessive use of the passive voice. It's a pet peeve of many readers and really slows down the pace. I'd recommend switching to more direct verbs. Some of the descriptions - such as 'dirt dropping' - seem slightly awkward as well. Readers will much more easily identify with something like 'dirt falling' rather than 'dropping'.

The beginning of your story needs to get to the point faster. Adult readers may be more willing to accept a slower developing storyline, but if a child wants to read about the magic brass doorknob, they want to read about it from the word go. Perhaps cut to the point with the brass doorknob and start from there; it would elicit a much stronger inclination to read, as the element of mystery becomes present very quickly.

This is clearly for younger children - maybe 8-10 - and I don't think they are usually aware of female body image issues. With their peers, if someone is overly fat, then yes, but otherwise, no. If you still want to present this image, then use more vivid images.

I feel like Aunt Sarah is a particularly flat antagonist. So far, she feels like a pale reflection of Aunt Marge in Harry Potter, but without the interesting fleshed-out parts.

Also, why is Mum not saying something to Aunt Sarah? Dad is HER husband after all. The reaction to this feels illogical and contrived.

"She'd be furious, but I wasn't bothered. I was mad with them all." A much better way of expressing emotion would be to get inside Ricky's head a bit more. You're using first person and could be utilising it much better here.

A children's book is not usually terribly long, and we have spent a whole chapter not hearing about the doorknob, with no understanding that there is magic involved. This could be contemporary fiction, for all I know. Good first chapters make it clear from the start what the conflict is and what the genre is, all while building tension and anticipation for the next chapter. Get to the point much sooner and sharpen up the prose. Pay attention to how other children's writers use first person and describe emotion.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Hi!

Okay, first off, I like the premise and I like that you push us into the action. It's pretty quirky and I'm definitely intrigued. There a few things that I'm slightly confused about, however. I'm not sure about Daniel's ethnicity - he speaks like an Englishman, but he's at uni in Munich, so he's got to be proficient in German at the very least if he's not from Germany... I also found it odd how easily he accepted Herr Wolff. Especially in this day and age - and especially since he's a uni student - I feel that he (and anyone for that matter) would be more cynical about the matter. Is there anything that you could add to 'prove' to Daniel that Herr Wolff is legitimate? Also, I feel like he would need some more bribery. A sort of, "Do I get paid at all for doing this?" Also, for someone who is supposed to be a journalist, he should be instantly suspicious. Even to someone unfamiliar with illicit activities, this is almost certainly something most people would not be okay with.

I want to like this, I really do, and I feel like the premise could potentially go a long way, but my biggest problem right now is that the benefits for Daniel are not big enough for him to do the first job. There needs to be some more personal gain before I buy into the rest of the story. I would also like to see more of Daniel's journalistic interest, since that appears to be his main goal.

Despite this, I think it shows great promise. Watchlisted :)

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book

Okay, so first up, lots of good stuff going here. The descriptions are pretty solid and the tale is intriguing enough that I'd keep going. I like the opening scene in particular; however, there doesn't seem enough significance on the dead boy, and I'm not sure that I care enough about him. The way it's written now, it feels like it's an isolated incident and therefore not that significant. It also feels a little info-dumpy and repetitive at times. Especially for a prelude, you want to keep the details as concrete as possible. You don't even need to tell the reader any of the specifics; from the way that the barman cleans the bar, we already know that this is going to be a fantasy book. Set the scene as quickly as possible without explaining the whys and wherefores.

The dialogue could be tighter. As it stands, it's a little repetitive at times.

Really clumsy opening paragraphs for chapter one. You could definitely do with a smoother opening. Describe without explaining and chances are that the reader will pick up the info that you want to convey. The descriptions are also a bit clumsy. Try and arrange it so that the character interacts with the scenery, rather than describing the scenery and then the character. Integration of the two is key. There are also a lot of tense changes that should be addressed. Stick to one tense.

Seems to be that you haven't proof-read this because there are a lot of mistakes that could be caught with a quick read through.

Hope this helps!
Georgia view book