Chpt 2 -

"I was supposed to sprint towards the spot where John told me Aiden would catch the ball." This confused me. I'm not sure how John could know where that next spot was. Was he on Aiden's team and feeding her information about the next play to come? If so, that was unclear and gave me pause.

Regan' oldest brother John (dropped s? Regan's)

Bill
view book

yarg

Chris,

Your writing is clean so I didn't have much to comment on. I just made a two notes about places in where I stopped, to think about things, long enough that it disrupted the flow of reading.
And one paragraph where I thought the action was great but there was a spoiler phrase telling us what was happening.

Best of luck with your writing
Bill

Chpt 1-
My ADHD brain sometimes sends me scurrying to look things up. I didn't know if aluminum would conduct electricity. If it had been metal boat instead of aluminum canoe I wouldn't have batted an eye and kept reading.

I'd say losing this phrase "a lightening bolt strikes close by" Makes the paragraph alot more interesting. As in Before I can give it a second thought, the whole sky lights up . . .

Chapter 2-

I paused wondering how long they had been out there and how long it had been raining that the flood waters would soon crest the ten foot bank they'd climbed. view book

I type as I go. So once I got to the end of one. I realized I completely misjudged the age of your protagonist. Her crush on the neighbor made me think she was maybe sixteen, by the end of the chapter one was thinking five or six. It left me feeling creepy, some of what I wrote ( ie breath on face. no longer applies.) I wonder if the age was clear to others. Sorry if what's below is all sucky advice. I had time for one chapter tonight. If it was any help at all I can read more. Hope all is well on the east side. I'm way east now. Back in Arkansas, I miss Seattle.
====

sojourns - I'm an old adult and I had to look it up.

"Whatever our ages" - do you need this? (NOW I'M thinking you may need to spell it out)

I really like the line "Whatever it made me is what I am today." very nice, so powerful. I wish the preceding bit was tighter, some excess words cut. I'm not rewriting just taking out words.
-- He tried his best to love me, realized he couldn't, and it made him sad.

"and scraped my skin against and the sand" === something's off here. typo with the and, confusing.

Would a teenager think uninjured palm or good hand?

I don't think you need phrases like "I could see." ie I could see the tiny hairs… I could see sweat beading on his nose. If you just write - Sweat beaded on his nose, forehead and upper lip, His tongue moved . . . We know she's seeing it because she is telling us. It also allows you to go from the more passive ing verb to a more active ed verb. "Seemed" is also passive IMHO. You're the author don't make it seemed, make it powerful and real. --His face, so large, peered into mine, the tiny hairs above his upper lip some darker than others.

The story is here. I can see them face to face and I'm holding my breath wondering does she feel is breath on her face. But lines like "Then he did the strangest thing.' Seem like author intrusion. I want to know what he did without the set up.
Another "I could now see."
People in my world don't speak in well constructed sentences. So some of the dialogue comes off as stilted for me. "Could you look into the light." He's older than her. I'd think he'd just say "Look into the light. I can't see the last few bits." Again I hang out with people who don't speak in full sentences.

Blankie . . read me a story- I think I just underestimated how young this girl is. I all of the sudden feel creepy. I guess I assumed the Hans Christian Anderson story telling was when she was a child and her crush on Christopher had been as a teenager. view book

YARG
I wish I could give you as helpful of a critique as you gave me, but I'm afraid I can't. I made notes in hopes that you might find at least one thing useful. I was honestly a bit confused. I always felt like I just needed one more piece of the puzzle to make things clear. I understand you're building suspense and don't want to expose everything at once, but it would be nice to know who the players are. If Della doesn't know who they are, then explain how she ran into them, the context, some description to ground me to them.

Chpt 1-

I'm a big fan of as few dialogue tags as possible. But I could have used one or two more in chpt 1, or some other indication through action as to who was speaking. "She" is never named. By the end of the chapter I'm assuming she must be an hallucination.

Find him and ask him what he wants. — sounds dangerous, obviously not the advice of a friend.

Chpt 2 - I like the first sentence but the word order seems off. — put my fingers into the soft, wet, fleshy part of my throat — especially since the next sentence uses "down" again.

Wondering if you need the line "Katie is bulimic." The rest of the paragraph spells it out pretty clearly.

Chpt3

How do cars pass anxiously?

...if he hangs out with me, no amount of people skills will save him." Nice line. :)

"tones of forced jollity." jollity? Is that a common UK word. didn't seem too YA, but it may just be a US thing.

OK. I almost didn't mention this, but I was confused with the last paragraph. What happens if/when she turns the fans off. (is that the air conditioner) What truth is she avoiding what is she going to ask. Is this intentionally suspenseful? It left me confused. I went back and re-read to see if I missed something.

Chapt 4

—You made my heart stop- "They said Jemma had pretended to be my friend because she was 'pushing her boundaries'. So cruel.

—This conversation from chapter one :

perhaps he's protecting you.
by killing people
three of them hurt you in some way

Gave me the impression this was the first time it had occurred to Della.

But by this "...it thought Jemma would be safe . . .the people who had died had all hurt or upset me in some way" I guess not.


At this point "she" the woman that asks questions. And 'the man" who I assume is the person killing people are starting to become too obscure and confusing for me. She was just there and was frightening. I can't figure out why. A physical description may help, that she knows or doesn't know her, etc.

best
Bill view book

Really nice. I usually take notes, but I honestly don't have anything to add. It's amazing and makes me want to burn everything I've ever written. I did jot down a few things that really aren't of much importance, but were places that I had to stop for a sec.

chpt1
Jug of warm lemon squash must be a UK thing. Sounds horrible.

chpt2
A chair that had been scraped in front of us. Scraped threw me. I was trying to figure out why he would scrape the chair. I finally took it to mean he'd pushed it across the floor as in scraped across the floor.

Matthew was the further back. I imagine this is proper English, but it read weird to me. Probably because I am improper.

chpt 4
I didn't understand what made Matt and Claire like the miners. Is it because they're closed off, hidden?
I really like the line that they weren't trying not to leave marks, but as you say, that made them unlike the miners. view book

YARG

My critiques always focus on what doesn't work for me. That's the info I want from readers because it allows me to revaluate and change things if I deem it fit. Disregard what doesn't ring true to you.


prologue- Raises a lot of questions. What experiments? What secrets? Who I Shimaku? I had to know so I kept reading. Nice set up.

First sentence reads — "When the Sower discovered Our secret . . ." Last sentence of the paragraph. "What is she planning?" From your tutorial at the beginning Sowers referred to the Sanomi people. So the she ( an individual) threw me. I've now taken it to mean "when the Sower, Shimaku, discovered our secret . . ." You might see if it is unclear to others as well.

Chpt

She put her leather helmet back on. (do you need onto her head? where else would she put it?)

I see Shimaku is not Sower (see above)

When we get to "How we humans envy the ability of the Wu-shi to fly" I'm jarred wondering who's pov we're in. The paragraph before seemed to be third person omniscent, now it seems as if a human is telling the story and details she could only know if there. I'll read on and see if it becomes clear. Also I find that, for me included, that the more you try to explain the unbelievable the less believable it becomes. I love the idea of a flight gland in the midriff. You had me right there. When you further explain I become more skeptical. The idea of the antigravitron cells is nice too. The simplier the better. The next two paragraphs also seem to be intrusive backstory. The story seems to stop then restart at "She dropped down."

"Suit them, that would," — I heard Yoda's voice. Took me out for a moment.

Macropol as a giant octupus was a nice image.

Chpt1 continued -

Unless the description of the roadhouses and IT complex are integral to moving the plot forward, you might do a trim or give us the details when it is significant to the action. There is so much description it becomes overwhelming and I forget what we are doing until we get to the meat of the problem — they need to find Shimaku's father. Shortly after all the description the real story starts and it is interesting, bot the details and questions it raises.

Chapter 2

I had trouble with this sentence. — And with someone from head office coming tomorrow . . . " Leila turned away distractedly, muttering worriedly to herself." As it trails off I picture the " . . . " to mean you "You know what I mean" and she would. Why would she turn away muttering? And the two adverbs are awkward. May be me, but definitely worth a re-read, perhaps out loud.



I think you've got the bones of a great story. For my tastes it needs to be trimmed of some of the backstory, detailed description, and unnecessary words.

Best
Bill view book

Kenneth,

Superbly written. I take notes as I read on places where I pause. There were only two.


"His right side throbbed, infection at work" -This threw me a bit. How much time has passed. Had he been trudging through the jungle for hours? If so, I couldn't tell from the narrative. Seemed as though the bullet had just grazed him, not nearly enough time for infection to set in, even in a Jungle.

"There was a haiku somewhere in the spilled guts, he thought." — gave me pause, it was the only moment of disbelief I had in an otherwise believable, fast-paced, well-written action scene. It's probably just me.

Bill. view book

I enjoyed this. I like Kitty in all her darkness. Only had time for chapt one, but I'll have to come back and see what happens with the dress and the party.

I make notes as I read. Usually it's the things that gave me pause or stopped the flow. disregard if you like.

-----

downhill gallop is as nothing — the "as" in this sentence threw me.

though a haze of blue smoke — through?

When you narrate that the next thing is about to happen, it comes off as over-written. Just let it happen. example --you don't need (imho) what i've put in the { }. —— Unluckily, I have no time to savour it because {the next thing that happens is} the doorbell's ferocious jangle makes me . . ."

I follow her out of the room and down the graceful, curved, staircase with its gleaming hand rail, pale lemon . . . If we're inside Kitty's head (she's telling the story) I can't imagine when she thinks of her stairs/house (even though the description may be true) she would just think I followed her down the stairs. It seems an intrusion by the author to set the scene, if that makes sense.

I cut my father a look we go past - word missing? as?

One lens covered with a black patch. — Would his eye be covered or the lens. Hard to picture if the glasses are patched, how he'd get them off his face.

best,
Bill view book

As with the first book you posted, clean writing and enjoyable story. I jotted a few notes as I read in hopes they would be of some use to you. If not, please discard.

Chpt 2

Hear-A-Lotters (capital a/l) seems more like how a company would market/brand something if it was a product on a shelf. (I understand it's not.)

I stumbled a bit on "Great," said Mom. She probably meant paranoid …"

You might putting the two lines — "I was? Was Dad . . ." and "Hey, Finn…. — in the same paragraph. The more people thinking and talking without dialogue tags, the more difficult it is to follow.

"Oh yeah," he told me — at first I thought Dad told Finn. Not finn told Ladle.

I had no boobs. Not even one. :) :)

The line about the presidents seemed a bit off for me. It didn't work as well as the rest of the back and forth between Elwood and Livy, which is great.

Chpt 3

. . . he'd come home. We'd live happily ever after." — I got the impression he was still packing when they left for school and this was the sort of thing that happened all the time, but he never left. Seems they wouldn't have a chance to know he truly left yet and if she thought he was going to she might have been more concerned.

You echo "super-sized" two paragraphs in a row. that along with seem twice in the first one might warrant a re-read.


Good start,
Bill view book

John,

You've got another fine tale here. It was nice to read some of your handiwork again. Your descriptions are still spot on. My two favorites — While his shirt and bow tie looked fresh, his brown suit sagged from textile exhaustion.
She had one of those high-pitched nasal voices that could send a person packing.

I took a few notes and will message you with them.

Bill view book

Hard to tear myself away. Great work. view book

Al,

Your stories are always so much fun to read. In the forums I saw you post that this was still a work in progress and you wanted feedback. I hesitate to point anything out to such a seasoned writer, but really these are more of things I stumbled on as a reader.

"Tentative but precise." Made me pause. I had to think too hard about how darting eyes were both tentative and precise.

She pushed the yellow plastic entrance button." My assumption was Maxine buzzed her in, so I was a little confused that she was both surprised to see her Mom and wasn't expecting the knock. The button/buzz sequence must be somehow different than the way my apartment works.

Sorry, this is crass, but when I saw "Elvin Tait." I could get 'elven taint' out of my head.

"not a dictated one" she must be intelligent, It seemed rather old, something a mom might say.

I had to go back and re-read. She was a "spoiled brat" but "homeless." I was certain she had an apartment. I think I understand now that she is without a home. a sense of place, but does have living quarters. It threw me. When I read it the second time I realized I just didn't get it the first time around as you obviously had explained it.

chpt 2

The the one "smart" and two "smarter than" didn't bother me. but I found the third one — "he was smarter than everyone else" — too much. I think you could stop at He and he alone deserved her wealth.

I liked the image of the sterile, pine-scented hospital, but something bothered me about "sterile hospital." My head went to infertile. . . .compound — sterile, just like a hospital. Just a thought.

I knew she had Elvin Tait's name, but when did she get his plates?

Best of luck AL,
I've a good feeling you're about to bust out of this joint.

Bill view book

Saw your thread. I loved The Cynics. Sorry, I can't give you a helpful critique. I would suggest you develop it into a full length play. The two women are a hoot. I'd love to see them at the funeral, befriending the killer and character witnesses at her trial. view book

I saw your post in the forums. Something about the cover made me smile. Here are few notes I took as I read.


"told her word for word what I just witnessed" — odd for me, word for word is usally reserved something said not seen . . . word for word what I heard,read,etc

one years old - year or years?

nans house- Nan's house, I believe it's correct to have a lower case n when you say my nan's house, but when using it as a name ( we went to Nan's house) I think it should be capitalized and in this case possessive.

agreed hallways are creepy

I'd never seen the terms clairaudient and clairsentient - great words

I would make m way to here room - typos

I got chills when Jimmy was lonely and came to take one of the children. Love it that he lives in the cavities of walls.

I think there are some great story details here. I wish it was written in more of novel format. The way it is now it's like a laundry list of things that happened — first this happened, then this, etc

Best,
Bill view book

FCCG

In my reviews I usually point out where I get confused or if something seems off to me. It's more valuable than praise, but in the end it's all just my opinion.

I got confused in the first paragraph. The first sentence says sleepy Chris will be awake before the hour's up. The second says "he pleads his case before my brother." Is 'he' sleepy Chris, is he asleep or pleading his case?

Is sandman Nate?

whine, not wine

"Nate's fingers curl up like a carnivorous plant with the weight of it, prodding at the webbing . . ." Not sure what this meant. In particular "with the weight of it" Did you mean the weight of Chris hand triggered Nate's fingers to curl up? It's unclear the way it's written.

opaque seemed like an odd adjective for squawking

I ain't her momma, she ain't my job. comma splice

sexless toddler body is weird

"feel kicking" is this right?

Their footprints as they walk ahead of me . . . you might re-read this sentence. I believe your modifier is misplaced and "were lift" seems off.

Your Author's note asks for explanation as to why, if read, Stains wasn't added to my bookshelf. The books on my shelf rarely change. I've three others that I think are very worthy of shelf space and have I hard time working them into rotation. While your writing is very colorful, phrases such as — "the dawn stirs threateningly, she ejaculates the words, she draws a long breath that sucks all the oxygen from the woods" — seemed either overwritten or were trying too hard.

Best,
Bill view book

FCCG

CN,

This is way outside my normal comfort zone, but I enjoyed the underwater world you've created and would be very interested to watch it on the screen. A lot of the terminology was foreign to me, but I'm sure regular Sci-Fi readers will do fine with it. Overall it was clean. I'll point out the few areas where I got confused. I'm not sure if it is a clarity issue in the way the passages are written or my lack of experience in the genre. Either way, I took notes and you can do whatever you want with them.


" . . .hissed open to admit Arthur into the presence of a skeletal hag." This briefly stopped me -the doors hissed open to admit him to - just by the wording I was expecting a place, not a person, normally I would know what a skeletal hag is, but in this instance it confused because I was expecting a room, or building. I get it now, it just stopped me and I had to re-read several times.


"The pack closed in for the kill, but the figure gestured, sending them slinking away into the night." I stumbled a bit here too. Was the pack moving in to kill the cross-legged robed figure or is someone else being chased by wolves. It wasn't very clear. Ok it's explained more as I read on, but it was overly confusing for me in the moment and broke cadence.

spewing ng dusty? didn't get the ng. If it's nanogram, which is what came up when i typed it in, then it would seem weird he could measure something so small and if he could I don't know why it's important. Again, may just be my lack of knowledge with the genre.

Oh squid shit :) :)

Best
Bill view book

FCCG

We all have different things to offer in critiques. I find it useful when people point out where they stumble or what seemed off. That way I can see what needs tightening. Ignore anything you disagree with. They are just my opinions and are meant to help.

Loved the first bit in italics. But then it seems the story didn't start again until the next part — "I strolled through the . . ." The second section almost caused me to stop reading. Having now finished the first chapter, I realize its purpose was to introduce the necklace. It really only needs a sentence. I would think you want to get to WOLVES ROAM WIDDENMOOR much more quickly. Thats where my ears pricked up. I rubbed the pendant that hung from my neck and stared at the headline. Your words will be better but just a thought. WOLVES ROAM WIDDENMOOR

I NOTICED I was wearing the necklace . . . This was odd to me. I'm not sure I can properly explain it, but it's like saying "I saw a bird land on the fence" as opposed to "a bird landed on the fence." It's the characters pov so if she's telling it we know she's seeing it. Same feeling with "I noticed someone at the end of the corridor." alternative — Someone was at the end of the corridor, but whoever...

Now Ben had a work experience placement at the centre. -- This didn't translate very well for this US reader. After reading four or five times, I assumed "work experience placement" is like an internship. I'm sure it reads normal to a UK audience.

Best
Bill view book

FCCG

Lisa,

We all have different critique styles. Most people point out what they loved a bout a piece. I point out where I stumble or what I didn't understand because I find that to be most useful a writer can get from a reader.

I like epistolary works. I usually don't read the pitch, but stopped midway through the first chapter to read yours. I was looking for insight as to whether these were 18th century americans, Druids, or some an unknown civilization on another planet. I like the voice in the letter, but couldn't decide if they were a CHILDREN OF THE CORN type religious sect or magical beings. I was thinking the latter until the phrase - "All is well that ends well." Which as you know is most famous for being the title of a Shakespearean play but was a 16th century proverb prior to that. So I settled on sometime post 17th century in our known world. But then there was more fantasy and I thought it unlikely these characters knew Shakespeare.


The wise ones signs - maybe possessive --> one's, if it's a proper name you might consider capitalizing it.



"She smelt like the sea." This line made me stop. It seemed more like something the author wanted to tell than something the writer of the journal entries could possibly know, at least from the image I got. I pictured them all standing in a ring with the two girls in the center at least 5-7 feet away. Given my presumed distance and the fact that there were two of them, If there was a sea smell, could he smell it? How did he know which of the two it was coming from?"

Best of luck,
hope there is something helpful in my ramblings.

Bill view book

FCCG

Jet, I read your first chapter a few times, wrote a comment, then almost deleted it because I seemed to babbling.
In the end I think most of it was over my head so disregard any and all of what's below. You might check out Schrödinger's Caterpillar on here, people love it, but it was another one that was too complex for me.

------

- "wishing away one’s own time was a
blatant disrespect to their mortality." - My bf makes a similar comment everytime I say someyhing like I can't wait until tomorrow.


I had to read this chapter slowly, and a couple of times. Moving this sentence, or something like it, to the top might help set the scene. — Of the twelve luminaries
inhabiting 413 this morning, he was probably the brightest —

When I got to the "Based in Charlotte . . ." paragraph I started thinking of Microsoft/PATH/Gates foundation and wondered if you were some Microsoft genius and all of this was going to be too technical for me to leisurely read

“It’s probably just a dead cat.” - Funny, I got the Schrodinger refereence

The concept is great. I'm sure there is a market for it. For me, I'd probably be overwhelmed by the details to thouroughly enjoy the bigger picture of what the story is about.

Good luck, and thanks for your input on my TITLE POLL thread.

Bill view book

FCCG

We all have different things to offer in reviews. I usually point out where I stumble or got lost. It doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the writing.

"Jinger would find out what that something was when she realized she hadn't seen it for a long time." — This was unclear, did you mean this —

Jinger wouldn't find out what that something was until she realized she hadn't seen it for a long time. (my computer autocorrects to US spelling, not trying to correct your s in realize.)

I didn't get the immediate visual 'tiny shell." Barnacle might be a clearer word choice.

Pupils were not required . . . Jennifer thought was very strange." This sentence seemed off to me. I think it was the complexity and the combination of not and until. "Pupils were required to arrive at ten o'clock at night for a late meal . . ." I don't know. Read yours aloud and see if it seems awkward.

Jinger seems over confident about her rucksack compared to the girls satchels, especially since her sister already told her no one has that kind of rucksack.

The thought of a town with its own moon made me daydream for a while. Not sure how it's possible, hopefully more about this later.


It's certainly easy to root for Jinger. You've made her a very likable character.

Bill view book