antiapollyon recent comments

written 451 days ago
cherry

I first wrote the story about 25 years ago as a writing project; I updated some of the technology and concepts. No real research involved in the book, I just extrapolate existing technologies forward about 50 years and imagined what would happen if society had to "start over" with that knowledge and no moral or ethical boundaries. What would such a society look like a millenium later? The supernatural aspect is based on scripture, but the social structure is purely humanistic.

Gene, hi - I read the first 4 chapters and enjoyed LoDebar - Awakening.
I'm including it on my Watch List with is really my 'to read' list.

Where did you do your research? Your story arc seems geared toward people who enjoy thought. I like the psych mention to your characters.
I understand that longer eBook novels, 120k + range sell quite well.

About my novels: Evolutis Rising is the 2nd novel on Authonomy. Last year I had Dangerous Awakenings, which has been published on Smashwords and Amazon. In ten to twelve months, I'll be uploading Genecaust. All three are about reprogramming the human genome by the newest human species, Homo Evolutis.
ELR

view book

written 488 days ago
cherry

Robert - this looked interesting, I added it to my bookshelf. Please check out mine, it looks similar: Lodebar-Awakening view book

written 665 days ago
cherry

Thank you James, I admit it is a little heavier reading; the details and dilemnas presented in the story are meant to be a bit cryptic, many of which will be answered in later books of the series. Solitude posted here has not been updated in some time; the completed final edition is available for Kindle through Amazon.com as a combination of Solitude and parts of LoDebar. The book was also renamed as LoDbar - Awakening,

Regards,

Gene

Hello Gene:

I read through the first three chapters of Solitude and this is definitely a thinking man's sci-fi novel. One of the attributes that make it unique is the attention that you devote to developing the psychological environment in this futuristic, rigidly-controlling environment.

The high vocabulary level distinguishes this as a well-written, well-crafted novel, though it might potentially be a little challenging for simpler readers. I did find your description of the artificial, underground lunar world to be especially creative.

There are two typo/spelling errors that I did notice, both in the last paragraph of Chapter 2:

"iss"
"quite" should be "quiet"

Blessings and best of luck.

James

view book

written 1320 days ago
cherry

Not really my genre, but excellent opening chapter, the imagery and excitement is very well built. The only inconsistency - t-shirts don't have sleeves.

Regards,

AP - Solitude

view book

written 1336 days ago
cherry

Good story, easy to read and interesting concepts. The one thing I could not get past if the 'presence" of the story. From what perspective, or when, is the main character narating from? The greatest obstacle to overcome in a good story is tense - your entire story is past tense; your main character seems to be narating from recollection and telling a story which happened, not a story which is unfolding.

Watch for changes in tense - in chapter 1 for example, th echaracter says "the storms we got NOW in 2012 WERE scary stuff and I WAS led to believe...' In this one sentence you shift from present tense to past tense, it is confusing to grasp when the story is taking place. Is it supposed to be a naration, or is it supposed to unfold as it is read? Also, by saying "now in 2012" the reader is led to believe the character is currently in year 2012, but he is talking as if this stuff already took place.

Work on agreement in tense, and the story will be even more exceptional. I learned this the hard way, an agent was actually kind enough to point this out to me and i ended up rewriting my entire novel. Check out what tense can do for a story by changing some of your dialogue to present tense, and unfold the story as events happen through the eyes of the character, not through his memory as is implied.

Backed

If you can, please check out Solitude.

Regards,

AP view book

written 1337 days ago
cherry

Though I don't agree with the premise of reducing the almighty God to a being named Roy, the concept does make good fiction. The story looks intriguing, but perhaps the introduction should be changed, it sounds like the opening commentary to an old "Twilight Zone" episode. For a book, this isn't so great because you shift from narrator to story, and I feel disconnected, as if I am always "looking in from the outside" rather than trying to be involved in the story. That is, I already know who (what) Roy is and what his intentions are Chapter one even gets going.

My suggestion would be to dump the narator portion and begin with the dialogue from Roy, leading the reader to figure out for themselves who [he] is during the course of the chapter.

Has promise, backed.

If you get a chance, please check out Solitude.

Regard- AP view book

written 1476 days ago
cherry

Hello – I like to comment as if I was reading your book in a shop or library, just making notes as I go along. I hope this is Ok for you, it works for me and it is fun

Solitude

Good Cover
The pitches are good.

I will be totally honest with you. I see that this is listed under Christian fiction and I have read your profile. I see that you have twelve Overseers and you have “the machine” now I am not very keen on being preached to not even in a funky and disguised way so I am feeling a bit protective of myself as I start to read this. (You did ask for honest feedback and as I said earlier I just jot my thoughts as I go along).

You obviously have a great imagination and have constructed this reality (wherever it came from) in great detail.It seems now that this little boy is a character in a dream, poor little thing terrified of the Machine. This was well done. I have noted the clever device of using the journal to fill in the back story. Your writing is technically proficient. The “box” is fascinating, we really are gripped now by a desire to know more about that and the entity that brought it.

Now here we find Phelix is grown and a pilot and living in this facility. Your MC is very sympathetic, he is questioning the situation in which he finds himself and his perceived background and he is determined to find out more and indeed to escape.

Although it is very impressive that you have created and peopled this “world” and the introduction of the various entities and their uses and different features is interesting it is also an awful lot of information and it is slowing up the pace somewhat. I can’t help wondering if there should be more interaction between Phelix and the other entities rather than an explanation and description of them. Maybe a short conversation with one of the Cybernetics would be better than the drier explanation of what it is like to talk to them. I do think that you need more action in the earlier chapters.

Although this book is intriguing and fascinating and your imagination is impressive I feel that there should be more show than tell. I hate to say that as it is such a cliché on this site but I do think that in this case it could be helpful. You should take a look at your last sentence in chapter two.

I am going watch this book for a while and will come back to it later when you may have had the chance to do some more work on it.





Thank you so much for your comments. It is difficult to meet everyone's expectations as each is as varied as the individual, but I am willing to make concessions to get this to as close as possible without altering the story. The beginning chapters, I agree, have considerable backstory; the MC (and his two collegues) are in strict isolation and absolute security and I wished to express this by showing not much happens as the universe continues outside. The opening dream sequence, a foreshadow of things to come later, hopefully injects enough energy to sustain the reader until Chapter 3, where the secondary character is introduced. From that point, the conflict and action begins to unfold as the focus of the story develops around three characters caught in the struggle - the protagonist, the antagonist, and one who becomes stuck between.

As you know, every story has a story within, a hidden agenda or message which is either subtly or overtly made clear. Certainly, there are some parallels with my Christian beliefs (the numerology, some of the symbolisms, etc.), but this is not an evangelical endeavour but rather a perspective of something which may become. As a reader, you are exposed to the philosophies of every author you entreat and are, in even the very slightest manner, preached at in one form or another whenever you pick up a book. However, my intentions are not to express fundamental Christianity, but to write a sci-fi story which would fit within my Christian perspective. Every culture at some point has a form of saviour. I have extended this principle to artificial intelligence, with a twist. The only preaching I directly give is from the protagonist, which the reader, if they are aware, will find to be completely against traditional Christianity.

Anyway, thank you again, and I hope you continue reading as I continue editing. The book is on it's fourth editing cycle; each taking consideration of responses I receive from this site and other sources. Thank you for pointing out the inconsistent flow of the last paragraph in Chapter 2; it has been repaired.

Oh, the cover is actually a photo of my eye, altered thanks to GIMP. (Isn't Open Source wonderful?)

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude

(I have added yours to my WL but since my workweek is now beginning, I will not get to it until next weekend) view book

written 1477 days ago
cherry

Ashton -

I really enjoyed reading this, nice blend of the fictional storyline with bits of actual wisdom. Well-written, it captures some of the true essence of Christian leadership. After all, the true heart of a leader is service to others. BTW, ever read "The Travelers Gift" by Andy Andrews? It's an actual book, I think you may enjoy it.

Regards,

Gene Wilenius view book

written 1477 days ago
cherry

Well written and happily backed. Nice blending of concepts - good, strong sci-fi.

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

written 1478 days ago
cherry

So far, so good. This is easy to read, but some editing is needed such as repeat words, spelling errors - such as CORP for CORP, and antivenom instead of antivenin (notice CORE and ANTIVENIN pass spell-check on a word processor). I'm on my fifth full edit of Solitude.

Backed

Gene Wilenius - Solitude (please give it a read) view book

written 1478 days ago
cherry

I've read the first few chapters, and found it to be very imaginative and well-written so far. From what I read, this has great potential. Backed.

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude (please give it a read) view book

written 1478 days ago
cherry

I generally avoid this genre because of the profanity which I find absolutely unnecessary and do not enjoy, but I backed the book because the story is well-written and developed.

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

written 1478 days ago
cherry

Benjamin -

I am interested in the world you have created and with your manner of telling the story. However, the sentences are very long, even for the action sequences. Long, descriptive sentences are good for backstory and introspection of which are plentiful, but tend to slow down the action and cause these segments to lose drama. I understand that Leo is attempting to evade detection, but as of chapter 4 I do not know where the story is heading - Is the entire story about Leo's escape, or is there something else? If there is some plot, it should have be evident by now but I could not determine what, exactly, is the final goal or situation Leo is trying to overcome. Is he merely trying to escape, or is he going to seek revenge on his employer, overthrow the government, investigate if he was framed, etc. Introduce the obstacle early, otherwise it seems the story lacks purpose other than telling a sequence of events.

Is I learned with Solitude (of which I have re-written the first six chapters), the reader does not need to know everything about the world you created. Let them fill in much of the details, and then you can introduce the technological aspects bit by bit. The first chapter has considerable description, which slows it down rather than creating a "hook" for the reader.

Backed because it has potential, and I think you can develop this. Have you written more?

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

written 1483 days ago
cherry

I backed the book, it has good potential. Though I do not agree with the premises introduced in Chapter 1 (overpopulation, global warming), this backdrop did not seem to have anything to do with the story. Archie seems to care more about social and financial rewards (at least in the first few chapters) than the overall benefits to the world. This leads me with the impression that, even for the storyline, these "problems" are not pressing.

The story is easy to read and imaginative, fix the plotline to correlate with the problems introduced in the first chapter.

Regards,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

written 1485 days ago
cherry

Backed with pleasure. I read the first few chapters, it is well written and very imaginative. Do I sense a slight hint of Douglas Adams?

If you get a chance, check out Solitude.

Thanks,

-AP view book

written 1503 days ago
cherry

Very well written with a nice flow and strong emotion. backed

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

written 1505 days ago
cherry

Repaired tense and POV inconsistencies in the opening sequence of Chapter 1, and once again considerably reduced the exposition Phelix gives in his journal. view book

written 1508 days ago
cherry

I have a feeling this plot is going to whip once it shifts gears. I've read two chapters and it's obvious you're technically skilled but unfortunately there's no emotion here. Even the dialogue is technically proficient. Now I understand that sci-fi takes a great deal of groundwork. You have to build an existence from the foundation so your plot can move forward. But, there’s so much exposition and explanation that I’m unable to emotionally engage with your work. Now I understand the achievement of technical writing - but a novel has to emotionally engage the reader so that the reader can find himself in the prose. I just think you need to offer something for a heart to hold onto - otherwise it’s a textbook. You know?

Mark R. Trost
“Post Marked.”



Thanks Mark,

Solitude is the first book in a series and is used more to identify the world and the characters for subsequent novels.

I am still in the process of editing and revising based on the comments I receive. There is an intentional contrast between the first part of the book and the subsequent chapters, dialogue really does not develop until Chapters 3-4. Phelix is a dry, emotionless character simply because he does not associate with humans so his world is filled with facts and procedures. I open with the dream sequence to capture attention for the breif dry period to come where I expand on the nature of the society, from Phelix's perspective and on some "truths." Beginning in Chapter 3, the reader is introduced to Andrus Helt and the Overseer Council (the emotionally detached elite ruling party). Helt's dislike for his position is implied. I actually start developing the relationships in Chapter 3, since this is where the human-human interactions really begin to conflict, and problems within this tightly controlled society become apparent.

The tension rises a bit more in Chapter 4, which shows Theode, one of Phelix's collegues, is emotionally unstable. theode has strong emotions, but encounters a greater threat near the end of the chapter.

There is a slight break in Chapter 5 with the introduction of Aripax and some of the dynamics among the Clones, Synthetics, and Humans. Aripax is one of the rarest of Synthetics, one which has shown some emotional attributes, and teh trouble it has in making a life-changing decision presented by his employer.

Beginning with Chapter 6, the secrets and conflicts really begin to unfold and the true nature of the characters, buried under complacency of a burden-free society, begin to unfold - and none of them really know how to handle the conflicts. The matter gets far worse with the introduction of LoDebar whose insubordination begins to bring out Helt's character. LoDebar has two attributes which begin to whip up the action and dialogue - extreme hate, and arrogance. A paranormal element begins to develop around LoDebar's character, which quickly builds into the creation of a frenzied rebellion against the humanity.

Read on, and let me know if the book remains as emotionless as the first few chapters. (If you get a chance, compare to the sequel I am working on - LoDebar. The book begins immediately with far more intensity. It is also posted, but only four short chapters are completed.) view book

written 1513 days ago
cherry

I am up to chapter five and find this very intriguing, and very well written. Backed.

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

written 1513 days ago
cherry

What can I say? This is an excellent reflection of your life and account of events which should not be forgotten. Some of the paragraphs get long and can be broken up, but those are easily fixed. this sends a good message that even out of adversity, good things can come. Rather than being resentful of the trials of life, turn them to our advantage.


Best wishes,

Gene Wilenius - Solitude view book

12