At last - a story that needed to be told. Well done, Lorraine and I hope you do well with this in terms of reaching a wider audience.

Lilian. x view book

Liz,
I can't believe it's taken me so long to read some of this. Fantastic job and no less than I'd expect of you!
Now, are you seeking backings or just comments? You can have whichever you'd prefer as it's certainly worth a backing and lots of stars.

xxx view book

Just read Chapter One and this has already blown me away. I wil
l certainly read the rest of this amazing piece. It is rare to find anything this perfect and I love every word of it. Thank you for posting it here.

Lilian xx view book

This is a very good start and is a lot better written than many of the openings on here. You asked for an editor's POV - there are a few typos and anomalies which need fixing in the first couple of chapters. I don't have time to list them here, but if you'd like to email me with a copy of the Prologue and Chapter 1, I'll show you what I mean as a 'freebie'.

(I don't do this for everyone, but I see some potential in this story and would like to help you kick start it.)

Lilian xx verseartiste@gmail.com view book

This is well-written with good characterisation and an intriguing plot. The descriptions are really good and I think you have a good thing going here.

No particular nitpicks at the moment, but I shall read on and maybe comment further.
In the meantime, I'll give it 5 stars and wish you good luck with it.

Lilian. view book

I first looked at this a long time ago - you've obviously been busy updating recently.
It's well-written and the pitch is intriguing. Your characterisation is good and the style is slick.
I'll read on.
High stars and a shelf spot.

Lilian. view book

This is powerful stuff and very well-written. I like the short chapters and the way you show the dreadful home life poor Kate has endured. The structure works well for your story and I find that I want to read on although this is a million miles away from my usual choice of reading matter. That means you must be doing it right if you can reel me into the story.

I'll continue to read this when I have time (I'm up to Chapter 9) and will add further comments if anything strikes me. High stars for this and a probable backing when you get close to the desk.

Lilian view book

Hi there,
I read the first few chapters. First let me say that this is not really my cup of tea. I think your characterization is good and so on, but I have taught too many kids in such situations to want to read about it. I think you will find an audience for it and I wish you every success with it. The storyline from your pitch sounds solid enough and your writing is fairly sound although there is some inconsistency in the 'voice' of Max. Sometimes she sounds more mature than others.

A few nitpicks from the first chapter :
ok should be capitalised - OK
Dad had taken Nate and I - should be Nate and me.
"threw my head against the window" - sounds like it wasn't attached to a body, pushed might be better.
I exhaled a sigh of relief - doesn't sound right. You breathe a sigh, or let out a sigh. You don't exhale it. view book

It's an interesting start, and it's quite well-written, but there's not quite enough to make a meaningful comment about yet. I'll pop back when you upload more.

Lilian. view book

Chapter 12 - The hard-edged 'grit' of this chapter is what I've come to expect of this book. The atmosphere you create seems authentic and the characters spring off the page and take shape as I'm reading. Spotted two typos Hell should be He'll, and cri should be crime I think? The scene captures the fear and loathing felt by the inmates and the prejudice of the officials. We get a real feeling of the damage being done to these offenders rather than rehabilitating them. The dialogue is strong and makes the scene almost filmic in that it is all brought to life. I can't suggest any way in which it could be improved.
Lilian xx view book

This is a charming and intriguing story. Your characters are warm and realistic and you give lots of insight into the mind of your MC. I look forward to reading on and maybe commenting further.
Lilian. view book

I've been meaning to read this for a while. You've created realistic characters and your premise is good. I've only read the first chapter so far, but you write well and I look forward to reading on when time permits. I'll find you some shelf space in a few days when I rotate. Good luck.

Lilian
"Unspoken" view book

Well, this is a delightful tale with all kinds of fascinating elements. I've thoroughly enjoyed the first few chapters and look forward to reading on. High stars and some shelf time in the near future as soon as I reshuffle.

Lilian view book

Lisa, what can I say?
This is written in such a way as to make it compelling. The story is at once down to earth and extremely moving, dealing as it does with a real life problem without over-dramatising it. Thank you for sharing your story and experiences and I wish you full and complete recovery. I shall carry on reading this and would recommend it to anyone else who may be experiencing something similar.
Lilian xx view book

Ah, this start is much better now. I really want to read on and see where all this is leading to and I feel that I know a bit more about the kids. You've introduced the action and the conflict at a point where the reader has to caryy on reading. There are a few typos etc. which will be an easy fix now you're getting the structure of the story in order. I'll be happy to keep this on my watchlist and keep checking back for progress from time to time. Well done.
Lilian xx view book

Hi Melissa,
I've read your first chapter so far. The premise for this book is a good one, but this opening is not doing it justice as it is almost entirely backstory. I realise we probably need to know all this, but I don't feel the beginning of the book is the right place for it as it feels like an 'infodump'. You have a tendency to over-explain some things at times. I would be inclined to start your story at a later point and "drip feed" the background about the children's developing friendship through dialogue or flashbacks to make it more palatable to the reader. As it is, you risk losing some readers who won't be willing to read so much background before the real story starts.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative. I really think you have a great idea here and I would like to see it do well. I am a freelance editor and often look at the things I read from an editorial point of view, as I have here. I shall read on and comment further at a later date if you wish.
Good luck,
Lilian
"Unspoken" view book

I read Chapter 10. This was interesting and as I have worked for most of my adult life with disaffected teenagers, I felt i knew these kids. Nicely written and evocative. I may come back for more if I have time.

Lilian. view book

This is an interesting story and is sure to appeal to a wide range of people as the subject matter is always of interest. In parts it needs a little more tension or conflict to keep the pace up. Well written on the whole, with good characterisation. Good luck with it.

Lilian x view book

A fascinating story with great premise. There is very little I can add to the cmments you've already received, except to say that I wish you every success with it. I'll read on and comment again if anything occurs to me. I shall find time to shelve this in the very near future. If I forget - please give me a nudge.

Lilian view book

A great story from a master storyteller! Adventure, science, time-travel, teleportation and romance! Gotta love it. view book