verse_artiste recent comments

written 22 days ago
cherry

Glad you decided to post this. You know what I think already, let's see how Authonomy likes it. view book

written 49 days ago
cherry

(A return read on behalf of "The Notorious Expat Wives" )

I have read the first few chapters, and although this is not a genre I would usually choose, I can see that you have something original here. You capture the narrative voice well and create a clear image of your characters. You write well, maintaining the voice and style of your story. I would have liked it to be clearer at the start exactly what Mandi's work entailed at the school, as it seems a little vague. You reference grammar and tutoring, but give no indication that your character has the necessary skills and qualifications to carry out such duties.

You have set up an intriguing situation and a cast of credible characters. I shall try to read more of this when time permits and hopefully comment further.

Lilian. x view book

written 92 days ago
cherry

Chapter 1:
How well you capture the sense of loss and ‘unrealness’ that is left after the loss of a loved one. The writing is almost faultless, but because I know you want genuine critique I shall nitpick as I go along.
Nitpick: ‘hospice’ and ‘vicar’ don’t need capital letters as they are common, not proper nouns in this context.
Chapter 2:
A lovely chapter about the courtship and wedding preparations. You do an excellent job of ‘showing’ not ‘telling’ when all this happened.
No comma required after ‘black-and-white television’ – nor after ‘bad’, nor after ‘happening’. In fact, this paragraph has several misplaced commas.
I’d watch the secretaries … and think they looked gorgeous – (rather than thought, which seems to ‘jar’ unless you repeat the subject pronoun and say ‘I thought’)

I shall read on and feedback more in a few days.

Lilian xx view book

written 116 days ago
cherry

You paint a vivid picture of the squalor of Saxon life in your early chapters. Your characters are well-drawn and you are setting up the story well. As someone who earns a living as an editor, I couldn't help but notice there are a few misplaced apostrophes, and at least one occasion where you swap tenses for no apparent reason. Nonetheless, this has the makings of a good read and I shall carry on with it. I will probably comment more fully later. 4 stars so far. :)
Lilian x view book

written 321 days ago
cherry

I've started to read this tonight and I think you have a good style and it starts well. I will read on and comment fully later. By the way is the title meant to be Adultery - or is the misspelling intentional? ;)

Lilian x view book

written 367 days ago
cherry

Just read Chapter One and this has already blown me away. I wil
l certainly read the rest of this amazing piece. It is rare to find anything this perfect and I love every word of it. Thank you for posting it here.

Lilian xx view book

written 371 days ago
cherry

This is a very good start and is a lot better written than many of the openings on here. You asked for an editor's POV - there are a few typos and anomalies which need fixing in the first couple of chapters. I don't have time to list them here, but if you'd like to email me with a copy of the Prologue and Chapter 1, I'll show you what I mean as a 'freebie'.

(I don't do this for everyone, but I see some potential in this story and would like to help you kick start it.)

Lilian xx verseartiste@gmail.com view book

written 470 days ago
cherry

This is well-written with good characterisation and an intriguing plot. The descriptions are really good and I think you have a good thing going here.

No particular nitpicks at the moment, but I shall read on and maybe comment further.
In the meantime, I'll give it 5 stars and wish you good luck with it.

Lilian. view book

written 472 days ago
cherry

I first looked at this a long time ago - you've obviously been busy updating recently.
It's well-written and the pitch is intriguing. Your characterisation is good and the style is slick.
I'll read on.
High stars and a shelf spot.

Lilian. view book

written 494 days ago
cherry

This is powerful stuff and very well-written. I like the short chapters and the way you show the dreadful home life poor Kate has endured. The structure works well for your story and I find that I want to read on although this is a million miles away from my usual choice of reading matter. That means you must be doing it right if you can reel me into the story.

I'll continue to read this when I have time (I'm up to Chapter 9) and will add further comments if anything strikes me. High stars for this and a probable backing when you get close to the desk.

Lilian view book

written 528 days ago
cherry


Hi there,
I read the first few chapters. First let me say that this is not really my cup of tea. I think your characterization is good and so on, but I have taught too many kids in such situations to want to read about it. I think you will find an audience for it and I wish you every success with it. The storyline from your pitch sounds solid enough and your writing is fairly sound although there is some inconsistency in the 'voice' of Max. Sometimes she sounds more mature than others.

A few nitpicks from the first chapter :
ok should be capitalised - OK
Dad had taken Nate and I - should be Nate and me.
"threw my head against the window" - sounds like it wasn't attached to a body, pushed might be better.
I exhaled a sigh of relief - doesn't sound right. You breathe a sigh, or let out a sigh. You don't exhale it. view book

written 564 days ago
cherry

It's an interesting start, and it's quite well-written, but there's not quite enough to make a meaningful comment about yet. I'll pop back when you upload more.

Lilian. view book

written 602 days ago
cherry

Ah, this start is much better now. I really want to read on and see where all this is leading to and I feel that I know a bit more about the kids. You've introduced the action and the conflict at a point where the reader has to caryy on reading. There are a few typos etc. which will be an easy fix now you're getting the structure of the story in order. I'll be happy to keep this on my watchlist and keep checking back for progress from time to time. Well done.
Lilian xx view book

written 608 days ago
cherry

Hi Melissa,
I've read your first chapter so far. The premise for this book is a good one, but this opening is not doing it justice as it is almost entirely backstory. I realise we probably need to know all this, but I don't feel the beginning of the book is the right place for it as it feels like an 'infodump'. You have a tendency to over-explain some things at times. I would be inclined to start your story at a later point and "drip feed" the background about the children's developing friendship through dialogue or flashbacks to make it more palatable to the reader. As it is, you risk losing some readers who won't be willing to read so much background before the real story starts.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative. I really think you have a great idea here and I would like to see it do well. I am a freelance editor and often look at the things I read from an editorial point of view, as I have here. I shall read on and comment further at a later date if you wish.
Good luck,
Lilian
"Unspoken" view book

written 622 days ago
cherry

I read Chapter 10. This was interesting and as I have worked for most of my adult life with disaffected teenagers, I felt i knew these kids. Nicely written and evocative. I may come back for more if I have time.

Lilian. view book

written 624 days ago
cherry

This is an interesting story and is sure to appeal to a wide range of people as the subject matter is always of interest. In parts it needs a little more tension or conflict to keep the pace up. Well written on the whole, with good characterisation. Good luck with it.

Lilian x view book

written 627 days ago
cherry

A fascinating story with great premise. There is very little I can add to the cmments you've already received, except to say that I wish you every success with it. I'll read on and comment again if anything occurs to me. I shall find time to shelve this in the very near future. If I forget - please give me a nudge.

Lilian view book

written 645 days ago
cherry

A great story from a master storyteller! Adventure, science, time-travel, teleportation and romance! Gotta love it. view book

written 648 days ago
cherry

Hi David,
I've taken a look at the first few chapters and I think you write well, perhaps a little too academically for popular readership. You have clearly studied your subject matter and your hypothesis is interesting, if not entirely convincing for me. If you wish to appeal to a larger audience, you may need to consider simplifying some of your arguments a little. It is clear that a lot of hard work has gone into researching this work, and I congratulate you on it.

Lilian. view book

written 685 days ago
cherry

Oh yes! This is most enjoyable - a fun read that is well put together. It's been good to chill out for a while with this today and I look forward to returning to read more of it. Bravo!

Lilian. view book

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