I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

"...to safety" adds tension to the 1st paragraph

import-export ups the tension

the marshal ups it again

good character building through the conversation in the SUV

The details of the WPP are a great touch, high interest

You leave the ch with tons of tension, an expected attack

Nice hook, really solid writing view book

I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

You establish good tension by showing the stress between her and Ryan. You show us her depression: hard to get out of bed, job, etc. And have us sympathizing with the betrayal.

The reoccurring dream--nice touch

A lot of good element to play with her. You've presented a story with terrific psychological tension. I think the dream was the most shocking/interesting/painful aspect of the drama
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I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

Interesting 1st line.

Picturesque 2nd paragraph

Good tension with the surveillance


The tension sky-rockets with the attack

Then climbs again when Toni decides to go after the killer

Very strong hook of a chapter

However, it's a huge mistake switching to Miriam's POV--especially if she dies and isn't a major character

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I'm in ch 4. Here are my notes:

doesn't drove=drive

first laying=lay

great image of grandpa

certain make=to make

probable=probably right

By the time we leave the dinner, the reader really like grandpa, the town, the people it--and doesn't care much for Sean.

There's tension with the town's survival at stake--a good plot point

You do such a good job of setting these people up. It happens effortlessly. With an illusion of objectivity.

You know Sean is going to change; you he's going to love the town and realize he's been a wanker

I see the love story too. But the other elements of plot are more interesting
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The fight in ch 1 is expertly told. The tension escalating until Bulvyf fights Maul one-on-one. A lesser writer would have done the battle in a paragraph, but you exploit every point of tension and make the reader cringe blow after blow until climax of the scene: "I am no human."

By the end of ch 1, the reader is thoroughly invested in this story and it's characters.

My students would eat this up.

I do want to raise two issues in your messages. view book

I'm in 20, which is your 18. Here are my notes:

The first paragraph gives me the sense that we're about to hit the climax--retribution. Short, easy sentences are ideal for your YA audience

murder--yikes! tension is up now

You captured my sympathy for the murderer-to-be. Normal kid

bags of blood! I'm assuming we have a vampire here

I have some thoughts about the weapons I'll leave in your messages

Good tension as she goes in for the kill

the attack could happen slower, keep the tension, build so when we meet Craus we're on the edge of our seats view book

I found god in your book. I can finally rest now that I know Roy made man. I'm in ch 11, paragraph 2. Here are the rest of my notes:

In paragraph 6--you know, I can't stop stacking the allusions to Christ next to Roy as I read. Now we got some Hebrew allusions: I am. Not sure that has the same impact in English.

"Understand Roy better"-- Just watch The Muppets Christmas Carol--"...know me better, man"

I'm finding a parable in ch 11. A retelling of the Christ story.

Toward the end of the ch we have Roy and ROY--intentional?

Reminds me of Pilgrim's Progress. The contemporary version. Although, I think among American Evangelicals the space motif would be a little offensive--as it connotes much of what they would term New Age. I say that only to offer something to think about concerning marketing. You'd need to establish your theology on level with theirs.

It was interesting to discover Christian theology in a new package. Makes you think differently about what you've always known,

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I'm in ch 10. Here are my notes:

I have no idea where I landed, but I'm interested. Want to read a whole book about this island

For now, I'll settle for a name and a map

1795--a civil war I never learned about. But then again I still don't know where we are

Every bit of this is fascinating

It just occurred to me now that this history could be fiction--you had me completely, still do

some tension in this line "it would be Hell for them"

It's interesting to have my reaction to their reaction to the tribe. I feel myself taking sides

This tribe is such a great hook. What a simple, profound idea this story is. I hung on every word of history. I was ready to look up the island on a map. I wanted to read a book about it, and was happy to remember that I was. A story I wish I would have thought of. view book

I'm in ch 6. Here are my notes:

She's depressed--I assume Janet. I'm reading for why

really depressed

Loss.

The way the narrative is so deep inside her head. We can barely see out, out past her grief

Violet--looking for an anchor, context for her

"same age as Violet"--I'm assuming Violet's dead

"Violet, was.." what a loss

The third person here works great

Then the anger--the grief is so real and raw

I have the context now--the accident

Five--wow

This hits so hard for any parent

The most powerful paragraphs were when we had the sense her Mum was there--but we could barely see out through all the grief, barely see the world around her


Much of my notes are my thoughts as I piece together your story. It hits so hard, so raw view book

I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

Nothing like a sword fight to kick things off. I'm interested.

Tension escalates--lost sword, imminent defeat.

Then the turn of events and crowning of a new king. Great start to a book.

The mountain is a good hook, all eight diamonds even stronger

By this point, the reader is still uncertain whether Dorin's victory is to be celebrated or mourned. The family earlier tugged at our hearts and we felt for the dead.

The next paragraph answers the questions: dark age...

Wow, what an opener. You have a knack for description. Making the fight come to life.

I want to talk about that a little in your messages.





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The stories in ch 1 stopped me. I don't know what you've invented from what you've recorded from what you've heard--but those stories, so concise--so poignant. They were like little arrows striking the mark.

I sample sections from part three as well. You're a great story teller. They move so effortlessly. view book

I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

A rolling stone? As in the Rolling Stones? The phrase isn't tossed around where I'm from

I love this paragraph: caliber of toys.

This has a good voice

section break

Things smelled...with an s

I got swept up and passed few section breaks. You've caught me with the nostalgia. Then the dreaming of the house, a little live stock, land. You had me good.

I passed a couple section breaks and we're about to negotiate. See, I want it too.

I appreciate the details. Don't bog us down but enough to add texture. The auctions, the property, etc. The buying advice. The problem with pigs

I think you have a great voice. It makes it easy for me to enjoy your story. The little anecdotes are priceless

I do have a couple points to make in your messages.



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I'm in ch 2. Here are my notes:

I read for awhile then went and got my son. He's 5.

After... After.. sentence construction in paragraph 6. Nothing wrong with it, but people (writers) will complain.

It was unusual for me to be identifying with fierce dinosaurs/monsters. That in itself was clever, the POV

The velociraptors are a great touch. Adds the tension. I've never thought of a Trex as vulnerable until I read this--considered the mother's POV

This is such a great story for my son. He wants more. It's a trip through paleontology in a story. I can't believe no ones done this yet. If they have, I haven't seen it. I hope you're the first.

I have a couple notes to give in your messages. view book

I went for #3. Started laughing at the first sentence. Read it twice.

Second paragraph had me laughing out loud

I started think you should submit to The Onion. You've thought of that, haven't you?

Like him to death--another good line

Went for another ch 4

These are really funny. I wish you success with this
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ch1

That's a powerful dream. To think it's reoccurring makes it more so

ch 2

Seho is a compelling place

The lesson on summoning a good hook

The lessons here are profound

The dialogue is captivating. Although the details of their problems are exotic, the themes are well known to us here on Earth

It was also interesting to have the biology lesson on evolution. I often consider alternative histories--what evolution could have been

You immerse us so completely in this culture I'm already at home: share their fears, hopes

A lot of day dreaming and careful crafting has gone into this narrative. It's colorful, vibrant and well textured
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I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

The backgrounds of the kids were great. Stories in themselves.


This is a nice 1st paragraph. Cut just right for your audience

I'm 4 paragraphs in and keep thinking. Yes, my students would read this. the right amount of details, easy language, interesting subject

"You'll catch your death" the irony is great .."funeral"

The tension built around Richardson is great

Contrast that with "nervous flyer", well set up

This is exciting. You really deliver on this crash. The dialogue keeps the pace

There's a camaraderie between Frank and Ken that make this scene

began to dance...

I got a couple thoughts to put in your messages
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Call it my confession and you'll get attention. Title's good

It's rare to find a disciplined meter anymore

Lucky partner--hope he's still there

Thoughts of You

Nice imagery: corner of his eye

Uncertainty

how to play my heart: what a great line

that dick!

Do all three of these share the same lover?

I kind of hope so. Be like scrap book of the relationship

For you Are

eyes tell a thousand stories

This is one hot guy

Letting Go

the imagery here is all too familiar--that type of pain

My love

dwell on the surface of my imagination--wish I would have wrote that


These poems have caught you at moments of ecstasy and crisis. I tired point out the lines that hit hardest for me. Thanks for sharing. view book

Given that a lot of bad things happen, I went to an unlucky #, 13 (your 12). Here are my notes:

purple-eyed gator--curious

The language of the first paragraph is competent with a flippant, or humorous, tone

I think flippant was the wrong word. By paragraph 4, I'd say it's more sarcastic

"lost his cool"--that's not sarcasm. It's a voice anyway, a young, confident, with a sense of humor, voice.

Enough of that line of thought

I like Sneed. He comes off well.

The plot gets interesting: bacteria, organs, etc

Maybe the paragraph with the Lagoon Watcher not "outraged" is a tad overwritten. A number of sentences (counting the dialogue to follow) communicating the same thing. I'd back off on one.

Same with the Watcher's defense.

Sneed just gets to it. Where'd you get that name. I'm jealous.

This chapter is solid. I think Sneed kind of steels the show in this scene. The plot is interesting, with a lot of room to keep the reader guessing.



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I read ch 1. Here are my notes:

We start with action. It's clear Derek and Jacob know one another, I assume from another story.

Faceless rider, that's bad news.

I take it Guidance and Sally are from another tale

A lot of metaphors here in names

Ch 1 is packed with action and mysterious people and creatures--the makings for a good story

I have a couple suggestion about pacing and structure I'll put in your messages. view book

I'm in ch 1. Here are my notes:

I know these guys. I grew up wit them. Love the first 2 paragraphs

Such images: Neadertal face, feathers. You've my confidence.

You let us into the past with dialogue, past parties, relationships (or lack thereof)

Your images of the van are impeccable

The dialogue is wonderful. It's hard for me to take notes. I want to keep reading

I smiled and laughed all the way through this. So real. So much texture. This is a really, really good story.

I want a PDF. view book