Bill, I read the first four chapters and hope to come back and finish this engaging story. You have a distinctive voice here, and an intriguing start. The characters are clearly drawn and the only lack I feel in this opening is more about Penny - I only see her through the eyes of adults. Does she ever speak for herself, or have more focus later on? Hope so. Wish you success with this - Frances. view book

It's rare to find a novel set in South Africa, even rarer one that deals with mines. I enjoyed this book, though with the benefit of hindsight, now that apartheid is finished and South Africa is a democracy, it's less unsettling and uncomfortable than it should be. Your characters are drawn with warmth and understanding, but I found the early chapters had too much backstory - this needs to be paid out slowly as it impacts on the plot. The landscape, lifestyles and politics of the 1980s are well evoked. Beware of using cliched similes. Thank you for this human story. view book

Certainly had me hooked. Reminded me of 'The Collector' and 'Misery'. Am intrigued to know how this will end, even though Jeffrey is such an unappealing character, you get inside his head so convincingly that he becomes more sympathetic. I hope Caralena escapes..... view book

Carrie, you tackle a complex and poignant subject with great heart. I read the first ten chapters, then chs 20, 20, 20, 50 60 and through to the end. I was easy able to understand the narrative arc of the whole story, which suggests that you either need more subplots, or you need to edit your material. Some lovely touches - Dan's first experience of Tar and the bag of biscuits, good descriptions of his sensory experiences as a newly dead person. But he seemed too one-dimensional; he needs to have more happening in his life, more conflict about his decision caused by a wealth of reasons to stay alive... somehow, I can't feel the sympathy for him - or Annie - that I want to feel. You convey the messiness of the physical outcomes of some suicide attempts vividly. I've written a play for teenagers on this topic, and know how hard it is to tackle it with sensitivity and a sense of realism. I think you need more story. Hope this helps. Frances. view book

Tony, I read all of this. You create a vivid and credible atmosphere of Soviet Russia at war; I particularly like your cameos of the peasants who help pull the car out of the ditch, the uneasy alliance of Chaliapin and his liberator, and the women snipers, their relationships amid the minutiae of trench warfare. I felt in CH 1 there was maybe too much explanation after the first incident - I could have grasped the story without quite so much detail. But this is a fine achievement. I loved Helen Dunmore's books on the Siege of Leningrad and NA Randalls book here, and this is as intriguing and detailed. I hope to see it published. FK. view book

Audrey, I read all of this in one go. You exactly hit the right tone with your MC - she is articulate, idealistic and not ready for life's realities. I feel a tragedy beginning to brew - maybe it's because her childhood and adolescence is drawn so idyllically - can anyone really grow up surrounded by such consistently kind, loving people? She radiates a sense of safety and security and the unfolding of the petals of her true love for Chris is beautifully realistic.... yet I know it cannot last! Maybe in the early chapters some presaging of life's darker moments would help the reader to gauge her character and test its mettle. Life , friends, good looks all seem to come just a little too easily to her. Your story, though, is compelling and I know she will have to go on a difficult journey [with the setting up of the steadfast tin soldier story, which we know is a tragedy.].. I can't begin to guess how it will end. Here are a few things I notice along the way:
how old is narrator in ch 1? Ch 2 how much older? Loved the description of Chris's blue eyes. 'Rocks' being small enough to extract with tweezers looks funny to me, being English. Rocks are always fairly big, stones can be any size, pebbles have smooth edges and you find them on a beach, and gravel, which is what she gets in her wounds, are tiny bits of grit... maybe this doesn't translate into American usage - are all stones there rocks, whatever size?
If Frankie is 'patient and kind', how can he be cold and detached in the same sentence? Maybe 'He was patient and kind to other children, but to me..'
You create a believable family with the Monahans - I used to live next door to a tribe of Collingwoods and I keep seeing them all in my mind as I read this... not sure if you name the year or the decade, or should we know that by the sporting references? No use if not American!
'you could tell he'd stop breathing if she didn't love him' - your writing is full of these felicities!
Oh, just hit the wedding chat and now I know it's the eighties, but from the text I guessed far earlier, like 60s. Does this matter? Do we need to know when the story starts?
What are 'awkward baseball tans'? Uncomfortable? Unnatural looking?
'continue to discuss sports' in ch 12 should be 'continued'.
Well done. xx Fan
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Colin, I've so far read 5 chapters, prompted by your forum thread re dramatis personae, to see if it's possible for a reader to engage with this book without any gloss or preamble. My feeling is that it certainly does not need a list of characters; once you have hooked your reader with Wolfe, the attack on Prince William and Beathan's belonging/apartness from his village community, Scraping a living from a barren Scottish rock is well described and reminded me of 'Man of Aran' and my time on S Uist, so you've got the authentic vibe and a great setting. One thing occurred to me - your use of your prolix EW as editor, who brings a comically pedantic element to MacGregor's sonorous 19th century prose [hope that is what you intend!] - if you need a prologue to establish for example TM's use of Gaelic, any biographical details/historic personages you as author feel need explanation, why not give the prologue to EW in his capacity as Editor [always with that capital E]. This would add weighty support to the verisimilitude of your author, and give you a chance to play with your Editorial voice? 2 small things: the way you put 'banshee' and 'death cry' together in one sentence looks as if it is a literal translation [sorry if I am teaching grandmother to suck eggs here] - a banshee is literally a woman fairy. And not sure Beathan would say 'Faílte' as he enters the síbín - that's what a host would say to a guest - wouldn't he be more likely to call God's blessing on the company? I'm keeping this on my WL because it looks like the whole book is here and I'd like, critical carping apart, to finish it for pleasure. FK view book

Celine; I read 18 chapters of this poignant, detailed narrative. As a mother, I absolutely respond to the horror of your situation, particularly the snatching away of your breast feeding daughter. Your struggle should be honoured and celebrated. I feel though that it could benefit from copy editing, to shape your life in such a way that we follow your journey as a story, as well as a truth. For example, I dont even know the year you were born? I'd like more description - of you, your kids, your house, your ex husband - so I relate to them all as personalities. At the moment they are too abstract. But this is a fine document and well worth working on. I have a huge WL at the moment but would like to come back and finish the story. Well done - FK view book

Stephen - this gets off to a cracking start and your unlikely bunch of utopian empire builders contains all the potential of 'Withnail and I' meets 'Carry on Cruising'. Only had time to read ch1 but will come back as this is a book I would read for pleasure, not from duty. Quentin is particularly well drawn, not just because he's so like Withnail, but because he is the archetypal aristo student bully [we had one or two].
Here are a few nitpicks. I think you could work more on the aphorisms - sometmes a sentence begins splendidly, then tails away, eg Harriet's observation on Shona's breasts getting sunburned... needs to end with more of a punch! That para starting with 'she was drowning because she'd become bored' - which is a nice witty insight, could be improved. Arrggh please not 'bored of ' which always gets up my nose - instead of repetitions of bored with, how about a few, maybe alliterative, synonyms? Then you could have a build [as we say in playwriting biz] which would add to comic effect of para. There is a great deal of being bored in this chapter and it needs some comic/verbal playing around with. Otherwise, the reader starts yawning too.
'counter the effects of nearly drowning with' is clumsy and looks wrong. 'How to counter the effects of nearly drowning' leaves the key word ringing at the end of the sentence. Read it out loud and see what I mean.
Didnt they see the two Bahamians reach land before changing course? Later on they are still in the water - confusing.
'didn't bear thinking about' not 'bare'
I'll be back. But speaking as one who wrote a black dystopia with occasional humour, it's a joy to find a comic dystopia. Well done - Fan K
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Brendan, I'm glad I found this. Your name caught my eye [I used to know a Behan, grandniece of Brendan], and once I started, I couldn't stop. Your eye for visual detail and your knowledge of factory life is a joy, and your MC's status as condemned prisoner, coming from his honest yet humble origins, is intriguing. You have occasional flashes of pure genius, like the paragraph in Ch 1 describing Beatty and her breasts juxtaposed with the visual beauty of the light, and the paragraph on CH 2 about the dead blue tits. These moments create a character better than any amount of emotionally loaded words like brutish, depressing, unjust or dear, sweet, kind. I empathise with your need to find a third person voice that speaks for your MC, as that's exactly what I am struggling to do with Callie, but for me, it doesn't always work here. Have you tried writing it in first person, where the character's tendency to self-pity would not be shared with the omniscient third person narrator? And when Ernest was a small boy missing his dead father, would he know that he was missing his 'support', rather than, say, his Dad's freckly arms lifting him up or his moustache tickling the boys cheek? You need age-appropriate terminology, which will also help with the transition from boy to young man. Weed out any adjectives that are calling on the reader for sympathy. Go for pure observation, untainted by value judgments, and then the reader will be encouraged to develop those feelings for herself, rather than have them prompted. Does this make sense? Hope so. view book

Grace - when reading a piece of work as powerful as this, it's hard to keep an intellectual distance and look for ways it could be improved. It is clear that you have spent years polishing and editing your material, and I think you have released each detail and each step in Jennifer's recovery with maximum dramatic effect, making a story that builds into a coherent whole. Even for people who may be sceptical about satanic ritual and angelic beings, your life story has authenticity, honesty, courage and a lack of self-pity that is humbling.High stars, and I wish you the very best of success with this book, here on Autho and out in the wider world. Blessings to you - Frances.. view book

Richard, this document is harrowing in its detail and truthfulness. Your recall of your life [because it has to be true, this could not be made up] is excellent. I loved your descriptions of life in Jamaica and the culture there, where Duppies and superstitions coexisted with a lively interest in church and religion. Your spelling and punctuation is fine. You main character is sympathetic and likeable. One thing I would suggest is that you hold back from giving us judgmental statements, for example about the incestuous relationship of your father and his cousin. You don't need to tell us how horrible it was, her actions put that message over clearly. Let the events of this young man's life speak for themselves. Good luck with this book, it has an unusual subject matter and I hope HC will take an interest in it. Best wishes, Frances K view book

Lizzie, you have hit on a brilliant idea here, and your pleasure in exploring it is evident from the chapters you've put up. It runs along so naturally and easily, the language of Essex translates so well from Austen's own social observations, that the fact that we all know who's going to get off with who[m] n the end really doesn't matter. If HC don't sniff this out and ask for the full, they are mad. Given the year of P&P this is, it should be published asap. For giving me sheer enjoyment, you get high stars and at least a week of backing, but I know it will go up and up. Oh, and have a look at ch 3 where you have a para of bizarre typos! - good luck - Frances K view book

Olive, this is a really beautiful evocation of life in old Dublin. You have caught the authentic voice of the people and created real rounded characters. I like the way you render the dialogue, I can hear that Dublin accent in my head. And your heroine is a delightful, human, likeable young woman. High stars wee done - Frances view book

Kit - I feel the same way about this as I did about Peiis. You have a story to tell, but it gets lost in generalisations and the narrator's ego. Try writing Ruta's story from HER point of view. Then we would learn all we needed to know about her teacher. What you have to say is really important - but you need to be disciplined with your material. Maybe you need to honestly write your autobiography first, to get all that stuff down on paper, so you can then write about these kids who have no one to speak for them. Good luck with your writing. FK view book

Kit - I found this authentic and angry, which is a good start. You have much genuine material here. I feel that the story needs to be shaped more, and you need to decide whose story you are really telling.. You open begins by saying you/the narrator will tell the story of Hamasa and Kane, but their story stirs up memories of the narrator's own life, which then takes over the narrative, and the two become confused with much rambling and generalisation which blurs the edges of the story, and made me impatient to read less of the past reflection on your narrator's life ,and more about now. Hope this is helpful. FK. view book

This is the kind of subject matter that George Gissing handles so brilliantly -it's a modern day Diary of A Nobody. Some of Roger's apercus raise a smile, but much of this is too encyclopedic in its scattergun approach for me to get involved with Roger as a character, or to empathise with his lot in life.I wondered why on earth he had married Charlotte as they seem to have little in common. I'm wondering whether putting this into first person might not help you to weed out unnecessary details and give us more insight into Roger? And I'd like more action and less about thoughts and attitudes. Show us your characters taking decisive actions and we will see the kind of people they are. Hope this is helpful - FK. view book

Sarah/Threepenny - I could not stop reading this. You evoke this world, both the familiar Middle Eastern female-oppressive cultural details, and your own imagined political dystopia - so elegantly and with such heart that I forgot the critical eye in my eagerness to read more of Rabia's story. Highly starred and will be backed soon. Frances K view book

Kate, just had time to read the first three chapters and I'm impressed by your economy - no extraneous detail, no repetition, unless to drop more clues about the tragic history of Marielle and Micah. I'll be back to read and comment again. One thing though - I so wish you'd begun with Chapter 2, right in the action. Whoever the omniscient voice is in Ch 1, for me it's just a distraction. The story will eventually reveal all; for me, the prologue is only a distancing device, and with these characters, I really want to be involved. High stars and hopefully a backing next month - Frances K view book

James, I read all nine chapters. I don't know Glasgow that well, but you evoke the city in a lively and individual way. The story reminds me of O'Henry - you know the one about the husband and wife getting gifts for each other? And it has a wistfulness and an innocence that is very endearing. One thing I found confusing was the long delay before we get into the heads of other characters besides Tonya and Titch. Will we revisit the jeweller again? If not., he needs to be put more firmly into the background of the two main characters' lives. Benny needs to have a POV chapter earlier, maybe before they even meet him, so we can enter into his world too. I think you need to edit your wealth of detail - look at what is essential to create the setting, draw the characters and move the plot along, and strip out the rest, especially explaining the characters when what they actually do shows us the people they are. A very worthwhile book - keep working on it - all the best, Frances K. view book