finished the new chapters, quite satisfying, though I'm getting concerned for poor Claude, his happiness, but talk about character development, he's a changed man. can't wait to see how this plays out . . . view book

I was compelled to read it again, that's how good it is! view book

After reading the six chapters initially posted, I thought, well-written, endearing characters, good story, but that it moved too slow and that the emotion needed to be turned up a notch, BLAM! After reading all twenty chapters now posted, I'd like to revise that to say that it's a page-turner and the chemistry is excellent. Freeborn is quite infectious and I can't wait to read the rest of the book! view book

I liked the beginning, with the tension; I pictured Matthias as a Darth Vader-like character, quite cold and menacing and Tristan was an unknown. But then the story slowed down with too much introspection. IMO, this should be edited for effeciency, to get more across with less words, to hold back some of the explanation, and to turn up the confilct up a notch. view book

Rough, very rough, as in lots and lots of errors. As far as the story, a privileged man questions his excessive lifestyle as it's taken away, which one might relate to if they also had a trust fund, which I don't. I made it to Chapter 11. My advice: continue to write, hone your skill, and revisit this later. view book

It is what it is, a tale of redemption at a boy's ranch. I guess the issue I have is that, to me, it's tepid. After the action of the first two chapters, it mellows out like an afterschool special. Maybe he could act as angry as he really is, or have a more difficult transition? Or maybe he could have additional obstacles, like the loss of an arm or a leg? Or coming off his pot addiction? Otherwise, it just seems too typical. Also, I don't really see who the target audience would be, unless it was based off a true story, which could be done with research. view book

First, congrats on making it to #5, hope you hang on and stay on the editor's desk, as it's well deserved.

Second, I finally finished all 35 chapters. What an adventure, quite satisfying, but I'm glad to see that you're doing a 'hardcore edit'.

I know that the situation is dire and the story moves fast, but additional character interactions, a little fun and frolic, especially between Maanta and Anna, could give it more depth.

I can't say that I liked the hike up the mountain just for the sake of it, I thought they were climbing to the cavern entrance, (even though you said it was at the base, being relative to the mountain's size it could still be a ways up there).

Shift's yoda-speak gets cumbersome, especially during the action, and really isn't necessary as none of his people speak that way.

The two chapters of the dream being almost identical made me go back and forth to see if it was a mistake or not.

The overlapping point of view narratives are a little jarring, as are the out of order scenes and the place and time listed at the chapter heading; it doesn't flow if every chapter I have to ask, okay, where are we and who are we with?

The final battle, especially against the dark one, could be more intense. Besides Evanshade, the group just swam off. And maybe Evanshade could have taken out Venge as he . . .

This is just my opinion, one of many, and is meant as constructive criticism. A professional editor would address all this, what makes a book better, pacing, etc. and at this point, if I were you I'd hire one. It'd be the best investment you could make as this is destined to be a best-seller! view book

From the description I thought, okay, 'Children of Men' with a twist, which is what it turned out to be. The writing is polished, the characters endearing, and the dystopian society is introduced/conveyed through the story so it's not cumbersome. This world that's been created has it quirks, but even the quirks have intelligence behind them.

My thoughts are that time passes too slowly for us to see this to fruition without major jumps, the emotion needs to be turned up a few notches, BLAM!, and, besides chewing, there's another bodily sensation I don't believe we can live without in some fashion no matter what. view book

This thing is damn excellent. Hurry up and get it published so I can finish reading it! view book

The book is quite incredible, well-imagined, I love this world you've created. I'm having a hard time with the dialogue though. It's one thing to have a character or two who speak differently, but to have this be the norm, everyone speaking like Yoda, is jarring, but I'll continue to read, if only to see to what depths the story goes . . . view book

I love this world that JLH created, so unique, fun, peaceful, and magical. The characters are lovable and you feel like you're with them on their journey. The writing is perfect, augmented by his ingenuity, it's such a marvel. There's so much meaning in the story, beyond my comprehension, but you can feel its wisdom. I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment. view book

Your style is quite simple, not dripping with imagery or staccato to heighten tension. It's quite unique and comfortable, something to sit back on a lazy afternoon and enjoy.

The story couldn't be more intriguing, and is as fun as it is bizarre. I truly believe that a chicken (excuse me for being racist) works for that company! view book