fledglingowl recent comments

written 472 days ago
cherry

Clive,

Enjoyed, all very believable characters. Art
show went on so long I was as bored as poor Roger. Surprised the children didn't fuss or fight, mine would have. Well written, believable dialogue and characters.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet view book

written 485 days ago
cherry

Clive,
Thanks for the opportunity to read your work. Like your wit and the eccentric characters. The tour of the art museum gave us a few of rogers opinions. I think a fight or argument could lift this experience to a higher level. It,s easier to be funny at a shorter length. I liked your voice, characters, and style. Think tightening would help this.
Good luck with your writing.
Janet'
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written 620 days ago
cherry

Lyle,
Very strange and delightful book. The story seems a bit higgelty-piggelty, going forward at tangents rather than a straight line. Felt the first chapter was a lot more polished than chapter two. Given you high stars and shelf space.
Short and long pitches are both excellent. Very sympathetic character in Jack, his parents seem so strange and he seems lonely and unhappy. Not sure how young people will react, he seems a bit woebegone for the hero - but then you point out he is the villain. Will try to get back for more.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 658 days ago
cherry

Cecily,
Review based on first three chapters. Lovely writing. Glad to have the blurb to go by, since you're writing is one of slow, careful discovery. I appreciate the vivid details of the things Isobel will miss, the strained relation between her and David. It was nice to have the new baby scene to see David's loving reaction to his little daughter. The questions of how and why he abandoned her are wonderful hooks to pull the reader along. Of course, the bigger question is will they establish a loving relationship.
High stars. Good luck with your writing.
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 659 days ago
cherry

Casimir,
What an atmospheric beginning. The lyrical layers of words like the swirls of watercolors on Madge's page. Especially loved the sharpened pencil and the line about the lightest pressure ready to snap the frail spike. Lord, but one can feel and sense murder a foot. Perfect, the motive laid, the madness of the artist.
High stars. A few days on the shelf for you.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 659 days ago
cherry

Elizabeth,
Thanks for the read and critique exchange. High stars, very cute book. Love the cover. Lots of appropriate humor. Found only a couple of minor things. Not sure how Penquin saliva feels, or whether they drool. Maybe walrus drool, or unmolded jello? There were a few places where the format made it difficult to read - suspect it happened when it posted.
Good luck on your writing, Giving you a little shelf time.
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitcen view book

written 663 days ago
cherry

Elke,
Good beginning to a promising story. After the first three, will try an RCG review since this opens as a romance.
Pitch - suggest you remove the words of praise from the short blurb. I'm sure it is warm, endearing and witty, but always prefer a more objective description of the book. The long pitch is excellent.
Plot - clear from the beginning what the problem will be for the characters and you move along effectively toward that end. Like the opening.
Ch 1 was a bit confusing. You have her awaken in 1995, then see her future husband in the club in 91 when she is twenty-three. Then you are talking about her apartment and begin, After finishing high school and a 3-year internship. (I wasn't sure if she was 17 in the club when she saw him, or 23?). The flashback to her time as a child seems awkward here. I think it's important for pointing out some of their relationship obstacles, but might come earlier, before their meeting).
Pacing - varies a lot from chapter to chapter. You are telling your story, showing more and using more dialogue will increase the pace.
Spelling/Grammar - I always hate to list things, but it helps me so much, hope you will take what you find useful and ignore the rest.
Ch. 1. you have 'perfect in every task' in the last sentence, then open the next paragraph repeating perfectly
David shut Ella -- typo, maybe David shot Ella
Ch. 2
in very beginning - maybe in the very beginning
You got to - maybe You've got to
The description of his strange outfit was awkward. Maybe shorten to 'he would freeze since he was sockless in worn sneakers and tight shorts with only his very hairy legs to keep him warm.'
ended conversation civil - ended civilly?
further mingling - meddling?
Go ahead then and walk out then - go ahead and walk out then?
Ch.3
we'd march of to church - typo - off to church
How long did you go there for? - go there?
wreath glisten unobstrusive behind- wreathes glistened behind
padded his arm - typo- patted his arm
Dialogue - I wanted a lot more. More arguments and more sweet talk.
Voice/style - promising
Characterization - Was surprised by the names, Ella, Sandra, Thomas - sounded so English.
Did a good job on both your major characters - again, let them do more and say more to convey their attitudes rather than telling us what they are.
Good job. High stars. Best to you in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 665 days ago
cherry

Debbie,
Lovely story. Read the first three chapters. Great premise, fun characters, great family picture and just a plot that moves as quickly as the family on their bikes. The pacing is perfect for a child's read or a read-to book. It made me wish I had a treadmill connected to a battery to power my television. Wouldn't it be great to get in shape that way? I love the barter system the family worked out. I like the interaction between Grace and Dillon, so believable.
All in all, a very well done book. Well edited and polished, not a wrong or wasted word. High stars and a little time on the shelf.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 678 days ago
cherry

Mary,
Lovely writing, l like the unusual, cinematic opening after the beautiful poem. Gina is a marvelous character and her friends are all clearly delineated. There is a great deal of backstory in your first three chapters (a flaw I share), but I like the indolent way of stepping into a story and into your character's life. I love all the added dimension of the story that makes it seem real and important to the reader.
Like the promise of your cover blurb, especially the short one. Both have good hooks to propel the reader.
Grammar/punctuation - seemed flawless to me.

A few quibles:
Cover murky, not sure what the image is or how the title connects after reading the first three chapers.
Dialogue was good, pacing weak. Expected the big date in chapter two and Gina to become all sixes and sevens.
The opening, though stylish and poetic, needed to have something to pull us from the wide-angle into the character's view. Just something to smooth that out would help.
When you were telling how the mother waited for Night of the Iquana and Deborah Kerr was weak, then you jumped to the name Helen (I guess Mom) and your character is named Gina. Took several beats to reach Deborah in California. I don't know, felt lost in there.
Things I love:
Her cleaning the bosses glasses, waiting for just a word of thanks and connection to validate her existence. An exquisite moment.
High stars, a little shelf time.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen


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written 680 days ago
cherry

Chris,
Promising premise, religious as the true evil in the universe, the source of all war. Not sure how well religion and sci-fi blend since the first takes everything on faith and just believes and the true scientist doubts everything and demands proof. First chapter read well. Will keep you on my watchlist until I can read more. Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 680 days ago
cherry

Ronnie,
Like the blurb, love the cover and tenjoyed he first chapter. Great little book. Makes me want to pull out my sunrise attitude and make a positive impact on all I meet. High stars.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 686 days ago
cherry

Andrew, good job. Read all you've posted. I don't mind sex and violence if there is a point to the story. You have a good drama here, pure good and evil with Jimmy battling between. Like Paulie, thought Jamie Lee was a little too expected. Your short pitch was fine, long one could be longer, okay cover.
There are a lot of grammar errors, someone else pointed out the commas, there were also a few verb usage, tense errors, and a couple of misspellings. We all have those but you need to fix them.
Things that bothered me - I didn't always know what you meant -- not familiar with all the slang. When he's snackered and then you say he needs sleep, I figure the word means tired. But sometimes you use two or three words together that are slang and I can't figure out from context what they mean. Rework so we can always tell. Keep the slang though, it really helped the dialogue.
Second problem was flow. Your action paragraphs are too long, break them into shorter paragraphs.
Third problem. It's often like a Roy Rogers western. Everything is too convenient and he is too lucky. Hands are loosely tied, the boss writes the address down for the girl, Paulie has every weapon imaginable, there is a ladder beside the wall, etc. Then you compound the problem by pointing out how lucky he is when these unbelivable things happen. Plant ahead of time. Have Paulie tell him that the way he makes his bread is as an arms dealer, don't have a ladder, make him scramble up the bricks using rock climbing skills learned in special forces training, etc.
Anyway, I'm giving you high stars, sympathetic hero and nice action plot.
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 692 days ago
cherry

Neal,
Perfect YA material, well written. Wish Bing hadn't spilt the beans so quickly, I was looking forward to how and when he or Evan would tell. Look forward to reading more. Added to my shelf until I do.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 693 days ago
cherry

Andrew,
Congratulations on publication. Well deserved. Love the humor and the magic privy, so much nicer than Dr. Who's transport. High stars.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 693 days ago
cherry

Pamela,
I only made it through the first chapter, will try to return for more. Fascinating book. Love Violet and Tintin. Never thought I would pity rich people, but you describe the Kuwati women in such a way that it makes me overwhelmingly sorry for them. Just a marvelous, rich book with so much vivid detail. High stars.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 699 days ago
cherry

Oktober,
Great beginning. Super hook that compels one to read the book. After the first three chapters, here is my critique.
RCG Review
Pitch: Love the cover and both pitches. Not sure of the tense for chose. The only thing that bothered me was the premise of three past husbands and a trilogy of novels over which to pick the right one. If time allows I will come back to look at a later chapter and see how its going.
Plot: Cute opening, love the friendly older neighbors. Can't figure out how old Beth is, maybe you said in chapter one but when she woke much younger, and with three dead husbands, I wondered if she was older too. Each chapter has great hooks.
Pacing: Quick and delightful.
Spelling/Grammar: I'm terrible at these, but I didn't catch anything as I read
Dialogue: Amazed how little there was in the first two chapters. Like the stream of consciousness, inner narrator though. Ch. 3, dialogue very effective.
Voice/Style: Fresh breezy, easy to read.
Characterization: Good job on Beth. Gabriel was the expected name for the angel. Love all the angel's escorting the hero back to earth, glad to see you have a new twist on the old 40's movies. If everyone made it to heaven, guess that's where her choice will be made.
Excellent job. High stars and good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 702 days ago
cherry

Kelly,
Interesting beginning. After reading the first 3 chapters, here is my RCG review.
Cover - beautiful
Pitch - long and short were excellent.
Plot - Two men, one dark and handsome, one light and handsome - reminds me of the old gothic romances. I liked those.
Pacing - the storyline is developing fine, but the writing seems to include too many unimportant details. You also have a bad habit of her thinking something, then saying the same thing. if she thinks it don't have her say it or visa versa, and it should speed things up.
Spelling/Grammar - the British spelling got me, tyre for tire and pyjamas for pajamas, but I'm surely the only one. Not certain if the grammar I marked were errors, or again the differences in customary usage. Anyway, here they are.
Ch 1. omission - I his apartment building
Why are you sat here in the dark? sitting here
Ch.2 capitals -- my ancient fiesta - Fiesta
Ch. 3 redundant - I got up out of bed - I got up
word order - then he back turned to -- turned back to
her first visit for four years - in four years
Dialogue: Adequate. You need to punch it up to show her emotions, not try to tell us with adverb tags after she said. Often it seems meandering and repetitive. Tighten it up for more impact.
Voice/style: Adequate
Characterization: Good job on this. I liked Mum and Damien, the brothers were all introduced together so I don't have them sorted out yet. Dad was fine. Prefer Jamie, since he was so solicitous and helpful right away. Again, only met Justin but if none of the men in her family trust him, this should be enough to deter her. Glad you pointed out that this would only motivate her to see more of him.
Stevie seems very young to me, will need to read more.
Good luck on your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen view book

written 703 days ago
cherry

RCG review
Lovely cover. This is not my normal read, so consider the source and ignore any comments that seem off base. Much of what you wrote may be based on general knowledge in this genre, but not knowing the conventions, I wasn't always sure what you meant..
Pitch: Great short pitch. Long pitch still needs work. The last sentence in the first paragraph might be clearer if broken into two sentences.
Plot: She is being chased by demons (the bad guys) and she has been killed, maybe killed in the future, but will always be (incarnated not reincarnated) into a new body. Wasn't sure if she was a wolf and became human or what - but from what I understood in the first three chapters - she has to die in order to change from one form to another. Luckily she has a friend (lover?) Alex to help her in the war against the demons. So hopefully she and her allies will defeat the bad guys.
Pacing: Fine, it moved along well, chapters were short which I like, and each seemed to contain a single scene or event which kept them well focused.
Spelling/Grammar: I'm terrible at this but will try since I find it so helpful when others point to specific things. All I caught were occasional spelling or errors in tense.
Chapter 1 - saw no errors but at times some of it seemed repetitive.
Ch. 2: Oh you think yourself very luck -- very lucky
Startled, I span around -- spun around
features wearing a -- features wore a
Colourful lights - colorful lights (this might be American versus English spelling)
I got skills -- I've got skills
Dialogue: Read fine. Need to differentiate when it is spoken (use quotes) or thoughts (use italics).
Voice/Style: Very natural flow, easy to read
Characterization: Luna seemed unflappable and brave, great heroine material. Loved how she woke in her baggy skin and got ready to fight. Alex seemed to have potential. Your demon who was slain seemed very bad and I was happy to see him go straight to hell.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen

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written 703 days ago
cherry

Fatema,
An interesting story, a married woman and a man who pursues her offering frienship. At times it is not always clear what you are trying to say. The parts when you use dialogue are the best, especially chapter two. There is more movement in the story and it is easier to see the relationships being described in your sections with dialogue. I'm not sure you need your proloque. It seems to just be a summary of what you write in the other chapters. It is always better to show something happening and people talking, then to tell about them.
One thing you need to do is to watch your paragraphs. Each character should have his dialogue in a separate paragraph, the other persons response needs to be a new paragraph. I think this would help keep the story line clearer. Stars on your hard work.
Good luck in your writing,
Janet
Clarissa's Kitchen
The Milche Bride view book

written 704 days ago
cherry

Madison,
Great story. Plan to finish the rest. High stars after the first three chapters.
RCG
Cover -beautiful
Pitch - good short pitch. The long one can be tightened, especially the first paragraph's second sentence.
Plot - So far, not sure what the story line will be, other than naive girl pursues dangerous man. The questions about who and what Nick Smith is kept pulling me along.
Pacing - leisurely in these first three chapters, although the rescue from the cold was interesting.
Spelling/Grammar - good job.
ch.1 I focused my eyes and watched (redundant) - I'd omit and watched. Same sentence is followed by three fragments. Might rewrite it as two sentences. "I focused my eyes as a heavily bearded man emerged from the forest. Walking toward me, I noticed his height, broad shoulders, and muscular build.
In this chapter you say he is over six foot, I thought six one or two. In chapter two you say he is six-six. Big difference.
Dialogue - very effective, lots of silence, mystery, and interesting glances as well.
Voice/Style - readable and natural, nice descriptions .
Characterization - Wish she didn't seem so young and foolish. Not sure I believe an unarmed woman would hike up alone to see a man she and her friend suspect is a criminal. Plus, you mentioned the bears. Nick also seemed a little one-dimensional, all gruff and distant hunk. He is a dangerous man of mystery, but I'm impatient to see more. Although I do like the chaste kiss on the head. . Guess he's a football player hiding out, but not sure.
Too many questions not to read more. Keeping you on my list until then.
Janet
The Milche Bride
Clarissa's Kitchen
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