This story's pretty well polished compared to most of the others on authonomy, and it looks like you've got an interesting concept behind it. Given the length of the chapters, I felt that an average reader would know whether or not they wanted to continue with the book after finishing the first one, so my critiques are based on that.

First of all, I'd like to say that there's a lot of detail. You've clearly thought this through, and your world is vivid in your mind. However, it didn't really feel like there was a hook! I read the first paragraph, then the second, waiting for some revelation that would make me sit up and think, "Hmm, interesting!"

I can't stress how crucial it is for that first sentence, the first paragraph, and the first four pages to be *intriguing*. If it doesn't catch my interest by then, I'm not reading the book - and that's pretty much par for the course for your average reader. The backstory is great; the detail is great, too, but it's out of place at the very beginning of the book.

I can usually find quite a few spelling and grammar errors in the first page or two, but your writing doesn't seem to have spelling issues. There are a few problems with commas (mostly missing between independent clauses) and colons (try using dashes for interjections and semicolons to join related sentences instead). I can give specifics if you prefer, but they should be fairly visible once you've gone back over the comma rules and are looking for them.

Your dialogue seems believable, and the ratio of dialogue to narration looks fine to me. You've got plenty of great reviews and you're high up on the charts, so you've got to be doing something right!

A little brushing up on grammar, mixed with a little pacing revision should really improve the flow and excitement of the story. I look forward to reading a future draft! view book

Admittedly, YA Lit is a bit outside my genre, so please take my thoughts with a grain of salt. If nothing else, some of them should be helpful when you begin the editing process :)

Your hook starts out well; I find myself wondering who this princess is, why she has paws, and why she's out on a cold balcony. By the end of the second paragraph, I'm still waiting to find out why we're watching her. We know she wants an adventure, that it's sunset, that her eyes are brown, and that her balcony is outside her room. That's good - visuals are important to the scene! The problem is, visuals have to take second priority to your hook. The question that absolutely *has* to be answered in the first two paragraphs is, "Why should I keep reading through the first four pages?"

By the end of the second paragraph, I wasn't sure what the answer was. I can't stress enough how important that first hook is! The first four pages are also important, because they need to introduce all the major concepts people need to know about your universe, they need to make the reader interested in the character(s), and they need to introduce the story's conflict. Without a stunning hook and a great four-page start, you'll find yourself unable to entice most readers into continuing their literary journey.

Having Lepra turn into some evil clawed creature is a good start to the conflict, but I'm curious about her reactions. Her father feels an overpowering sense of evil, but there doesn't seem to be any consistent difference in the way Lepra speaks or acts. How has this mental (and physical) experience made her feel? If she's smarter, we need to hear the razor sharpness of her intellect! If she's evil, we need to see it in hidden smirks and dialogue full of double meanings :P

Giving names like "Lepra" and "Leo" to characters that are cats is, in my opinion, rather cliche - especially for a young adult book. Of course, that is just my opinion :P Is there a reason these characters have chosen such names? There's been a lot of fiction involving human/cat/fox/etc transforming characters (especially in the furry communities) - what makes yours amazing and special? What's the unique spark or idea that sets this apart from all the others? To sit down and write this much of a story, I *know* you have such an idea, and I want to hear it! *That's* what your hook should involve :) I want your readers to say, "Wow, I'd never thought of it that way before!"

If Lepra spends so much time in her room, how could she possibly not notice a secret latch on her door? If this isn't immediately important to the story, perhaps you could find a better reason for introducing the secret latch a little later in the book.
If the King knew of even the slightest possibility of his daughter turning into some evil creature because of the chest, he would never have allowed her near it - even if someone else had told him that they were sure it'd be fine. Is there another reason he would have given it to her? Is it possible that he had no idea there could be problems?

I'm always hesitant to bring up grammar issues with a work marked as "incomplete", so feel free to ignore these specifics or use them in your eventual editing process as you see fit:

"seventeenth birthday and the princess" - This needs a comma, like so: "seventeenth birthday, and the princess"

"absorb the details around her but the sky" - This needs a comma, like so: "absorb the details around her, but the sky"

"few quick moments it consumed the girl's room" - This seems, to me, like it would benefit from a comma after "moments". The word "room" also showed up in the previous sentence, so you might want to consider changing it to avoid repetition.

"sun dipped behind the hills and the last bit of light disappeared" - Both "The sun dipped behind the hills" and "the last bit of light disappeared" are independent clauses, so they need to be separated with a comma *and* a conjunction. This crops up a lot, so I'm not going to list any more places where it happens. I'd suggest going back over the comma rules every once in a while (I have to do the same thing) when you do go back through and edit.

"as his daughter transformed and relaxed his shoulders." - This is a tricky one to watch out for. Did his daughter's transformation relax his muscles, or did he relax them himself? Rearranging the sentence can help make this clearer: ", but he smiled graciously and relaxed his shoulders as his daughter transformed."

"His white hair could be seen creeping into his gray mane" - "His" is used twice here, and I think the sentence could be tightened up a bit: "White hair could be seen creeping into the gray mane around the top of his head"

"her father said opening up his arms" - This needs a comma: "her father said, opening up his arms"

"The small dagger hidden up her sleeve, briefly caught at the King's sleeve" - You don't need a comma here, and the word "sleeve" appears twice very close together. Perhaps consider changing the King's sleeve to "cloak" or "shirt" or "robes"?

"her eyes starred holes into the wood" - I think you meant "stared" ;)

I look forward to reading more of your story a little further along in the process! view book

Your story idea, though complex, intrigues me. I think that I would have an easier time of it if I understood more about the eastern religions. Your grasp of the English vocabulary is excellent, and your word choice is varied and effective. I really enjoy the composition of several of your sentences, as well.

After the prologue (which is in past tense), you switch to present tense. This confused me a little, but it seems to work well for action scenes. In the first chapter, there are a *lot* of new concepts thrown at the reader, like teleportation, "psy" powers, spaceships, and monsters. It seems like a lot to take in all at once. I felt a little bit like someone thrown into the deep end of a pool. On the bright side, it means your universe is complex and fantastical. On the other hand, it means you have more of a challenge to engage your readers and bring them into your world. I'm not sure how you would ease people into all the strange sights your worlds have to offer, but I think your story would benefit from the effort.

As other readers have apparently mentioned, grammar is something that needs extra attention. There are a few awkward word choices, but the majority of the issues seem to be with comma placement. Here are some things that I noticed:

The opening phrase "created in lust and disowned at birth" is great!

"His mother Ira seduced the supreme God Shiva conceiving Shaitan" - This needs a comma, like so: "His mother Ira seduced the supreme God Shiva, conceiving Shaitan"

"which lead to the union of these two strong souls." - I believe you meant "led", not "lead".

"When most needed Shaitan's powers" - This needs a comma, like so: "When most needed, Shaitan's powers"

"Thus even as the first cells…" - This sentence would benefit from two commas, like this: "Thus, even as the first cells of Shaitan's being were conjugated, he was condemned." I like this sentence a lot. It feels very powerful.

"By then he knew he was unique." could benefit from a comma: "By then, he knew that he was unique."

"supreme super life form" - I don't know if you need to add "super" when you already have "supreme". I would pick one and remove the other.

"the more traditional and typically the more honest way." is a sentence fragment, so you shouldn't connect it to the previous sentence with a semicolon. You could use a dash, like so: "He could do this step by step - the more traditional and, typically, the more honest way."

"take one kingdom at a time, raze it to the ground and rebuild it his way." - It looks like you're missing one comma. It should be "take one kingdom at a time, raze it to the ground, and rebuild it his way."

"divine path to glory, an accelerated five seconds" - This comma should be a dash instead, since it's a sentence fragment tacked onto the end of another sentence.

"Shaitan simply stole Shiva's celestial weapon the Trident." should have a comma: "Shaitan simply stole Shiva's celestial weapon, the Trident."

"Surely as the son of Shiva," needs one more comma: "Surely, as the son of Shiva,"

"strength flow right through him uniting the skies above" needs a comma: "strength flow right through him, uniting the skies above"

I hope this is at least a little bit helpful, and I look forward to reading your work again in time. view book

By the number of chapters, it looks like you have a well-thought-out vision of your universe and characters. Your hook was pretty good, too. With a full-length work like this, it's understandably a lengthy process to revise and edit it, so I'll try to give some helpful feedback in that area.

Pacing: The story starts off well, but there is a large chunk in the middle of the first chapter that's almost entirely exposition. For example, what does the grey mist have to do with the story? There are several other places where there seems to be a lot of info-dumping, at least in the first couple of chapters. You might want to go back over it with an eye out for places where the flow could be smoothed out a little.

Story concept: It's difficult to stand out in the fantasy genre, especially when dealing with the whole modern-day muggle/wizard paradigm. From what I've read, it does feel a little bit like Harry Potter fanfic, so it's doubly important for you to bring up the things that make your story unique as soon as possible. The general guideline I go by says that you need to hook the reader, begin some part of the story's conflict, and introduce all the major elements of your universe that your reader needs to know about within the first four pages of your book.

Dialogue: I like your mix of dialogue and exposition, with the exception of a few info-dump paragraphs here and there. One thing you might want to consider is using a few more contractions in your characters' speech. Most people don't write out "You are" for "You're", "Do not" for "Don't", etc. Making their speech patterns feel more natural can add a stronger feel of realism to your story.

Technical / Grammar: Again, I understand that revising and editing a longer work takes a great deal of time and effort. That said, I don't imagine you're very far into the process at this point. Areas to work on include tense conflicts, comma rules, sentence fragments, pronoun conflicts, and (though it's technically not part of grammar rules) awkward word choice. I know that might sound overwhelming, but it's really not; re-reading through a couple of english textbooks should be plenty to brush back up on grammar rules. I have to do it myself from time to time.

Since it really helps me to have specific examples, here are a few from the first chapter:

"house to house for probably weeks now" Consider switching this up a little differently, perhaps "house to house - probably for weeks"

"It's almost dark and the curfew is in two hours." - "It's almost dark" and "the curfew is in two hours" are both independent clauses, so you need a comma before the "and", like so: "It's almost dark, and the curfew is in two hours."

"taking the glass from him, before adding," - This *technically* doesn't need a comma. It could just be "taking the glass from him before adding,"

"People started to gather their things and left." This sounds like a tense problem. It should be either "People gathered their things and left." or "People started to gather their things and leave."

"someone would have seen him and knew where he was." This is also a tense problem. It should be either "someone would have seen him and known where he was." or "someone had seen him and knew where he was."

Good luck in your revision and editing process, and thanks for writing! I look forward to reading your work a little further down the road :) view book

Aside from a few missing commas, this could have been sitting on a bookshelf at Borders. That was a really good hook! I don't usually like teen fic, but the djinn angle is uncommon enough to be interesting. Combined with such a good first-person writing style, it's excellent! I just checked your rank, thinking I'd have a great book to "discover", only to realize it's already #9 and on its way up! view book

I like this story! Your world-building is quite good, and you clearly have a strong understanding of your characters.
The underlying concept is interesting, at least to me, so I'll probably keep this on the watchlist for a couple more days so I can read more.

There are a few grammatical changes that, I think, will really make the story feel more polished. In general, the three main areas to look at are sentence fragmentation, comma rules and word/phrase choice. Remember that this is just my advice, so take it or leave it :) Here are some specifics:

"Locating the right one was already hard in the tunnel's gloom, and even worse..." - "even worse..." is a sentence fragment, so you shouldn't really be using a comma before the conjunction. You could change it to ", and it was even worse...", or you can drop the comma.

"She dusted the powder disgustedly from her earth-shaded robes." The words "dusted" and "disgusted" sound entirely too alike for me. Maybe this would sound better like so: "She brushed the powder disgustedly from her earth-stained robes."

"If things went the way they had been she'd be dead first." This needs a comma: "If things went the way they had been, she'd be dead first."

"She may be unemployed..." This would be better with "might": "She might be unemployed..."

"Here the world was tumbling into oblivion and she couldn't find..." Here's another independent clause that's missing a comma/conjunction pair. Try this: "Here the world was tumbling into oblivion, and she couldn't find..."

"Rachel bent and brushed another, paused." Maybe "Rachel bent and brushed another, then paused."?

These are just a few examples, and it *does* get better in the second chapter ;) I know it's incomplete, so you probably haven't finished (or maybe started?) editing, so take all this with a grain of salt.

There does seem to be a little bit of a disconnect between the into and the first chapter; I found myself wondering where the newly-introduced characters went and why I had to know about them in the first few pages. It seemed a little strange that Rachel didn't act more confused or thrown off by the interior of the necklace-accessed secret passage. What are all the other objects on the shelves, and why doesn't she know what they are - especially if she acts so familiar with the space?

I'm sure this is revealed later, and the intro can always be tightened up during revision anyway. view book

First off, let me say that the concept is hilarious and delightful.

Upon reading the first chapter, I find myself in one of those dazes that might be experienced by someone walking into a room filled with, say, kittens having a pillowfight against puppies in traditional Samoan garb. It's the kind of daze where you have *absolutely* no idea what's happening, but you just can't help grinning happily at the sight.

This book is far outside my genre, so please take these comments with a grain of salt. You're at #5 right now, so relax - you've got something going for you!

Since I don't normally read or write first-person fiction, I can't accurately critique your voice. I can say that there were a *lot* of sentence fragments (which is probably the reason I don't read first-person). This isn't inherently problematic, but when you're trying to hook your readers right there on the first page, you don't want them to find anything that makes them stumble as they try to read it. I, personally, was having too much trouble trying to unravel the characters and the environment to really get into the flow of the story, so it didn't really have much luck hooking me. It might work with your target audience, but I do not know.

I'd like to mention comma placement. I tend to look for this specifically, as it applies to *all* genres (yes, even stream-of-consciousness, so there), and there are quite a few commas missing or misplaced - at least in the first couple of chapters. Let me throw in some specifics:
"seersucker suit and yes," should be "seersucker suit and, yes,"
"Ralph Lauren ad because guess what - she was" should be "Ralph Lauren ad because, guess what - she was"
"But one night, while ministering to abandoned pups at the shelter I'd" should be "But one night, while ministering to abandoned pups at the shelter, I'd"

Take it and do with it what you will :) view book

This is an excellent story with plenty of polish. Your characters have depth, the suspense builds well (if a tiny bit slowly, but perhaps that's just me), and it looks like there will be a delicious amount of sociopolitical twists and manipulations :D

As a grammar Nazi, there are a few minor editing fixes, some of which I'd like to point out. I doubt most people would notice, so do whatever you wish with them. I've read two chapters so far, but I'm only including specifics for Chapter 1 - it seems to get better the further in I read :P Keep an eye out for awkward wording or phrases; I've only noticed a couple, but they do exist.

"eased to the curb and killed the engine" needs a comma before the "and"
"second light and the street was dark" needs a comma before the "and"
"her long stride had Patricia on the edge of running" - I might change "edge" to "verge", but that's a matter of preference.
"leg gave way. She lost her balance." - this might benefit from joining, like "leg gave way and threw her off balance."
"Beau's office they had a fabricated cover story" - this probably needs a comma between "office" and "they"
"Or better yet which appalled look" - might benefit from some commas, like "Or, better yet, which appalled look"
"entered the building behind Judith. Judith" - you might want to avoid using "Judith" back to back. Maybe say "her friend" for the first instance, instead?
"easily pass for late twenties." - this seems like it should be "easily pass for someone in her late twenties."
"all ... deportment" - consider replacing the ellipsis with a hyphen
The bit about the "blinds" uses the word quite a few times in a fairly short space. Perhaps consider a synonym for one or two of them?
"sizzled the square" - "sizzled across the square"
"The flames spread quickly through the top of the oak, as revelers poured out of the bar on the corner to watch the tree burn."

I never know how much choppy sentence structure is intentional, especially with narratives like this. It is outside my genre, after all! It didn't seriously impact my reading, though, and the story has definitely drawn me in. I'll back this book, as I think it's really, really close to ready, and I like the concept. view book

Your world is incredibly rich, and you bring the sights and sounds of it through vividly. It looks like you've written quite a long story, too - going by the chapter numbers, that is!
Grammatically, the work is much better than the average for this site, and this *really* adds to the readability.
As I've only had time to read through the first few chapters, I mostly have some general suggestions - take them or leave them as you will, and certainly don't take them as anything but hopefully-constructive criticism :)

Though the grammar is above average, everyone tends to struggle here and there with comma rules. With a work as massive and varied as this one, editing can be a daunting task. When you do have time for editing, please do go back over comma rules to find the few places where they could still be applied.

I have to catch myself at this, too - I see some places where the same word is repeated a lot in a relatively short space. I've got a thesaurus open while I edit, and I do my best to make sure the same word (except basic ones, obviously) doesn't appear more than once every couple of paragraphs. Similar trends apply for the longer view of your novel. You'll find that there are some words you use a lot more than others, and it may be worth it to go back and tidy some of those up.

The intro is good! Drawing the reader in with a dream sequence is a way to catch their attention, give away a couple of vague spoilers, and introduce your world a little without taking the time to go into detail. After this intro, there is room for a little bit of background, but *not much*! The first four pages should find a way to hook the reader (with the intro), keep their interest while introducing any special concepts the reader needs to know about the world, and then there needs to be another hook to keep your reader intrigued. Usually, this is where I kick off a major or minor conflict, because, without something here, the reader's going to get bored. Again, this is a task for the revision phase of the process, and you'll have to go back through and read the whole thing with an eye for plot and pacing. This is something you can also stay aware of while you write, so revision is a little easier down the road. view book

You clearly understand your characters, and I like the depth they have. With a few exceptions, they all seem to act in accordance with their roles and personalities.
However, a good book shouldn't need pages of background; that information should be worked into your story. When a reader picks up a book, they have nothing invested in it. It's your job, in the first sentence, the first paragraph, and in the first four pages, to capture your reader's attention. You have to make them want to continue reading, and it takes a fair bit of interest for a reader to knuckle down and slog through some backstory.

There are some odd (and some incorrect) word choices - for example, "apart that" is not valid. There are so many things you could replace it with, too! Have you been reading a lot of good-quality literature lately? Sometimes, you'll find that reading other well-structured books can enhance the quality of your own writing.

I suppose I should have mentioned this closer to the beginning, but you have *tons* of run-on sentences. Sentence fragments (a subject, a verb, and a predicate) can only be joined with a comma and conjunction, a semicolon, or a dash (if it's an aside or in-line explanation). You can't simply join a bunch of sentences together with commas and hope it holds; that's not how this works.

There are a few places where dialogue isn't handled properly. Dialogue needs to be enclosed in quotation marks, and, if someone else starts speaking, you have to put their dialogue on a new line. I noticed that, in the Background, Nick says the word "dad" repeatedly in his sentences - for example, "Please DAD, please don't make Wayne my responsibility, that's not fair, I have no life anymore DAD, look at yourself, I'm at my wits end DAD." You might want to go back through and look for areas where the same word is repeated a lot.

Every writer has their Achilles' heel. Mine, for example, is pacing - I have a difficult time writing what happens "between the action." A much more common problem to find, especially on this site, is an unfamiliarity with basic grammar rules. Don't get discouraged about this! Your ideas are good, and you've got the gumption to put your thoughts down on a page. Your characters are mostly believable, too, so go find an English textbook and get some review time in!

As the story's still unfinished, I'm sure most of this stuff'll come out in editing. Looking forward to reading it once it's done! view book

Since I'm a grammar Nazi at heart, your writing is a crystalline pleasure, marred only by the (now acceptable, I'm told) use of "And" and "But" to start a sentence now and then. The pacing is slow, but that just leaves room for more world-building and more shock when events break out of their placid, soothing progression.

You may have been here for only a short time (relatively), but it sounds like you've honed your craft for many years. I, too, grew up with a cornucopia of opportunities to appreciate good literature and the rules that define its technical quality, and it's wonderful to see someone so meticulous with their work. view book