Slow Poison

Congratulations to you on effectively tackling the issues of multiple characters POVs and head-hopping all within the first chapter. You introduce SO much characterization, scene, backstory, and information in this first chapter, I felt like I had already read an entire novel.

Although I did find the writing style hard to manage at first, I found myself accustomed to it about half way in. I began to expect the shifts and, eventually, look forward to them.

I really like the six men from Britian and their disgusting antics. They are a nice contrast to Becky and Fred trying to have a nice dinner. And despite the fact that you told us who would die and when, it still made it all the more tragic. my favorite bit of characterization is the letter Becky holds on to as the one proof that he might have loved her. I also like the man writing in his diary. I'm interested to know who he is and why he is following the characters.

At first I thought this was just not my "type" of book. However, I like Practical Mechanics of Reverberation (which is an Authonomy book written by Allan Shapiro), and yours is very similar to his in many ways. So, I think the reason I couldn't really get into this book was that despite the excellent writing of the POV-shifts and head-hopping, there is still a little to be desired in the simplicity department. I worked very hard throughout the chapter to understand what was going on. Maybe the shifts could be a little more drastic and obvious? I don't want to discourage them, because I think they are excellent, but maybe a few less would be better.

I may be the only one to say that, and it may be that I just don't understand the novel as well as others, so please ignore my comments if they don't ring true for you.

I wish you the best with this interesting and wonderful book.

Katy
The Promenade view book

FINK

So, I really enjoyed this. Each storyline is incredible, and while many of them could have easily slipped into cliché, I felt they remained unique and incredibly disturbing in their honesty. There are two main issues I have with the novel, but I think they could easily be fixed (or explained), and I’ll discuss them later.

Chapter three made me sick, but in the good way that awesome literature dealing with terrifying subjects should. It was the first time (but certainly not the last) that your writing forced me to turn from the screen and hang my head down to digest the awfulness of what was occurring to your characters. But it is so beautifully written and so heartfelt, I couldn’t stop. It’s been awhile since a novel disturbed me. I would take that as a compliment.

Chapter four – I felt you were a little heavy-handed about Chris’s past. I think it would help to remove some of the hints about it being dark. One or two is enough. I felt it was a bit too saturated, and I almost lost some of my desire to learn about it, simply because I was being reminded so many times.

The parts about staring at each others other’s pain, worried if they stop, the past will catch up, the descriptions of anorexia, the fast food scene, etc, really impressed me. And by the end of chapter four, I was in for the rest of the novel.

Chapter Six – “I’ve got fuck all by way of light with which to illuminate it.” That line gave me chills

Also, “Fuck you, see you never.” was great.

Chapter Eight – I’m a little confused by the numbers. In later chapters you switch time and POV without signposting with numbers, so I’m wondering if you just haven’t edited for structural continuity or if these numbers mean something?

Additionally, this is when I really started to notice tense changes. May be I don’t know enough (entirely possible) about this kind of writing, but it seems to occasionally jump between past and present mid-sentence.

And this brings me to my two major issues:

One: The jumps in time/POV really pick up as the story goes on, and by the last two or three chapters, are constant. I don’t think the shift in storytelling suits the book. If it was all one or all the other, I would be on board. But, doing both seems like a change in voice to me. Maybe you should add more shifts at the beginning so we’re ready for it the whole way through?

Two: (And this relates to the first) I felt like your narrative voice changed near the end of the novel. Not just the POV and time shifts, but it became more rambling. I really like the voice. In fact, I like (what I consider to be) both voices. I’m just not sure the change works.

I haven’t read through your other comments, so I may be the only one to say this, and in that case, I may be totally off. Feel free to disregard.

Anyways, I love it and I’m putting it on my shelf. It’s beautiful.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

Practical Mechanics of Reverberation

I am feeling very ambivalent about this book. I read all of the 12 chapters uploaded and to be honest, this may be the most hooked I have ever been by an authonomy book. The writing was so insightful that I didn't even take the time to jot down my favorite lines, because with each chapter I read I was taken aback by another incredibly clever and gorgeous sentiment, and my favorite became whatever one I had just read.

Each couple is so different, yet they share the same foundation, which is a wonderful message: love comes in different packages. And I fell in love with all of them. Irving and Jessica seem like self-destructive narcissists, but somewhere deep inside of them you can see a spark of genuine humanity and love. Esau and Eleanor pretend to hate each other but in their own way are wonderful parents and seem like one of those timeless married couples that we all pretend we never want to become. And Jacob and Daphne, well, they had me from the start in the diner.

There were times when I was reading and thought, "I'm so jealous I can't write like this." It's so unique and yet it feels incredibly universal. The voice sounds like one that I have in my head, one that anyone can immediately relate to, especially with the cynical humor. You created this seemingly dysfunctional catastrophe of a family and then slowly let us unravel their lives until we realized they were actually firmly bound to each other and incredibly in love. I really, really, love this story.

So anyways, the reason I am ambivalent about this book: chapter 12. What the fuck???

I was waiting to find out how Ramona was and then bam! people I don't know are doing things I don't understand and then it ends. You could almost do without the chapter altogether (in my opinion). I may have missed something big, but I honestly have no idea what it is intended to accomplish. This may sounds harsh, but i can't tell you how deflated I felt after chapter 12 ended and there was nothing else left for me to read. I just don't feel like you satisfactorily closed the story (I assume this is all there is because you have classified it as complete. Let me know if I am wrong!).

I almost didn't shelve this because of the last chapter issue, but I was so absolutely in love with the first 11 chapters that I couldn't not shelve it.

I truly wish you the best with this, and would be happy to re-read any re-writes or be a soundboard for any new ideas if you so choose.

Katy
-The Promenade view book

PLC Review: Beyond the Honeysuckle Trail

I read the entire 26 chapters posted here, and I have to say I was absolutely craving more when it was over. So that's always a good sign.

The prose is excellent throughout. Great turns of phrase, a subtle and quiet lyrical nature. I love the details, like the oranges Nellie eats in chapter one. The lovely small town you have painted is charming and idyllic. It makes the tragedies that befall it that much harder to stomach in such a beautiful environment. But then again, it doesn't have boundaries.

A few suggestions: I would have liked the first chapter where Randall meets Nellie to be a little subtler. It was repeated over and over how he was fawning over her eyes, how his heart was racing, etc. I feel like those things could have simply been stated once or twice, and then their behavior could have easily insinuated the rest for us. Just a thought.

Also, I assume the chapters that have no year are set in present day, but with all the time and POV shifts, I think it would be easier on the reader to add a year for each entry. It took me a bit at the start of each chapter to get a sense of "where" I was.

In chapter 18, you give us two heart-breaking and beautiful stories about local townspeople that are touched by James's cross. I thought this was a lovely touch. I am wondering, however, if there should not only be more of these stories (and maybe there are later on), but if they should be sprinkled throughout instead of grouped together in the one chapter?

The loss of Ben is well-handled and extremely emotional. I noted that we never get a glimpse of Randall's reaction to it. At one point in one of the later chapters, he mentions that he is remembering an image of Ben and Christine walking out of the barn together. I assume Randall worked there before Ben died? If so, I think it would do a great disservice to not include his sense of loss. If not, perhaps it could be made more clear that Randall was hired post-Ben's passing.

Before Randall shoots Max, he tells Jake to get his hands off Christine. However, the reader is not aware that he is touching her. We assume so, but his comment seems out of place without a mention of it beforehand, especially since she feel the need to say Jake wasn't hurting her. I would add a sentence about Jake grabbing Christine forcefully to try and remove her from the scene.

Finally, I am unsure that I buy the sheriff forgetting he only had two bullets. At first, I just figured he forgot because he was drunk. But after the fight, it seems like that would be something that he would be unable to get out of his mind. It is too big a moment for him. Perhaps you could have them fight about something else that morning?

I know that seems like a lot of negative, but those are just the few small things that didn't work for me. Everything else was brilliant and incredibly-told. I was completely swept up in the story and read all 26 chapters in one long sitting.

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

Paradox

Your first chapter achieves the all-important goal: I am interested and want to read more. I think you've built a story around something that is universally intriguing, and yet you've managed to stay away from cliches, so well done on that. The piece is obviously lit fic, but holds a solid plot and clear direction, which can sometimes be difficult or unnecessary in this genre. All that to say this: it's good and I like it.

One nit pick regarding chapter one. The last line, "What lay ahead was much worse." I would shorten to, "It was much, much worse." More biting in my opinion. We already know what you are referring to, and you also don't have to repeat the "what lay ahead" part. Just a thought.

I am torn about what to say regarding chapter two. While all of the information was extremely interesting, and you do a good job of peppering in some dialogue from the professor so that it doesn't read like a textbook, I am still unconvinced that this section fits. Is all of that detailed information absolutely necessary to the plot? If not, I would clip out the parts that aren't. If it is, I applaud you and would love to read how all of this ties in to your story and your MC.

Again, I'm not sure what to say, because although it is long and tedious, it is a big reason why I kept reading; wondering where you could be going with all that information. I will say that if this book were physically in my hands, as opposed to digitized on an annoying-to-read-screen, I probably would have less of an issue with it. I find that with most books on authonomy, we are less willing to put up with things that we wouldn't even think twice about in a traditional novel simply because we're tired of uncomfortably staring at a computer screen .

Again with chapter three there was a lot of information, but the traveling back in time paradox was so interesting, I didn't care. I was going to say that this would be a good time to break up the meetings with the professor so the story doesn't stagnate, but then I reached chapter four and realized you had already done that.

Chapter four and five are beautiful. I also want to let you know that after each I kept trying to convince myself to stop reading, as I have a lot to do today and am very backed up on return reads. But I couldn't, and ended up reading up to chapter seven. So, that's pretty cool.
(Of course, stories about drugs and depression are sort of my niche).

Chapter six is in an excellent spot to bring us back to where we were and really build the tension about who the girl is. I found myself with a few theories and was constantly questioning, theorizing, and second-guessing myself. So, great job, there.

I wish you the best with this, and hope that there is something in this review that you find helpful or encouraging.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

He Was a Most Peculiar Man

This is my extremely late return read, and I apologize for how long it took to get this to you.

The first thing that caught my attention was the (as promised) lyrical prose. It's well-written but stops short of being over-written. My favorite line was the sentence that ended, "...nothing grows but washing lines and babies." I love when the tiniest of details such as that can create a perfectly clear vision in a reader's head.

From there, I'm afraid I became a little confused. I understand the advantage jumping back and forth through time and space can have for characterization and tension, but I didn't feel as though the jumps were clear enough. I was disorientated a few times and had to remind myself where the MC was. Unfortunately, I felt that the clues regarding space and time were either too subtle, or simply missing altogether, and the amount of effort I had to put in to figure things out kept me from engaging in the narrative as often as I would have liked.

I want to add here that others seem to have handled the shifts just fine, so it is completely reasonable that I may be a sub-par reader and expecting to be spoon-fed. I am not sure if this is true or not, but I do want you to take my opinion with a grain of salt. :)

I thought you handled the death of the father exceptionally well, and the mother's grief was not only believable but palpable. I was also intrigued by the MC's response to it. At first glance he might have seemed passive about it, but with a closer look, I feel he was occupying himself with the care of his mother and somewhat stifling the sharpness of his pain. The fact that I am guessing and insinuating so much regarding your characters is the typical response to classic lit fic, which I love, so bravo on writing such an emotionally-driven and through-provoking novel.

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

Rude Awakening

I was surprised by how much I enjoyed this. I typically don't read comedy, and the outrageous situations in this work aren't usually my type of humor. However, I found it easy to ignore the unrealistic aspects of the book and became fully immersed in the story. I intended to read only a few chapters and leave a general comment, but ended up reading the whole thing and deciding to put it on my shelf. My shelf is routinely dominated by ilt fic and has never held a comedy - so I would take that as quite a compliment :)

Just a few paragraphs into chapter one and yep, I'm hooked.

One problem I did have was the routine use of alliteration. At first I thought it was an oversight, but then realized it was part of your style. I am unconvinced that this adds to the humor of the novel, but may be wrong as this is not my genre. One positive it has is to showcase the incredible wit held by the author. I was impressed by the word choices more than once.

Chapter three is the first of a handful of times in which you "break the fourth wall" and address the reader specifically. I'm not sure this adds to the comedy either (refer again to the "this isn't my genre" bit). It threw me out of the story and I didn't find myself laughing enough to find these interruptions worth taking me out of the story. In this first instance it's regarding not mentioning name-brand panties for fear of getting sued. I found myself confused by that because you mention other name-brands throughout the story (this may be a cultural joke that I am too naive to catch or just doesn't translate on this side of the pond? Or I could be a complete idiot - it wouldn't be the first time).

The line where Charlie passes a woman wearing too much make-up and "masking an equally bad situation - but better." is BRILLIANT. Probably my favorite line. I'm a sucker for ramblings about late nights, booze, and tragically disappointing romantic endeavors, though.

I liked the juxtaposition of cultures in chapter four. It's interesting enough to make the abrupt change in story easy to work with. I thought I would certainly be immediately wondering why this is being thrown in, but you didn't miss a beat in maintaining the dry, cynical voice and making everything seem connected and important (and funny).

I found Pamela's character especially hilarious in chapter five.

All I could think in chapter six when Charlie shares his coke with the janitor was, "That janitor is having the best fucking morning of his life!"

Near the end I really enjoyed the extremely subtle hints that maybe one of these characters (possibly Leah and Charlie) at some point may display the slightest hint of humanity. It made me eager to keep reading and find it.

And of course, I finally reached the point where the extreme situational humor was too much - the mustache.
Not bad enough for me to stop reading, but I did slow down hoping it didn't get worse. Again, not my type of humor, so I wouldn't change anything about it based on me.

You did a really nice job with pace - although it seems obvious Charlie will walk in on Patel and Pamela, I was still anxious to find out when and how. Overall, this read was never boring, and in the end, that's what we're all going for right?

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade. view book

Pain

One - The opening paragraph is excellent. There is one thing that I would change about it, though. You don’t seem to really commit to the observations. For example, “Every nerve in her body seemed to be tingling…” I would take out “seemed” and just say was. Another would be, “…making her look older and far less attractive than she was.” I would eliminate the word “look”. And finally, “Nickly felt annoyed…” I think “was” would be better. Your words work, but they seem removed from the subject and pull the reader out of the story. I would look at all the places you use versions of the word “feel” and either think of a more descriptive verb, or just eliminate it altogether and let the description just be what it is.

That minor point aside, I am thoroughly hooked by the end of chapter one, and desperate to meet Alex Brady and his family.

Two – I am totally into the story by the start of chapter two. I like the session Nicky and Alex have together. “Healing” sounds silly to me, but it was described well and kept my interest.

Three – Great characterization of Tina and Charlotte. My one nit-pick in this chapter is that you use the names too often. Since the chapter is mostly about Tina’s point of view, I think you could refer to her as “she” by the middle/end (where it gets the most repetitive).

Four – I hate to nit-pick (again) but I would remove, “…viewing it as over sentimental” from the sentence when Alex and Charlotte hug. I think the first part of that sentence says enough, and would be much more telling without the second half.

What a heart-breaking chapter!

Five – The fight is really well-developed. I was surprised to find myself actually sympathizing with Tina as well as Alex. The dialogue is realistic and the pace is working well for me.

I’d be happy to come back for more. I think this novel has a great start and is definitely something I would enjoy reading. After the first chapter or so, you really seem to find your voice. I didn’t feel myself being kicked out of the narrative or jolted around the way I had at first.

I wish you luck with this,

-Katy
The Promenade
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Ruta

There are quite a few things I like about this story. First, I don't often read literary fiction pieces that are set in a school and told from the point of view of a teacher. I am very removed from this environment and it is interesting for me to read about. I like the idea of watching a teacher become cynical and the possibly finding some redemption in a student(s).

Your prose is succinct and biting. I like that you display a clever wit that is both subtle and humorous. It's an engaging way to tell a story, and a smart way to keep lit fic from sounding "slow".

I would also like to point out that I am extremely new to writing, and everything I say may be complete crap. I say that now because I am about to tell you what I didn't like, and I hope that you take it with a huge grain of salt.

Chapter 1 - I don't feel any real direction or conflict yet. I make it a point not to read pitches before I read the novel, so I honestly had no idea what was happening or where we were going. That is okay initially, but by the end of the first chapter, I would expect some sort of hook.

Chapter 2 - I was surprised by the direction the book took here (because, again, I didn't read the pitch) but I was happy to finally get an idea of where you were taking the novel. The story starts to take form near the end of chapter two and you have successfully piqued my interest.

Chapter 3 - At this point, I started to be bothered by how broken up your paragraphs are. I realize part of this is style, but I still think you could congeal them together a little, at the very least, to improve flow and add to the ease of reading.

In this chapter I felt my first real emotional attachment, and that was to Migle. The story of her backpack being stolen while Lump behaves so immorally and the MC is powerless was excellent. Additionally, when the MC explains that all these back stories have meaning and we are now getting into the real story, I felt connected and comfortable. That was a good paragraph and a good place to put it.

However, when you went right back into a new character/student, I was disappointed. I was hoping that would be the end of the initial explanations and scene setting. Perhaps you could spread these stories out and let them flow into the narrative a little more naturally? We don't need so many characters at once, we can meet them little by little. I know that you have this all on a timeline, but if they need to be spaced out like this, perhaps we could jump back and forth through time? I'm not sure what the best answer would be, but I do feel that we have too much character introduction and seemingly unrelated stories, and (I feel) need more fleshing out of the "point" of the novel, so to speak.

If all of these student stories are intended to emotionally develop and give some insight to the MC, then I would suggest taking a few out, and accomplishing this in some other way. Maybe a past relationship, or a personal crisis, etc. I am not really sure of your motivations, so, again, these suggestions may all be crap to you. It wouldn't be the first time I was completely off base! :)

Finally, you repeat many times throughout the first three chapters that you were becoming tired of the school/colleagues/students/ etc. It could be removed a few times, as it becomes repetitive.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative, as I really enjoyed your novel! I just wanted to let you know about the few issues that didn't work for me. If you choose to take the suggestions on, or rewrite in any way (and this is your baby, so please, please, don't take my crit too seriously!) I'd be happy to come back for a second look.

Good luck with this,
Katy
- The Promenade view book

I read your first two chapters.

You have a gripping first start and have set the stage for an intriguing and sympathetic MC. I will admit that historical fiction, thrillers, and christian lit are not my strong suits, but even so, you managed to hook me. I would say being able to intrigue a reader outside your genre is a pretty big compliment.

The only negative I can see in this book is that near the end of chapter two, a lot of the information about past events doesn't feel natural. I'm wondering if those bits are absolutely essential for us to know at this point, and if not, could they be slipped in more seamlessly later on. I am always of the mindset that less is more; subtle is always better. Of course, it's usually not a great idea to accept advice from someone outside your genre as their frame of reference is a little off, so you may want to scrap that idea altogether!

Anyways, there is a lot of talent in this prose, and from what I have read, the plot seems big and intriguing enough to fill a trilogy and keep reader's happy.

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

My second look:

5 – Did Jatt follow them to America? Or was he already there to being with?

“I mistimed the pull…” It might read easier as “mis-timed”

“This caused the yo-yo begin it’s return,…” should be “to begin”

“After receiving the yo-yo an incident would occur.” did occur? occurred?

“…caused me to instead, swing the yo-yo around vertically by my side.” remove comma.

“…and stroked her boony little head.” bony?

The yo-yo story is incredible. I like how you’ve distilled his life into all of these seemingly small moments that shaped him. There’s a pattern emerging for me that they all center on a small object – the treasure he and Francesca dug for, the yo-yo Jatt gave him; it’s a really cool style.

His father’s last sentence of the chapter should have more commas and fewer periods. I love the arrogance of Nicodemus holding his breath and the way his father reacts.

6 – “…and to continue to selfishly living apart from them.” live.

You maintain a great pace throughout this novel. The ups and downs of Nicodemus’ life are presented in such a way that the reader remains interested, and yet knows this is all still heading to the real issue – the real climax that defines him. Just when I think I’m going to get tired of the series of small stories, one is thrown in that is so profoundly touching, I’m back to flipping pages (or clicking numbers) to find out what happens next.

7 – “…it turns that it was.” turns out that it was?

I really, really, really like Jatt. A lot.

8 – I guess now is as good a time as any to mention how believable all of this is. Through the fantastical stories to the unlikely-ness of parents leaving their son on a different continent – I never once doubted any of it. That is excellent writing.

“…she was at least fifteen years younger, than I was, …” remove the first comma

“Firstly told me she had…” Firstly, she told me she had…

“He took long pause…” He took a long pause…

“My heart, felt she was…” remove comma

9 – “as if I was to accept leaving my friends and all I’ve ever known.” “I’ve” should be “I’d”.

10 – “In less than a month later,…” In less than a month OR Less than a month later

I like his scholastic development. The pace is handled well here. But I feel like the end could be more satisfactory. The point is valid, but maybe he could have some trepidation about living up to the potential that is expected of him as a college student? Something that could gnaw at our minds and make us feel some worry for him. It’s great that school has turned out so well for him, but where is the conflict?

11 – “…to take seats and quieten down.” quiet

“He’s on my politics course.” in?

Ahh young love. I like this story. But I thought Nicodemus had said he and Frankie would never see each other again after he left France? Or maybe he said they would never be friends again? I’ll have to look back.

12 – “…next year’s accommodation.” next years accommodations. Only people need possessive apostrophes.

I like that this is the first time we have seen Nicodemus’ father trusting him to make his own decision.

13 – You describe their house beautifully and perfectly. This chapter is simple, captivating and awesome.

14 – “It had by now, very much taken…” It had, by now, very much taken…

Nice set-up for the villain (Ben). I find myself quickly reading to find out what happens.

15 – Excellent description of how confusing his sexual relationship with Frankie was, and a good hook with “until I found true love in someone else.” Although, I feel like we were moving slowly towards the inevitable sexual relationship between them, and then all the sudden the tension dissipated in that one sentence. Maybe that’s good because the relationship itself feels like it will end in an anti-climatic way as well? I can’t decide yet.

I love how this chapter ends!

16 - I’ve really started to reflect on how far we’ve come, and I think you’ve handled the age progression well – it feels natural. The older version of Nicodemus reflects with a saddened loss of innocence on his childhood, and nostalgia for his college years. It’s lovely to read.

“...the spider that was once tapping at the outside of my head…was now inside…” No need for the pause between head and was. Same for “It was an unbearable sensation…ten times worse…” That could be a comma instead.

“…but other than that it normal enough.” was?

This chapter (other than the few nitpicks above) is absolutely perfect.

17 – I assume the phrase “we lied in her bed” is an intentional pun. It’s awesome.

During this entire chapter, especially after I read that they were still sleeping together, I kept thinking, “Fuck, Nick, just tell her!” I’m super involved in your characters now, which I think, is a pretty big compliment.

19 – How beautifully tragic. You’ve believably taken us from a tiny, innocent and loveable boy to this in under 35,000 words. I’m thoroughly impressed.

20 – Post the rest, damn it! :)

Katy
- The Promenade
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Prologue - This is the best example of a working prologue I’ve seen on this site. It piques the reader’s interest and raises more questions than it answers. It’s so rare to find one that is being used for the right purposes as opposed to helping the author simply set the stage or make the plot easier to digest. I truly can’t say enough positive things about this prologue.

At first I was mad that the dialogue had no markers and no direction – but by the end, I realized even that works. Well done. Also, the imagery you create of Nicodemus climbing the huge ladder with his frail body is beautiful. My only problem (and it’s small) is the overuse of the MC’s first and last name. After a few paragraphs, it bottlenecks the sentences, and I think you would do just fine calling him “he”.

1- I like that your prose is succinct and lyrical at the same time. Usually in a first person narrative, it’s extremely hard to make the writing sound lyrical and poetic, yet true to a realistic MC. I think you’ve done that well here. Your writing throughout the entire first chapter is impressive.

2 – I usually don’t like when an author “breaks the fourth wall” and addresses the reader. However, I know this can be done. It is not to my personal preference, but yours is brief, and I think it works.

“…because he interacted differently wit me to how he did with other people.” That sentence is awkward.

“A few decades later after the monarchy had collapsed. All of the…” That should be a comma

As you describe Jatt Monsoon, I think you should mention something about how awkward it was for him to tell his best friend’s son about his conception. You say he is boisterous and outlandish, which fits, but it just seems weird that a son would know so much about his parent's sexual habits, and I think you should address it.

I like the description of the lunar phases, especially after the prologue.

“I left nothing chance…” to chance?

Again, excellent and engaging prose.

3 – I like the way he talks about the moon up until the last sentence. The one that starts, “The reality that I will never…” is too much. I think it’s better to keep it subtle and end with his fascination with the moon and appreciation of its beauty.

“The only exception was maths,…” math?

“…like the rest of the class were.” I think it should be “was”.

Should it say they shared lunch instead of dinner?

I like the relationship he has with Francesca. It comes at a good time too – because I felt that you were almost at risk of losing the reader’s interest in Nicodemus around this time. Francesca brings in a fresh new storyline to keep us guessing.

I also like that this relationship hints at his future rebellion. This is what he points to as the start of the behavior that has caused him to look back on his life with sadness and guilt. It’s very well drawn.

4 – This is my favorite chapter. I love the (not-so)innocent childhood reverie of digging in the rain. And the tragedy of their lost friendship and terrible goodbye is wonderfully sad.

I hope to come back for more.

-Katy
The Promenade
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MMID
PLC Review

I want to preface this by saying that MMID is not the type of book that I would normally buy. I’m not a big “comedy” reader. Additionally, if there are more than three or four main characters that I have to remember, I find myself confused fairly early on. That being said, I enjoyed this novel in parts, and wanted to give it as best a shot as I could.

1 –

My first impression is that this novel is heavy on the adjectives and descriptions. It is a bit overwhelming and takes me out of the story a bit, but I’m not yet sure if this is part of the comedy or not. So I’ll touch on it later.

Something that very clearly (and, it seems, intentionally) “breaks the fourth wall” is the italic insertions that summarize the emotion in the coming scene. I’m not sure how I feel about these yet. They definitely add to the humor, especially the short one that tells us that Socorro is becoming morose. However, since I am not a comedy reader, I don’t feel comfortable praising or criticizing them. I just thought I would mention I found them funny, but also strange (or unique?), but I’m not sure what that means (this review will probably continue to be unhelpful. Feel free to scrap it!)

“…darted her a purpose-laden glance.” “Darted feels like an awkward verb to use there.

The scene with the Aspenall sisters is funny, and I found myself laughing out loud a few times. Either the adjectives and descriptions have lessened a bit, or I’ve gotten used to them and they slip into the story with greater ease.

I have one concern as I end chapter one, and that is that I frankly don’t care about any of these characters yet, even Socorro. I’m not sure if that is as important in a comedy as it is in classic lit fic, but I thought I’d mention it. I have the most hope for Socorro and Guerric being the two that I grow attached to, so I hope that happens.

Also, aside from Socorro’s long, red hair, I have no idea what anyone looks like. I don’t like to harp on that too much, because I think people often times put too much weight on knowing exactly what everyone looks like from the beginning, but a small impression would be nice.

2 –

I am beginning to care for these characters. I like the church scene and the priest with a lisp, and am starting to feel a true investment. The religious symbolism and Socorro’s reaction to a “sort-of” Catholic mass is comical yet gives me more of a sense of who she is.

The sisters are a little hard to keep straight, but I do like their names.

3 –

I don’t think you should refer to yourself as the narrator. In fact, I don’t think you should refer to yourself at all. The humor in this novel has merit, and I don’t think the reference to you as the writer adds anything. Unless, of course, you have some hilarious bit coming that makes this practice important…I’ll keep reading.

I am really enjoying your unique sense of humor. And I have to say that this is one of the best-paced novels I’ve read on here. It has just the right amount of intrigue and the story is laid out in a manageable and interesting way. It’s obviously very well done.

Again, I am not your type of reader, but if I had to guess, I would say this is appropriate for the genre it is placed in. It has a sort of intelligent and fast-paced humor that so many crave. I wish you the best with this, and am also slightly humbled by your skills : )

-Katy
The Promenade
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I really enjoyed this read. it reminded me a lot of "Prep" by Curtis Sittenfeld (which I enjoyed as well).

I felt like the characters were really well drawn. There were things I read and thought "that feels exactly like high school." You've done a great job building a believable youth culture. That being said, there were times I felt things were a bit on the cliche side. But then again, things are cliche because they happen.

I like the building suspense regarding what happened to Caroline before Paul Corbin arrived. I am desperate to know what was placed in her locker. With each horrible story, I keep wondering what could be worse than having your bra unsnapped at a dance, or being attacked by condoms as you open your locker. The pace is excellent throughout.

The love story is adorable and fun to read. It is essentially every girl's dream, but re-dressed and modern. I enjoyed it a lot.

The last thing I have to mention is small, but it is my biggest hang-up. There are too many cultural references. I don't mind them, especially since I love Bruce Springsteen and Harold and Maude, but I think it may date your novel. This is clearly publishable material, and I think it could last for many years. However, the fashion, music, celebrity, and media references may date it rather quickly into obscurity.

I wish you the best with this. It was a very enjoyable read and I hope to find time to come back and finish it.

-Katy
The Promenade. view book

PLC Review
Headless

I would like to preface this crit with the caveat that I knew from the beginning this would not be my "type" of book. That being said, there is clearly a lot to enjoy about this book and the talent shines through regardless of reader preference.

Firstly, had I been reading this book in a book store or library, I would have immediately stopped after the depiction of Jesus with an erection. I appreciate the message of the novel and the Orwellian-feel, and in many cases it works. But in this example, it was too off-putting and offensive.

Aside from that one example, the rest of your "future" I found humorous and fun to read. It was innovative, and although at times it felt like you were trying to be shocking for the sake of it, I found the majority to be a comical read. Additionally, there were times you were a bit to obvious. For example the lawyer's name is Atlas Rand. I think you should keep it to just Atlas, and then when you use the line "Atlas shrugged", the reader is less fore-warned that that allusion is coming, and I think it would land better.

My biggest problem with the novel was the extremely slow plot. I got to chapter five, and so far all that has happened is a bridge was built, a guy got his head re-attached and a CEO gave a speech. It is appropriate for the first chapter to be used to reveal this strange world to us, but after a five chapter investment, I would expect to have a driver for the plot. I don't feel like that has been offered yet.

The reason that I believe that none of my comments may matter is I know there are many science-fiction and futurist writers who read and write novels like this for the joy of exploring other's imaginative ideas and ironies. Obviously you have quite a following, and if I were you I wouldn't listen to me (and any others) who are just not your type of reader. I wouldn't expect a science fiction writer to enjoy my work, so I fear that I may be useless at helping you improve this book. In fact, it may not need improvement at all.

I wish you the best with this.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

A True Thug Willsin

Although I appreciate the double meaning in the title, I'm not sure it is the best choice. I think just simply naming it "Willsin" is interesting enough, and would have peaked my interest.

You have created a visceral start. It makes us feel uncomfortable at how young Willsin behaves, but also builds a sense of sympathy for him, as it is obvious his road thus far has not been easy.

There are a few typos, as some have mentioned, and you have the occasional tendency to repeat words. I also noticed that in your dialogue, you sometimes do not seperate characters into their own paragraphs. That can make it confusing and forces the reader to guess who is speaking. Additionally, I noticed that chapter three starts out in third person, and then quickly shifts back to first person without warning. This can be jarring and take the reader out of the narrative. These are small issues and can be easily ironed out. The more important question is whether or not the story has intrigue and drama. Obviously, it has both of these in droves.

The setting feels very authentic. You slip in descriptors about the city, the cars, the weapons, etc. in a very subtle and organic way. You obviously have done your research well, or know a lot about these types of things. I could easily see this story being made into a movie.

I wish you the best with this. Although not from Detroit specifically, I am a Michigan girl, and it's nice to read a story that feels so "close to home" so to speak.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

Firewall

The most stunning aspect of this book is its insight. In such a false and dellusional world, I felt genuine emotion and true understanding. Your MC seems to be the consumate observer, understanding himself and the women in his life better than he may realize.

My favorite chapter was the one depicting the death of his father. I have never read a more realistic narrative on the death of a loved one. The guilt, the awkwardness of an uneventful death; I could truly feel the ache and the emptiness. Very well done.

However, the entire book was full of brilliant observation and analysis. So many times I re-read something becuase it rang so true for me. I have no examples, but I felt this throughout. It seems you either took a very long time to write this, or you are just brilliant. Or both.

Bysshe is awesome. I love her (and your MC's) humor and sarcastic intelligence. It rings true especially for most of us on this site who are annoyed to death by "online english" and texting short-cuts. Your virtual world feels organic and (sadly) true to real life. The fact that Mark found it most appropriate to hide behind a women speaks to not only current online cluture in games such as Second Life, but also to his stalking of Violet. he knows it is incredibly invasive and absurd, but cannot stop. Therefore, he has to make this avatar as opposite to him as possible, because then it's almost like he isn't really doing it. I love it.

Having a shattered and self-defeating MC is a common motiff. Hell, I have one. Yet, Mark is the most authentic one I've read in a non-published novel. Usually, I have to suspend my disbelief when reading through the sordid details of their ridiculous lives - not with Firewall. He reminded me of Johnny Truant from House of Leaves. He is the perfect mix of wit, humor, and self-hatred and deprication. He's perfect.

I truly and honestly have absolutely nothing negative to say.

I wish you the very best of luck with this.

Katy
The Promenade view book

The Town that Danced

The strongest aspect of this book is the superb writing. Gripping and succinct when it is appropriate, yet poetic and captivating throughout. I love your descriptions. You create analogies that often liken things that seem completely different, yet work perfectly to create a sense of place. The pacing is, for the most part, a perfect fit for your plot, and by chapter three or four, I found myself unable to stop reading even if I had wanted to.

You've done an excellent job with a story that is extremely complex. The plot, while incredibly dramatic and interesting, is not necessarily one that is too hard to understand. Where I really see your talent is in the multitude of characters I feel I already intimately know. At first, I was worried that too many were introduced in far too great of detail for me to feel truly connected, but by the end of chapter two/chapter three, I felt firmly immersed in the story. Although you could go on for chapters about the individual lives and details of each character, you distill it down to the pertinent characteristics, behaviors, and life experiences that drive them, and the ones that make them memorable for us in just a paragraph or two. Truly impressive.

That being said, there are not any characters that I feel are weak or uninteresting. From George and his wife (and her possible murder scheme and mis-communicated lesbian affair) to the Cantonese family of three that owns a shop by Vincent's ice cream parlor - all hold my interest. Even the town and its scenery (which feels like a character in itself) is captivating. Because of this, when we switch our focus to someone new, I never feel a sense of boredom or desire to go back to the character I am most interested in - all of them are excellent.

And in reference to setting - the way we switch from scenery, to a specific character, to the national news and so on, feels as though I am looking through a set of binoculars, constantly adjusting my zoom on this tiny little town. It's a wonderful journey. I am not exactly sure what time this is set in - I'm not sure that matters. I was annoyed by it at first, but then it started to add to the mystery and surreal aspect of the book, so I actually began to like it.

I truly don't think I have anything negative to say. The only point I would make is that I felt lost at the beginning - worried that I was being introduced to so many characters that I wouldn't remember, and also didn't feel much of anything for, as the rapid-fire introduction of so many left my head-spinning. As I said, you rectify this quickly by making them all memorable and worthy of my attention, so I'm not sure it's a criticism (maybe just an observation). If there is a way you could add a little more to the beginning plot-wise, as opposed to (what feels like) a group of character introductions, that might help. I would worry that a reader may read the first chapter or two and feel too over-whelmed to continue. Then again, the best novels are not for those who would like to shut off their brains while reading.

I wish you the best of luck with this. I'm sure it will see the desk soon.

-Katy
The Promenade view book

The World is (Not) a Cold Dark Place

I am going to just jot notes as I go, so sorry if this seems a little disjointed.

“…unwanted social interaction is its own very specific brand of violence.” Brilliant. I was completely immersed by then.

There was no need to suspend my disbelief, or look for the intrigue here. I was captivated be your MC from the beginning, and he just kept getting better for me. He reminded me a little of Johnny in House of Leaves.

I like his stream of consciouness-esque dialogue. With the constant repetition of the mantra “show don’t tell” ringing in our ears, you give us a story that is told beautifully, and works perfectly for its structure and plot. It’s unique and different and enamoring. Well done.

I love his relationship with his therapist, and how he sees it as a power struggle to ask invasive questions. That’s hilarious.

Although socially awkward and the type of person that most people (including me) would find annoying, I feel a sense of desperate hope for him. I already find myself searching for the hint of his possible redemption.

I don’t like that he calls cigarettes “ciggies”. I don’t know why, but it just bothered me. I didn’t see that type of vocabulary coming from the person I (thus far) understand him to be. It may be a slang term I am not familiar with though, as I’m on the other side of the world.

The introduction to the physical ramifications of his OCD is good. I have a tiny nit-pick though – I don’t like that he adjusts the light three times. Three just seems like such a stereotypical number for a story about a guy with OCD. In this type of story, you can sometimes find yourself very close to a cliché. I haven’t felt that at all yet, so the number three just kind of jumped out at me. Or maybe this is silly and I have no idea what I’m talking about…that’s very possible.

Also, this little scene includes a lot of sentences that being with “I”, which can get kind of repetitive. The procedural aspect of it is good, so you wouldn’t want to sacrifice that. If you can find a different way to do it, though, it might be worth a shot.

While reading the last line of chapter 4, I misread, and thought it said “…in here I am living.” Instead of “…in here I am king.” I kind of liked the irony of it.

In chapter five, I think Gary would dare to compare his plight to a man in a wheelchair. He is selfish, angry, and depressed. That part didn’t ring true for me.

The thing I like the best about him is that there is an aspect of him that anyone can relate to. Some of this things he does and says we find shocking and rude, but then once in awhile he’ll do something awkward, or admit a feeling, and we as the reader thing, “Holy shit, I’ve felt like that before.” It’s always fun to make your reader wonder if they are a an asshole, and how close to crazy they might be.

If Darren and Aimee are dating, and they are Gary’s only friends, then it doesn’t make sense to say that Jimmy was the only friend in their “circle” to have regular girlfriends.

I love the depravity of the city, and how you describe it. It’s tragic, but light at the same time. That’s quite a feet.

I’m starting to think that Gary is not just scared of social situations, but also gets a weird pleasure from telling people off and saying how he truly feels during his “outbursts”. It’s the only time he can be honest, and then when he blames it on his various disorders, it maintains a level of social acceptability. It’s really manipulative and fascinating to read. I wish I could talk to people this way sometimes!

I love that his friends are more effective therapists than his actually therapist. It is so interesting to have “both sides” of a mental disorder so clearly fleshed out. We see and understand the frustration and resentment of others, as well as get inside the mind of the person afflicted. I feel ambivalent about Gary as well, alternating between sympathy and disdain. It feel very accurate.

The cleaning of his apartment is awesome. I do think you should clarify that he is smoking the cigarettes outside. Maybe have him walk out to the front stoop or something.

By the way, urine is only sterile up to the point it leaves the bladder. It becomes contaminated in the urethra before exiting the body. Not sure if that’s what you meant.

Excellent scene where Gary destroys the chair. And the following chapter in which he complains that his generation doesn’t feel like they need to work is great as well. It is so ironic I actually giggled a little bit. I like that we are moved with his mood. When he gets in a funk, or has a bad day, we feel it through his rants. It’s a clever way to truly put us in his head.

You do repeat the word “seemingly” a bit here, and throughout the text. It is not over-bearing, it’s just something I noticed.

Also, I wanted to point out that some of your cultural references are alienating to me, being from the United States, but I’m not sure if that matters to you.

-Katy
The Promenade
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Sunflower

1 – A great showcase to your excellent writing. Striking first chapter. The only issue I have is that the last sentence doesn’t seem to relate to any of the other information we’ve received, and therefore doesn’t give me as strong a hook as it could.

Your story-telling only gets better. New characters are introduced and interwoven seamlessly. Even the smallest of interactions lends great characterization to all the parties involved. I like how each character builds off the next one. At first you are jarred by a new name, but then you are grounded by the last interaction you saw and how it relates to where you currently find yourself. It is very clever and intriguing writing. I like the term you use too: daisy-chained. That describes it perfectly.

4 – I like how you give details about a small object, add some story, and then bring everything full circle with that object. In this instance, it’s the coffee cup which seems inconsequential, and then you use it to bring home the story of his deceased wife, saying he keeps his clothes separate and washes them a little more often than the cup. It’s a great technique and it feels as if you’ve waved the cup over the scene and illuminated his whole life.

I have one concern at this point: I really haven’t got enough “stuff” to care too much about any of the characters yet. The hook in chapter one was good, but by five, it has lost its hold on me, and I’m looking for a solid feel of where we are headed.

7 – Your dialogue here (and throughout) is excellent. It feels very real and organic. I like the description of the metal work. I don’t know anything about this kind of art, and it’s not something you read about often. It was interesting.

8 – I like the interaction between Michael, Roddy and Carlos.

What I have really noticed in your writing is your attention to detail. Every thing you add is important and telling. I feel “in” the story, so to speak, and I never find myself asking where I am or what things look like. The setting is excellent.

I’m not sure how I feel about Michael and Jess’ relationship though. I can’t tell if they are really comfortable around each other, or just no longer passionate about each other. They are likeable, though, so I’d be willing to wait to learn more about them.

Again, the only thing that is bothering me is the lack of emotional attachment I feel to the characters. This is especially so with Michael, who I feel I should be thoroughly taken by at this point. Maybe it’s just me, but the story about his business partner leaving and his inability to create the artistic masterpieces that they once made is just not enough. And we didn’t really get much information about the deceased wife, which I think could have really made me feel connected to him. I’m sure this emotional development occurs at some point in the story, but I feel it should happen earlier.

Additionally, although it adds suspense to start with Katie’s story and Ted’s POV of Michael, we don’t see them again for awhile, and so that hook is lost as we slowly forget what we read about them.

I really, really like this story, the writing, and the pitch. I think it might just be a bit out of order, or may move a little too slow for me. But there are plenty of books (and readers) who prefer "slow" and character/behaviour driven openings, so I can see the commercial potential in this. Basically, I’m trying to say that this review may seem negative, but I don’t want it to. It’s a really good novel, and I do like it.

Sorry for the late return read! I wish you the best,
Katy
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