bill scott recent comments

written 297 days ago
cherry

written 7 hours ago

Hi
This is superb, I have given you a full six stars and placed you on my watch list.
Cheers
John Stearn
Author of Derilium view book
report abuse
written 7 hours ago

Hi
This is superb, I have given you a full six stars and placed you on my watch list.
Cheers
John Stearn
Author of Derilium view book
report abuse
written 7 hours ago

Hi
This is superb, I have given you a full six stars and placed you on my watch list.
Cheers
John Stearn
Author of Derilium view book
report abuse
written 7 hours ago

Hi
This is superb, I have given you a full six stars and placed you on my watch list.
Cheers
John Stearn
Author of Derilium view book
report abuse
written 7 hours ago

Hi
This is superb, I have given you a full six stars and placed you on my watch list.
Cheers
John Stearn
Author of Derilium view book view book

written 302 days ago
cherry

John,

I approached a woman in a bar, smiled and said, "This page is not in the book. It is included for word count only."
She immediately got hot in her pants, you know, down there. Long story short, now it burns when I pee. Did I read the sentences wrong?

Bill view book

written 304 days ago
cherry

Well done, Ted. You're beyond any advice I could give.

Bill view book

written 306 days ago
cherry

Your book has been mentioned quite a bit in the forums, so I stopped in for a read. Warning, I am not well read in SciFI. You are obviously a talented writer. I only pointed out the places that gave me pause. I think that's the most valuable information we can have as writers. Your readership may not stumble at all and everything below may be rubbish. Use it or discard.

Best
Bill

Chapter 1

"… success rate with the Ladies." Is this supposed to be capitalized. fragrant females wasn't. Seems you know what you're doing, just seemed off to me, so thought I'd point it out.


Chapter 2

"The stutter told her just how frightened she was." She should know her degree of fright. The stutter should tell Jones. Or it should expose or betray her fright.

The imagery of the ship with all the people in suspended animation was great, an updated version of coma. I pictured a giant hive in the sky.

Not every book is for every reader. I like the parts with the ship, but for me the cat parts don't sit right with me. Partly, I don't like cats (sorry). But they seemed to be anthropomorphized, which is preferable to me but had intermittent cat features that made it hard for me to see them human like.I'm not trying to get you to change this, but you should know where you lose some/one reader.
examples- Arched back and snarling teeth, fur licking
-- head down on the desk (are they domestic sized cats or tiger sized? if they're domestic, would they have a human sized desk, one big enough to get on top of, if they're tiger sized would they get up on a desk.,

I don't know what EVA is - don't read much sic fi.

Chapter3

In my head the twenty thousand people in suspended animation were still alive. The reveal that after they exited the worm hole 9/10 had died, although beautifully written, left me scratching my head and I had to go back and re-read where Jones had woken her up. Seems if things were that imminent she would have scrambled immediately to the glass pods.
view book

written 312 days ago
cherry



Lara, I got your message and read a bit of Speechless. I tend to gravitate to reads that are more terse and to the point. I suspect I am not your intended reader. This is more of a literary read where people are enjoying the words and character development. I'm more of a plot and action guy. I took a couple of notes where things seemed off to me. It doesn't mean they're off for everyone, just where I disconnected from the story. Disregard all of it if it doesn't ring true to you and the story you're telling.

Best,
Bill

The 'prawns life cycle' and 'taken away in the morning, totally congealed' - made me disconnect from whatever passion was supposed to be building.

Sorry, but the conversation on the phone (chpt 2) between Katherine and the Headmistress was a bit dramatic for what ever it is that had happened. Sorry again, but searchingly, helplessly, and ran from the room and up the stairs gave it a soap opera feel. And Katharine's disbelief that her child could do no wrong didn't make her very likable.

The sentence with "w[r]inkled" t-shirt seems off you might want to re-read it. Often just when something is about to happen the flow is interrupted by an unnecessary, in my opinion detail, like a characters clothing, scarf, or home details.

Some of the chapters are labeled and some are not. Chapter three is labeled two and chapter six is five. Im guessing maybe one is a prologue and two is one. view book

written 325 days ago
cherry

Your book was mentioned in the forums. It looks like you're do a review in the very near future. I usually just point out the areas where I stumbled. I think that's what benefits people most. HC won't hold any punches, so if something could possibly be off, best to know about it ahead of time. Of course these are all just my opinions, if something doesn't ring true to you, by all means, disregard it.

Best
Bill

— her eyes flickered toward the horse-hair sofa … for me, the addition of horse-hair was more in the author's head and less in the character's (if that makes sense.)

— "she thought bitterly" Do you need this. If we are in her head we know it's her thought. I guess I'm not quite sure of the pov yet.

terrorisation — seemed modern to me, especially for 1853 when people are using thee. I found terrorize (US spelling) 1823 as the first reference so you may not be far off, but it gave me pause. fyi

I stumbled over this sentence.Not sure if it is the punctuation or just a UK/US disconnect.
"It was as she placed a slice of bread [,] smeared thinly with pork dripping[,] in front of him that her whole world had come crashing down around her." (had come was awkward to me as well. My punctuation skills are D+ at best. But the sentence lacked clarity for me.

I would have been OK with stared and frowned the 'had' stared and 'had' frowned made it less immediate for me. ( same for had been cut off) I realize now we are backtracking to explain him beating her at the beginning of the chapter, but it is not easy on the eye.

"it was pointless asking him to fetch help now . . ." That this would even have occurred to her mid-beating is a bit of a disconnect for me.

constant and wave also seem a bit disconnected. I'm typing as I'm reading so, if this is labor the pains/contractions should be intermittent. They can be relentless, but if they are constant, then she is likely is having a placental abruption ( which could very well happen in this situation.) I'll read on.

which was squeezing her upper arm painfully . . . clamped one of her breasts painfully — a bit of an echo here. I try not to be the adverb police, but you could do with a trim.

This dialogue seems real today. I'm just not sure it does for 1853 — a bit too modern. "God, I hate you. I wish you were dead. You're an animal. I feel sick just looking at you, you despicable bastard." view book

written 326 days ago
cherry

You do a great job at raising questions and not answering them immediately so we are forced to read on. I think you could tighten the story by going through and taking out any over-explanations or unnecessary words.

I'm never one to heap praise, instead I focus on what didn't work for me. That's the info I want from others. Below are the places that gave me pause. Hopefully you will find something of use, which is the point of peer review.

Best
Bill


Chpt 1-

Seemed a little odd the new arrivals didn't ask what happened? How'd she get the cut?

Chpt 2-

"but of course I always keep my eyes open for other medicinal plants while I'm at it." — didn't ring true as dialogue.

No an expert on punctuation, but you may need a comma here. "Wringing her hands[,] she began" Or change it to the less passive and let us know who she is Cardea wrung her hands and began . . .

I'm a bit lost on the POV in the chapters. But it does seem that after the ### we are in Hanna's. If she is remembering, she would not think her 'chestnut' hair she would just think her hair. Adding chestnut is intrusion by the Author trying to set the scene.

"perhaps she was still asleep" Sorry, didn't ring true to me, nor did the bit that followed about dark magic and laughing in spite of herself. May just be me.

Chapter 3

Direct them at one of us — or 'to' one of us.

careful with the exclamation points!

"He intentionally refrained from saying dead" again if we are in Hanna's point of view she could not know this. She also couldn't know the colour had drained from her face.

landed in his palm [.] Hanna jumped (period here?)

didn't think twice about interlocking arms with her. Hanna is coming of as more of a sweet 10 or 11 year old to me, not a surly pubescent teen (every 14yr old girl I've met … sorry, true.)

her hysteria would be more believable if it builds. Her emotions/moods at times seem to erupt in an unbelievable way.

Hanna nodded dumbly. No, I like Hanna, don't make her nod dumbly. view book

written 337 days ago
cherry



Chpt 2 -

"I was supposed to sprint towards the spot where John told me Aiden would catch the ball." This confused me. I'm not sure how John could know where that next spot was. Was he on Aiden's team and feeding her information about the next play to come? If so, that was unclear and gave me pause.

Regan' oldest brother John (dropped s? Regan's)

Bill
view book

written 338 days ago
cherry

yarg

Chris,

Your writing is clean so I didn't have much to comment on. I just made a two notes about places in where I stopped, to think about things, long enough that it disrupted the flow of reading.
And one paragraph where I thought the action was great but there was a spoiler phrase telling us what was happening.

Best of luck with your writing
Bill

Chpt 1-
My ADHD brain sometimes sends me scurrying to look things up. I didn't know if aluminum would conduct electricity. If it had been metal boat instead of aluminum canoe I wouldn't have batted an eye and kept reading.

I'd say losing this phrase "a lightening bolt strikes close by" Makes the paragraph alot more interesting. As in Before I can give it a second thought, the whole sky lights up . . .

Chapter 2-

I paused wondering how long they had been out there and how long it had been raining that the flood waters would soon crest the ten foot bank they'd climbed. view book

written 338 days ago
cherry



I type as I go. So once I got to the end of one. I realized I completely misjudged the age of your protagonist. Her crush on the neighbor made me think she was maybe sixteen, by the end of the chapter one was thinking five or six. It left me feeling creepy, some of what I wrote ( ie breath on face. no longer applies.) I wonder if the age was clear to others. Sorry if what's below is all sucky advice. I had time for one chapter tonight. If it was any help at all I can read more. Hope all is well on the east side. I'm way east now. Back in Arkansas, I miss Seattle.
====

sojourns - I'm an old adult and I had to look it up.

"Whatever our ages" - do you need this? (NOW I'M thinking you may need to spell it out)

I really like the line "Whatever it made me is what I am today." very nice, so powerful. I wish the preceding bit was tighter, some excess words cut. I'm not rewriting just taking out words.
-- He tried his best to love me, realized he couldn't, and it made him sad.

"and scraped my skin against and the sand" === something's off here. typo with the and, confusing.

Would a teenager think uninjured palm or good hand?

I don't think you need phrases like "I could see." ie I could see the tiny hairs… I could see sweat beading on his nose. If you just write - Sweat beaded on his nose, forehead and upper lip, His tongue moved . . . We know she's seeing it because she is telling us. It also allows you to go from the more passive ing verb to a more active ed verb. "Seemed" is also passive IMHO. You're the author don't make it seemed, make it powerful and real. --His face, so large, peered into mine, the tiny hairs above his upper lip some darker than others.

The story is here. I can see them face to face and I'm holding my breath wondering does she feel is breath on her face. But lines like "Then he did the strangest thing.' Seem like author intrusion. I want to know what he did without the set up.
Another "I could now see."
People in my world don't speak in well constructed sentences. So some of the dialogue comes off as stilted for me. "Could you look into the light." He's older than her. I'd think he'd just say "Look into the light. I can't see the last few bits." Again I hang out with people who don't speak in full sentences.

Blankie . . read me a story- I think I just underestimated how young this girl is. I all of the sudden feel creepy. I guess I assumed the Hans Christian Anderson story telling was when she was a child and her crush on Christopher had been as a teenager. view book

written 339 days ago
cherry

YARG
I wish I could give you as helpful of a critique as you gave me, but I'm afraid I can't. I made notes in hopes that you might find at least one thing useful. I was honestly a bit confused. I always felt like I just needed one more piece of the puzzle to make things clear. I understand you're building suspense and don't want to expose everything at once, but it would be nice to know who the players are. If Della doesn't know who they are, then explain how she ran into them, the context, some description to ground me to them.

Chpt 1-

I'm a big fan of as few dialogue tags as possible. But I could have used one or two more in chpt 1, or some other indication through action as to who was speaking. "She" is never named. By the end of the chapter I'm assuming she must be an hallucination.

Find him and ask him what he wants. — sounds dangerous, obviously not the advice of a friend.

Chpt 2 - I like the first sentence but the word order seems off. — put my fingers into the soft, wet, fleshy part of my throat — especially since the next sentence uses "down" again.

Wondering if you need the line "Katie is bulimic." The rest of the paragraph spells it out pretty clearly.

Chpt3

How do cars pass anxiously?

...if he hangs out with me, no amount of people skills will save him." Nice line. :)

"tones of forced jollity." jollity? Is that a common UK word. didn't seem too YA, but it may just be a US thing.

OK. I almost didn't mention this, but I was confused with the last paragraph. What happens if/when she turns the fans off. (is that the air conditioner) What truth is she avoiding what is she going to ask. Is this intentionally suspenseful? It left me confused. I went back and re-read to see if I missed something.

Chapt 4

—You made my heart stop- "They said Jemma had pretended to be my friend because she was 'pushing her boundaries'. So cruel.

—This conversation from chapter one :

perhaps he's protecting you.
by killing people
three of them hurt you in some way

Gave me the impression this was the first time it had occurred to Della.

But by this "...it thought Jemma would be safe . . .the people who had died had all hurt or upset me in some way" I guess not.


At this point "she" the woman that asks questions. And 'the man" who I assume is the person killing people are starting to become too obscure and confusing for me. She was just there and was frightening. I can't figure out why. A physical description may help, that she knows or doesn't know her, etc.

best
Bill view book

written 341 days ago
cherry

YARG

My critiques always focus on what doesn't work for me. That's the info I want from readers because it allows me to revaluate and change things if I deem it fit. Disregard what doesn't ring true to you.


prologue- Raises a lot of questions. What experiments? What secrets? Who I Shimaku? I had to know so I kept reading. Nice set up.

First sentence reads — "When the Sower discovered Our secret . . ." Last sentence of the paragraph. "What is she planning?" From your tutorial at the beginning Sowers referred to the Sanomi people. So the she ( an individual) threw me. I've now taken it to mean "when the Sower, Shimaku, discovered our secret . . ." You might see if it is unclear to others as well.

Chpt

She put her leather helmet back on. (do you need onto her head? where else would she put it?)

I see Shimaku is not Sower (see above)

When we get to "How we humans envy the ability of the Wu-shi to fly" I'm jarred wondering who's pov we're in. The paragraph before seemed to be third person omniscent, now it seems as if a human is telling the story and details she could only know if there. I'll read on and see if it becomes clear. Also I find that, for me included, that the more you try to explain the unbelievable the less believable it becomes. I love the idea of a flight gland in the midriff. You had me right there. When you further explain I become more skeptical. The idea of the antigravitron cells is nice too. The simplier the better. The next two paragraphs also seem to be intrusive backstory. The story seems to stop then restart at "She dropped down."

"Suit them, that would," — I heard Yoda's voice. Took me out for a moment.

Macropol as a giant octupus was a nice image.

Chpt1 continued -

Unless the description of the roadhouses and IT complex are integral to moving the plot forward, you might do a trim or give us the details when it is significant to the action. There is so much description it becomes overwhelming and I forget what we are doing until we get to the meat of the problem — they need to find Shimaku's father. Shortly after all the description the real story starts and it is interesting, bot the details and questions it raises.

Chapter 2

I had trouble with this sentence. — And with someone from head office coming tomorrow . . . " Leila turned away distractedly, muttering worriedly to herself." As it trails off I picture the " . . . " to mean you "You know what I mean" and she would. Why would she turn away muttering? And the two adverbs are awkward. May be me, but definitely worth a re-read, perhaps out loud.



I think you've got the bones of a great story. For my tastes it needs to be trimmed of some of the backstory, detailed description, and unnecessary words.

Best
Bill view book

written 341 days ago
cherry

Kenneth,

Superbly written. I take notes as I read on places where I pause. There were only two.


"His right side throbbed, infection at work" -This threw me a bit. How much time has passed. Had he been trudging through the jungle for hours? If so, I couldn't tell from the narrative. Seemed as though the bullet had just grazed him, not nearly enough time for infection to set in, even in a Jungle.

"There was a haiku somewhere in the spilled guts, he thought." — gave me pause, it was the only moment of disbelief I had in an otherwise believable, fast-paced, well-written action scene. It's probably just me.

Bill. view book

written 342 days ago
cherry

As with the first book you posted, clean writing and enjoyable story. I jotted a few notes as I read in hopes they would be of some use to you. If not, please discard.

Chpt 2

Hear-A-Lotters (capital a/l) seems more like how a company would market/brand something if it was a product on a shelf. (I understand it's not.)

I stumbled a bit on "Great," said Mom. She probably meant paranoid …"

You might putting the two lines — "I was? Was Dad . . ." and "Hey, Finn…. — in the same paragraph. The more people thinking and talking without dialogue tags, the more difficult it is to follow.

"Oh yeah," he told me — at first I thought Dad told Finn. Not finn told Ladle.

I had no boobs. Not even one. :) :)

The line about the presidents seemed a bit off for me. It didn't work as well as the rest of the back and forth between Elwood and Livy, which is great.

Chpt 3

. . . he'd come home. We'd live happily ever after." — I got the impression he was still packing when they left for school and this was the sort of thing that happened all the time, but he never left. Seems they wouldn't have a chance to know he truly left yet and if she thought he was going to she might have been more concerned.

You echo "super-sized" two paragraphs in a row. that along with seem twice in the first one might warrant a re-read.


Good start,
Bill view book

written 610 days ago
cherry

John,

You've got another fine tale here. It was nice to read some of your handiwork again. Your descriptions are still spot on. My two favorites — While his shirt and bow tie looked fresh, his brown suit sagged from textile exhaustion.
She had one of those high-pitched nasal voices that could send a person packing.

I took a few notes and will message you with them.

Bill view book

written 635 days ago
cherry

Hard to tear myself away. Great work. view book

written 638 days ago
cherry

Al,

Your stories are always so much fun to read. In the forums I saw you post that this was still a work in progress and you wanted feedback. I hesitate to point anything out to such a seasoned writer, but really these are more of things I stumbled on as a reader.

"Tentative but precise." Made me pause. I had to think too hard about how darting eyes were both tentative and precise.

She pushed the yellow plastic entrance button." My assumption was Maxine buzzed her in, so I was a little confused that she was both surprised to see her Mom and wasn't expecting the knock. The button/buzz sequence must be somehow different than the way my apartment works.

Sorry, this is crass, but when I saw "Elvin Tait." I could get 'elven taint' out of my head.

"not a dictated one" she must be intelligent, It seemed rather old, something a mom might say.

I had to go back and re-read. She was a "spoiled brat" but "homeless." I was certain she had an apartment. I think I understand now that she is without a home. a sense of place, but does have living quarters. It threw me. When I read it the second time I realized I just didn't get it the first time around as you obviously had explained it.

chpt 2

The the one "smart" and two "smarter than" didn't bother me. but I found the third one — "he was smarter than everyone else" — too much. I think you could stop at He and he alone deserved her wealth.

I liked the image of the sterile, pine-scented hospital, but something bothered me about "sterile hospital." My head went to infertile. . . .compound — sterile, just like a hospital. Just a thought.

I knew she had Elvin Tait's name, but when did she get his plates?

Best of luck AL,
I've a good feeling you're about to bust out of this joint.

Bill view book

written 647 days ago
cherry

Saw your thread. I loved The Cynics. Sorry, I can't give you a helpful critique. I would suggest you develop it into a full length play. The two women are a hoot. I'd love to see them at the funeral, befriending the killer and character witnesses at her trial. view book

written 648 days ago
cherry

I saw your post in the forums. Something about the cover made me smile. Here are few notes I took as I read.


"told her word for word what I just witnessed" — odd for me, word for word is usally reserved something said not seen . . . word for word what I heard,read,etc

one years old - year or years?

nans house- Nan's house, I believe it's correct to have a lower case n when you say my nan's house, but when using it as a name ( we went to Nan's house) I think it should be capitalized and in this case possessive.

agreed hallways are creepy

I'd never seen the terms clairaudient and clairsentient - great words

I would make m way to here room - typos

I got chills when Jimmy was lonely and came to take one of the children. Love it that he lives in the cavities of walls.

I think there are some great story details here. I wish it was written in more of novel format. The way it is now it's like a laundry list of things that happened — first this happened, then this, etc

Best,
Bill view book

written 656 days ago
cherry

FCCG

In my reviews I usually point out where I get confused or if something seems off to me. It's more valuable than praise, but in the end it's all just my opinion.

I got confused in the first paragraph. The first sentence says sleepy Chris will be awake before the hour's up. The second says "he pleads his case before my brother." Is 'he' sleepy Chris, is he asleep or pleading his case?

Is sandman Nate?

whine, not wine

"Nate's fingers curl up like a carnivorous plant with the weight of it, prodding at the webbing . . ." Not sure what this meant. In particular "with the weight of it" Did you mean the weight of Chris hand triggered Nate's fingers to curl up? It's unclear the way it's written.

opaque seemed like an odd adjective for squawking

I ain't her momma, she ain't my job. comma splice

sexless toddler body is weird

"feel kicking" is this right?

Their footprints as they walk ahead of me . . . you might re-read this sentence. I believe your modifier is misplaced and "were lift" seems off.

Your Author's note asks for explanation as to why, if read, Stains wasn't added to my bookshelf. The books on my shelf rarely change. I've three others that I think are very worthy of shelf space and have I hard time working them into rotation. While your writing is very colorful, phrases such as — "the dawn stirs threateningly, she ejaculates the words, she draws a long breath that sucks all the oxygen from the woods" — seemed either overwritten or were trying too hard.

Best,
Bill view book