I found the early chapters had too much backstory - this needs to be paid out slowly as it impacts on the story
Thank you, Frances, for that and for taking the trouble to comment. When the dust has settled from blood andd bullets and packing cases and paint pots (we have just moved home) I will return the read and apply my mind again to 'The Mine.'. You are by far from the first to have commented on the backstory; and I am going to have to give that serious thought. My difficulty is that I am trying to acheive a story set against an historical, political background. Yes, spread it out may well be the answer.AJB view book
My belated return HFWG review. And not a very constructive one, for in truth I am not a very constructive reviewer. Like Julius Caesar's thumb, up or down, books have but two classifications: 'Yes' or 'No'. Here, I am going to break my own rule and say, 'Maybe.' Were someone to ask me what sets the yeses apart from the no's, I could only say, "The way that the words spill out over the page." Perhaps I should abandon fiction writing and stick to poetry!This could be a humdinger were there a little more poetry, colour, texture in the words, which, in truth, I found just a little two-dimensional. And, goodness me, there is enough colour in your characters and your settings to set the pages alight.Yet historical fiction seems often to be written thus. I open the first chapters of Ken Follett's 'World Without End' in the hope of latching onto something to help me make my point - and I find that, in both style and content, his writing is very similar to your own. (But then I think I had the same reservations when first reading that book - and, heaven shrive me from egg on my face, I think I would have said the same were I to review that great, great novel.) But perhaps when your book is 91 chapters long, you don't have the time, the space or the energy to embellish too much - although, to that, I would counter that I wish that his book had been much shorter in content and longer in description. A lot of my discomfort may stem from the fact that, undoubtedly, US written English and English written English do differ; and Lily 'exiting' the dark chamber gave me visions of her coming out of the subway or a public lavatory. Moreover, it mattered not to me that the bookseller's premises was either a chamber or dark: she could simply have come out from the bookseller's shop (or even rushed out because she was late.) Late for what, I would have asked myself; and been engaged. 'A sigh escaped her lips when she spied...' This para turned me off, too. Too many adjectives; and the sigh sounded as if it were breaking out of Alcatraz. And yet the man has just said he would like more texture. What is he banging on about? Well, to me, the sigh escaping added nothing: "The sun was already dropping behind the stone building across the street. She must hurry." For me, the sun only peaks or peeks in nursery rhymes; and, anyway, it doesn't 'peak' in descent. Again, I could be nervously fingering my watch and wondering what it is that she is late for.To me, action and description in one sentence only prolongues it and detracts from the impact of both. How about "Lily's bare feet barely skimmed the cobbles." Now you are free to let rip on the scene all around her; and with Lily engaged in running, I am ready for it - nay, longing for it.But one more comment: The dialogue I found a little stilted - and especially your take on the conversation of upper crust English gentry. They, too, blow bubbles in the bath; and I think you could take this up another level if every character had a trait of speech so that we could almost instinctively know who was speaking without ever having to be told - and Lily especially.I say that an edit after a couple of gin and toinics could take this a long way - but I also note that it is far, far, above mine in the chart - so who am I to say?AJB view book
Rosemary,This is a HFWG Review - and one has to be pretty circumspect when reviewing work that towers a good 300 places above one's own effort. Somebody wrote that they found the first chapter (prologue, presumably) the most compelling chapter - and I agree. I would go further and say that the opening paragraph of the prologue was absolutely la creme de la creme. It really "pulled me in" (Ugh!) - and that never happens unless I find myself intrigued and enchanted by the quality of the writing, and start getting despondent about my own best efforts.Others commented unfavourably on your cavalier flipping between the tenses. I wholly disagree; and I found it bold and effective - "in yer face" writing (Ugh again.) But Somerset Maughan did say that there were only three rules to writing but that the problem was that nobody could remember what they were.) It was as if travelling a time warp - permitted briefly into the studio to experience the happenings first hand - then banished, reminded that I was a mere reader catching up on an account of things that took place two centuries past.Comments on showing rather that telling? Normally I am a renegade, fiercly quoting the Maughan dicta and maintaining it a principle the merits of which begin and end in 'O' Level composition classes. And yet... I think that is was because you spoiled us so with the texture of your prologue that I did begin to find chapters 1 (read) and 2 (skimmed) reverting a little into a history lesson, wished you had reverted to the present tense more often and invited me in, to experience more of the happenings for myself.Time to cook lunch (my Sunday pennance!) Then I will read on.AJB ("The Mine") view book
No, Dedalus. Perfectly drawn. And not just Janet: Vix, Pandita, Raine, Carter and Etcetera, too - most of all Etcetera. And drawn with a brush that makes both them and your scenarios very easy on the eye and a joy to walk through. I haven't come across light, spontaneous wit like this in many a novel, nor come to know the characters so well. Let's no be too stuffy about this.Go! Get it out there - and well done.AJB view book
HFRG review.Kevin, hi. Enjoyed all that I have read to date. Can't fault the style: The simplistic and restrictive ways of early Puritan life in a fledgling Colony came over very well - although I did wonder if allowing yourself a little lattitude - in the language particularly - would have released you and allowed you to inject more passion into your narrative? (Okay, the Puritans don't do passion - but the readers do tend to rate it.)I am one who moots for a hook and a wow at the end of each chapter; and I thought that Ch1 could have ended on a bit more of a dramatic note (although Ch 2 had a good 'watch this space' ending to it.)That said, your premise is a great platform on which to launch your account; and the writing is more than good enough to allow you to give more of a focus on these people in this place at that time, even be it at the expense of carrying the story along. And if this and my first para seem to be a contradiction, I suppose I am saying is that a few artifices in the story telling would allow you to concentrate less on the story and more on texture - which is where, for me, the charm (and, I suspect, your forte) lies.Good to read and fun (I never thought I would hear myself say that!) to review.AJB view book
And I'm back! Quite glad it's not Halloween - and quite glad that, at 74, I can still distinguish between fact and fiction (or I think so?). In two words: chillingly funny: You 'n me could go a long way to sorting today's bleeders out, Chick: Put everything back on course like.My only suggestion: The narrative voice of a ringmaster, pulling your chapters together in a rather dead-pan, pc., David Frost (oh to turn the clock back!) overview would help pull everything together, give continuity - and empathise the stupidity of everything that's evolved since the (b)eating of naughty children was outlawed.Did you ever read 'The Henry Root Letters'? I guess you would draw inspiration from them.AJB view book
Abby/ I did pick this up before; and I can't think why I failed to back it then - perhaps shelf fulll Your subject and your approach to it are both highly original; but it's more than that: You also happen to write well.AJB view book
D/In the words of Chas, in Cat Ballou, 'You are an absolute sweet little sugar plum - and, one day, somebody is going to come along and eat you up...' (A slightly o.t.t .way of saying thanks - but thanks.)Looking forward to Leo & Rover.AJB view book
Mick/Thanks for that. The typos all done and dusted; and I will give careful consideration to your other comments. Showing, not telling, is a particular bete noir of mine: First, I think that the principle is greatly overstated; secondly, a soliloquy apart, it is really rather difficult for one character in one chamber to have much of a conversation with anyone; and thirdly, you can 'tell' in a single paragraph what has to take several pages to show - and the story already runs to 100,000 words as it is. 'Them' referrs to the mining community at large, which I had hoped would be obvious; and many Christians, black and white, presumably because they were Christians, fought against Apartheid - so, on those points, I stick to my guns: But grateful, none-the-less for your input.AJB view book
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Jacqueline/I have been fortunate recently to have read some mss on this site that smack of enormous promise – and yours stand high among them. Your style is lyrical. Sometimes the poet in me makes me suspicious of a style such as yours, wondering if I am not being served up with a dose of something that is too clever by half – say like in ‘the King’s Magic Suit’.But I couldn’t fault it – save only that I would have had it compressed just a little, moving the story on a little faster. But then I am an impatient man who does nothing slowly. Even still there were not so many lines in these three chapters that I skimmed.The painstaking research was evident – and, unlike me who makes it up and writes from the hip then checks the facts afterwards, I can well believe that you had it all at your fingertips before you sat down to pen the first word.The plot intrigues (never let them persuade you to take out the prologue because it creates that intrigue); the style intrigues and the detail intrigues – but perhaps, overall, a little less is more? However the potential, in anticipation, earns an above average rating and a place on the shelf.AJB view book
Hi Ruko,I found this a fascinating down to earth account – and I loved the dry humour.AJB - 'The Mine'. view book
Is this really YA? (Damn - somebody has already expressed a similar sentiment.) With three score years and ten under the belt, I was intrigued. Some really fluid writing and beautifully textured descriptions.AJB view book
Bia (or Viola?) Backed this some time ago: meant to get in touch - but life got in the way. This is seriously grown up writing - and that's just the bottom line. It is also intriguing, colourful, scholarly, well contrived in both plot and execution (I mean in the way in which you write it - although I expect you could have expressed that without resorting to exposition!) I bow in obeisance and try not to drool too much in admiration . All hail - may it climb higher and higher.AJB view book
God bless you, Lady! I wish I was enjoying writing it just now - but we all have bad days. Helped by your kind comments, I shall pick myself up, dust myself down, tear up my last chapter - and start over!thanks,AJB view book
Thanks, chum: Some people are lucky (or maybe they're unlucky?) and don't have to question that sort of stuff.. But me, told in a rehab clinic that I didn't love my wife, that was something I really had to sit down and work out for myself. What IS love? I don't know if the answer is right - but it sure does answer lots of questions! view book