CWOG
pitches: I like this. And this is important for me to say because I hate pitches. Almost every pitch I've ever read I've said it told too much too little, wasn't written well, was written too well in that it looked cliché...seriously so many complaints with pitches. But I like yours, the fact that you mention up front that there are two different perspectives (him young and him old) kind of jarred me but I felt like that being the one big bit of information in your pitch made for a good hook without giving a way too much. I feel like I know something significant, but can't guess the entire novel based off of what I know. Also, the mention of who he's with at the very end of the pitch are intriguing, they make you want to know the characters you're talking about. There was also nothing grammatical to note about your pitches.
On to the fun part though,

Chapter 1: Two paragraphs in and you've already proven yourself as an incredible wordsmith. "Hung like a charm over an infants crib". And the bit about his mind being a furnace with the oar feeding the flame, you get a mental and physical picture all in one.
Oh I really did mean to write you a long review, but I just can't seem to find anything wrong with this at all. This isn't even a genre I typically enjoy and I love it. I like that you have action and revenge and hate, mixed in with deep conversations that prove that your characters are smarter than how they act occasionally.
Your characters are also well rounded and believable. Though I would like to be able to know exactly how they might look, you do a good job of letting us know what they're doing at all times.
I think this storyline is incredibly original and it's brave of you to take on something that seems so difficult to write. And you've done a fantastic job writing it from what I've read thus far.
As for marketability I think that you won't have much trouble finding an audience.
Great job here,
God bless view book

CWOG

Pitches: Just intriguing enough without giving too much away. It made me want to read your story. However, in your long pitch you mention 'the first 13 years' and in the story it appears to begin with him at around age 17. This makes the reader wonder where the other four years went. I may be misunderstanding this, but then again, if I am, other people may misread this as well. EDIT: After reading further, I realize that was not Charlie in the prologue but someone else. It is still a bit confusing though.

Prologue: Your prologue says man roughly 5 times in the first few paragraphs. Perhaps you could use a few different words to get across the same conversation, it began to get a little tedious after awhile. That however is the only fault I found in the prologue, the rest of it was as intriguing as any. The magic man, the man who was supposedly contemplating suicide or faking it. Every part of your prologue has me asking questions in fact, which is a good thing because that means I had to 'turn the page'.

Chapter 1: There were multiple things wrong [with] that situation.
"of feeling the re[d]-eyed menace
he had [to] knock him around a bit
"who [was] grinning widely
"felt to[o] many times"
There are a few typos and a bit of off grammar, but there was nothing seriously structurally wrong with this chapter. I really like how believable you make where he's living sound, and how his friend doesn't show up to walk to school with him. It just makes it seem real, instead of just having characters go through the motions because that's what they're supposed to do. You have someone not doing what they're supposed to do.

The 'homeless' man was a nice touch at the end of your first chapter, it's intriguing and again begs me to go further one more chapter. I don't have the time now, but I assure you I'm not stopping reading this because I want to stop.

Excellent writing here,
God bless view book

This is beautiful. I've always been a little obsessed with water so I may be biased, but the way that you have the 'tattoos' and her seeing things on her birthday that normal people wouldn't see, it's all so magically intertwined that you can't help but keep reading. I like that she seems to not know anything. It allows us to discover right along side her.

My only nitpick with this would be that I felt all that I could truly picture were the objects. The house, were they sat, the ocean by them. I have no idea how to picture Gramps and Kova. You're incredible at writing dialogue so the characters definitely came to life, but I would like to be able to see them as well.

God bless view book

CWOG

the first two paragraphs really put me into this laid-back chill nature surrounding mood, and then you compared a bird with a jet-plane and for me at least lost the nature feel.

'which is [the] way it was more often than not' (just a missed word here.)
The sentence directly following that "I was going to say something about the snow but then I forgot what I was going to say because..." is too wordy and almost confusing.

You have me intrigued by trying to guess who your main character is talking to, since it can't be here father, mother, grandmother, daughter, or husband...but I have to admit with all this secrecy and suspicion and more questions instead of answers everywhere the story turns, it does get a bit tedious.
I don't recommend changing it as this style appeals to many, but I've decided that personally it's not quite my cup of tea.

God bless view book

I can't believe this is the first time I've stumbled upon such an enthralling story. Every part of your pitch made me have to read the book so it worked well. This mention of his ring being the only thing found ties in nicely with the cliff-hanger in the pitch about him potentially not being dead.

Everything about this is well-polished and beautifully paced.
God bless view book

I read up to the fourth chapter and I must say it certainly appears you've done your research. A lot of this is good advice however some of it does come off as a bit condescending. I would consider not putting in too much effort to describe and explain what people already know.

That said, coming from a huge Rowling fan, I love this book.
best of luck with it. God bless view book

CWOG

I've read up to the end of chapter 4 now, and a lot of the characteristics scream Hunger Games still...
BUT this is an original story. I especially like the complexity of how slyly the selected have worked their way around the treaty so that it all works out in their favor without them technically having to do anything.
Your mc is such a strong dynamic character, but the backstory in chapter 3 works especially well to show us that she has more of a soft humble heart than her exterior would want people to believe. It's a beautiful testament to the integrity of those who come from nothing that somehow find themselves in a position of having plenty.
I like the strange 'friendship' she seems to have with Sam. Because he fails her multiple times, it feels more real than a lot of friendships in stories where everything just seems perfect all the time. I hope to come back and read this last chapter but I wanted to be able to give it my full attention and it's late where I'm at so I was falling asleep.

God bless view book

The little twist here at the end of your first chapter is very gripping. This "Christopher" that they've been searching seems like (s)he's going to be my favorite character. I really enjoyed reading this.

One thing, nearing the end you type women where I think you meant woman. That's all I noticed though.

Excellent idea here, and good job tackling a very original subject.
God bless view book

Cwog

Wow. The writing here is absolutely astounding. You didn't give away too much in your pitches or first chapter, but there are enough hints that your reader wonders what more there is going on.

I love the thoughts inside your mc's mind, we're wondering thus far what on earth is wrong with her. A question I assume will be explored and, in time, answered somewhere within the story.

Excellent job here, no typos to point out. I really enjoyed this. I'll be looking for a spot for this on the shelf at the turn of the month.

God bless view book

CWOG

Michael, I must say I agree with Claire (Littleredriley) Your pitches really sell this work short.

It made it sound a bit boring. So reading it, I expected to be bored. Fortunately, I was wrong. This work is brutally heart wrenching. I've not read far yet, but I feel like before it's over I'll probably end up crying for Michael. I felt tears stinging the back of my eyes with all of his innocent questions.

The looters weapons were creative to say the least.

Your characters are very believable and seem quite real, and your plot is creative enough that I don't think you'll have any trouble finding a market for this.

The one thing that kind of threw me was in the first paragraph "grotesque mask of grief that twisted his filthy face". When I first read this in my mind I was picturing Michael as this ugly, bratty kid because grotesque and filth were two of the first words used to describe him. Then in the next paragraph you mention his wide innocent blue eyes. I would wait to make your point about how Michael is physically dirty until after you've introduced your audience to him. Like I said, that was the only hang up.

Other than that brilliant writing here.
God bless view book

I am reading this because your pitch is intriguing and drew me in.

This first bit here already has me shivering. The thought that she willfully 'turned herself to stone' so to speak in order to not feel the pain so harshly was a believable but tragic coping method. You've started this out by very effectively grabbing your readers attention.

And the intrigue was not lost throughout this entire chapter. The ages of your characters are all very believable, yet there are hints that a few may be wiser than what we've seen thus far.
Your characters are all together believable. Introducing us to them in how they react to their surroundings and reminisce of their past works well here.

While I've not read far enough to know whether your plot works from beginning to end, I can say that the idea for he story is both original and fascinating. I don't think you'll have much trouble finding a market for such a thought provoking tale.

My favorite part thus far would be the old man who was rambling to Emma. Were there bits of truths weaved into his madness, or was he just mad? Something I'm sure we'll discover more of later on.

While that was my favorite, the part that held the most power was your beginning, nicely tied up by the ending of this first chapter here I think.

There was nothing grammatically off, and nowhere I thought could really be reworded. All in all, great writing. high stars.

God bless view book

I like this, but the fact that you used the same names kind of threw me, I won't lie. Doesn't seem to be an issue to anyone else though so ignore me.

Anyways, this is seriously funny. Especially amusing as I just finished reading through the original book for the second or third time recently so the similarities are even more highlighted.

There are a few typos here and there in this first chapter but a good once over would fix it easily.
Great writing here
God bless view book

CWOG review

You've created a very scary world her thus far. I like how your main character is so humble of her prestigious position. In a way this setting is reminding me of the Capitol citizens from the Hunger Games series.

I really like this so far. It's intriguing to wonder about why the cities are set up in the way that they are and wonder if these secret meetings are about changing that. The pressing question of why Lauressa isn't being invited to these meetings is very thought provoking. I love what you've named her city. It just seems well thought out.

The Outlanders are frightening characters, I like the mention that no one really knows much about them, but the stories they heard when they were younger kind of makes them not want to find out. In a way it makes your story seem more believable to have something that people don't already know everything about.

Great storyline here,
God bless

Ryanne view book

CWOG

Your pitches are good but they give away a little bit more than what I usually like to go into a book knowing. Leave some things for us to discover. For instance, just tell us about the mark that shows up and how some sort of change occurs. Don't give away what, or where they go. Discovery is the most fun part of fantasy.

Also, your short pitch is taken out of your long pitch. There's no rules against this, but it seems like a bit of waste of space. Especially considering you don't have much room to work with in the first place.

On to the fun part though.
Ooh, this is original. I love the grandmother's voice in the beginning here, there's obvious hints that the character must be very wise, yet speaks knowing that she is most likely speaking to a child. It's perfect to show us that knows how to talk to her audience without coming off as a know it all, or condescending. One thing in this first paragraph, the "love cannot drive out hate etc." is a quote from someone else I'm sure you know. Maybe you should give credit to them somewhere?

The voice of your character seemed very young to me, and that's not a bad thing, however it did get a bit distracting in the way that she was explaining herself, and then explaining her brother, and then the rain, and then repairs, and then... a part of me was wishing the kid would slow down! Then again, if your target audience is young they'll love the pace so it's more of a preference thing than an issue. Reminds me a lot of Barbara Parks Junie B. Jones series thus far with Mani's voice. Sidenote: Mani is such a cute nickname.

I like the mentions of her writing her dreams down in a journal to try to make sense of them, but I really think you could be expanding on these little asides to missing her mother, and dreaming about her, and writing things down etc. You could show your readers more vividly what you as the artist are picturing here. I like how it alludes to something much deeper than just a cute little story about two cute little kids.

I like this, but it has a lot more potential than what I've seen thus far. There were a lot of grammatical errors here that I think a good once over would catch. I think this is a charming idea for a story, and plan on coming back to read more.

God bless view book

CWOG

I've read the prologue and the first two chapters thus far and I have to say I'm hooked.
I like the little line in the prologue "As are you" as if the reader themselves is also just a spirit, but has yet to realize that.
Your main character is very believable in all of his questions and confusion, and the gang he finds himself wandering around with is comically spooky in a way that really urges your reader to go further.
Your hook at the end of chapter 2 makes me want to read further, as it appears that the way they die governs something about how they interpret the 'after life'.

I'll be back to read more of this I'm sure.

God bless view book

Audrey,
YARG review.

I was drawn to this book by the pitch a long time ago and have been intending to read it. After reading the first three chapters I cannot say it's any less compelling. I like how you switch between multiple life styles and personality to show us why it is these kids are doing what they do. Caroline is such a believable beautiful character and it's a little saddening to thing that it's true, a tender heart wouldn't do well in a big school. That said I like how even though she doesn't know it, others are noticing her.
I didn't see any typos or grammatical anything to point out, this is very well edited. I'll be back to read more no doubt.
God bless view book

CWOG

1) You give a way just a bit too much in your pitches. I felt like I was being spoon-fed what I really wanted to come discover. That said,
2) I love almost everything about the voice of your story. Your 'voice' is just so spot on for the character's age. It's entirely believable. Bryan's voice is so funny, and I love the little asides to the reader as if all of this is really just a conversation between the two of us.

I won't go through and nitpick any grammar because of your note, but just to brighten up the prospect of editing, there's really not many nitpicks to suggest anyways!

This is a creative concept and I think you have a wide marketability solely for those who will read it because it's so different. Like I said, don't give away quite as much in the pitch and it'll really add to the intrigue.

Excellent writing here
God bless view book

CWOG

I really am enjoying this. I've just managed to get through roughly the first half of your first chapter as it is quite long but your characters are well developed and believable. As an athlete that once competed at high levels you made me feel the intensity of the close of a tough workout for the first time in almost a year. I will be back to read more of this.

God bless view book

This is outside of my preferred genre, so with that said I can only do a basic review in the hopes I won't sound too biased. (Sorry it took so long to get back with you, the Christmas season is hectic.)

There are a few grammatical errors scattered throughout, but nothing that a good once over wouldn't catch. I like the writing here but I think you could cut back on a few things. For instance, "walking to a door labeled 'stairwell'" wouldn't it be simpler to just say he walked down the stairs?

Also, other than knowing every step the MC takes, I don't really feel I know him. I'm not compelled to read further because your character has not jumped at me and seemed alive. This may be personal preference but I would like to see a bit more emotion to really grasp your reader into caring as to what's going on.

Your dialogue is very believable and done well, as well as your setting. I was born in Kansas, my parents were raised there so I spend a lot of time visiting relatives there and, from what I remember, you've painted the scene quite well.

best of luck
God bless view book

Okay, I've found the time for your first chapter.

Pitch: Your short pitch had me intrigued right up front. Prefers a gun to a boyfriend? my kind of MC. One thing, I read it wrong at first and I think my mistake may enhance the story. I read it "Alex Turner prefers...". I wonder if it may be a bit more powerful to hold of till the Long Pitch to let your reader know that this girl is an agent?

You repeat this phrase of preference to a gun over a boyfriend twice in your pitches alone and then in the chapter itself. While it's a powerful opener, by overusing it you're watering it down.
On to the story now.

There are a few punctuation mistakes right out of the gate here. For instance, the sentence saying she exhaled something just didn't sit right with me. You can exhale a deep breath before saying something, but to exhale a full sentence... well, I imagined her turning blue in the face which is not I'm sure what you were trying to portray here.

Is your MC by chance bipolar? giggling, joking, "take that stupid grin of your face" sounds almost like flirting...and now she's mad?
Also, if the giggle is sarcastic or halfhearted or whatever, would it really erupt? You use strong adjectives and verbs, however I think you could place them in much more effective areas.

"I feel like I can hear you smoking?" is a statement not a question. It should be ended with a period.
Okay, I'm going to stop nitpicking for grammar because this just needs a good once over. They're all simple mistakes and just reading through this would help you loads.

I understand that agents have to scope the places they enter, but why does she scan the exits in a place she works at? Doesn't she already know where they are?

As for the big picture:
Plot: Female agent with little emotions but tons of physical attributes (appearance and otherwise.) With the desire to be more respected in her line of work but blurring the lines of work life and her life. I'm probably not the first to tell you, this is not the most original plotline. However, if done right, (I can't say it is or isn't. I only read chapter one.) it could go somewhere.
Characterization: You round out Alex and Jeremy well. Everyone else I've no idea what they're wearing, what they look like, personality...(one of them I remember having an accent..) but you could've expanded much further.

Also, in your pitch you hinted at the possibility of a relationship developing. I think you could've gone much slower in showing us how this Jeremy character got under Alex's skin. It was too obvious and left nothing to be discovered.

This is personal preference but the amount of F---'s In this chapter alone was ridiculous. If you want your characters to speak colorfully remember to at least switch up your words a little. (I say cringing because I hate profanities at all, but you are writing about adults.)

That's another thing actually. For adults some of the thoughts come across young. That wouldn't take too much time to smooth over because it's not extremely noticeable, just in a few areas.

I like the over all flavor to this book and I think if you've got enough originality sprinkled throughout it could have a real chance here and in the market. Especially because of Alex who is a very memorable character.

Great writing here, like I said, a good once over and this would be darn near perfect.

God bless view book