Thank you, I appreciate constructive criticism and welcome it always. I actually have started changing the novel completely. I removed the opening about "the rebel" (although I'd like to fit that in somewhere later on) but I really wasn't happy with that version, I thought it was terrible : )

David,
Your pitch drew me in and although i haven't read the whole story yet, I thought i'd comment as i go. I'm not a professional editor and you may choose to ignore me, which is fine :).
In the Prelude, you did a great job at getting the reader into the rebel's mind, great imagery and good English proficiency, however, it can be improved.
"He glimpsed the night vision goggle covered faces of the enemy soldiers in the shifty, dancing light from the roaring blaze." Move the comma from (shifty,) to (soldiers,).
"He never thought he would live, to see the day he would die."
Yes, the sentence is a bit strange, but if you're going to keep it in, remove the comma from live, it breaks up the thought.
"running a hand threw (through) his short, dark brown hair..."
I hope this helps, it's a good read.
best,
Maria
Dark of the Moon

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People have agreed with me when I said the novel starts out slow, so to rectify that, I took someone's advice and as the prelude, used a part from near the end and kind of wrote the book as a flashback, although the flashback is not that of the lead character. Someone reading the book may assume it's him I'm writing about in the prelude but it isn't, i've decided he doesn't die and at the end American fighter jets come to their aid at the last minute when they are under an all out attack. Part of the point of the prelude though is that, life seems so long until your dying, and I, myself, can't imagine being there, or going through death even though I will. So the last line is "He never thought he would live, to see the day he would die." cause I don't think anyone does. We all know we are going to die but I always take days for granted and see death as something I won't be there to see lol, but I will be there and experience it! It's scary actually. It unknown....anyway, someone else said that they don't believe 2 people that messed up would have gelled right away. Well, I was badly messed up earlier in life, but I met a girl who was equally messed up and at 1st site we fell in love and stayed in love for a long time until I realized she would never get better and I left her. It's true, the 2 would argue (like we did) so I appreciate your comment because I altered it slightly so that Lennon tries to help Aliena and she abandon's him(for a short time) for it. I agree, I need the novel to show them grow, not that they meet and everythings wonderful. You are correct about that and I reaized reading it that, it kind of comes off like they meet and everything's good. My intent is that yes, they love each other immediately, but grow and change over a period of time....I much prefer writing about war and battles, fighting (esp. the middle ages and antiquity) but in this book I wanted to show 2 people that the world viewed as "bad" and how they effect each other positively and in reality they are "good" . Then show them accomplish things no one ever believed they would. In Lennon's case it's extreme but as I said, I like writing about fighting, I think it's exciting. I prefer to write about battle before technology took the skill out of it, so in this book, lennon doesn't have the technology, though his enemy does and I must account for that and I'm sure I've bended reality a bit in the way he evades modern military technology but it is fiction : ) view book

Excellent! Awesome plot, I love it man! view book

Hello! I found your book and have begun reading it. I have placed it on my book shelf also view book

:) I will comment on your book as soon as I have read it :) - let me know. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. I have gold ******-rated your book because of, "an opportunity no one ever expected her to get." Read & commented on 8 hours later. :)

Hi, I will, How do I find it? I'm new on this site so I don't know how to find your book. Tell me how and I will gold rate it. I took French in school but I speak Spanish better living in southern California : ) Oh, and they never steal a school bus because they don't need to but haven't gotten that far yet! Thank you view book