dadoo recent comments

written 41 days ago
cherry

On Top of Mount Pisgah actually brought a tear to my eye. Such a personal and poignant story. I have often thought of Moses standing there at The culmination of his life's work. The satisfaction of a successful conclusion, the overwhelming feeling that one story had ended while another was starting, and the uncertainty about that new story...would it also be successful?

That story, and your own, coming together at that moment in time, embodied for me the threshold, the moment in time when with no certainty about the outcome we decide to step into the future and our lives are forever changed.

I could also relate to your mothers poems, although in our case I was the poet, much to my wife's

When my children have children of their own, I may be inspired once again

Your poetry has always delighted me Bill, and Faust's Butterfly chilled me. For some reason, I never glanced at your shorter stories before, but I find now that they too have the means to reach me emotionally.

Bob



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written 178 days ago
cherry

Raymond; I finished your book last night. When I awoke this morning, I found that the beavers had left a message for me in the trees they had gnawed. Fortunately, after many years alone in my cabin, I have become fluent in beaver gnaw and also bear scat, although bears are crude and tend to leave messages like " What's up monkey butt?"

Anyway, this is what the beavers wrote ...

The father stood with his son on the shore of a vast ocean. Reflections of Stars, galaxies and nebulae shimmered and bobbed in the waves. The sky above was void and without form.

" Is this what it feels like to lose ones mind?" Asked the son.

"You know the steps son, first comes the curiosity, then the obsession, which turns into a glorious obsession. By then the lines real and not real become blurred, and the mind is lost, forever moving between what is real and what is real in the mind"

The son thought about this for a while, and absently skipped a stone across the waves, making a series of ripples which caused two galaxies to enter into a spiral dance, ultimately leading to the extinction of dinosaurs on a small backwater planet.

"But what if he doesn't come back?" the son asked. "Suppose he walks confidently into his mind, and travels so far that eventually he walks out the other side?"

The father smiled...

"Then my son, he remakes the world in his own image. Or writes a damn good book.

Or both..."

I'm not sure what the beavers really meant - Sometimes they mix their metaphors, and they tend to overuse the word 'which'- but I believe it was a compliment.

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written 189 days ago
cherry

Lovely, Lyrical, beguiling. Each chapter brings more questions. I'm really enjoying this Edward view book

written 242 days ago
cherry

So look at me. I get to make the first comment on your book (the last time I commented was 188days ago. In my defense, I also read the entire book before I commented:)

If you go back to my profile page, you will see that it doesn't happen very often.

I don't play games, and I'm not doing this to garner support for my book. You will soon be barraged by the gamers and spammers, and you'll learn pretty fast who to listen to and who to ignore. Judging from your book, you have a reasonably functional BS filter, so I'm sure you will sort it out.

I came across your introduction thread, and said "what the hell... I have an hour or so this afternoon. " so I started reading. That hour turned into two, then three, then the whole evening to boot.

In other words, I liked it.

I like your style of moving several stories ahead simultaneously in different chapters. I write the same way. Not everyone gets that, and you will get comments that it is too complicated or that you keep introducing new characters, so they had a hard time following the story. if I can give you some friendly advice... Don't listen to them. It works perfectly well, and adds to the tension. If some people give up because they find it too hard to follow, then they are probably not your audience.

Your book is good. I would even go so far as to say damn good, which is high praise coming from me. It certainly kept me engaged. I cared about your characters. I was always eager to see what happened next to them.

I did find it a bit "preachy" at times, especially nearer the end. I certainly agree that governments everywhere are elitist, corrupt, and on the take, so to speak, making deals that favor their rich business buddies for their own profit, but some people will read this as republican propaganda(I don't see it that way) and stop reading.

Personally, I strictly stay out of political discussions because it really doesn't matter who is in power, it always ends up the same.

Back to your book...

I found the description of the decline to be realistic. I could easily see these sort of things happening. I liked the way that you mostly used events to portray the decline, rather than long sweeping descriptions of backstory. I don't have any patience for pages of backstory.

Do I think the book is perfect? No. But keep in mind, the following statements are only my personal opinions, so please take them with a grain of salt, unless you find that others say the same sort of thing.

I found that the whole sex with minors thing was a little over done. I mean, I get it. He fell into a situation that almost ruined his life. I also get that his crime was being caught, while other people continued doing the same thing without consequences because they weren't . After a while, I kind of felt you were beating me over the head with the message, almost like you wanted to convince me that this was ok. If the kids were provocative, then it gave us adults the right to flirt and see where it leads.

I'm not saying you should remove it from your book, because your main characters experience is a big part of who he becomes, I just felt that it got a bit preachy at times as I mentioned. It's hard to strike a balance, but I felt it distracted a bit from your main themes by competing with them.

As for the other sexuality in the book, I'm pretty sure that if there was such a sudden decline in what we stupidly consider civilization, survivors would be questioning everything, including their perceptions of right and wrong, so it fit well with your themes.

I appreciate that you didn't go into great detail with the sex scenes. Again, I think that would have distracted from your other important themes, and I probably would have skipped over them anyway, to get on with the story

I thought it was poignant when your mc realized that governments were just another religion. I had to smile because I came to the same conclusion about banks and their prophets, the economists, which is the theme of my satire.

Summary... The mark of a good author in my opinion, is that they can engage their readers whe challenging their world view. You do that. In spades. Welcome to Authonomy. You will find everyone here from Christian fundamentalists, to transgendered strippers, and all the colors in between. Most of all, you will find some people who "get" your writing even though others will not. The ones that get it are golden. They are your audience, and they are the ones who may give you the best advice

So here comes the caveat. I'm just a writer like you. I'm no kind of expert. You can take what I say, or leave it. Don't re write a word based on what I say, but in the comments that others make, you notice a trend, you might want to think about it.

Thank you for sharing your work with us, and thank you for giving me a great afternoon/evening read:)

Bob view book

written 431 days ago
cherry

Ooh errr, sir Richard. I apologize for the lack of contact lately, but the weather here in the colonies is positively beastly. I am currently experiencing the effects of what we call a nor'easter, which has kept us holed up in our abodes for days. This causes an Affliction known as "cabin fever", which on occasion leads to acts of unspeakable violence. I was contemplating the consequences of drowning myself in gallons of maple syrup, which as you may know, is a nectar made from the sap of large trees scattered about our colony.

I dispaired of surviving until spring thaw, when I discovered the dusty tome you sent me several years ago. It lay forgotten under some discarded beaver pelts, which I of necessity moved so as to cover my bed, since we are low on supplies and must ration our firewood.

It was a true delight on Such a day as this, to rediscover the Annals, and recover some of the warmth of those heady days. I remember fondly the goings on, the back and forth, the sheer inventiveness of the various characters who frequented your establishment. Revisiting those Halcyon days have surely saved me from a horrible though decidedly sweet fate.

I find myself renewed and envigoured, though somewhat chagrined by the excesses of our youth and the follies we inflicted on innocent bystanders.

Still, I would not change a word for all the world.

I hope this message finds you in good health Sir Richard, though god knows when the Royal Mail may deliver it. I have not seen a soul these past fourth days. The weather may break In a few months, at which point they may recover the pigeon to who's leg I have attached this note.

If ever again you contemplate re-opening the fine club, or perhaps starting a new venture, pray notify me. The success of this thread, as well as the joint musical we produced, convinces me that there is much talent still to be found on this site.

Regards etc.

Dadoo

Ps. Do send me news of my dear Alphonse, currently in the Tower menagerie. Is he happy? Is there any issue resulting from his joyous union with HRM's resident ... Umm... Corgis? view book

written 615 days ago
cherry

Well Graham, you've done it again.
You've gone and made me lose sleep while I've read everything you posted.
Bastard :-)

While the first few chapters were more graphic than what I was able to read of TGFK, you still managed to keep it from crossing the line into voyeurism. I was horrified by the plight of the girls and their escape, but at the same time glad to see that their spirit had not entirely been crushed.

I enjoy your writing as well Graham. A combination of short clipped sentences skillfully employed to move the action, and slower almost lyrical passages with clever turns of phrase for those of us who appreciate such things ( and the opportunity it provides us to catch our breath). Many authors do one or the other well, but you do both without forcing or resorting to the dreaded 'purple prose'

This is a good follow up to TGFK, similar themes with new characters, but further developing the characters we grew to love in the first book.

I was reading this for pure enjoyment, so I didn't make up a long list of things I liked, or even a short list of things I didn't. If you would like me to take a closer look and offer some feedback offsite, just let me know. I doubt that I could help you improve it much, but I enjoyed it enough that I wouldn't mind taking another look.

Most of all, I'm glad I found a book to replace TGFK on my shelf. I'll be putting the butterfly there as soon as I can switch to my regular computer tomorrow. For some reason, my iPad doesn't let me back books.

At any rate Graham, best wishes with The Butterfly Effect.

Let me know if you decide to post more...

Bob view book

written 668 days ago
cherry

Well, I haven't said this very often in all the time I have been here on Authonomy...

But I have read every word you posted, in one sitting.

Truth be told, you caught me at a good time, I am stuck on my arse, recovering from an unfortunate encounter with a horse ( http://www.authonomy.com/forums/threads/99337/dadoo/ ) , so unusually I have the time to give this book proper consideration.

I do believe story is king, and you have a very good story here. Enough of a story, to keep me reading until the end. I do admit, I'm a bit of a sucker for "survival" type stories, and I like the way that your main character made potentially fatal mistakes on occasion. Obviously he couldn't think of everything, and those mistakes balance out his usual thoughtfulness.

Have you seen any of the tv series " life after people" the documentaries have a similar premis to your book, in that people suddenly and inexplicably disappear, then follows the consequences in the hours, days, months and years. Everything from feral dogs to nuclear meltdowns. The show is very meticulous in showing the consequences and timeline of what might be working or not after the people who maintain it suddenly disappear.

If you haven't seen it, I would suggest you watch it, only in that it is carefully researched, and may give you some more ideas on situations which might increase the tension in parts of your book.

This is not to say that your book isn't tense as is. Some people may prefer more action in some parts of the book, although I thought it was just fine.

I dearly hope you have spent many hours editing, and correcting the inevitable mistakes that creep In when quickly writing a novel.

If you have not, then you are a bastard and I hate you forever :-)

Not really of course, but while I was reading for pure enjoyment, I must say that very few actual errors jumped out at me. Here are my notes. I am offering them, not in a nitpicky critical way, but honestly to help you quickly fix a few things that drew me out of the story. They are not critically important, but they may be of some assistance. I always appreciate when an extra pair of eyes spots things I missed in my manuscript...

Chapter two, when your mc decides he needs to learn how to fly a helicopter...

  Rand had flown in small aircraft several times growing up in Montana. He had a doctor friend that used to call and invite his ( should probably be him ) to fly. He would let Rand take the controls and go through training maneuvers. This had piqued Rand’s interest in flying and though he couldn’t afford to get his license he had spent a lot

Chapter six, right after the mention of " miracle day"

    Rand slept in the hospital bed next to Elsie’s. She woke him up several times during the night for help getting into the wheelchair so she could go to the bathroom. Her color had vastly. (vastly what? Improved?)

Chapter seven, in the ikea lunchroom.

‘Because you’re saying things to give me an open door to get away from you ( for clarity, I would put a comma here, I had to re read this sentence a few times before I 'got' it ) like you will do something that will make me leave anyway. You think you did something to make him have an affair.’

Chapter nine, just before they leave on the black ops mission...

He looked (at?) her.


That's it. If you write that well on the fly, you have a brilliant future ahead of you ( and you are a bastard :-)

The best compliment I can give you is that I enjoyed the story very much. It took my mind off the pain for a whole afternoon, and for that I thank you. When you have more that you are willing to post, please let me know. I would gladly read more.

Bob




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written 751 days ago
cherry

This sure is a big pile of brown, man. Don't give up the day job. You're writing is that of a queer.




I was about to ritually disembowel myself after I read your impression of my book, when I realized that the second part of your comment put me up in the ranks with Oscar Wilde, Clive Barker, Plato, Chuck Pahlaniuk, Samuel R. Delaney, Marcel Proust, Virginia Wolfe...

Shucks Joey, thanks for the compliment. Here's a totally unqueer man hug for your vote of confidence...

MUAH...:-)
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written 874 days ago
cherry

I shall cherish this book until my dotage, whereupon I shall read it and cackle wildly whilst flinging poo at the orderlies.

What larks! view book

written 924 days ago
cherry

This is of a quality that I have rarely seen on Authonomy. Whereas many of our books are works in progress, I find this one to be highly polished and complete in most respects.

This is not my normal choice of subject matter, but the subtle characterization and style made it difficult for me to stop reading. Dangerous stuff, because I started reading this during my lunch break at work, and the next thing I knew...well...let's just say, I'm glad my boss didn't walk by.

I enjoy your style of writing. It's easy to get ham fisted when we wan't our readers to identify with, or dislike characters. You resist the urge of being gross, shmaltzy, or one dimensional, by allowing your characters to grow organically, revealing their insecurities and flaws through their actions and thoughts as the story progresses.

There is a gentle self depreciating humor through all of this, something unexpected in a novel that deals with such strong subject matter.

But what I really enjoyed was the dialogue.

The one thing that grated on me at first, was the perspective you used to write the story. I think it could be described as third person omniscient present tense. It's very difficult to pull off without sounding pretentious.
By the end of the first chapter, it was no linger an issue for me, I was enjoying the story.

If others have an unreasonable prejudice against that particular point of view (A subject that has been discussed to DEATH on the forums here :-), Then I hope they get over it and continue reading. I'm very glad I did.

Thank you for sharing this with us here on Authonomy. I tend to put books on my shelf and only remove them when they make the desk, or I find something I think is better.

Yours is there for the long haul.

Bob view book

written 985 days ago
cherry

Clever times 10.

It's rare that a book makes my sides and my brain hurt at the same time.

laughing and thinking, that's what satire is all about.

Thank you for treating your readers as if we have a fully functioning language center, and are capable of discerning the levels you have written into your story. No matter what people may say to you on this site, NEVER dumb it down!

This book is so up my alley, I'll be reading more this weekend, and will provide a more competent comment, as soon as my brain gets into weekend mode mode.



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written 1185 days ago
cherry

I found myself nodding my head in agreement to much of this (with a silly smile pasted on my face)

I enjoyed the read very much. Your writing is smooth, and the dialog keeps it real.

I think you've tapped into a universal experience here. The whole, "I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, so I'll do nothing for as long as I can get away with it" mentality. It's been 30 years since I had to deal with that, but my son is definitely going through the same struggle right now.

I think that is what makes it so appealing to me. The theme is universal, the MC is someone we can sympathize with, and the whole thing is written with wry, self-depreciating humor.

There's been too many angry, rebellious "slacker with an attitude" books. Thank you for writing something for the rest of us.

Bob (Who still thinks that a whole day with absolutely nothing on the agenda, is the best thing ever :-)


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written 1221 days ago
cherry

This is an excellent book for younger teens, or even pre teens. The structure (Short chapters with a keep reading hook, brief paragraphs, dialog, short bursts of exposition) Fit very well with the intended audience.

And the story...what kid doesn't dream that their real life is far different than their boring day to day :-)

I've enjoyed the read Diane. This is most definitely a book I would have bought for my kids when they were at that age.

Heck, I enjoyed reading those books as much as my kids did, so I would have to nick this one when they were done with it.

Good read. Good fun. on my shelf with some stardust sprinkled ;-)

Bob view book

written 1228 days ago
cherry

I've read the first two chapters, and found them to be very upbeat, positive, and well written (one very tiny typo in the first paragraph of Chapter two ... "If you new this was your last day..." should be "If you knew this was...")

I find myself agreeing with much of what you say here, although I generally don't read 'inspirational' books. I find that I'm enjoying life on my terms, so I don't seem to need more inspiration :-)

I liked the parable in Chapter one. Lack of communication, and making assumptions about people is probably one of the biggest dividers in society today. I see it all the time in the forums...:-)

I take on many of the same issues in my book, but I kind of come in through the back door with a bit of satire. in the world I imagined, Banking and religion had merged to control completely people's lives theologically and fiscally through holy eternal debt. There are heretics however, who are passionate about life and work to help people break free from the stifling control that the BANK has over them.

The whole book is a parable that will hopefully get people to take a serious look at how they are being manipulated by the people with more "things'

These are subjects I've thought long and hard about, which is probably why I enjoyed reading your book.

Thank you for sharing it with us.

Bob view book

written 1251 days ago
cherry

Sorry for the Loooooong delay in getting to this Terry. Editing, preparing for submission, etc.

But I'm even sorrier because it's a damn fine Noire, and I've been missing it up to now.

The descriptions are seamless, the dialog between Jimmy and Eddie superb.

A wussy gumshoe who thinks he's tough cookies. Just the concept has me wanting more.

The writing clinches it. On to chapter two...:-) view book

written 1251 days ago
cherry

Now THAT's how to use dialog.

Not my usual type of read, but I So know guys like Jamie. The speech patterns bring him and the other characters to life, revealing all we need to know about them without exposition.

Well done indeed.

My shelf is clogged right now, but I'm rating this book well above average. Dialog done right gets me every time:-) view book

written 1263 days ago
cherry

"Fonz" and "Miriam of Webster" are copyrighted terms and the use of coprighted terms is generally frowned on by publishing companies as they have to obtain permission from the copyright holders to use them. They are NOT going to do that for a new writer. Using copyrighted terms is the mark of a newbie.

A compendium of terms belongs at the end of a book, not the beginning.



Thank you for your comments Jeff. I appreciate and have noted your concerns.

Fonz is a name, and I don't believe it is copyrighted. At any rate, in my book, it's short for Alphonse, not Fonzerelli :-) It's the only shortened form of Alphonse that I could find that wasn't common, (like Al, or Alphie)

Miriam Webster is a dictionary. A character named "Sister Miriam of Webster," is a parody. There is room in copyright "fair use" for parody, especially since the terms she explains are Latin. If I had quoted large portions of the Miriam Webster dictionary, and claimed it as my own work, then I would be infringing on copyright. Then again, I doubt that anyone would read or back my book if it were a dictionary rip-off :-)

As for the compendium being at the beginning, It is only there at all because some readers prefer to get a bit of the setting before being immersed in a story. I do mention in my comments that it can easily be skipped if you are the type of reader who prefers to start in the thick of a story and have things revealed as the story progresses (my personal preference)

When the book gets published, if it exists at all, the compendium will be at the end of the book, as you suggested.. Since I have not posted the entire novel on the site, it is at the beginning.

As you can see, I have given some thought to copyright law, and I believe I have a pretty good grasp of it's implications and limitations. As for writing like a newbie, well, that is an opinion, and you certainly have a right to yours.

Once again Jeff, Thank you for your comments and concerns,

Bob view book

written 1283 days ago
cherry

This is very good.

It's hard to do first person right. You need an interesting character with honest reactions.

You do it right. I often see it used as a tool, a technique that the author choses for their own reasons. In your book, it is integral. I don't think the story could have been told as powerfully without it.

Your narrator really captures that sense of bewilderment that we all get on occasion, when at a crossroads and trying to understand how we got there in the first place. I like her observations, which interestingly, put me in the omniscient position looking at her remembering herself as the life of the bar, dancing and jumping between the others, when I know that she is really the wasted girl stumbling and bumping into people.

There are really two impressions in my mind, hers and the reality, and yet your writing makes them merge and mingle, the reader picking out the moments of clarity.

The first few chapters (all I have time for today, sadly) are polished beyond what I normally see in a new writer here. or maybe I was just so caught up in the reading that I didn't notice anything. Either way, I like the flow of your writing.

You'll find that some people here will want to give you advice on first person, perspective, etc. Some can be very opinionated. I just want to say, you don't have to listen to them. You obviously know what you're doing.

Best wishes with this book Mel. It will do well here.

Bob view book

written 1302 days ago
cherry

Gerry, I've been active here almost a year now. Your book was one of the first I read and backed.

Your writing still astounds me.

Your book is back on my shelf where it belongs. I have a feeling it's going to stay there for a long while. Since I already backed you so long ago, It's probably a sterile gesture, but at least people may see it when they visit my profile.

I'm working my way through your book bit by bit. Every time I pick it up, you surprise me again.

I delight in being surprised. You know I'm buying this when it's published right?

Bob



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written 1322 days ago
cherry

Geoff.

Hmmm..Making intelligent comments in the forums turns out to be a great way to introduce people to your writing :-)

I prefer lighter reading, but man alive, I like this. With practically no description (The description that was there was cleverly included in the flow of the story, without breaking the momentum) I feel that I could write a fairly good character sketch on Stanis, Nikki and Gregor.

All I need to know about the back story, came across loud and clear through the action and the interrogation.
In short, this is the king of writing I delight in. You treat your readers like they have a brain, and are capable of figuring things out for themselves, without a lot of superfluous explanation.

Well done Geoff. view book