mdws77 recent comments

written 505 days ago
cherry

I have read through Chapter 6, and you have a very good book here. But you don't go into the main premise of the novel until the end of Chapter 5 when Lance gets mugged. You need to bring more into the earlier chapters. When Rain says, "I’m positive. The boy has powers.", in Chapter 1, you don't go into anything with that. Maybe expand on that, like, How does she know that?, or, What does she know?, What has she seen? Maybe have Lance overhear more of that conversation.
Overall, I saw no grammar, typo or spelling errors other than the one below. -- Very good.
Chapter 6:
"He kept thing that he was lucky to not only be alive, but that no one had witnessed the attempted mugging." -- I think you mean "thinking" instead of "thing". view book

written 513 days ago
cherry

After reading the first 2 chapters, I like you book very much and will be backing it down to the top 5, which you deserve. I didn't find any grammar or spelling issues and only have some comments on 2 things. Those things don't take away from the book, just a different opinion on them:

Chapter 1:
"The priest could have simply said “Even if you try and do good, sometimes bad things will still happen." -- that statement ("The road to hell are paved with good intentions.") means, "you do bad things even though you intend the results to be good".
Or the ends justifies the means. Not sure your explanation fits.
Chapter 2:
"William was just finishing his sophomore year at Herzing College, studying computers, when his father was forced to retire. " -- I am guessing that William is in his early 20's, but if father is retiring, then he would be late 60's. But explain a little more about their ages.

These aren't big things and don't take away from the greatness of you novel. Keep up the good work and see you at the top 5 soon. view book

written 518 days ago
cherry

Very good book you have here. Read the first chapter and it sounded very believable. I can see the struggles with your main character, Mel, and what must be going through her mind. The only typo/grammar issue I found is listed:

Chapter 1:
"The third person in the room still had made so sign of actually talking to me" -- I think "so" should be "no".

Very well done. Keep up the good work. view book

written 519 days ago
cherry

I read the first 2 chapters of this novel and love the way you tell this story. I found no grammar issues and only one rewrite that could help. I liked the way you had the detective get more information than just asking the questions by "accidently" leaving tape recorder and getting the woman's fingerprints on the water bottle. Very good. Worth 6 stars. Here is the only change I would make:

Chapter 1:
"call from his headquarters" -- you could probably remove "his" and it would sound better.

Keep up the great work. view book

written 523 days ago
cherry

After reading your first chapter and looking at the next two, I have to say you have the makings of a very good book. Your first chapter, while a little depressing, was very realistic. I wondered if what you described in that chapter came from real life experiences of yourself or someone you know. I notice that you don't get to the start of your story until the end of the second chapter. This could prove tough on your readers in keeping their attention. I would suggest editing the first chapter to either add something to catch and keep the reader's attention, or move the second chapter into the first. Then, if you feel the first chapter is necessary, you can refer to it later in a reflection chapter. Overall, very, very good and worth the 6 stars I gave you.
There was not many grammar issues except the following:
Chapter 1:
"Mother who remarried and was happy with her new husband and show-kids, you know, the whole straight teeth, blonde, blue-eyed, angelic darlings that stare at you from beneath a fringe of dark lashes." -- Suggest a period and new sentence after "show-kids".
Keep up the good work and I hope all goes well with your novel. view book

written 525 days ago
cherry

Read the second Autho chapter and found the following. You need to watch out for spelling issues. They take away from your work. Run this through a spell checker and find these simple errors.

"Amber stopped moving and slowly, deliberately, go to her feet." -- Should be "got" instead of "go".
"scanned the riom and settled on Amber." -- Should be "room" instead of "riom".
"pay for her miscellaneius expenses like graduation," -- Should be "miscellaneous" instead of "miscellaneius".
"Beaides being quite enigmatic" -- Should be "Besides" instead of "Beaides".
"One such theory to suppporr this theory is a recent account found in Glastonbury" -- Should be "support" instead of "suppporr".
"the evil students who saught to constantly" -- Should be "sought" instead of "saught".

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written 529 days ago
cherry

I like your novel very much and hope to read more later. For now, Chapter 1 was all I could read due to time constraints. Overall, you story flows well and you do a very good job of describing your characters. One thing to watch out for are the long sentences and long paragraphs. They seem to take away from the story. I hope this novel goes well for you.
Here are some grammar issues:
Chapter 1:
"-never" -- Starting your story with a dash, even in a quote, seems awkward. I would just go with "I've never".
"out of the ether; he" -- Not sure "ether" is the right word for here. Ether is a gas that can be used to make people unconscience. I would use "out of the heavens. He", or "out of the atmosphere. He". Notice you need to end the sentence there also.
"would allow, he had the ball" -- Period/new sentence after "allow".
"He was determined to not lose to a ten year old boy, he jumped at the home plate, sure he had Will." -- Period/new sentence after "boy". Also, I would reword "sure he had Will". I think you mean "knowing for sure that he had Will".

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written 529 days ago
cherry

From reading the first chapter, I find this story to be a very good start. You have a good ability to catch people's attention and keep it. I hope it goes well for you. Here are some grammar/spelling issues:

Chapter 1:
"vault was slightly must or that it smelled" -- should be "musty" instead of "must".
"fighting in battles fir truth and justice. " -- should be "for" instead of "fir"

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written 533 days ago
cherry

Read through the first chapter. This would make a good fiction, but you need to work on the grammar, especially in the first chapter. If your target is children, then be simple in your descriptions. Also, looking at other chapters, there seemed to be some very long paragraph. I would shorten those to 3 or 4 sentences each. You should look into shortening sentences also. Please use those commas and sentence ends more frequently. Given that, you have a very good book that I think can do well.
Here are some grammar issues I found.

Chapter 1:
"the short dagger he managed to" -- Need a comma after "dagger".
"A small flame stammered, its surge against death exposed dark flecks of dried blood on the knife; it was Dedo’s blood." -- I would think a period/new sentence after "stammered" and "knife" would be more effective.
"The fires remains cracked, bubbled and spluttered the last" -- I would think changing, "remains cracked, bubble" to "remains cracked. It bubbled" would be more effective.
"hour of power and in this hour his future" -- Changing to, "power. And in this hour, his future" would be more effective.
"One man, a man who for a short time had been like a father would decide." -- Need comma after, "father".
"The flame died releasing the fires light, allowing the trees to expand their final tendrils of dusk, hiding all, but the call, of the dark dwellers." -- More effective could be, "The flame died, releasing the fires light. This allowed the trees to expand their final tendrils of dusk. Hiding all, but the call, of the dark dwellers."
"Sat there like Peter Prefect at his first day of school, Chay’s arm was stuck in the air." -- Do you mean, "Perfect" instead of "Prefect"?
"There was nothing holding his arm, yet when" -- Period/new sentence after "arm".
"Chay huffed, being a school day he was pretty sure his mum" -- Need a comma after "day".
"overdosed on garlic, not something that would" -- Period/new sentence after "garlic".
"Chay who’d in the past wondered what his friends thought about the colour scheme of the lounge (and the rest of the house in fact) had never been so happy to see the carpet in his life." -- Too long of a sentence. Could be more effective as, "Chay had wondered what his friends thought about the colour scheme of the lounge and the rest of the house. For he had never been so happy in his life to see the carpet."
"The full potential of released energy was only stopped with a head but the back of his mum’s knees, just above her pink and white hoop socks." -- Not exactly sure what you mean with this sentence, but I assume that Chay's head hit the back of his mum's knees. Maybe this would be more effective: "The full potential of released energy was only stopped when his head hit the back of his mum’s knees, just above her pink and white hoop socks."
"Physics took another turn; gravity joined in, his mum toppled on top of him, along with the bowl of pancake mix." -- Period/new sentence after, "in".
"Only with a life saving Herculean push-up did he manage to throw her off with just enough time to roll out of the way before she crashed down to Earth with a pancake bowl facemask." -- Maybe more effective to say, "Only with a life saving Herculean push-up did he manage to throw her off. Then he rolled out of the way before she crashed down to Earth with a pancake bowl face mask."
"As it happened at that moment Chay was still attempting to get his breath back, he sensed" -- Period/new sentence after "back".
"The thought of his dad’s voice began to overcome the shock and certain curiosity began to take over." -- Period/new sentence after "shock".
"Swiss cheese plants leaves" -- "plants" needs to be "plant's"
"For reasons of safety, and it was safety alone, nothing to do with being anxious, Chay made like a commando and crawled out of the room on his elbows and knees, only standing up when he’d cleared the lounge door." -- Probably better if: "For reasons of safety, and it was safety alone. Nothing to do with being anxious. Chay made like a commando and crawled out of the room on his elbows and knees. Only standing up when he’d cleared the lounge door."
"Taking a deep breath Chay tumbled" -- Comma after "breath".
"Chay knew there was no conclusion “-‘till he found out a bit more” -- Change "conclusion - till" to conclusion. Till"
"first person to take a bite out of a Brussels sprout." -- Brussels should be Brussel's.
"He crabbed his legs under the sofa" -- Think you mean "grabbed" instead of "crabbed".

Thank you for the read. I hope you do well and good luck with your novel.
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written 538 days ago
cherry

I have read through the first autho chapter and found your book to be very commendable. The subject matter is strong and well needed in our society. Your interactions between the two characters are very good. Keeping the 6-stars that I rated it. However, there are several long and run-on sentences and grammar issues that need to be addressed in order to make this easier to read. Mostly you use commas or nothing when you should end the sentence and start a new one.
Here are just some grammar/spelling issues that I found:
Chapter 1:
"Rich had recruitment appointments but had got up early to do some domestic errands like dropping off a library book and calling in at the bank." -- comma after "appointments" and "errands"
"He looked along the High Street after withdrawing some cash from the cash point." -- If High Street is a name, then remove "the" before.
"There wasn't much activity, the town had seen more affluent times" -- comma after activity should be period and new sentence.
"He disliked the college pressures and farming attitude to teaching, but loved the difference he could make in young people's lives." -- I am not sure what you are saying in this sentence. Does he dislike college pressures all the way through teaching? Or does he like teaching, but dislikes college pressures and farming attitude? A rewording would help straighten that out.
"the back-streets in the direction of the library" -- Not sure "back-streets" needs a hyphen.
"As he walked past a disreputable Jewellery shop, he was suddenly surprised by a scruffy blond-haired young man emerging from some discarded boxes, that appeared to be built into a barricade across the entrance." -- don't need the comma after "boxes".
"Rich and the young man made eye contact, but only as Rich expected to be mugged and was trying to establish what the next move would be." -- Comma after "contact" should be period and new sentence.
"To his surprise the young man" -- need a comma after "surprise".
"They both rose and sat on the jewellers step, it was an unusual place for an interview but sometimes Rich had to be dynamic, reacting to situations as they presented themselves." -- need period and new sentence after "step" and "dynamic". Need a comma after "interview".
"they haven't had a robbery since I come here" -- I think "come" should be "came", but it may be street talk to keep it, you decide.
"people nag you to 'sort yourself out',”he hung his head as he spoke, he appeared to be disappointed with himself" -- Should have period and new sentences after "out'" and "spoke".
"it depends what you want." -- should have comma after "depends".
"but I cant make empty promises, this town's seen enough of those, when the pit and the steelworks closed.” -- "cant" should be "can't", period and new sentence after "promises", remove comma after "those".
"faint brogue in his voice which was left over from his childhood in Glasgow" -- I would use "accent" instead of "brogue".
"This complimented his chiselled chin and polished teeth, by most standards good-looking, he casually dressed, and had a small stud in his ear." -- Need period and new sentences after "teeth" and "looking". Don't need the comma after "dressed".
"He felt Juan's demeanour indicated that he'd started to drop his trust barrier, he felt the unlucky youth was starting to see he could be trustworthy." -- change comma after "barrier" to period and new sentence.
"Juan looked back at his cardboard and looked around at the street he called home, people were starting to move around and open shops, one café owner was putting out his chairs and tables, it was too cold to sit in the street but it was the best advert the owner could think of." -- Need period and new sentences after "home", "shops", and "tables". Need comma after "sit in the street".
"looked at Rich, it seemed he wasn't sure if he " -- Period and new sentence after "Rich".
"top of the flat-roof, this was under a flimsy lean-to, the perfect place" -- Period and new sentences after "roof" and "lean-to".
"supermarket café, it was warm" -- Period and new sentences after "cafe".
"The twenty year old had suffered violent abuse, been neglected and thrown out from the home he shared with what he described as his 'alcoholic mum' and 'obnoxious, intimidating' step-father." -- Change "abuse, been" to "abuse. He had been"
Let Battle Commence!” Rich uttered as a battle cry, -- I think you mean, "Let the battle commence"

I hope this helps and thank you again for your support. Keep up the good work on this novel. view book

written 539 days ago
cherry

I have read the first 3 chapters of your book and can tell from chapter 1, that you know Star Trek. I say that because there are a whole lot of similarities to Star Trek episodes and technologies. In fact, I would be concerned about it getting past copyright issues because of those similarities. The nebula battle and wormhole travel is from Next Generation, Voyager and Deep Space Nine. The enemy aliens seem very similar to ones from Star Trek: Enterprise. I would reword a lot of the first chapter to prevent this.
Overall, the book is very good and I hope you continue with it after editing. Here are some spelling/grammar issue:
Chapter 2:
"Find the dwarves, I need to them to prep the mortars." -- Too many "to"s.
Chapter 3:
"The entire of city of Merica is counting on you." -- Too many "of"s.

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written 547 days ago
cherry

You asked me to comment on Chapter 7 of your book. I finished reading it and found it to be good overall. Since I don't know the rest of the story and it is not my genre, I can't comment much on the flow or content of the story. The only thing I can say on the grammar is that you might want to look at shortening some sentences. You have some that are pretty long, making it harder for a reader to follow.
Also, the sentence with, "all essential information that was necessary for humankind" can lose the "that was". I think that, "all essential information necessary for humankind" sounds better. view book

written 561 days ago
cherry

After reading your novel completely, I have a few questions that seems to take away from the story:

If ships come out of brane and are seen at the 10 minute light minute mark, it would take 30 minutes at 1/3 light speed to reach the enemy. Wouldn't that give them plenty of time to prepare for the We attack showed to the Humans in the first few chapters?

How come the Earth fleet, and all other races, didn't use Hydrakon's new tactic (of jumping in and out of brane) during the major battle in chapter 35? The Collectors would not have known about it and it seemed very effective with no defense against it.

If the Makers were able to easily replenish every race with their basic compliment of ships after the attack, why couldn't they provide a large enough fleet prior to conduct a major offensive first?


While I like your book very much, and will keep it at 6 stars, I feel that it would be hard for an average reader to keep their attention. There is way too much detail about ships, plantetary defenses and armaments. While this information would be good parameter information for the Computer Graphic Programmers working on this as a movie, the average readers would get disinterested very quickly. I noticed you have a lot of Physics background, but it seems you also know a little about military tactical summary reports. That how it reads at some points, especially during the battles. Make your battles more personal, not technical. Instead of saying that several thousand offensive weapons were fired, have scenes where people in a ship valiantly fight against it with it's defensive weapons but end up sacrificing themselves for other ships. Since we wouldn't know what each weapon can really do, saying how many were fired really doesn't mean much to the overall story. Just as I have the same problem with my book, I have learned to remove the details as much as I could and have more personal interaction.

About referring to your characters in the second part of your book as Hydrakon father and Hydrakon son seems a little impersonal. I understand not saying Hyrdakon's father or Hydrakon's son since you are using them as the way to distinguish who is who, but why not call the main character by his name or rank, and then when his father talks, refer to him as Commander Hydrakon's father said?
Still, since I do have a science and military background, I did enjoy the story overall. Thanks for the story and keep up the good work.

Here is one typo I found:

Chapter 38:
"I will have to our representatives to the SBIOCC raise the suggestion at the next meeting." -- I think you mean, "I will have our representatives for the"

Good luck and good job. view book

written 566 days ago
cherry

I think I already did comment on your Flight of the Hive novel in the past. I did like it a lot, but it was a little hard to get past the alien POV parts. Although, it is an alien, and it would be hard for humans to understand a complete alien POV. In that case, you did a very good job view book

written 627 days ago
cherry

Very good premise. I have highly rated and added to my watchlist. view book

written 666 days ago
cherry

Just finished reading all the chapters that you have listed. I think you novel so far is very, very good. Gave you six stars. You have an unique way of taking the Judges listed in the Bible and put them into a very facinating story. I hope you can add more chapters soon. Please let me know when you do.
Here are some grammar issues to fix:
Chapter 2:
" "She went thorough memorized maps of the city through her mind as she ran, " -- I think you mean "through", not "thorough". Also, you may need to rewrite this sentence altogether because it uses "through" too many times.
"She misremembered the layout of the city" -- While "misremembered" is a work, "She didn't correctly remember", may sound better .
"twisting and turning as he manipulated his enemy into intricate moves. " -- A little unclear what you mean here. It looks like the enemy made the inticate moves, but that doesn't make sense.
Chapter 3:
"Eli was some shorter than Daniel" -- Think you mean, "somewhat" rather than "some".
Chapter 4:
"Samuel of coarse was beaming with excitement." -- Think you mean, "course" instead of "coarse".

Overall a great story that I will be watching. Hope you can check out my novel. view book

written 676 days ago
cherry

Becca, just glanced at the first chapter and a half, I like the way you write. You have a fluidity that is unmatched by most. I hope to keep reading soon. view book

written 698 days ago
cherry

Sharda, I read the first chapter of your book after our conversations in the forums and I have 6-starred your novel. I hope it continues to do VERY WELL. I found no grammar or spelling errors, looks like you have already taken care of that. All I can do is comment on the effect of that chapter. Very good transition you start out with going to the POV of one character (Tara) as she dies, then smoothly continue with the story. It will be interesting what you do with the guilt that Don will feel for not having the gun in the right place because he was playing with it. I don't know if that will be important to the rest of your story (I assume it will be since it is a primary focus in this chapter), but it does get you to want to read more. Very well done, you have caught the attention of your reader and have motivated them to read more. The usually stick to Sci-Fi, but I may read more. I will let you know if I do. Hope this helps and you will deserve to be in the Top 5. view book

written 700 days ago
cherry

Paul, I have read your recent chapters and like what you are doing with the aliens. I don't know how far into the book Chapter 17 and 18 are, but can you introduce the aliens earlier in the book and what their purpose is? You mention them in some spots, but not to this detail. Maybe go into an alternate timeline where Jaysan deals with them. view book

written 701 days ago
cherry

SF42
I just finished reading your entire book and like it very much. Highly rated your book. Here are some comments that could make it even better:
Your first chapter is a little bit too much like a tech manual. You start out great, but get into too many definitions too early in the story. You have an excellent Addendix at the end of your book, maybe you should just refer people to that rather than give the definitions in both places.
Earth Abandonment: When I started reading your book, I assumed that Earth was no longer habitable and would soon be destroyed. But that didn't seem to be the case in later chapters when Addie and Irv crash land on Earth. We find out there is people there and they can breath the atmosphere. That makes me question why humanity would abandon Earth when they could just build biohedrons on Earth instead. That way the planet recovers without human intervention also. Your Health care as a right reason didn't seem to work for why to abandon Earth. If there was something like Earth was going to be destroyed. Or living on Earth, even in Biohedrons, would cause humanity to die out. Then I could see a reason to go to Mars. You might need to work on that.
Also, watch out for the run-on sentences. If you wouldn't talk that way you shouldn't write that way. You have several sentences throughout the book that are very long. Some I couldn't even say in one breath. Please look at shortening them.

Here are some grammar/spelling issues:
Chapter 1: "Harvey presses his head to the small porthole camera and on the screen in the central communications hub his face looms large, distorted through the space helmet’s thick curve of gold particle shielding. ". -- seems a little long. Look at breaking up the sentence.
"repeat of Earth Abandonment* happen on Mars". -- should Abandonment have the "*"?
Chapter 3: "He starts momentarily at the sight of Cal.". -- do you mean, "He is startled momentarily at the sight of Cal"?
Chapter 4: "somewhere you can get to easily but without arousing suspicion". -- think you mean, "get to it easily"
A few issues here: 1. Marnie gives Emerald the code to enact the new identity, but not the response if there is problems. 2. Marnie gives her the antique, but doesn't take any payments. If Perrin is monitoring her, then that would stand out I would think.
Chapter 5: "The Company are really throwing" -- Do you mean, "Company is really"?
Chapter 7: "to monitor the planet and to see if could regenerate" -- I think you are missing an "it" after the "if".

Was the reason of earth's abandonment because of plague?

Chapter 8: "This was signal was picked up by the radio transmitters" -- Should this be, "This signal was"?
Chapter 9: "The baldness of the statement somehow shocks" -- I think you mean "boldness" instead of "baldness".
"way through thre living quarters of the ISELP" -- I think you mean "the" instead of "thre".
"We are dead already, Noona and we need allies" -- I think you mean, "We are dead already, Noona, and we need allies".
Chapter 10: "stops worlking on the bank of wires" -- Should be "working", not "worlking".
"trip, then this is for my fellow crew members (Noona, Dougal, Addie and Irv), to remind them of me. ". - if Dougal is the one sending the present, then his name shouldn't be here.

Very good story overall. Work on smoothing out Chapter 1 and the reason for Earth abandonment a little better. Remember, people will not leave Earth unless there is a very compelling reason to do so, especially to Mars.

Your book still has great potential and I wish the very best for you.
By the way: I like what you did with your name in the book as a Twenty-first century group.

Mark Scull
Solian Chronicles: Pluto Genesis

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