Just echoing the rest of the praise already voiced here. Well done!

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

Fun premise and definitely promises a good ride. I'm normally not a YA reader - save the Maximum Ride series - but I like the international setting and quick pace of the book. All in all, a good read!

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

Thoelogically speaking, I'm going to need to dig a lot further to figure out how I really feel on this one. This kind of has a "Velvet Elvis" feel to it with its choppy style. But just a few more sentences wouldn't hurt. This definitely has the most one sentence paragraphs of any book I've ever seen. All the best to you. Enjoy, authonomites.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

Your affinity for your story and your characters shows through in your writing. It's affectionate and well handled. You've taken a well worn story and managed to craft a new story arc out of it. Well imagined.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

I mean this with all loving kindness as one whose writing suffers from lack of editing as well... I'm working through ch 14 and you have a desperate need for some basic punctuation. The proof-reader in me has his skin crawling from missing periods and commas. That aside, it's a fascinating look into a life that most of us could never imagine. Thanks for sharing it.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

It was interesting to me that chapters 1-2 were almost entirely story and chapters 3-4 nearly all dialogue. I generally like more of a blend. However, you are such a good storyteller that it didn't change my mind one bit about reading on. Best wishes on staying in the top 5!

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

I really like stories that take me on a ride both in story arc and geographically. This promises both. The pitch is great and I like the jedi mind trick that weaves its way through the opening section.

There are some opportunities to be a bit more efficient with your prose, but that's just a stylistic comment for my tastes. For example,

"He darted a quick glance at the watch on his wrist..."

Darted, quick and glance all convey the same image to me. And where else would the watch be but on his wrist? I think you could simply say, "He glanced at his watch..."

That being said, I loved the use of some of your other descriptions. "...like a relief map of some rocky desert." That painted such a vivid picture of the man for me. Though you follow with a description of his fraile hands and then tell me that they are sinewy strong. That strikes me as contradictory, but maybe it was intentional.

Justa few things to consider. A fun read indeed.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

Welcome to Authonomy. I hope you enjoy your time here. Just a quick suggestion, you're off to a good start with your stories, but a lot of people won't veer give them a shot without a strong pitch. Working that out will ensure you get a lot more backings and comments - that and reading, backing and commenting on other people's books!

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

A fun, descriptive fantasy world. This strikes me as one of those stories where you've created entire languages that the characters speak.

Backed.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

Fair Critter review:

Let me preface this by saying that I am definitely not your target audience. This is actually the first romance novel I've ever even considered reading. So, to be fair, let me stick to some more practical feedback.

Original - Revised
"his deep chocolate eyes" - "his deep, chocolate eyes"
"Damn damn damn!" - "Damn, damn, damn!"
"my parents' divorce" - "my parent's divorce"
"Hi there Samantha." - "Hi there, Samantha."

I'm not an expert with tenses, but you seem to switch occassionally, for example:
Original - "It occurred to me that he really was my best friend. He'd helped me study for my French exam, even though he couldn't speak a word of the language. I'd told him about my parents' divorce after my mom's affair and he held me while I cried. He made up silly songs on the piano just to make me laugh."

Revised - It occurred to me that he really was my best friend. He helped me study for my French exam, even though he couldn't speak a word of the language. I told him about my parent's divorce after my mom's affair and he held me while I cried. He made up silly songs on the piano just to make me laugh.

I could be flat wrong about that, but it seems more consistent that way.

One last thing... The last sentence in the last paragraph had me scratching my head a bit. "crushing me lovingly and gleefully like a child with a bug in its fist." That analogy didn't really work for me. I thought about it for a while and I just ended up being confused by it.

Sorry I can't provide more insight into this genre! You do have talent as a writer - of that there is no doubt. Hope this helps.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

I've never actually read a zombie book, but I definitely love Zombie movies. Just got done with Zombieland (twice) and am still laughing about it. I love the twist on the genre you've spun. Clever and right up my alley. While I like the horror zombie movies, I like the ones that don't take themselves too seriously, which you don't.

One things for consideration... You say that Fred can't breath, but in the next paragraph you mention that the air reeked of burnt gasoline. Seems inconsistent to me.

Well written! Backed.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

Welcome to Authonomy and thanks for bringing such an imaginative story. I love adventure stories and this definitely fits the bill.

I thought I'd bring out something that I noticed. You have a good bit of dialogue in the story, but it can be a bit much to follow with all the narrative intertwined. Sometimes it is good to simply let the dialogue tell the story. Not all the time, but I think the occassional use of this method would help it keep moving along. That's my 2 cents - hope it helps.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

This almost has a commentary feel to it - though through topics instead of through an entire book of scripture. I love the fact that you use so much scripture. Too many Christian books seek to tell a story and almost completely neglect the Word. However, my concern for you is that you use SO much scripture, it's difficult for me to pick up a consistent story from you. If this is simply educational for one who does not know Christ then maybe it's just a point of editing that will help the continuity. However, if you're seeking to teach believers something then it would help this believer to know w bit more of what you're seeking to accomplish up front.

All the best to you in Christ, brother.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

I really like this story. A good concept reminiscent of LOTR and other such adventures. The idea of the Wall and the adventure that lies beyond offers significant possibiities. I'd like to know a bit more about the heroine before she goes off in search of what's on the other side, but I'm sure she'll be drawn more as the story goes along.

The one thing I noticed in your style is that you tend to use two basic sentence structures quite a bit. Here's an example (last full paragraph of Ch 1):

"A lusch scent filled her nose, and the edges of her vision started to blur and darken. Tisha tried to stay she was not tired, but her tongue could not form the words."

I noticed that you use this structure over and over and usually in close proximity.... Something, something, something AND something, something, something. Something, something, something BUT something, something, something.

I think some of those could be taken as two sentences: A lusch scent filled her nose. The edges of her visions started to blur and darken.

More stylistic preference really. Just a small thing that you might think about as you go.

Backed!

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret
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I normally would leave a comment on my own page, but I wanted to say a special thank you to Bradley Wind for providing the cover art for my book! I hope you all like it.

Ryan view book

Fair Critter Review:

I lived next door to a bunch of guys from the UK when I was in college and affectionately referred to the as "The Lads". This story definitely made me think of them. And while I can see how the writing style and language evokes the character to a certain degree, this definitely needs a good, thorough edit. There are some very basic capitalization and grammatical errors that need to be corrected, at a minimum. It's not enough to make me disregard the book, but it does make it hard to follow in places.

Even in the pitch, you've left of a period at the end. That kind of thing will keep some people from reading it at all.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

I couldn't agree with the other reviewers more regarding your ability to handle the voice of a 10-year old so well. Most people can't write their own thoughts this well, let alone from a perspective so far removed from that of an adult.

My only comments comes in the first 2 paragraphs of the prologue. In chapter one you refer to the man as "dad," but thereafter refer to him as "Daddy." It would help the continuity for me if he was always "Daddy," but that's a small nit pick on an otherwise solid story.

Well done. Backed.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

As soon as I read in the pitch that she was handcuffed to the table, you had me. Creepy right from the start. I've just gotten through Ch. 1 and I'm a little worried about you already - LOL. You've done a great job of capturing the sociopathic behavior of someone who would do such a thing. Here are a few things I picked up as I read:

The first time you introduce an acronym (CCTV), it should be spelled out (Closed Caption Television) so the audience knows what it means.

"I must have done." This sentence doesn't make any sense to me. Maybe removing the word "done" would do it.

"A mental note to self..." I'm not sure who else a mental note would be to. Should probably say, "Note to self" or "Mental note."

When you talk about CCTV4, you say that both the lounge and the girl are "looking good." This suggests to me that you have the same feeling toward both. If that's the caes, then it's fine. However, if you mean that the lounge is tidy and the girl is beautiful, that would help relay the proper level of importance of each.

Backed.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

David - Thanks for the opportunity to swap chapters. Your comments have provided valuable insight and will make my book better. I only hope I was able to return the favor. Lakshmi is a compellign figure with an amazing story. All the best to you as you tell her story.

Regards,
Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book

You definitely have a hand for this genre. It comes fluidly and you know just how to handle it. Reminds me a bit of This Present Darkness or the Circle Trilogy, which I enjoyed thoroughly. Backed and shelved for further reading.

Ryan
The Steel Town Secret view book