Splendid opening chapter - and odd pathos from Lucifer at the end - perhaps we are all the fallen angel? A terrific moment when God shows sympathy for the children of the 70s!

P

You might be on to something there, re/lucifer :) He is one of my fave characters to write about. Excellent perspective, I think. Thank you so much for taking the time to read !

Annastacia view book

Well, as so often happens, I’m the contrary view. Here’s the problem, as I see it: It’s mostly told as a synopsis.

You spend the first 938 words personally talking to the audience, giving them background. ''

This being my first draft, I expect I will need to tighten here and there - in some places more dramatically than others, but my only concern with what you have said is that - this is meant to be an introduction. And in my head, it was meant to be narrated, which would explain the voice you refer to.

'' And when you say, “The young ones wore headbands and leotards and something called leg-warmers,” you really mean in your neighborhood, because that’s not the style for the majority of humanity today.''

The beginning of the book is set in 1983 - hence the leotards and leg-warmers.

''In other words, in the story nothing is happening because the only one on stage is the narrator, and the narrator isn’t a character in the story. ''

No, that is because the narrator doesn't need to be someone in the story. The narrator narrates. It has crossed my mind to actually write it from the POV of someone attending the meeting, thus giving the narrator a face and such. Haven't decided yet. I like narrators though - that might be a problem, and I'm willing to tweak if it is actually a problem.

''Ask yourself why the reader needs to know all that?''

Because I'm setting a scene. I am illustrating through narration why God is dissatisfied, and the happenings that follow. Cause and effect.

''Another problem is that when you read that introduction you can hear your voice. You can see your expression change, and your hands as they gesture, to add emotion. You know where emphasis is added and where you hesitate and give a little shrug. You should, it’s your script. But does the reader who’s forced to guess at how you would read it? Probably not.''

This one confuses me. You say you can hear the voice (you assume its my voice, that may not be true) and I did intend for the personality of the narrator to come through. You are telling me those little gestures are coming through, but also that you were forced to guess at how I would read it? Or rather.. I guess, how the narrator would. If its coming through, I don't get where the force is coming from? I need more info here, please.

''And even when you talk about events in the conference room you’re still center stage, summing things up and adding personal comment. But it’s God who’s the protagonist. Shouldn’t he be center stage? Shouldn’t he be making the decisions and evaluating the crowd response?''

I concede this one, once the meeting gets underway, God is meant to be doing more of the emoting - but there will still be some narration, because this is still an introduction. I think I do need to fix this bit, make it flow better. There are points when the narration is necessary, such as when God leaves the room.

- - - - - - - - - - -

My question is now - have you read beyond the meeting? Because the introduction and narration ends with the end of the meeting, and the voice you are picking up on should disappear. Id really like to know what you think of the rest of the chapters, having no narration in them. That would be the true test. I say this, because I intended for this first bit, the meeting, to have the narration you are not enjoying. And if that is a problem, I am willing to work on that, because - if I burn people at the beginning, they wont read until the end. Which may have just happened with you. But I can fix that..I can change that narration easily, to match the rest of the book.

As ever, I'm here to learn. I'm not sure this manuscript is so intolerable that I need to go read more books on professional writing - I have read some, and I have done some creative writing workshops. I also read extensively, which is where a lot of the introduction comes from. I've been influenced greatly by authors like Doug Adams - who I feel used the same sort of narration occasionally. I've never read his work and felt his voice was getting in the way, but maybe I just liked his voice. Could be.

Thank you very much, though, for reading my story thus far. And for taking the time to critique it so deeply. It would be really helpful if you could tell me your thoughts on the rest of the chapters, but I understand if you don't have the time or desire.

cheers,
Annastacia

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I've just read the snippet you kindly sent to me, and even though romance really isnt my sort of thing normally - I have to say that what little you sent me was enough to make me smile. You are a gifted lady, and I think I might actually take a crack at reading this :) Thanks for sending!

Anna
Innocent view book

Amusing and imaginative.

I liked the opening but wondered if a bit more biblical weight in the first paragraph would create a greater humorous contrast with the modern elements that come hot on its heels?

Another thought – I got to the end of chapter 6 and there was still no mention of Cate, who appears to be your lead character. Currently, from what I have read, the leads come across as God, Lucifer, Imogen and Cealan. Would it be sensible (and hook the reader in) to introduce some images of Cate in the earlier chapters?

I noted the odd typo like “sohose who remained aware” in chapter 1.

I hope the above musings are helpful.

J.S.Watts
A Darker Moon

Your musings are helpful! Yes, Cate seems to be a missing person at this point, I think because this is all before she comes unto the scene, this is more an introduction - and yes, Im well aware that maybe I need to bring her in a bit sooner, or else I need to rewrite my synopsis - my brain is churning about this currently, and I should have it figured out pretty soon. Its just all really important stuff in this intro, without which we would have a Cate without any reason for being and Id have to retrospect said reason for being. Which might not be smooth. Might be blah. We shall see!
Also the edited version should be up in a couple of days - so that should fix the horrid spelling mistakes, blerrgh...

Again, thank you - this really helps :)

Anna view book

...I'd normally 4read a Chapter, type comments and then move onto the next chapter, but fr me this was a moment for first impressions. I like the impact your trying to make but would go biblical on this - god looked down on his creation and he was not happy..... then perhaps break this down to.. and in the seas.. and in the forests.... and in the air... leave mankind out until the very end then dump the blame on us. Then that final line and god decided to call a meeting and he did.. make that the end of Chapter 1...

I like this idea, and Im going to play with it. The beginning was probably the hardest thing for me, and its already gone through a few transformations. There is a part of me which really enjoys the irony that it's in a human hotel - I should explain the reason for this. Chapter 1 is lead by God's whims. My idea of God is this witty, slightly childish, easily hurt and painfully cutting creature who has..well, whims. One of his whims is that he enjoys dressing up like a human, playing the scene out as humans would. Thats why it's in the hotel, so Im unsure if I can really take that aspect out, its too important to the character of God (and will be important in later books). But I like the idea of taking it into the biblical, adding that familiar drama. Thanks for that :)

...' Why 1983? - presume I'll discover later an careful with the population numbers, you may distract perfectionists who google and find the world population in 1983 - but you're right.'...

I did google, and Ill try to make sure the numbers add up - I dont want the wrath of the perfectionists lol. That is one of the things I will make sure is 100% right in the final mss. But why 1983? Hrmm. I dont know if I can answer that. Its just always started in 1983..maybe it has some importance to me that Im not aware of, I was 4 at the time in real life..maybe something happened when I was 4..I dunno! At the moment..it is relevant because..its just always been 1983 :)


...'The rest of this Chapter is equally as important looking back as that opening. You're taking on a very powerful subject here; some would even refuse to read it, but other will be drawn in with it's premise. For me that meeting did not work because it was on earth in a Manchester hotel - I felt cheated somehow. God's concerns understood, and mankinds role again understood, and the appearance of lucifer was excellent, and his questioning of God's judgement. All I liked. But holding this on earth I felt took away the impact I was expecting - could this be in purgatory? There would then be the souls awaiting judgment to join them. '...

This is something that gives me a buzz as much as buzzkill. I know that because of the content of the book - and trust me, it gets more powerful as it goes along.. - there will be a great majority of folk who will simply refuse to even touch the thing. It happened to Dan Brown... its happened to so many. But this is also a huge advertisement, for all those fellows who specifically read books that get banned, who hoist it up gladly and pronounce themselves heathens..or really just open minded, original thinkers. So..it could be very messy. It could be messy in a good way. This is life..man, what a ride. Again, Im sorry you're disappointed with the location of the scene, I would only hope the writing itself would be strong enough to push you to read on despite this :)

...'Ok enough. Chapter 2 and much better. We've a debate between God and lucifer, that works, and God forbid, Lucifer is his son! This has a neat intellectual tweak to it - he must have come from somewhere and would be a creation of god who made everything.'...

Lucifer..in my opinion, is one of the best characters in the story. He is the morning star, the fallen, the most beautiful angel in Heaven who pushes God's buttons. A lot of people liken him to Satan, twist the two into the same being..but not in my book :) Wait and see. I really..really enjoy writing from his perspective.

...'I've read all 6 Chapters and have no serious issues with the writing that normal editing wont tighten. There's some neat humour here and certainly an intellectual pull based on the subject matter with an excellent story with real promise. It's the format you've used to present it that didn't quite make it work for me. Step away from the earth for this debate over the future of mankind is my advice and that would not take much re writing. Do not change anything unless you've heard from others though and are certain. I'll give this some shelf time for the story. Best. Steve.'...

Steve, you jewel. You really worked hard for me. This wasn't your cup of tea, and you threw your neck back and took it anyway, I'm seriously proud. I have LOVED reading this critique, thank you so much for your honesty and for your really creative suggestions. As I always say, I'm not here to have my head patted - I'm here to grow, to learn, and to make my book as strong as it can be by feeding it with what I graze on here. You help make that possible :) I will be putting up more chapters soon..what I've put down here is 11k - I've got 55k written currently, and I want to edit those chapters slightly before putting them up. But I hope that what you've read just now might inspire you to try the rest of Innocent on, if only to find out what happens :) Thanks again!

Annastacia view book

*ffffwwwwup*

is the sound of this book manifesting on my bookshelf. It is also the sound of being smacked in the face by a cat's paw, but that isnt important right now. Sir, I like your book. I have backed it's goodness. I look forward to reading it in the days to come - and potentially owning it's colourfulness.

Anna
'Innocent' view book

Hi Ariel,

This..is so deep! To be honest, I find it almost too mind dazzling, but I dont think one is meant to read this lightly. To understand - and to benefit, I feel the need to stop and digest, process.. but at this stage all I can say is, wow, what an experience. I will eventually finish it - and once I have, Ill be able to review you better. Thanks for pushing it my way :)
Anna view book

Thank you for your support, Liz :)

Imaginative and talented writing. Backed.

Liz
The Cheech Room

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