monicque recent comments

written 1021 days ago
cherry

Hi James,
Very funny first little bit! (chap 1).
Hm, I read on through the next two chapters. I quite liked this, it was very different and unique, and written quite well. Some of the words jarred me, I remember being jarred at 'bloody strips'. I thought maybe remove the 'bloody.' I'll read on anyway, and highly rate you.
Thanks!
Monicque. xx view book

written 1024 days ago
cherry

Yeah, this is really good Claire. Thanks for sharing. Highly rated. Lovely writing.
Monicque. x view book

written 1025 days ago
cherry

Hm, AJ, I didn't have a lot of time, but this looks fantastic. I'll read more later - highly rated for now. :) view book

written 1026 days ago
cherry

I've already looked through this a few times, Clive, and I've come back again, because you asked for my comments... I found the concept interesting, the writing great and the story attractive, however, I don't like the idea of having to look at things on youtube while I'm reading. Actually, I don't like looking at things on youtube ever to tell you the truth!! But thanks for sharing, and I've rated you highly.
Monicque. x view book

written 1026 days ago
cherry

Wow David, you're certainly a wordsmith! Your descriptive abilities are really incredible, the imagery that you provide the reader with is very well done and the dialog reads very naturally also. I took a read through chapters 1 and 7, and while I mostly enjoyed 1, I liked 7 better! The story flows well, it's interesting, and easy to read. I'm quite impressed with your writing ability... It's not my normal genre to read, but highly rated, and keep in touch as this is a book I would consider backing in future (shelf full atm).
Thanks for sharing.
Monicque. x view book

written 1026 days ago
cherry

Kev, I am worried for you!!! Sentence is so well written that you've really scared me and I only read through the first chapter... you hooked me in, but it's dark and the wind is howling.... I am rating this book really highly (like, I haven't pressed the button yet, but it may be one of the big ones). I will keep Sentence in mind for a shelving... Damn my shelf only having 5 spots!
Monicque. xx view book

written 1029 days ago
cherry

Hm, I like!! Good work. view book

written 1029 days ago
cherry

Wow! I enjoyed chapters 2 and 3... Well done! I'll read on later! xx view book

written 1029 days ago
cherry

Great blurb! Adding to my watchlist. I hope to get to it soon!! xx view book

written 1029 days ago
cherry

haha, love the end bit of chap 5. :) view book

written 1029 days ago
cherry

Hahaha!! What an awesome story Eunice!! I just read through the first chapter so far, and I can relate to certain bits of it... I used to live in a small town, and I've been accused of being possessed by Satan by seven church leaders (priests, pastors, ministers).... Seriously. Once I had this whole church believe that I was possessed by the spirit of Jezebel and they actually had meetings about this behind my back. It absolutely devestated me at the time, because so many people believed their shit. Anyway, that was all many years ago, when I was deep into writing articles about religion...

I hope you can do me some numerology - or anything!!!

About your writing now!! ... hmm... It's a great story. However, I think that the way it's written at the moment - although it's very readable, and you write well, it doesn't really have a clear plot at this stage, and also, you skip around times/places (from childhood to adult-hood, etc.) Even though it's non-fiction, I think the actual organization of the story could be improved. I'm only saying this because I really did like the story, and I will read on, cause I want to know more, but I'm open-minded to these things, and personally interested in this sort of thing. I think for people who arent, and who are skeptical, it may not hold their interest, because nothing really major happens in the first chapter. You don't solve a crime with your skills, or see anything more scary than a floating girl. The stuff about the past life regression is fantastic, but I think this could be expanded and on a chapter of it's own. I know it's huge task though to do these things.. But I still think the work needs another level of edit... Sorry!! But I hope these comments help... cause personally, I think the stuff you're writing about is very interesting!!!

Anyway, I'll let you know further thoughts soon...
And I'll rate you highly for now!! Thanks for sharing!!
Monicque. x view book

written 1031 days ago
cherry

Hi Robert,
I can see why your book is rising in the ranks!! Very well done, highly rated!!
Monicque,
The Multiple Choice. x view book

written 1031 days ago
cherry

Lovely email Dan! Highly rated, and I'll read on... Good work!
Monicque. x
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written 1031 days ago
cherry

Lovely writing! Great work Tony, well done. Best wishes for your success, highly rated. :) view book

written 1031 days ago
cherry

Hi Wendiann,
I just read through your first chapter, and the writing is really very good, I almost can't believe you haven't been writing very long, because this looks quite polished. However, sorry, there's a but.. I'm like your monique but I don't measure lumps!! I think that for at least the first half of this chapter, I was wondering what the goal for the book is. I'm more a lover of getting right in there with the action.. The first bit, in the doctors was good, but if you said back then that the lump was huge or scary of whatever, then that, I think, may make the rest great - can you have all those conversations while she's worried? She didn't seem to have any valid worry at that point, but maybe that's me. If the doctor didn't say, "You're gonna die," then I wouldn't worry.
But anyway, I'll read on for a bit, but for now, I'll rate you highly because the actual writing, like sentence structure, etc. is very well done, and I like the premise of the story - medical and net, good combination.
Thanks,
Monicque! xx view book

written 1031 days ago
cherry

Hi Tom,

Nice work! I've just read through the first chapter with a smile on my face.

My favorite bits were when the mum said, "i told a fib" but then went on to tell another! And also the wedding, and just the light-heartedness of it all.

A couple of small bits threw me - like when Kathleen entered and talked about annie? I didn't get the bit that you 'told' rather than 'show'.

I liked the humour and a lot of the lines and the characters. My only crit would be that by the end of the first chapter, I didn't really know where the story was heading - there didn't seem a clear goal, and a goal is the main thing that hooks me as a reader. However, it could just be that this style of story isn't my normal genre to read!!!

So I'm skipping through to chap 15!!
I love chapter 15!! Excellent. The only thing I didn't like was the apostrophes everywhere like sittin' and an' I think abbreviating words works only in dialog, and you have it through the narrative. The dreamy bits are done well!
And the same for 16. Here, I think in places it's a little wordy again, but it's generally very well done.

Best wishes, and thank you for sharing your work Tom! Highly rated.
Monicque. x view book

written 1034 days ago
cherry

Fantastic opening. Very well written!!
Funny, of course I remember exactly when I saw a building on TV with smoke coming out the window... A few minutes later, as I watched, the second plane hit the 2nd tower.... I was up all night then... (cause it started around 11pm where I am in Australia). What a horrifying thing to have happened... I remember last year on 9/11, I asked my children if they remembered it... And they didn't!!!!!!!!!!!!! We aren't in America, I suppose, and one of them wasn't born at the time... but it was strange how quickly kids forget - maybe there's too many tragedies...

In the intro, you start by saying, "This book is aimed at christians...." I understand that you've qualified this, and also added to the list with other religions, but I think you should leave that whole bit out. Aren't you aiming the book for everyone?
And I wouldn't call God G-d. Do you think people appreciate that? I'm not sure. I don't think the word 'god' is offensive... I'd just come out and call him that. Alternatively, find a different word like "The Universal Spirit" or "Jehovah" or something that is an actual word rather than g-d. The g-d really is throwing me all the way through...I don't like it!!! :)

I would be wary of using 'christian' words like 'fellowship'.

I like how you get straight to the point in chapter 3, and also that you undline the relevant bits in the bible passages.

World Trade Center.. I never thought it was about trading, I thought they were office blocks. I realise that offices of money markets and FX and all that were in there, but were there shops and trading of goods like clothing? And if there was this trading, then what makes those office blocks different from others and unique enough to be prophesied about in the bible??

Hm, interesting stuff!! I'm tired at the moment.... forgive me if I wrote something silly!!! I'll have to come back and take another look at this later... Good work, and highly rated.

Monicque.
The Multiple Choice.
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written 1035 days ago
cherry

Hi Ariena,
Wow, i love the introduction. Also the prolougue, however, the tense of the prologue is a little strange. But readable and kind of scary.
Here, primary school means little kids. Your story sounds like high-school kids. And that must have been a cool surprise for them!
This is good, nice easy reading. At first, I liked how you swapped between people and places, but there's a lot to keep up with, and I think some more para breaks would also be great.
The timeline flows well. I think you might be able to show a little more and tell less. Sorry if you've heard this before!! If you need any clarification, let me know.
I think with polishing, this is a great book for the thriller genre.
Thanks Ariena, best wishes for your success. Highly rated!
Monicque. x view book

written 1036 days ago
cherry

Hi Marilyn,

OVERALL: Great job, I read till the end. Engaging story, likeable characters in Latchmin and Rajnath, and a yukky character in rajnath's mother.

Further nit-picky comments and observations that I hope will help you to improve this work:
I love the title of your book. God and chocolate it sounds like! And I like the pitch. Trinidad 19C sounds interesting...so does a 12 year old getting married! Um, you also say that 'he wants a son but the only one was taken.' this doesn't make sense!!
A couple of minor typos throughout, example from first paragraph - ust rather than just, the sentence after that one doesn't make sense? She had become her thin and weak... (I think maybe 'her' is accidently left there.)
The story is great! I think at the start, we need to know why she doesn't want to be married - what will that mean to her lifestyle that is currently going well after her sickness? I think it's because of the education, but this is not spelt out. Then when she is married, does she still live with her mother? (like when you talk about etwar and her kneeding bread, it seems like she's already married at this point, and still with them?)
About half way down, you mention 'hindu'. maybe that could be mentioned earlier in the piece? And in that paragraph is where I learn that she has to move. :( Did she not know that before?? Because it's only then that she realizes why the brides cry...
Why do they bother with marriage if there is no sex? Strange custom. Is that true?
I like Rajnath. His mother doesn't seem that bad until we hear of the beatings...
When he spotted the wheals on her legs.... (I think you have wheals incorrectly spelt.)
After reading through the second chapter, I realize that your writing is easy to read, and your story engaging. However, the timeline in the story seems to be a little 'all over the place.' I know that a lot of stories aren't written with a linear time-line, but I think you need to do this to get all the pieces together in time order for this type of story. It seems like one moment she's 12, then she's 10, then you're talking about after she's married, then we talk about before she's married again. Hope that makes sense!!!
However, I really like the story in chapter 2. I like how rajnath and latchmin are friends. It's nice and sweet and they are becoming more real here.
in chap 3, you seem to brush over the birth quite quickly and I wondered why rajnath would have to go and tell his mother - why wasn't she there at the birth? Sorry if I didn't quite 'get' that bit. Did they move away from rajnaths yukky mother - she sounds awful in chap 3.
And I can relate to them not wanting more girls.. lol. The last chapter posted is nice, the flow works well time-wise here.
Throughout the story, mostly you have 'shown' well, rather than 'told.' However, some of the sections could maybe be 'shown' rather than 'told' for example, when you say 'quarrels ensued day and night,' maybe you can actually show us one quarrel? Like have some dialog? However, this is just an option, and I think the story works well as it is in this regard, but as you polish it that little more, you may want to think about going through and maybe 'showing' some more in places where there is telling. However, this may affect the time-line thing!!
It's nice to hear about a different culture. Thanks for sharing!! Rated highly, hope my comments help!! Let me know when you post further chapters.
Monicque. x
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written 1038 days ago
cherry

Well Pheonix, or Matt...
You are an above average writer. However, I still think there is a little development to go in this work. I think there is still a little too much telling as opposed to showing. For example, when you talk about the grubby old man sitting on the cardboard... You're 'telling' us that she saw him, and that she cringed and ran... but you did not 'show' us this, and you could have. You go on to 'show' us what happens with them, when they're in conversation, but I believe you could have started the 'showing' earlier.
I'm not sure whether you've put all the adverbs in on purpose, but personally, I think there's too many, but this could be typical of the genre. I haven't read a published romance for a while!!!
I want a castle and servants also.!! :) That's good, something we can relate to.
Well, you've certainly done the ending of the first chapter really well!! I didn't expect Santa!! (shows you how much attention I paid to the title of the book and the blurb!!)
Okay, now I have the same criticism for the second chapter! I think you could ditch a lot of the 'telling' and start right in with the action. I'd just start the chapter with the scream, then keep 'showing' us what happens next and next. All the other stuff - the backstory - should (and could easily) be woven in with the action. After she screams, then have her notice all the stuff in the room, and wonder where she is.
I was also wondering where santa went, and you didn't tell us till way down in the 2nd chapter. I think you should have her remember straight away, and wonder about him. Did he transport her? If you do this, then it will add to the intigue for the reader as the reader will understand that she is in a foreign place and she doesn't know how she got there.
And I love the vow at the end!! I'll read on. Highly rated.
Monicque.
The Multiple Choice. x
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