The Travellers
I decided to return and read more of this book. I’ve always enjoyed the notion of time travel and have enjoyed reading this book. The style and pace is nice.

Chapter 4, I’m not sure if some of your personal notes have appeared here or if they were intentional!

OMG - I uploaded the wrong edit of the chapter, doh!!! talk about giving the plot away, time to edit (LOL) Cant beleive I never read what I uploaded - Thanks for pointing it out to me and thanks for your comments. view book

I have read the first two chapters and am impressed with how engagingly it is written, maintaining the reader's interest throughout. The initial build-up is very skilfully done, creating some intriguing mysteries for later in the story. As with any good sci-fi, this does not make a meal of introducing its world, but allows the reader's knowledge of the setting to come through the interactions of the characters. I have placed this on my watchlist and look forward to seeing how it will develop.

Adrian (Pozzo)

Appreciated, thanks for the comments and thanks to all those who have commented recently. Its all good. With yours and others continued support I hope many more get the chance to read it, the editors desk is a bonus, all I hope is that people read it and want to read more. Thanks again one and all. view book

The man who fell to earth checked his senses
I thought the second sentence is inconsequential.
,
Maria x

Thank you for your comments really helpful - The number of people who have commented on that line, all I will say is the line is significant and has meaning. I hope once compete and people read the whole book they will say 'Ahhh thats why its there' view book

Hello,
Quite an interesting story you have. I feel sorry for poor Jaysan, having to come back and kill his own father and essentially, himself. Time travel stories always intrigue me. If only we could actually go back and change the past to make a better future...Anyways, great story line and good writing. As far as critiques go, I thought maybe a bit more expansion on how Jaysan felt about killing his own father would be good, but I've only read the first chapter so you might actually touch on that more later on. Best of luck to you. High stars.
-Julie Rainey
The Journey Home

Thanks for the comments, the story is full of twists and turns and the killing of your father in a time travel story is as old as the hills, in this case its a red herring - You will need to read on to find out whats happening ;) view book

After finishing chapter 2.
There are a number of proof-reader errors that should be corrected. Hopefully, you have someone to read through and point them out. Examples from Chapter 2:
“offered as smile as acknowledgement” s/b offered a smile as.
‘brighten then mood” s/b brighten the mood.
Returning to my earlier comment about punctuation and choice of tense, here are two examples: “Dr Monroe has moved off to the back of the pit and left via a sliding door.” In my opinion, the use of “has” is inconsistent with sentences in the rest of the paragraph, although “has” “left” is perfectly valid.
“Holographic television had been around for a while so no surprises until that is the deep authoritative voice bounced off the walls.” I had to reread this sentence to understand it. It would have been better as: “Holographic television had been around for a while so no surprises until, that is, the deep authoritative voice bounced off the walls.”
Of course, this is all my opinion, and I am far from an expert. I have found this type of comment helpful with my own novel, Hosting. (I just had to get a plug in.)

I last did an update on the 20th but that was just to change the cover and name, i have been in editors hell for some months now and I am glad to say some of what you mention I have already corrected. I guess I will do an updated upload later next month.
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If you solve the problem I've mentioned, that is, a workaround the infinite nature of time, let me know. I'd love to hear it.
Best Wishes: 5 stars.
Daniel
The Makers
PS. If you have a chance, please read and comment on my book. Thank you.

Thanks for your kind words, most appreciated, I also think I have "Solved" the problem you mentioned in the final chapter that is already writen but not uploaded, I dont want to reveal the reveal here until the book is finished but if your want the final chapter send me your email and I will let you see it. view book

HGC Review

Well it’s been several weeks since I last contributed so thought it about time I got off my backside and read another chilling tale. I decided to jump right in, did not bother reading the intro and found myself sitting in a chair next to Abner looking out to the patch in the distance. The story was not descriptive but I could visualise and old bald man dressed in denim dungarees smoking a pipe. It’s always a good sign when your imagination takes over.

I liked the line about 7 years of grieve after his wife had died, did he not re-marry because his first wife gave him grief or was he still grieving. Who knows but it made me wonder.

The action moved to a barn where what I would call a cartoon character of blackness clawed and sliced poor Abner. Now did I need to know his bladder lost it, no and would have like to know more of this creature. Black, arms, legs, red eyes and silver teeth was all I got. What about its touch, how it felt, its smell, its texture. The description was all literal.

Next we skip a beat and are introduced to someone else, you can tell I’m losing interest now as I cannot be bothered remembering his name. I have to say I don’t like the jumping while in a chapter; I like a chapter to have a beginning middle and end. The part with Abner should have been an introduction; it’s the part of a film before the title, before the credits.

I pressed on a read the rest of chapter 1 and realised the link before long. I think this needs expanding, it needs more flesh and I know this review is probably the most critical I have done. I don’t like to be unconstructive so I would expand the first chapter, maybe have a prologue before Abner, and be more descriptive. I would also do it from 1st person rather than 3rd, have a young relative hidden who witnesses the events but escapes unhurt, this would allow more tension.

Hope I’m not being too harsh and only wish to help enhance a potentially good story.
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HCG Review – Chapter 25

The problem with jumping in at a later chapter is you don’t have an understanding of what took place before, but hey, I asked for it so this how it goes.

I ended up back in my youth at a rave, long hair sweaty T-Shirts, anyway how was the writing. Good, very descriptive. Flesh smelling of bacon, Ugly Betty for Pyromaniacs, dark humour sparse amongst the words stuck with me.

I also found myself embroiled in bullet time / matrix with slowed down time slipped events. Now because I jumped in at 25 I was not sure if this was a way of describing events or of events being described. I opted for the first option as it was the MC’s POV unless he too had taken some of the spiked drugs.

I would have liked to have a more graphic a description of what the ring master was upto and what he was getting from the deal, he was drawing life force from the crowd and they were dying but I did not feel anything for the events. It would have also been good to know more about the feelings of the guy who set fire to the bar staff also

Overall it was interesting and because I jumped in at a later chapter I would go back and start at the beginning to get a bit of the back story but I am in no rush to do so.
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Now this is what I was looking for. Well eventually. Let me begin, I was reading away and after a few pages started to get bored with the teen scenario that has been the stable of many a horror. I thought i was watching - i know what you did last summer. Then it happened, I was about to stop reading when the crash happened. Sudden with vigour and my eyes opened wide. I started to read faster, I started to wonder what was going to happen next. The dead bodies, we had one dead with his arm hanging off and another crippled far from the car. Then the mountain man pops up and starts killing the rest. The question remains did he kill and cripple while they were knocked out, who knows but the question is valid and interesting. I liked the start, one thing I would have done is have the cripple eaten by the dogs, is that just me being over blood thirsty? either way a good start and as with all my reviews if it gets me onto the second chapter then it gets the thumbs up from me. view book

HCG Review

I try not to look with a negative eye when something I now read does not agree with my perceptions. I would have liked the first piece of work on the HCG to be a full blown blood fest, something that would grab my mind and twist it, what I got was creatures that to me seemed a little too nice. I made it through chapter 1 to half way through chapter 2 before I could read no more. So let me try and take some positives out of this.. Its a challenging setting one that deserves credit, the descriptions were good but found myself reaching for the wiki to explain some aspects. Do I need a discription of a Velocaraptor? maybe not but if the target audience is young teens maybe. Not my taste but good enough to please someone. Commended for putting this into a critical domain so I applude you. view book

Paul, I hope you can update this book soon and add more chapters.

Still working on it, real life got in the way. Will update soon. Thanks for your continued support. view book

So I gave it a read, for some reason it only shows chapter 1 so could not read further. Its not my kind of thing, not enough pictures ;) but well written and the accent came through which is good. I guess I would have read a bit further if it would have let me so will come back to it in a few days and read some more. Highly stared on accent and style alone.

Paul AG
The Travellers view book

I am no critic and not qualified to comment on anothers work so I find it hard to do so but here goes. Loved the start, reminded me of Florida in the late 70s and then chapter 1 of Fargo so all in all a good start. I will continue to read, I love the use of some of the words. There was one sentence that I could not get my mouth (NASCAR) round for some reason and the descriptive text I would say needs to be of the place. (tray of glasses) seemed odd. view book

You have a strong plot and your writing style builds up nicely. It has some nice surprises. Jaysan is a good character and I'm interested to find out why he, at his age, was chosen to go back in time.

Too many grammatical errors and typos are holding this novel back. Don't let them stop you from getting published.

Typo: “The heat from the sun had made the path TOO hot.”

Use possessive punctuation, ie: “Jaysan’s ears,” “Jaysan’s father.,” “Daddies’ arm.”

Typo: “…always had people SITTING outside on a hot summer’s day.”

You are = you’re: “you’re 76 years old…”

If Jaysan is from the future why would he not recognize a motorcycle?

Don’t capitalize the name of colors, like black.

Typo: “not just physical training but MENTAL as well.”

Typo: “knew each other from way back and WERE good friends.”

Typo: “in a bear hug bigger THAN his stature.”

I enjoyed reading it and I will back it. Be sure to edit carefully.

Brian Bandell
Mute

Thanks for the feedback, My grammar is poor, still swamped in the story and plot at the moment but will address. Jaysan is from the future and to explain his lack of knowledge may give a plot twist away ;) The biggest plot twist comes in the end. Would love to tell someone whats going on and see the OMG reaction to the story but to do so would give the game away. Once again thanks for the feedback and corrections. Appreciated. view book

Dear Paul,

You really need to edit your pitches. I know this is a story about time travel, but you keep switching from present to past tense, and most people will just assume those are errors. Nobody will bother to look at a project in which the author cares so little about such an important area as the pitch.

Gordon Long

Your right, lazy pitch, Have re-written it but still not sure it does justice to the whole story. view book

True to form I read a bit then stopped, Im in no position to critque a book so I wont and only say the bit I read was good. I had to keep flipping back a bit to review what I had read and in doing so gained new insigt to the characters. Interesting and will attempt to finish it before I die ;) view book