The opening has too much exposition to pull me into the present story immediately. You told me that it wasn't necessary to read the first book in order to understand this one, but from the first chapter, I feel I have been briefed and that's not a good thing. Your writing has a great voice but, th... view book

Chapter 1 - is titled The End? I'm always most critical of the first paragraph (trying to think like an agent or publisher). You picked a compelling place to come into the story and I applaud you for that. However, the wording doesn't flow as easy as it could. You have repeated the word "do... view book

Quick notes: Fourth paragraph: "life blood" I think "mother's life flowed" or "mother's blood flowed" reads better. Fifth paragraph: I would omit the use of "As" and begin it "The colors faded and dark blue… (next sentence) She looked up and saw…" When you get to the dialogue, I'd like ... view book

Great opening. "Glad I stopped fighting back and telling them how much I cannot do better on my own…" This wording is awkward. I'm not sure what you mean by "how much I cannot do better on my own" "better off for me" I think this should simply be "better for me" "he called his father and... view book

I think the premise of this is appealing to a lot of different folks. I'm a lot more critical of first chapters, especially the first few chapters. I hope you appreciate this, as this is what will make or break you when you query. "Her birth had been, and she knew it to so, a further disappoi... view book