You write very well; not everyone can do first person so smoothly. Barbra is obviously a teenager as her mental observations shows us this.The shift to Erica's story is perfectly timed. The hint of super powers is subtle ,Now we have a hint of where the injuries came from at the beginning of the story.Ch 2 second time you've used gorgeous...has Erica only one word to describe guys she likes? Riff jokes he's gorgeous? That word again.Great end to the chapter,,, means I'll have to read moreBest wishesCas view book
CHIRGCh9 Jack's a traitor? This story is getting more complicated what with the treasure seekers and the man with the moustache.Ch13 how did Jack know the treasure seekers hadn't given up? Very funny nightmare ...Ch14 people don't say 'brain- storming' now as it's what happens with epileptic fits could say 'juggling ideas'Ch17 is smoking good to mention in a children's book? And with out saying it makes you ill...Couldn't they search the area at night as they did with the Abbey?Ch21 brave and clever Amy..Ch24 I'm glad Jack didn't get anything for being a sneak.Five starsBest wishesCas view book
These are lovely stories and I'm sure they'll become favourites with lots of children .Ch4 in the paragraph beginning This elephant is not one of Tonto's friends - ... But he's about the same size... Should be 'he was'Five starsCas view book
A lovely read. Full of mystery, life, loving and death. Being witten in diary form seems just right. Writing like this is a pleasure to read. I only found one nitpick:Ch7 ... that he 'had' not come by to collect.Five stars for now Cas view book
Vivid description of both Penny and the scene at the beginning of the first chapter. Your writing is powerful as you paint Penny's desperate effort/hope to leave.Her speech made me think it being said with an American drawl - again... very vivid.The attention to detail continues in the following chapters. Now for a nitpick... There's too many' tears'. A word repeated too often looses its power...Five starsbest of luck with thisCas view book
CHIRGCh1 this is a fun read. Poor Eric, his life has really gone down hill since his new brother arrived home. So many weird characters and strange happenings-- a bit like Allison in Wonderland and yet with elements of reality. 1st paragraph 'violet' is a bright blue and a baby wouldn't be any where near that colour unless it was about to die of suffocation. (When I first read it I thought it was a toy) I've read all that's posted...you've planted lots of clues of the dark goings on... Very well done. I've given five stars for the great ideas, characters and wonderful plotting.CasThe Wind MakerSeed Stories view book
In long pitch ...he was living along..a lone? Ch1 nice child's voice, but why's he in school? Does he love learning, or did his mother make him believe he had to go or is it part of his cover? Mmm. Lots of questions. Maybe I'll read another chapter.Ch2 but they though she was my cousin... thought This story is captivating, but most of the time George doesn't sound nine--twelve or thirteen may be. best of luck with thisCas MeadowfieldThe Wind Maker view book
CHIRGLovely long and short pitches, really made me want to read the book.Ch1 you pack a lot of information into this: both of the place and the characters but it flows beautifully. One thing-- in the pitch you say three children but in Ch1 there's just two. Oh. He arrives in ch3.Ch3 "Hey Jack?" She looked at Jack and said... Second 'Jack' should be 'him'Ch4 jessie some times sounds young and some times older so I can't get a clear picture of her. The other two children are more consistent.Ch5 very interesting--who are the two men?Ch6 a puzzle to solve.Ch7 UFOs or ghostsa very enjoyable book and I'll try to read more laterBest wishesCas view book
JoshCh1 you write very well and there's plenty here to drew the reader in-- but I almost didn't read past the first sentence: as it's speech it should be have speech marks.The paragraph 'She shouldn't have' has too many 'trees'The meeting of Kyra and the shade is scary- loved the 'long pointy claws' and the description of the dragon -especially the horn eyebrows .Ch2 'his right and near her' needs a 'h'A cliff-hanger of an ending.good luck with thishigh starsCasThe Wind Maker view book
Loved 'Sparkler' -- why did you cut him out of the story? What makes the three children special?He has had pendant he made and infused with magic from him. Needs 'stolen 'Mandosa is a great baddy...Ch6 you need to tell us how the water elementals rescued them.Cas Meadowfield The Wind Maker view book
FCCGa return read An Ill WindThe writing flows well and the scene's vivid. Couldn't see any punctuation or grammar errors. 3rd and 4th paragraph...is she agreeing to her own statement?You mention four people, but no one else... Surely the docks would be busy. Also how many ships are there, or do they pass?The meeting with Mr Van Echen works well: both moving the story foreword and developing character.A strong ending Cas view book
CHIRGLoved the humour, made me laugh .A strange, conversational style of writing-- even stranger that it works.Very well written,: I didn't spot any errors... Good luck with this view book
Liked the flow of words and the dark humour. By the time I realize I'm reading ch4 and I've got goose bumps. Your story has sucked me in. Ch1 Emo what's this?Read to ch20... A great read. The writing is very good and the scenes are vividly drawn. Not having read to the end I don't know how skilful you are with structure... But at times I don't feel the story is moving forward... I think it needs a stronger sense of moving to a goal, just hints though!Five stars; very well doneCasThe Wind Maker view book
FCCGThis first chapter has a lot of energy as Arthur tries to avoid the two bullies .Vividly written, with metaphors and similes 'cerulean ribbons' and 'spilling out like a massive swarm of locusts'. the senses of touch and smell draw us in. in the paragraph beginning "Are you alright?... Should 'his sister' be 'her' ?Is Arthur's sister older or a twin?Good hook, made me want to read more..Your long pitch is wonderful...Ch2 Arthur swatted her ...come back. I want old my family. Should this be 'my old' ?Ch3 'the chains went taught' should be 'taut' Audelia crawled around vase... needs 'the'This is good and I'll read more laterCasThe Wind Maker view book
CHIRGA lovely story that's full of imagination and wonder. The villain, Arc, adds tension as we learn about the world you have made.Beautifully written and well paced.Five starsCasThe Wind Maker view book
A very dark tale indeed.Very well written and atmospheric small crit: the chapters are too long. Best wisesCasThe Wind Maker view book
Mysterious DreamThis beautifully described story flows strangely at first, the disjointed paragraphs only become joined with the last, 'these dreams tell us of the future'.As A ChildMade me smile as I too played with Lego and dressed up..Bedroom windowLoved the rhymes Like people walking on rivers of redAnd children playing on a floating bedGym DayA fun Romantic fantasy ..The CottageThis reminded me of an old fable, but still a good story.How does a coal fire move? A description would help and does she set anything on fire?CasSeed Stories view book
CHIRGThe writing flows nicely.Needs more dialogue :too much telling not enough showing; or make it a monologue/ first person viewpoint . The chapters are too long.in your pitch you say the MC is fifteen but in chapter2 she's described as fourteen... search fourteen and you'll find itCas view book
FCCG CHIRGLiked the way the Captain speaks. Ch1 Good hook at the end of the chapter . I can imagine children giggling at the mischievous pixie and at the name of Greenbottom. Nitpicks: the paragraph beginning 'He then begins to spin...' I think could be written out more fully--as a story rather than reported speech. Don't think the quotes that starts the chapters works: vry distracting. The writing has a lovely friendly feeling to itThis story grows the further I read.(Extra) loved ch3 Ch4 ...without bother to look up. bothering?How did Cat get home if she's blind? Ch5' the little girl' made me cringe. Most eleven year olds would kill the person who calls them 'little'! (it's used as an insult) ch12 great chapter.good luck with getting this published i would love to read it allCasThe Wind Maker view book
Tide and Time at The RockA very absorbing book Ch1 new line before 'As Rich spoke...' as this is a different view pointA year had passed... Delete 'had' so the first clause matches the second in tense (past continuous)The sentence starting ... There was a single bunched'... Is too long and needs to be broken into two or three.Ch2 Final Destination, is a series of horror films where 'final destination' is death...The collage partners sound horrible...'The Youth worker' who's this? Is it Rich?I hope my notes help you get this publishedhigh starsbest wishesCas The Wind Maker view book