Avatar for Richard Maitland

Richard Maitland

rank: 615

Last week's position: 604

first registered 27.08.09

last online online

report abuse
about me

Multi-talented sex god and bringer of joy.

My only failing: a lifelong (and inexplicable) inability to tear along perforations. Every stamp, every tax disc, has been mutilated beyond the possibility of usage.

Over the past thirty-odd years--spent mainly wrestling with words--I've worked briefly for a large publishing house, been a columnist of one national magazine; a contributor to and former consultant editor of another, and I'm the author of two published books and a large number of articles. (Richard Maitland is a pen name).

I'm found most often these days on the "If I were an agent, I'd stop reading..." thread where we review the openings of books. Please be aware that when I review a submission or a book I always give my honest opinion, and I don't mince my words. If this makes me the Simon Cowell of the Authonomy site, then feel free to boo.

Right, 'nuff about me. A bit about the books:

THE SEX STONE OF AGASSIA is seasoned with a soupçon of magical realism, peopled by unrealistic characters, and has a credibility-stretched plot. The inordinate length of the book is deliberate, and the story arc is second only to the Sydney Harbour Bridge in the width of its span.

It's not a linear tale. The chapters move back and forth in time to keep the reader baffled as to the significance of the various episodes. The story's seen, to a large extent, from the perspective of minor characters, each one of whom is the centre point of his own world, and thus behaves accordingly. And it's this behaviour that creates the story. Cause and effect.

The Sex Stone of Agassia is composed of several discrete strands -- some farcical, some tragic -- which occasionally cross over each other. When they do, another link in a long chain of misinterpretation and serendipitous causality is irrevocably forged.


THE ANNALS OF "SCRIBES" is the transcript of a Forum thread that spontaneously arose and ran for six months in 2011.

Posts are reproduced almost wholly in chronological order, adjusted only where necessary to provide clarity when the "Reply With Quote" function failed temporarily. Some slight editing to a few posts was necessary for the same reason.

Authonomites posted as themselves, with the exception of Ferret and Ariom Dahl, who adopted their avatar personas of Queen Victoria and Lucrezia Borgia respectively. As well as my own contributions I also posted through a borrowed account as Sir Perceval. There were a few posts by be-Socked persons.

Thanks are due to everyone who contributed to the thread (even the Socks and Trolls – nothing is ever wasted), but particular appreciation must be paid to Norton Stone, whose flights of surreal fancy had the Editor weeping with laughter on several occasions, and kept poor, beleaguered Sir Richard constantly on his toes.

favourite books

The Young Visiters (sic) -- Daisy Ashford
Night of the Earwig -- Robert de Graauw

my websites


HarperCollins is not responsible for the content of external internet sites.

my books


Richard Maitland

There's a Blue Stone guaranteed to make its owner sexually irresistible. Unfortunately, it's in Iraq. It's 1991. And there's a war on.

Can sex-starved Detective Inspector Marigold Bateman discover the Blue Stone and find true love before the onset of the menopause? Will the Count and the Baron -- inventors of a synthetic sex-appeal machine, and desperate to get their hands on the 'real McCoy' -- get there first? Or will Colorado commune leader Dougal Gallagher and his Seekers of the Shining Light pip them to the prize?

Spanning 4,000 years and most of infinity and beyond, The Sex Stone of Agassia involves an extensive cast of bumbling policemen, impoverished aristocrats, Bedouin tribesmen, cantankerous aunts, FBI agents, lost babies, obsessive inventors, red-neck sheriffs, Luftwaffe officers, homesick extraterrestrials, despots, goatherds, and well-endowed vicars.

Farcical, fantastical, and belonging firmly in the genre of Far-Fetched Fiction, The Sex Stone of Agassia is also a story of faith, friendship, loyalty and love.



Richard Maitland (Ed.)

"So this is what men do when left alone? It's very... odd."

"The Annals" is simply a reproduction of the 77,000-word Forum thread "Scribes", which continued for over six months and was totally spontaneous in the evolution of the storyline -- Authonomites simply picked up a previous post and ran with it. Some ran in directions that could scarcely be contemplated by a rational reader.

Temporary loss of the RWQ function meant slight reordering of some posts was necessary for clarity. ‘Stage directions’ in a post are as written by the poster. Inter-post comments in italics are those of the Editor.

Thanks are due to all writers who contributed such delights as Dadoo’s antler-bearing ‘chihuahuas’; Stumpo’s blood-soaked excursions into the East End; a dead otter; militant Suffragettes; crates of Borgia wine; Miss Judith Chalmers; orang utans; suspicious pies; a nude aviatrix; Queen Victoria and her demands for lobster; the Invasion of the Ladies; the Siege of Scribes; Mr Hawgood and the Guinness lines; the wonderful Orson Paddock and his false moustache; Sir Richard’s suicide attempt; cushions; and, of course, poor, devoted, down-trodden Mackie.

Your turn to enjoy.


my friends

last online 8 hours ago
last online 13 days ago

leave me a message

click here to leave a message


Lindsay Cross wrote 52 minutes ago

Hey Richard My wife said Paypal is dgoodland@mixis.com Thanks Li....

JohnDoe wrote 3 hours ago

Will do, Richard. And message deleted.

Spilota wrote 4 days ago

Yep, we can get all sorts of chocolate etc Easter eggs here. Personal....

Spilota wrote 4 days ago

Happy Belated Birthday! Happy Easter. Don't eat too many Easter....

M.J. Fahy wrote 5 days ago

:oD Funny, funny, funny. xx

view all

my comments


I wrote 115 days ago

Do not touch this book. Resist all suggestions to 'improve' it, or to edit it for grammar or typos. Yes, it's full of mistakes, but a sympathetic editor at publication stage will know how to fix this without disturbing your book's main strength. And that strength is your Voice. The bleak, un... view book

I wrote 168 days ago

Chapter 1: A man gets up and takes a bus ride. Chapter 2: A man chats to his friends in a pub. Chapter 3: A man chats to his friends in another pub. By this stage, I can't be arsed to read on to the core of the story, which is "glimpsing through flashback and hallucination the key moments in... view book

I wrote 180 days ago

"My intention is only to expose this true story to the general public which could lead to expose the root cause of this episode". Sorry, but I think the "root cause of this episode" is probably your life-long addiction to marijuana. view book

I wrote 193 days ago

I'm not sure what's going on here. You have posted one chapter of a children's book and then gone into autobiography mode. Yes, you've attracted some enthusiastic comments for "Jim", but that serves only to illustrate the point that most reviewers here read only the first chapter, and haven't seen... view book

I wrote 200 days ago

As anyone will tell you, I back only rarely, and am very hard to please. And "Origins" pleased me immensely. It's a very clever book, well-presented and confidently-written with all the pace and assurance of a seasoned professional; a book that never for a moment patronises the reader but sweeps... view book

view all